Sports

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Cutting Edge

Posted on by sgottahurt

a.k.a. "Clash of the Olympians"

In honor of the upcoming Winter Olympics, I thought it was my place to present a film I consider to be The Shit and all the Just Shitty things that followed.

Not enough people know about this film, in my opinion.  The Cutting Edge would be, what I consider, the perfect gateway romantic comedy.  It’s like marijuana in the form of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

What I always liked about it was that Kate (Moira Kelly) was ‘the bad boy’ and Doug (D.B. Sweeney) had to win her over.  Yet Doug was still enough of ‘a bad boy’… oh, I’m not going to go into this any further.  Just know that it’s fun and funny and will provide you with the secret passphrase amongst us “Cutting Edgers” (not to be confused with “cutters”).  HINT: It has to deal with a part of an ice skate blade.

Now, I was going to go on to explain how the TV movie/direct-to-DVD sequels were Just Shitty, but in all fairness, I haven’t seen them.  I still assume they’re Just Shitty, of course, considering their plot synopses:

The Cutting Edge 2: Going for the Gold

  • Kate and Doug’s daughter, Jackie Dorsey, wants a Gold Medal of her own.
  • She gets hurt.
  • She get teamed with a non-figure skater named Alex (he’s a surfer/in-line skater).
  • They don’t get along.
  • They secretly fall in love.
  • They have a falling out.
  • They admit their mutual love.
  • They win!

The Cutting Edge 3: Chasing the Dream

  • Zach (who?) and Celeste (?!?) want a Gold Medal of their own.
  • Celeste gets hurt.
  • Zach gets teamed with a non-figure skater named Alex (seriously – her full name is Alejandra, and she’s a hockey player… CALLBACK!)
  • They don’t get along (and get trained by Jackie Dorsey… CONTINUITY!)
  • They secretly fall in love.
  • They have a falling out.
  • They admit their mutual love.
  • They win!
  • (What happened to Celeste?  Do I smell The Cutting Edge 4: On a Slippery Slope?)

Creative, huh?

Well, I figure that’s Just Shitty enough.  I going to go on and analyze D.B. Sweeney and Moira Kelly’s lackluster careers beyond this film, but both have gotten a pretty fair shake.

I liked her better when she was younger. Whodathunk?

To be honest, I was surprised at Moira’s success in recent years (she had a decent stint on The West Wing and is still (?) on One Tree Hill which is still (?) on (?)).

As for D.B., he’s kept busy, but as far as having a fruitful roll, does Brother Bear count?  How about Spike Lee’s Miracle at St. Anna?  He’s guest starred in a lot of TV shows, though.

I bet it has to deal with his initials…

Just go by Daniel Bernard, man...

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Cash-Ins, Tie-Ins, Sell Outs, And Bailouts

Posted on by sgottahurt

Let’s examine for one second which car companies sponsored which, um, sponsorees…

Frothy the Snow Cowell

Eight years ago, Ford Motor Company decided to back a show that was not much more than a flashier Star Search. 

  • Was it Coca Cola’s shared involvement? 
  • Was it a long standing crush on Paula Adbul?
  • Or was it amazing foresight from a company that renamed the Taurus the Five Hundred, and then redubbed it the Taurus again?

Turns out it doesn’t matter.  Once Kelly Clarkson happened, American Idol legitimized and therefore blew up.

Speaking of blowing up, let’s remind ourselves which guys GM got behind (or as in the case of this image – between):

"Stuck between two loose screws" - GM's new slogan

  • GM decided to back Tiger Woods through its Cadillac brand, and that was a good investment for a long time. 
  • They also paid a fair amount of cash to have their fleet of cars featured in both horrible Transformers movies, and those flicks made My Little Ponies pretty pennies.

And in the end, which car company required money from the government bailout?

"Um, Toyota?"

Nope.

"Oh hi... I didn't see you back there."

JusWondering… Casting The Home Improvement Movie

Posted on by sgottahurt

Come on.  It’s inevitable.  We’re reaching the bottom of the fish barrel (in which we like to shoot) when it comes to properties from the 80’s (and earlier).  With The A-Team hitting the big screen this summer, there aren’t too many shows left to adapt.

So what about the 90’s?  They happened like ten years ago, right?

I know television has tried several reboots of 90’s shows (namely 90210 and Melrose Place), and a few programs have made the leap to film (The Simpsons, South Park, Strangers With Candy, The X-Files, Sex and the City… you know, all cartoons).  But there are plenty of hits that scream big screen, and today, I’m going to focus on casting one of them:

Home Improvement: The Movie

  • Tim Taylor – Although Tim Allen isn’t doing much else these days (besides directing Crazy on the Outside and voicing Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story 3), this is a reboot of a franchise after all, so who do you go with?  Mr. Reboot incarnate, Chris Pine.

"(Grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)..." because I don't know how to spell the (grunt).

  • Jill Taylor – If you’ve ever watched Attack of the Show on G4, Ms. Olivia Munn has proven time and time again that she’s one tough cookie, just like Jill Taylor.

