monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… They Don’t Write Theme Songs Like That Anymore

This imagined post from the past comes upon the heels of two interesting and recent developments: my re-falling in love with Kelly Preston, and that there will (possibly) be a sequel to 1988’s Twins called Triplets!  Eddie Murphy will play Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s long-lost brother.  My head is spinning, and not a because of a tum-ah!  (Sorry, wrong film…)  Here’s what I might have written when I was 13: 

Good thing presidents don’t have sequels!

1988 has come and gone.  So has a great year at the movies.

Not only did the best action film ever get released (by the way, it’s Die Hard), but there was a return to animation being mixed with live action in the incredible Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Time will only tell if they’ll make any more movies that mix real actors and cartoons (doubt it), and who could possibly make another action film about one guy taking on an entire group of baddies in such a believable manner (no one)?  But what I really want to write about are this year’s “big” comedies.

There’s a reason I put big in quotes – Big is one of the fantastic comedies that came out this year.  Beetlejuice and Naked Gun were good clean-ish fun, and I wasn’t supposed to see the unclean-ish Coming to America, but I did.

For me, the stand-out was Twins and you might be inclined to think these are the reasons why:

  1. It was truly good clean fun (and funny).
  2. Kelly Preston is beautiful.
  3. Arnie and Danny have comedic chemistry.

In jest truth, it was the film’s on-the-nose soundtrack.  Aside from The Spinners’ Brother to Brother (playable down below), you had this gem by Little Richard and Phillip Bailey:

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… What A Tees

This post is an imaginary post that I might have written in the 90’s.  Hence the monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK, minus the monkeys…

T-shirts are definition in cloth form.  They’re not only brand labels, but personality labels.

When I wore Rude Dog shirts, I wanted to be seen as a Rude Dog:

I was usually more in the mood to be annoying.

When I wanted to be as bad as Bart Simpson, I’d get out my slingshot and this shirt:

Somebody ate my shorts.

When I wanted people to think I was stuck up and well-traveled (and well fed), I’d wear something from my Hard Rock Cafe collection:

(Insert city name above... and Ray-Bans)

And then there was one shirt I always considered wearing because they were punny, but never did because they were, well, you be the judge:

Additional phrase: "Something-something-something up-stares."

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… The Man Of Action For President!

I didn’t have a blog back in 2005, and YouTube was just getting started, so pretend this post took place in that very same year, about a very special brand of hero…

I’m beginning to have my faith restored in humanity, and there’s a very simple reason why:

Buddy Lee will be a write-in for U.S. President in 2008!

In case you’re unaware of his credentials, I found a new website called Yourtoob that shows videos with plenty of proof why he would make a good president.  I’m sure that he could beat Dick Cheney or Hillary Clinton any day!

He stops at nothing to save the day, even if it’s just a cat:

He was a volunteer firefighter:

He was a valued police officer:

He inspired a haircut craze that was bigger than Jennifer Aniston’s The Rachel:

He even knows how to have a good time:

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… My Greatest Scam Yet

If I had a blog the TripleDoubleU existed back in 1986, I might have written this post.  I guess it could have been an entry in the journal I had to write in the fifth grade…

Growing up, my sisters and I rarely played together with the same toys.  If we did mix up our stories, my action figures paid a visit to theirs, but never vice versa.  Very few of their toys mixed well with mine:

This was a Transformer?

Star Wars Cantina, anyone?

These were big fans of the M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestlers.*

*These are M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestlers.

Okay, for these, I played the animals.

Despite this, I was able to convince my sister Becky to buy one toy I needed (I co-opted it soon after she purchased it):

Vanessa Warfield and her Manta, member of V.E.N.O.M., enemies of M.A.S.K.

Too bad they didn’t collect She-Ra: Princess of Power… I could have got one of them to buy anyone in the Evil Horde:

Hordak, Leech, and Grizzlor, of course.

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Lethal Oversight

Remember the Lethal Weapon films?  There were four of them, all released in the theater.  I didn’t see the original at the show, but I watched it plenty on VHS.  Especially the beginning.  But not too much of the beginning, because it gets depressing.

Anyboobs, the point of the monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK is to pretend what I might have written about in a blog before I had a blog (or as in this case, pre-blog, pre-TripleDoubleU).  I just realized what I’m about to share after watching Lethal Weapon 5 for the second time.  What’s Lethal Weapon 5, you might ask?  It was a video the gang made on an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and like I said… I watched this episode twice and just noticed this… but I’m pretending I did it back when Part 4 was released in 1998.

