The Sh– To Just Sh–ty

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Detroit Tigers (And Vice Versa For The Lions?)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Okay… dubbing the Detroit Tigers “The Shit” might be a bit much, but the recent turn of events has not boded well – hence them becoming “Just Shitty.” But the season’s not over, and the boys of summer can turn it around any second.  Or minute.  Or day now.  Perhaps it’s just a last season slump happening way ahead of schedule, and they can come back for a big finish?  Or maybe I’m dreaming…

But what else is a sports fan supposed to do in Detroit, other than dream?  How about dream big:

*sniff*

I seriously tear up every time I watch that video…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Modern Lyrics Are Just Things People Say!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I'm not saying lyrics were always brilliant, either...

This post was inspired by a gathering of drunken minds, but rather than recollect, I felt there was more to say on the subject:

What is the deal with music lyrics these days?

For example, Usher has a hit song (with will.i.am) called OMG.  What’s the chorus?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my god…

That has me saying “Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho-lee crap does this song lyric suck.”

What about Travie McCoy’s Billionaire with Bruno Mars’ hook:

I wanna be a millionaire so f–king bad…

Who doesn’t want that?  Well, maybe not the part about hanging out with Oprah and Queen Elizabeth, since one is allegedly busy rigging her own contest against a kid with cerebral palsy, and the other had her budget slashed.

How could I miss mentioning Black Eyed Peas getting-ready-to-party-and-then-actually-party anthem, I Gotta Feeling.  Who hasn’t said previously and into infinity:

Tonight’s gonna be a good night…

At least I can be thankful I haven’t heard Semisonic at 2am in a long time:

It’s closing time…

Instead, when I’m heading out to the car, I scan the radio stations, hoping to hear an 80’s classic.  Perhaps some Whitesnake:

Here, I go again on my own…

Hopefully, I will not have been drinking, and if I get pulled over, the police officer won’t have me Breathe… at least in the same ways Faith Hill, Anna Nalick, or Ryan Star might (as well as others).

When I get finally get home, I can think like Ice Cube:

Today was a good day…

Um… where was I going with this post anydadada?

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… M. Night Shyamalan, Officially

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Howdy ho! My new movie is out! You should go see it!"

I. Am. So. So. Sad.

I love Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Airbender so much that if I knew the TV show in person, I would tell it I lurve it.  (I have a very difficult time saying those three little words.)

So in the case of the film, I had high hopes.  I mean, how could anybody screw it up?  There’s enough material to reference, enough characterization and plot to build on, only a hack could fuck it up.

M. Night Shyamalan officially became a hack.  In other words, he was once The Shit and now he’s plain ol’ Just Shitty.  Could we (or namely, I) have seen the Signs?  Let’s take a quick peek at his past work… from my perspective, of course.

  • Wide Awake (1998)

Nobody knows anything about this film.  And by nobody, I mean me.  I heard decent things about it at the time, but I never saw it.  Probably because this was the poster:

Rosie O'Donnell as a nun that likes baseball? No thanks.

  • The Sixth Sense (1999)

I was backpacking in Europe when this movie was released (douchebagging), and on a weekly basis, I was surprised at its success back home.  (I learned this from newspapers… remember those?)  So upon getting back to the States, I made it a point to check this flick out, full well knowing there was a twist, but not yet knowing what it was.

While the ending approached, I remember thinking:

Hmm.  This was pretty good, but not great.  Did I miss the twist?

When the ring dropped on the floor, I put it together myself (and then the film needlessly did the same).  I was entertained and mildly impressed, until I saw this article on Cracked.  Did you know there was an episode of Nickelodeon’s Are You Afraid of the Dark? that was pretty damn close to the Academy Award-nominated story?  But it’s not like Shyamalan ever watched the kids channel, right?

  • Unbreakable (2000)

I lurved this film.  More than everyone else loved The Sixth Sense, even.  And why?  I’ve always believed that if someone ever figured out how to be a superhero (or villain), someone else would figure out how to be the opposite.  It’s a theme that’s been explored by The Incredibles and The Dark Knight, and this movie swam through the motif like a motif-swimming sea animal.

The pacing was great; the framing of the scene where Bruce Willis’ son pulls a gun on him was fantastic.  Could the end result merely be because a thin Twilight Zone premise had to be stretched out into a longer format?  Discuss.

For the record, though, I still lurve this movie.  Maybe a re-watch is required.

  • Signs (2002)

A movie about crop circles and the inevitable alien invasion could have been good.  Hell, there are even parts in this flick that could qualify as memorable, well-executed scenes (the figure on top of the barn, the birthday video, the basement sequence).  But one could argue that the first half of X-Men: The Last Stand had its moments, and that still wouldn’t make the overall project a win.  The same thing goes for Signs.  Everything it was working for was unraveled in its last minutes (just like fucking LOST), and it ultimately left a bad taste in my mouth.  Does anybody have a glass of water, by chance?

