Happy Find… Places You Don’t Bring A Baby

snuffx-dot-com-microwave-baby

"I can heat up the formula AFTER she drinks it, right?"

I am not a father.  But after reading Places You Don’t Bring A Baby, I think I’m ready to be one.  It’s an excellent guide for those uniformed about how to be a normal human being.  You know… the type that doesn’t STICK THEIR KID IN A MICROWAVE or BRING A TODDLER TO A BACHELOR PARTY?  These are just two examples.  There are many more at the site.

BTW, heaven help us all…

baby_at_bachelor_party

"Man wears camouflage to hide from Child Services"

In My Brain While Sleeping… It Has To Be Better Than Crystal Pepsi, Right?

This dream happened to be a spanning, time looping dream à la Timecrimes, an interesting if not perfect Spanish film involving, um, time looping.

I was on a college campus trying to kill my other selves, contemplating the dynamics of it.  Am I the proper incarnation?  Can all the versions coexist?  Am I committing suicide if I exterminate an alternate me?  (Heavy stuff for a sleeping noggin.)

Anyexistentialism, the entire episode finished at the student center bookstore which had a McDonald’s in it.  The banner above the Golden Arches read, “Now serving Subway subs and Pepsi Golden!”

I was excited to order a Pepsi Golden, thinking it was beer.  It was just yellow Pepsi.

And in case you were wondering what it tasted like – carbonated cake batter.

pepsi_golden

DREAM INGREDIENTS: Back-to-back soccer games… and four pints of Guinness

Worth 1002 Words… Weird Bill Cosby Edition

weird_bill_cosby

I Scream

Some other Cosby sweaters:

  • …Damnedest Things
  • Jello Puddingface
  • Cliff Unstable
  • Host Dad

(via Holy Taco)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Belgium – Where Teletubbies Are Dicks

neveneffecten

Neveneffecten is like the Kids In The Hall of Belgium (Kids In The Hall is like Monty Python's Flying Circus of Canada)

This video will not be on the front page.  I features an excitable wang dancing against a Windows XP backdrop.  It is a YouTube video so it’s not too profane, but it’s still NSFW (and Not Safe For Mind).

Courtesy of the above Belgium comedy troupe, Neveneffecten, they often spoof National Geographic videos on their absurdist show, emphasis on graphic.

Hopefully you can enjoy yourself as much as this penis appears to…

(video after the jump)

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Awful Battle… Misappropriation Of Teddy Bears

Teddy bears have been around since the conception of President Theodore Roosevelt decided not to shoot a bear tied to tree in 1902, deeming it unsportsmanlike. 

What one really has to do with the other, I don’t know, but keeping that in mind, it sort of paves the way for these future misappropriations of cute widdle fuzzy teddy bears by popular culture, whether it’s…

Even though it may be fuzzy wuzzy, it’s still an AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

JusWondering… Why Do I Want Superpowers For Mediocre Uses?

This idea came about when I was thinking about how I really, really, really, would like a Lightsaber™ only to steal cool street signs.

Funny_street_sign

Hello hilarity, soon to be hanging on my basement wall!

I also might be inclined to use it to put holes in things, but otherwise, that’s all I would use a Lightsaber™ for.  Not for good, not for (truly) evil – only for comedy.

Then it occurred to me that I think the same way in regard to having superpowers.  My reasons to possess them aren’t grand by any means.

1) Flight

meflying

"Here I come to ruin the day!"

I talked about this once before, but I’ll bring it up again.  If I could fly, I’d use it to travel, of course, since it would cut my commute time to work in half!  (I’m still employed with this amazing ability.  Great fantasy.)  But the biggest trick I’d pull would involve me showing off my new talent at the Academy Awards™ while the stars walked the Red Carpet®… you know, just to show them up.

2) Invisibility 

douchexpress

C'mon... he deserves it...

If I could turn as transparent as the Balloon Boy Hoax©, I wouldn’t be hanging out in ladies’ locker rooms (although I might sneak into gym to workout for free if I was so inclined).  I’d use it key douchebags’ cars.  If you’d like to know what I’d take the time to scrape – see above.  Carrie Underwood (Patent Pending) should take notes before the next time he cheats…

3) Indestructibility

Bar fights, natch.  Maybe X-Treme Sports®…You know, just to show douchebags up.

4) Super Strength

I’ve always wanted a steamroller to run over different things.  I suppose I’d do the same (or at least similar) with my own hands.

5) Telekinesis

To be lazy.  From my couch.  Also – my bed.  Maybe the shower.

6) Telepathy

To win arguments.  And ladies’ hearts…

7) Time Travel

I’d go back a few days to post this on time on monkeyBLOGmonkeyDO™.

Musical Musings… Taylor Swift Nails/Burns/Stakes Kristen Stewart

This past weekend marked the adorable debut of Taylor Swift as a certifiable triple-threat (singer, songwriter, and Actor!) on Saturday Night Live.  (It’s the singer/songwriter part that makes this a valid Musical MusingClick here to hear the funny – and honest – song she wrote for her monologue.)