The Lethal Weapon series was always a fun one.  It was also a series based on opposing forces.

They were too young for this shit.

You had Roger Murtaugh:

  • a stable family man
  • a bit up in his years
  • had a nice home
  • a good cop that followed the rules
  • happened to be black

Then you had Martin Riggs:

  • an unstable man (suicidal) that lost his family (his wife)
  • in the prime of his life
  • lived in a trailer on the beach
  • a good cop that didn’t follow the rules
  • happened to be white

As the series progressed from the first, both men grew, and their stories paralleled each other, culminating in the dual pregnancies of the fourth film (Murtaugh’s gonna be a grandpa; Riggs a first-time dad).

I always considered myself a huge fan of the series.  In fact, when I saw part three at the theater, I convinced myself that if I had to leave after the first fifteen minutes, I was thoroughly entertained enough to justify the price of my admission.  (Which would have been a “cat”-astrophe.)

But having just noticed such a simple writer’s slight-of-hand, I’ve embarrassed myself.  In creating these two iconic characters, screenwriter Shane Black picked every mismatch possible, as I listed above.  How did I miss this?

Their initials.

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK…. Some Bands Named After Characters

This post comes from a time pre-blogging… way back in 2006.  Times were simpler then.  I didn’t have to think of new blog posts every day…

You might have seen a lot of this commercial lately:

Well, in case you’re wondering who that new group is, I’m here to help you.  Hailing from Scotland, they’re The Fratellis, and this song is called Flathead off their album Costello Music.

If the band name sounds familiar (and they don’t), that’s because their name was inspired by this lady and her brood:

"You better not even think about throwing me from a train."

That’s Mama Fratelli from The Goonies.  That’s where they got their name!  Awesome right?!  So I figured I’d let you know about a few other bands that followed the same idea.

He's from "Barbarella"... and your dreams

This one isn’t the same spelling, but Brit rockers Duran Duran were inspired by a guy from Roger Vadim’s Barbarellaa fellow named Dr. Durand Durand.  (Okay, that’s not really him up above, but it’s funnier than this guy.)

A Vulcan priestess by any other name is kind of like a Romulan priestess.

Another British pop group was inspired by American pop culture.  This time it was in the form of a cheesy 60’s sci-fi show… a little something called Star Trek.  The character is T’Pau, and coincidentally, so is the band.  What’s funny is the band sang Heart and Soul with a lot of heart and soul… which are two things the emotionless Vulcans can express.

What a nut (or in this case, a golden chocolate egg).

90’s rockers Veruca Salt took the name Veruca Salt simply because they wanted it.

John Hughes saw this real water tower and based the entire film around it. True story.

The California ska band eschewed the typical ska puns common for band names and opted for Save Ferris, which is of course from Home Alone.  Except for a few missteps (Curly Sue, Dutch, Career Opportunities), John Hughes was a fairly clever writer, I’d say.  He’ll always be missed, like Kevin McCallister by his family.  I never understood why the water tower didn’t say Save Kevin.

Not to be confused with Goldmember

California and England seem to be all about naming their bands after characters.  Closing up this list is Goldfinger, named after the James Bond baddie from the same named film.  It’s weird, but most of these happened to be named after bad characters or bad situations.  Why hasn’t anybody named themselves after a good guy?  Someone like Luke Sky(y)walker, for instance?

He so corny.

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Mini-Thems

I didn’t always have a blog, if you can believe that.  This posts imagines what I might have written about when Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me came out… in 1999.

Oh behave!

I can’t get the sequel to Mike Myers’ Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery out of my head.  This is the main reason why:

Mini-Me and Dr. Evil

They were hilarious!  A clone identical in every way… just one-eighth his size.  But their odd pairing got me thinking, where have I seen this before?

Let’s start with…

Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo

Scrappy was Scooby’s beloved nephew, not a clone.  Nor was he really all that much of comic relief.  So maybe it’s not them…

Garfield and Nermal

There was no relationship between Garfield and Nermal, but at least Nermal was the color gray, like the good doctor and his clone’s uniforms.  And I might have thought the old comic strip was funny at one point.  But still…

Godzilla and Minya

Godzilla was the father of Minya, but he could have also been a nuclear reaction that was called “son.”  They were cute together, and Minya was about as useful as Mini-Me.  Let me think a bit more…

Kermit and Robin

Kermit is Robin’s uncle, but their cut from the same cloth, literally.  Or should I say, the same felt.  Robin is similar to Kermit in every way, just one-eighth his size… and confidence.  Wait!  I’ve got it!

You should try Frosted Evil Wheats.