(SIDENOTE: I would have fixed the finale by never showing the alien.  I would have had Mel Gibson facing the creature off-screen, and only shown it in the reflection on the TV, and maybe in a quick flash.  Seeing the “man in an alien costume” and the entire “swing away” bullshit was stupid and lazy, simply put.)

  • The Village (2004)

A lot of people absolutely hated this movie.  It was also one of the first movies I lost a shit-ton of money on in the Hollywood Stock Exchange. I was in the minority of people who didn’t mind it.  There’s a story I’ve always wanted to write that’s not too far off this premise (no monsters in mine, thank you), so that upset me.  And by the time Shyamalan popped up in the twist ending, I was with the majority of people who thought

Lame!

But I’ll admit that it tricked me.  People that saw it before me told me it was more of a romantic story than a supernatural thriller, so when the creatures showed up, I was suspicious.  They were revealed as fake, and I felt vindicated.  Then there was a chance they were real, and I bit.  All-in-all, hardly a classic, but hardly his worst.

  • Lady in the Water (2006)

His worst, on so many levels… I don’t know where to begin.  That was at least until…

  • The Happening (2008)

I saw this movie, too.  This had to be his worst, right?  Wrong again.

  • The Last Airbender (2010)

Why did they let him touch this beloved, though not widely known, series?

I’m beginning to think that M. Night Shyamalan shares the same gift as the Detroit Lions.  They are both incredibly adept at getting your hopes up and getting you to continue believing in them.  And that’s the greatest twist of all – the one you feel in your nutsack when they disappoint yet again.

(SIDENOTE: I really do think the Detroit Lions have a decent shot at being good this year.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Idea This Drunk Guy Had

Posted on by sgottahurt

Nobody was hurt in the making of this video… except the bush and the bike.  Srsly.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Apparently, beer turns your bones int…“, posted with vodpod

These college kids must have followed the same guidelines as these folks did with their dog:

Could have helped this kitten too:

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Should We Have Rules Against Hollywood Nepotism?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Mr. Me-Oh-My and the Meh Men

Not every generation is the greatest.  It could be argued that not any generation is, but who am I to say.

What I want to evaluate today are the Actors! that either breed other Actors!, pull their sibling(s) into the biz, or make it to Hollywood courtesy of extended family or heritage, and if the next of kin is up to snuff.

This idea came to light courtesy of two recent “entertainment” offerings: The Karate Kid remake, and the TV show called The Good Guys.  Is it possible that Jaden Smith and Colin Hanks are worthy (eventual) replacements for their superstar Actor! parents Will Smith and Tom Hanks?  Time will tell, but my advice is this… wait until Shiloh Joile-Pitt and Suri Cruise battle for the fate of the world.

In creating these lists, I was hard pressed to find very many instances where the remakes were better than the originals (only two, as a matter of fact – check my answers at the bottom).  What do you think?

LIKE PARENT, LIKE CHILD

  • Martin Sheen -> Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez
  • Beau Bridges -> Jeff and Beau Bridges
  • Bruce Paltrow -> Gwyneth Paltrow
  • Goldie Hawn -> Kate Hudson
  • Bruce Willis->Rumor Willis
  • James Caan->Scott Caan
  • Jon Voight->Angelina Jolie
  • Dom DeLuise->Peter, Michael, and David DeLuise
  • Jerry Stiller->Ben Stiller
  • Susan Sarandon -> Eva Amurri
  • Joel Grey->Jennifer Grey

SIBLING REVERIE

  • Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal
  • Rosanna, David, Patricia, and Alexis Arquette
  • Alec, Daniel, Stephen, and William Baldwin
  • Owen, Luke, and Andrew Wilson
  • Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears
  • Eddie and Charlie Murphy
  • Bill and Joel Murray and Brian Doyle-Murray
  • Matt and Kevin Dillon
  • Hilary and Haylie Duff
  • John and Joan Cusack
  • Ben and Casey Affleck
  • Ralph and Joseph Fiennes
  • Kirk and Candace Cameron
  • Meg and Jennifer Tilly
  • John and Ellen Travolta
  • Warren Beatty and Shirley MacClaine

MULTIPLE BRANCHES

  • Ron Howard->Clint (brother) and Bryce Dallas Howard (daughter)
  • Henry Fonda->Jane (daughter), Peter (son), and Bridget Fonda (granddaughter)
  • Eric Roberts->Julia (sister) and Emma Roberts (daughter)
  • Francis Ford Coppola -> Sophia Coppola (daughter) and Nicolas Cage (nephew)