"Tim, don't even think about touching the dishwasher. Her name is Consuela."

  • Brad, Randy, and Mark Taylor – Who else but the Jonas Brothers?  If Zack & Cody only had another brother…

It's a Disney production, and so are they.

  • Al Borland – Fresh in my mind courtesy of his performance as a CTU agent in 24, Freddie Prinze, Jr. would make a great sidekick.  Just like he does with Sarah Michelle Gellar Jack Bauer.

"I don't think. Tim."

  • Lisa / Heidi (Tool Time Girl) – Rosie Jones.  Google Image Search her.  You’ll understand.

"Forget everybody else. Do you know what time it is?"

  • Wilson Wilson, Jr. – The notoriously hidden Tiger Woods would be great as the vessel of sagely advice.  Plus, he’d introduce diversity into a show that supposedly took place in Detroit.

"Howdy neighbor... by the way, where's Jill?"

BONUS: Preview for Roland Emmerich’s Full House

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Non-Existent Cover Bands And Their Non-Existent Album Covers

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s the week betwixt Christmas and New Year’s, so we’re slow at work. 

Top 5 Non-Existent (As Far We Know) Cover Bands & Their Non-Existent Album Covers 

1) Men on Break 

Known for such hits as “Who Can It Be Now?” and “Down Under,” Men at Work were hard at work in the 80’s.  Nowadays, there are suspicions that their cover band, Men on Break, might really be them. 

Overkill, indeed.

2) Faster Than Ezra 

Some people out there might not think that Better Than Ezra deserves a cover band, but the speed metal versions of “Good” and “Desperately Wanting” leave you desperately wanting more good covers.

Ezra was overheard saying, "Those mobile carriages are waaaaay faster than me."

3) Urethra Franklin

Aretha Franklin is a legend in the music business.  The fact that she’s a legend at Old Country Buffet is besides the point.  This rocking cover band electrifies (Ben Franklin lightning pun!) with their versions of “Respect” and “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?”  (Not to be confused with anything in the Urban Dictionary.)

Little known fact: he also invented UTI's.

4) Van Couver Meloncamp 

John Mellancamp, a.k.a. The Coug, has a song catalog as long and as varied as his name(s).  Van Couver Meloncamp not only does a great service to such hits as “Jack & Diane” and “Hurts So Good,” VCM also “Cuts Like a Knife” to the heart of the hits of The Coug’s northern counterpart – Bryan Adams.  Take a bite of Meloncamp!  (Now touring in British Columbia.)

Those are some big melons.

5) Hawaii Five-O

Cops – I can take ’em or leave ’em.  The Police on the other hand – put out an APB!  Hawaii Five-O takes the unique approach of covering Sting’s biting melodies with the soft plucking touch of ukuleles.  You never heard “Roxanne” until you heard it plinka-plinka-plink!  (Moustaches, Detroit Tigers caps, and flowered shirts are optional at their performances, but highly recommended.)

Where Magnum Meets Tantric

BONUS: Alternate Urethra Franklin cover after the jump. Read More

Awesome Battle… Parkour Dog Vs. Parkour Bikers

Posted on by sgottahurt

I might be able to keep up with the pooch…

The bikers?  Definitely.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

JusWondering… Is There A V.P. Nominee Curse?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Now don’t get your britches in bunches thinking that this post’s title is about nominating suggestions for AVP (Alien Vs. Predator) type battles (although I’d watch E.T. fight a cougar like Dee Wallace in a cat suit… yowza!)… or that’s there’s some kind of curse associated with either of those cursed movies (or the inevitable third film).

No, this post more or less is about the incident I didn’t hear enough about…

The Sarah Palin Book Signing Tomato Toss.

The Truth - The Myth - The Fantasy

It happened last week at the Mall of America, and it made barely a blimp on the radar (get it – it’s a blimp because it’s bigger than a blip… aaaand it’s full of air).  I would take this as a sign that Sarah’s news-worthiness is Palin‘ (ha!), or that it was really no big deal.  But on the contrary, it’s a continuing trend amongst former Vice Presidential nominees.  To go back to where (I think) it started, let’s look at the losers of the last quarter century, and see how their luck fared after returning to the trenches…

  • Sarah Palin (under John McCain, 2008) – Let’s see… tomatoes, Levi Johnston, quitting as a governor… despite having a book out, seems like she’s on a downward spiral (hopefully)…
  • John Edwards (under John Kerry, 2004) – Okay, so he ran for President in 2008, therefore his post-VP life might not have been that bad – well, if you ignore that whole affair, um, affair…
  • Joe Lieberman (under Al Gore, 2000) – He also ran for President in 2004, but c’mon – it’s Joe Lieberman… He can barely pick out his outfits, let alone a party…
  • Jack Kemp (under Bob Dole, 1996) – Running on the football field (professionally) lead to a seat on Congress…  running as a Vice Presidential nominee lead to the grave (well, it took 13 years)…

Where do I think it all begin?  On a date that lives in infamy funny, June 15, 1992…

Dan Quayle spells “potato” as “P-O-T-A-T-O-E”

Pictured: Ross Perot's Vice Presidential nominee, Admiral James Bond Stockdale, napping after yelling at the kids that threw popcorn on him.

