Thass wight... Kwedit.
Gawer ’round, gawer ’round, kiddie widdies… have I got somefing fo’ you. Not a stowy wike your vewy bad dwunk Uncle Sean might tell, but a vewy big suwpwise…
A CREDIT CARD!
…er, I mean…
KWEDIT!
And what’s Kwedit, you might be asking, hence the what at the start of the sentence and the question mark at the end? Well, howzabout I let Uncle Stephen tell you all about it. Uncle Stephen?
Vodpod videos no longer available.In other words… nostalgia is pointless. I mean, if you’re going to build a robot, why make it a little girl? Unless it’s a weapon, I guess.
Sorry, I know the provocative title sounded like this post was going to be about something decidedly Japanese, but you’re as wrong as an underage female robot from Japan would could be.
In all actuality, it’s about the 1985 show called Small Wonder, and it’s forgotten awfulness. I’ll let this video do the talking:
Let’s see how my fond memories of Manimal and Automan have held up:
Well, it’s like what Owens Lee Pomeroy always used to say (or at least said once)…
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!
If anyone is holding their breath for a live-action Smurfs film, keep holding your breath. Not so much because the movie isn’t happening, but because we need to strengthen the gene pool.
That being said, next year marks the release of Avatar 2, er, I mean, The Smurfs, and this is sample CGI rendering of one:
You've seen one Smurf, you've seen one hundred...
It’s supposed to take place in New York’s Central Park (for some reason), and a live Actor! will portray Gargamel (although one would guess that Azrael would also be animated… you know, because a good cat Actor! is hard to come by these days).
Anyblue, the movie will most likely be horrible. Unless – and this is bigger than three apples high “unless” – the film has a twist ending like this 2005 Belgium ad for UNICEF. I don’t know if it’s supposed to make me happy or sad, but I willing to let you guess which emotion it elicits from me:
If you’re wondering what the last message’s translation happens to be, it’s this:
Don’t let war affect the lives of children.
Geez. Thanks for taking all the fun out of the video Babel Fish.
As that guy who played Ferris Bueller said in one of his movies, “Life moves by pretty fast.”
A fellow blogger pal recently posted about the same thing, and in her articulate reflection, she paraphrased something she heard Keith Urban say on the radio:
…this is when Keith Urban blew my mind. He said that when we’re 10-years-old, one year is one tenth of our lives–and that’s a lot. Then, when we’re 20-years-old, one year is half that, and at 30 years, even less of our lives. So it stands to reason that years feel faster. ‘It’s relative,’ he said.
So when I stumbled happened upon this chart, displaying the exponentially growing number of Crayola’s crayon colors, I was taken aback. How can there be so many colors now?
They keep inventing new colors, I guess.
When I was a kid, I remember being amazed there were sixty-four colors.
Anybody else have a penchant for turning this into a missile launcher?
It’s true that as adults, we make things more complicated for ourselves. Should it be that way with the simplicity that is colored wax?
Then I stumbled happened upon this graphic representing the last decade. It kind of gave me hope in the sense that the more things change, the more they stay the same. So I was cheered up again.
Then I stumbled happened across this:
"Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away..."
In the words of one of those characters in those kids’ cartoons and books about Eeyore, “Oh bother…”
I’m a Polack. Or I’m Polandese, or Polandan… whatever it’s called.
And having never been there, I would assume my fellow Polanders would be mild and meek. Based upon the symphonic blackened death metal band (yes, that’s their description) from Poland, Vesania, I might have made a dupa of u and me.
Well, then at least their wholesome, right Joanna Krupa? You can barely Google her and not find her bare somewhere. (Not that I’m complaining.)
(SIDEJOKE: How many poles does it take to hold up a Pole that gets naked for PETA? Answer in image below.)
Oh, that's not a pole holding her up. My bad.
(BONUS UNNECESSARY PUN: I’m gonna go Polish one off now.)
This has popped up on more than a few of the other websites I frequent, and I’ve watched it every time. I didn’t expect much from a simple, outdated premise, but it still makes me laugh.
I mean, the blatant racism disturbs me deeply.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
BONUS HIDDEN RACISM: This perfectly explains “the underwhelming meh” I felt after watching Avatar.
As a kind and generous soul, I implore you – gather up your children, and together watch this origin story of Santa Claus. Revel in the triumphs and joys of his journey from his humble beginnings in the Korvatunturi Mountains, to the plush decorative throne at your local mall and local malls around the world…
But be careful. If you do not respect Father Christmas, this will be the outcome (if you’re lucky):
If any of the above has offended or scarred you, you’re welcome. If you want to take matters up with the company, please feel free to contact Rare Exports, Inc by clicking on this link.
Merry Christmas, bitches!
A picture is worth one-thousand words (and sometimes 1002). I’ll let this picture speak for itself:
"A horse is a whore, or course, of course..."
Apparently, Struts (yup, that’s what these My Little Slutty Ponies are called) have been available for awhile now, but I’d only recently stumbled upon them.
Created by Playmates Toys (a company name that always sent my mind to land of Hugh Hefner), the Struts are meant to evoke another questionable toyline – the infamous Bratz dolls.
What’s next? Teddy bears in teddies? (For other teddy bear atrocities, click here.)
NOTE: I made this while at work. Thankfully, no one stopped by my desk.
Vibrating Harry Potter Broomsticks came out few years ago, so what’s next, Play-Doh dildos?!?
Somebody's head surely rolled at Hasbro for this one (or squeezed out purple junk)
Overheard by someone behind my desk: “Why has Sean passed out? And what’s with this teddy bear in lingerie?!”
I love me my Snuggie. As a matter-of-fact, I’m wearing mine as I type this.” I’ve worn it in a pub crawl in NYC, and I’ve wanted to wear it in a pub crawl in Seattle.
But as per usual, if something shakes me at my core (or in this case makes me shiver in my Snuggie), I must stand atop my mountain blog and proclaim it to the world to inform and warn about it. This time, it’s the Snuggie Sutra.
K'man!
Based on the Kama Sutra, the ancient Indian sex guide (like how The Joy of Sex bent over spoofed The Joy of Cooking… and the Kama Sutra), the Snuggie Sutra offers up suggestions for couples, depending upon whether you’re blue or pink, or your Snuggie is blue or pink (or green or zebra), it looks… hot.
And I don’t mean the way you think… **
*Proof…
Me typing in my Snuggie (watching the Colbert Report)
**(Or maybe I do.)
This product was announced last week, and although it doesn’t make me feel as weak as Fetish Tots did, it still borders “What-the-Fuck-is-Mattel-Thinking?” Ville, therefore still rendering me InASense, Lost.
The “toy” goes bi by this official name: Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken. They might have well placed the word Super in there, too.
The dog's name is Sugar, and Ken is his "daddy"... none of this is helping...
Mattel claims that it’s a part of their adult toy line, which I 100% believe. And it’s not like the neutered doll was ever a hero of mine, like how G.I. Joe’s Shipwreck or Star Wars’ (duh) Luke Skywalker were (pictured below).
A Real American Hetero!
It's not a bath in the "traditional" sense...
But this fact remains: it gives me the Malibu Dream Heebie Jeebies. The last time I felt this weird and twisted inside because of a toy was when I learned that Dr. Claw (the unseen bad guy in Inspector Gadget) looked like this:
Come to think of it, he had MAD Cat as a pet, so he was MAD Car's "daddy". And his hair looks fabulous... Perhaps Ken could give him a ring sometime? Perhaps.
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 