EXTENDED FAMILY

  • John Barrymore ->Drew Barrymore (grandfather)
  • Ernest Hemmingway->Margaux and Mariel Hemmingway
  • Bonnie Bedelia -> Macaulay, Kieran, and Rory Culkin (nephews)

HONORABLE MENTION

  • The Wayans Family

UNFORTUNATE COATTAILS

  • James Belushi (John)
  • Joaquin Phoenix (River)
  • Kevin Farley (Chris)
  • Jason Ritter (John)

THE CLEAR WINNERS

  • Donnie Wahlberg brought us Mark
  • Rosemary Clooney lead us to George

What?  Don’t tell me Donnie’s performance in the opening of The Sixth Sense was better then Marky Mark’s Funky Bunch of film work.  And of course, George = no contest.

(Did I miss any?)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Unfortunately, LOST

Posted on by sgottahurt

I need to invent a version of this called "Draw Your Own Conclusions - LOST Edition"...

I wanted to love it.  I really did.

But ever since the “origin story” of Jacob and the Man In Black in the episode titled, Across the Sea (from a whole two weeks ago), I started having my doubts.  Blame it on seeing The Man Behind the Curtain.  Blame it on seeing bad-ass Darth Vader getting called Annie by a fish-rabbit.  But witnessing the beginnings of the enigmatic answer-holders toThe Island made us all realize they held no answers – only more questions.

Last week’s episode – What They Died For – continued illuminating Desmond’s path of getting the other passengers of Oceanic 815 to remember where they’d been, and it gave me hope again about the show’s finale.

So what went wrong, in my opinion?  Oddly, I’d say over-explanation.

That’s when you say, What?!  But they didn’t explain anything!

And that’s when I’d say, let me explain:

THE OVER-EXPLANATION

Jacob and the Man In Black were simply better as ageless entities.  They’ve been referred to as Yin and Yang; Right and Wrong; God and Satan; Alpha and Omega; Coke and Pepsi.  And they were much better for the mystery of it.  The second they became brothers manipulated by another who-the-hell-is-this, I understood the reason for the setup was to explain the Candidates. But they still could have remained ageless entities, searching throughout all of human civilization (from Atlantis to the Egyptians to Dharmaville) for their replacements.

INDIANA JONES AND THE EXPLANATION OF LOST

Remember how everybody loves  Raiders of the Lost Ark and everybody hates Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?  Let’s use the good and the bad to explain the ugly that was The End.

As the finale progressed, and each of our star-crossed survivors found each other again, I’ll admit that I was eating it up.  Although what ultimately happened didn’t mesh with what I hoped would happen,  that’s still not the only reason the ending didn’t make me completely happy.

So let’s turn LOST into ROTLA to examine the reason why.  For the entire movie, Indiana Jones has been fighting Nazis and greedy archaeologists to find the LOST Ark first.  This man of science and history has been turned into a man of faith, à la Jack Shephard.

But whereas in ROTLA, Indy’s true faith was tested, I fear Jack’s was not (at least not as effectively, because WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE ISLAND, THE LIGHT, AND THAT POOL?!).  And what happened after that would have been like Indy dying and going to purgatory/limbo/Mu/”the waiting place” to finally be happy with Marion Ravenwood (which I would have probably preferred over KOTCS).

It’s not a Snickers bar.  It’s hardly satisfying.  And it renders everything that happened on The Island and in the Sideways Reality pointless.  If this was a Nirvana they subconsciously created, why would they have invited murder, deception, and new kids like David, to exist?

Which brings me back to Jack and the Beanstalk, I mean, Fountain.  I couldn’t believe that even a part of me was hoping an alien or an ancient being would appear like the creatures in KOTCS to shed some insight into it all.  But no.  Not a thing.

I have to live with the stupid, frozen, Island-moving, donkey wheel being relegated to an idea Man In Black devised.

I have to live with the fact that Charles Widmore was nothing more than anybody else.

I have to live with the notion that Kate, Sawyer, Claire, Miles, Richard, and Frank were the only ones that escaped the Island… maybe.

WHAT MY HOPE EVOLVED INTO AS THE SHOW NEARED ITS END

I started hoping that the Sideways Story was an alternate reality created by the nuclear bomb detonation (hence Juliet’s claim, “It worked.”)

I started thinking that Desmond’s true purpose was to help guide all the survivors’ consciousnesses to this reality from the original reality so they could live happily ever after.

I started wondering if Miles would somehow not end up on the Ajira plane, allowing only Frank and Richard to make their escape since they were not shown in the Sideways Story, and the Island would have been destroyed, taking everyone else in the process.