(BONUS: A post on Gawker that looks at the history of food tossing.)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Tiger Woods’ Affairs Summed Up In Nursery Rhyme And A Movie Poster

Posted on by sgottahurt

How many affairs has Tiger Woods had?  Eleven, twelve, fifteen?  (Personally, I hope it hits and stops at eighteen ho’s… just like a golf course.)

The question alone sounds almost like it should be a nursery rhyme in the vein of How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

How about:

If Tiger Woods would use his wood would he put his woody in a birdie?

If not, they could always make a movie…

Tagline: "Why sink a hole-in-one, when you can sink a hole-in-all?"

(SIDENOTE: I’m not defending him, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that all this nonsense started after his father passed away.  I can’t recall hearing one source mentioning this.  His father oversaw his entire life – maybe this was his 20’s rebellion just way too late.)

(original poster after the jump) Read More

Happy Find… The Chris List

Posted on by sgottahurt

(I apologize for being behind on posts… I plan to catch up soon.)

My friend (and coworker) Chris often makes interesting web discoveries, and he always passes the info onto me, and I to you.  I always make sure to give credit where credit is due, so I thank him for his finds as a footnote.  No more.  Maybe.

This could be a one-shot; it could be a regular.  If it is, will this post stay the Chris List, or will it get a more clever name?  I can’t say for sure.  What I can say for sure is that the following website delighted our coworkers for hours/days on end.  Unfortunately I was busy at clients, and didn’t get to partake in the shenanigans…

1) Awkward Family Photos

"This is what we like to call a 'choose your own adventure' family photo."

The URL says it all, and not all of the pics and comments are hilarious, but when you find a gem – it rocks.  Unlike that pun.  Awkwaaard…

2) This pic is worth 1002 words…

3)  Appvent Calendar

Chris doesn’t even have an iPhone, but he made me aware of this site.  And even though it is iPhone centric, and I feel bad for bringing it up, it could be worth it if any of the games pan out to be good…

Just like digital candy...

Check it daily to see what new free games are available for download.  Like you ever do anything I say.

BONUS AWKWARD:

"Ever wondered what the kid with the clarinet is really thinking?"

I Am Thankful For… Boston Eco Pods

Posted on by sgottahurt

I wonder if Eco Pods make good echoes...

I’m environmentally conscious.  I don’t pollute, and my biggest pet peeve is polluters.  Whether it’s plastic CD wrappers being dropped walking out of stores, fast food bags being tossed out car windows, or emptied glass bottles being left in parking lots, my blood instantly boils.  I’m not perfect in the green department, but in this regard, I mark myself an emerald shade.  (I even changed one of my friend’s littering ways.)

Not to be outdone, this is filled with marijuana plants.

So I’m always looking for ways to improve, and it appears the city of Boston is, too.  An architecture firm and science lab teamed up to produce the above…

…a vertical tower of prefabricated “eco pods” filled with bio-fuel producing algae for the space. The new tower would act as a center to test new algae species and different growing methods.  (via Inhabitat)

Even though I truly despise Boston’s sports teams (I’ve mentioned it before), I really liked Boston Legal.  And now I’m in favor of the sci-fi flavored forward-thinking that’s going on there.  Perchance the developers bring such technologies to Detroit?  We have tons of abandoned buildings.

Do you think robot arms are ticklish?

P.S. I also hold this against Boston…

Self-Titled Boston Rob: World-Titled Survivor Douche

Drunken Recollection… Video Games Look Better Than Movies These Days

Posted on by sgottahurt

While kicking back brews and shooting the breeze with my pals, the glow of the TV showing whatever game we’re interested in holds our gaze.  And that’s what it’s all about with us men, so they say.  We’re “visual creatures” allegedly.  Our eyes are too big for our stomachs, and our stomachs are the way to our hearts.  Wait, I got off topic…

Oh, yeah.  During said television events, especially of late, companies have been promoting the hell out of two video games: Left 4 Dead 2 and Grand Theft Auto: Episodes from Liberty City.

And all I think upon watching these previews is how much more like movies video games are becoming.  I have Unchartered 2: Among Thieves and it’s better than any action picture I’ve seen in a long time (The Dark Knight notwithstanding), and it makes me laugh…

Haven’t we as a public (well I know I have) been bitching about how much movies are starting to look like video games?  I could give two shiitake mushrooms about James Cameron’s Avatar or Robert Zemekis’ A Christmas Carol*, and they’re really no different from the games.  Except for the fact that I partake in one and watch the other… Hmm…

Perhaps men aren’t just “visual creatures” after all… We’re touchy, too.

*I do want to see 2012, and it’s as heavy a CG feast as Avatar.