Hey, Did You Realize The 80’s Were, Like, 30 Years Ago?

So this happened all the time, even though we like to pretend it didn’t.

In Britain!  I meant to say it happened all the time in Britain!

We were way cooler over here in America…

This happened three years after that video. Why is it weird his legs are on top?

This happened three years after that video. Why is it weird his legs are on top?

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This Has To Be A Recipe For Disaster

I would have sworn that Amazon was not new to the TripleDoubleU, but apparently hiding in their warehouses, there isn’t a single pervert to be found.

Scratch that. That’s exactly where they’re to be found.

It’s the head honchos and the hardware and software developers that didn’t think this Mayday Button through:

Haven’t they ever heard (even a whisper) of ChatRoulette? Those poor workers at Kindle support are in for a surprise. But then again, maybe pervs don’t own Kindles. Hopefully that doesn’t turn out to mean:

NOT OWNING KINDLE = PERVERT

Because then I’d need to go buy a Kindle. But if I bought a Kindle now, after having this idea, I’d look like a perv. Maybe I’ll just FaceTime a stranger for their openis– er, opinion!

The Feds Finally Got Something Right

Why the long face? More importantly, why the big heads?!

I’m from Detroit.  Born and raised.  I lived in the city 89.47% of my life (I did the math.)  So it brings me great pleasure to know that my hometown’s former mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been sentenced to 28 years in federal prison for a myriad of fraud charges, while I escaped one – that I voted for him his first term.

Instead of pooring pouring one out for Kwame, I thought this song might be a better send off:

Former Kwame posts:

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Umbrella Corporation Is For Real

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

Nothing like a little Regenerate to improve your complexion.

If you’re unaware of the Umbrella Corporation, here’s a sampling of one of their products:

In reality, it’s a youth-restoring product invented for  a movie/video game series involving zombies.  Or is it?

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

A little Regeneration, I mean, Meaningful Beauty goes a long way.

If it’s not that shit stuff, then how about this stuff shit?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?

Why does Justin Bieber have a perfume?

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Can’t Believe Billy Joel Sang About That

These monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK entries are examples of posts I might have written in the past had there been any technology other than corded remote controls, microfiche, and record players available.  This one is about a Billy Joel song I’ve only recently heard for the first time that deals with the topic of phone sex, a.k.a. not mastering your domain.

I also need add the fact that I was a good Catholic kid.  As proof of my lunacy reverence, I remember listening to Beck’s Odelay! on my Walkman for the first time, and literally throwing the headphones off because I thought it was devil music.

It’s not like my parents were super-religious or anything either… although I do remember my dad not being too happy with Olivia Newton-John’s Physical and Huey Lewis and the News’ I Want a New Drug.  But that was just a father looking out for his kid.  It’s not like any parents let their offspring listen to artists like Nicki Minaj or Flo Rida these days…

I’m a huge fan of Billy Joel.  I grew up listening to An Innocent Man on LP, and his greatest hits collection on cassette.  Can you imagine my surprise when I heard a new old song by him playing overhead at Kmart?  I figured out it’s called Sometimes a Fantasy, and it goes a bit something like this:

While at Kmart, I looked through all the cassettes trying to find which album it was on.  I finally figured out it was on Glass Houses which came out in 1980.  That’s the record You May Be Right, Don’t Ask Me Why, and It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me were all on.  I asked my mom if I could get it, but she said I already had enough of those songs on the greatest hits collection.  It would be like throwing money away.  I begged and begged, and finally she let me get it.

As soon as I got home, I ripped open the plastic, cracked open the cassette, and popped the tape in my boombox.  I was going to fast forward past You May Be Right, but I waited through it.  I listened to it once, then rewound it to get the lyrics.  I paused it after every line so I could write it down.  And you know what it was about?

Using your imagination!  I play by myself all the time using my imagination, and now my favorite musician has sung a song about it!  What a great day!  May 13, 2002 will live on in history!

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

True Facts I Made Up… The Truth Behind Billie Jean

Every once in a while on this great planet a person with no discernible talent rises like a comet toward the outskirts of fame, and instead crashes like a meteor toward infamy.  This was the trajectory Kim Kardashian and George W. Bush were destined to follow, but our modern media changed their outcomes.

The same can’t be said about Billie Jean.  (Thanks modern media.)

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz, circa 1980

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz, circa 1980, imitating the practice that would make her a legend

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz*, better known only as Billie Jean, was born some time in the 60’s to a mother and father that named her.  She always had dreams of making it big in Hollywood, and once she got too big for Hollywood, Ohio, she moved to Los Angeles to chase bigger dreams… and the stuff of legend.

At the ripe age of legal, she found her way into many celebrity circles, and more specifically, into many celebrities’ beds… some of which happened to be circle in shape.  Many Two singers sang about their exploits involving Ms. Mousekewitz:

Some even suggest that Tommy Tutone’s scandalous Jenny was one of her pet names (Billy Jenny):

A movie was made based on The Legend of Billie Jean, but it was a tongue-in-cheek reference to her true story:

You can't make a movie about

Nobody would sign off on it.

The biggest reason that Billie Jean is known among the Hollywood elite is for her coining of this phrase:

Who do I gotta blow to get a _______ around here?

She said it all the time, and she meant it, whether it was a part in a film that she wanted, or a cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr.  And that’s the untold true story behind Billie Jean.

*(It’s been said that her last name also inspired the story that became An American Tail.  The pun was on purpose.)