But instead, all I got was an ending that was simply a Sideways Version of the South Park episode, Dead Celebrities:

The Final Church Scene from LOST

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… John Williams’ Theme To Star Wars

Posted on by sgottahurt

Some days you wake up to find out you crapped the bed.  Other days, you wake up to find out the bed crapped on you.

Today, I found out John Williams (and George Lucas) crapped in my bed.

(more on this here)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Sleeping Options

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a situation where the object under the microscope isn’t necessarily a great thing that has deteriorated from awesomeness.  It’s a series of sleeping options that start off as, well, The Shit, and quickly nosedive into Just Shitty.

On the complimentary side of the synonym for doo-doo comes this (via Treehugger):

And you thought blankets with sleeves were innovative...

According to inventor, Buckminster Fuller, the sleepsuit is a

transportable and adjustable cocoon that allows for constant air flow in a variety of different positions and environments.

Stages of Metamorphositsdown

Works for me.  Something that doesn’t work for me?  This offering from Japan:

Slippers are optional, I guess.

Here are some thoughts about the above product:

  1. If I’m using a sleeping bag, I’m usually camping.
  2. If I’m camping, and I’m in my sleeping bag, the only time I get up is to use the bathroom.
  3. …
  4. Open feet and separated legs aren’t much help in that department.
  5. And if you add arms to the sleeping bag, you’re in a snowsuit.
  6. (The only advantage to having separated legs – fleeing a bear.)
  7. (The only other advantage – kicking a tent invader.)

The last thing at the pejorative end of caca and its ilk (via Nerd Approved):

What happens when you drool?

Is this dumb or what?  How can one night stands disappear guilt-free after peeling their cheek away from one of these pillows?  It begs for scribbled excuses, and that prolongs the awkwardness of the morning.  What if he or she wakes up?  What if you mistakenly promise you’ll call?

I guess you could just write, “Stepped out for cigarettes.”

Or better yet – “Here’s a story for Post(It)Secret.”

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Greed Day, Er, Green Day

Posted on by sgottahurt

The Shit =

Dookie as I say, not as I Dookie.

The Shitty =

Don’t believe the above preview?  Here’s some footage from the show:

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY POP PUNK HEROES?!

When did they turn into ABBA?

As opposed to Papa Pizzeria!

When did they turn into Billy Joel?!

Well, his name "is" Billy Joe Armstrong...

When did they turn into Spider-Man?!?!

Spidey has a musical? Not U2...

Ah, who am I to judge?  If someone wanted to make a Broadway musical of this blog, I’d let them.  As a matter of fact, I might begin composing it during the actual Green Day. Next Tuesday.  The 20th.  Of April.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Epithet, Douchebag

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Allow me to introduce you to such vile things!"

Ever see the movie Nacho Libre?  My friend recently told me his young sons love it, but it bothers him because it uses two bad words: floozy and douche.

I thought that was funny.  No matter the misnomer, kids absorb it like a @##$% sucks up *&@%$ on a Tuesday.

This got me thinking about the etymology of the word – specifically douchebag – and how it’s beginning to feel like its power is waning.  And I’m not suggesting that those people being dubbed one are accepting it, like how the cast of Jersey Shore adored being called guidos.  It’s just that it seems like everybody’s a douchebag these days, and they can’t all be one, can they?

Maybe.

According to the always reliable Wikipedia, the feminine hygiene product became an insult in the 1960’s.  According to Stephen King (or the other screenwriters), the word was well into play by September 1959.

From Stand By Me:

Chris: Yeah. So lets just say that I stole the milk money but old lady Simons stole it back from me. Suppose I told the story. Me, Chris Chambers, kid brother to Eyeball Chambers. Do you think anyone would have believed it?
Gordie: No.
Chris: And do you think that that bitch would have dared try something like that if it had been one of those douchebags from up on the View, if they had taken the money?
Gordie: No way!

The meteoric rise in this useful word’s, um, use has to deal with either one of two things:

  1. The website Hot Chicks with Douchebags‘ level of popularity.
  2. The meteoric rise in the level of douchebags.

My biggest fear is that by throwing around this word so willy-nilly (a phrase that has earned tons of power from disuse), douchebag will become as dull as idiot, moron, or crystal and clear in the early 90’s.

In closing, here’s an excerpt from an insightful article on Overthinking It.  Author (a.k.a. blogger) mlawski posits:

Douches = tools of the patriarchy
Douchebags = patriarchal tools
“Douchebag” = not offensive to women

“Patriarchal tools,” hmm?  Well, there are plenty of them around.  Tons you might say…

…I guess the term douchebag isn’t going anywhere…

…just like the douchebags themselves.