Overall, I think she did great.  And I’ll admit – I may be biased.  (ProofMore proof.)  But given the material they wrote for her, you can’t deny that she has talent.

By far, this Digital Short took the strawberry cake.  (And it’s all over the web already… late start on my part.)  Check how her impression of Kristen Stewart stacks up by watching both videos below.  If you want to see the entire SNL episode, you’re a dummy for missing it live you must have a life on Saturday nights head on over to Hulu.

Vodpod videos no longer available.
Vodpod videos no longer available.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Ferris Bueller – I Mean, Matthew Broderick

When I think of someone who is the epitome of The Shit, my mind immediately conjures Ferris Bueller.  A friend to all, a schemer, a dreamer, and a figment of Cameron Frye’s imagination (?), Matthew Broderick brought the ultimate cool-guy to life (and paved the way as a future archetype for Parker Lewis and Zack Morris).

And in the first half of his career, Matthew Broderick was The Shit.  Need proof?

matthew_broderick_good

I don’t think anyone could argue against the fact that these are good movies.

Then this happened:

sarah_jessica_parker

Sarah Jessica Parker.  Well, it’s her or being in The Cable Guy.*  The cursed Jim Carrey vehicle came out in ’96, and the pair married in May of ’97, so the timing is a little fuzzy, but as a result, this is what followed:

matthew_broderick_bad

Now don’t get me wrong.  There were a few glimmers of hope peppered in there (independent films, such as Election and You Can Count on Me were great).  And there are some films I haven’t even mentioned.  (I never saw The Producers, so I can’t comment on its quality, but I did see Finding Amanda, and that was pointless.  Therefore, it’s a wash…)  But I’d say the best chance at redemption came through his guest appearance on 30 Rock:

 

30rock-cooter-broderick-baldwin

Dubya called him Cooter Burger. Or should I say, "dubbed him."

A good comedy series where he plays a dad that used to be The Shit à la Ferris Bueller might be a cool idea, and a career saver.  It could be called Back In My Day, or something like that.  Say, that’s a really good idea… how do you copyright a blog post?

 

ferris_bueller_laid_off

Or he could make this movie...

*It actually could have been The Road to Wellville that started the slip.  I didn’t count it because it came out the same year as The Lion King, but the film did revolve around colonics – and that’s Just Shitty.

InASense, Lost… Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken

This product was announced last week, and although it doesn’t make me feel as weak as Fetish Tots did, it still borders “What-the-Fuck-is-Mattel-Thinking?” Ville, therefore still rendering me InASense, Lost.

The “toy” goes bi by this official name: Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken.  They might have well placed the word Super in there, too.

palm_beach_sugar_daddy_ken

The dog's name is Sugar, and Ken is his "daddy"... none of this is helping...

Mattel claims that it’s a part of their adult toy line, which I 100% believe.  And it’s not like the neutered doll was ever a hero of mine, like how G.I. Joe’s Shipwreck or Star Wars’ (duh) Luke Skywalker were (pictured below).

 

shipwreck_gi_joe

A Real American Hetero!

luke_skywalker_tank

It's not a bath in the "traditional" sense...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But this fact remains: it gives me the Malibu Dream Heebie Jeebies.  The last time I felt this weird and twisted inside because of a toy was when I learned that Dr. Claw (the unseen bad guy in Inspector Gadget) looked like this:

dr_claw

Come to think of it, he had MAD Cat as a pet, so he was MAD Car's "daddy". And his hair looks fabulous... Perhaps Ken could give him a ring sometime? Perhaps.

Drunken Recollection… Holographic Ghouls, Medical Fools, And A Munchkin Talent Pool

Sit back, have a drink, and swim with me down the channels of nostalgia.  What that trip entails – a fleeting thought, a jotted note in the ol’ iPhone, and Google research later.

1) “What were those holographic, flat-front action figures called?”

A good question, with a simple answer: Visionaries.  They had a cartoon and a comic book series (which I still own)!

Wait, what? There were two hologram toy lines?

Wait, what? There's a different hologram toy line?

super_naturals_tonka

The exact toy in question. Well the one like this that's yellow...

But that wasn’t the answer being looked for.  The correct answer to the question in question: Tonka put out a series called Super Naturals.

Sure, holograms were a fad in the 80’s, but so were 3D stereograms in the 90’s, and no one made toys based around them. (Probably because companies were too busy ripping off updating successful 80’s lines… of which the neither Visionaries of Super Naturals were a part.)

2) “Does anybody remember St. Elsewhere?  Anybody?”

Every once and awhile it becomes apparent that I’m older than I pay more attention to pop culture than the people around me.  I was wondering if St. Elsewhere was available on DVD, and no one knew anything about it.  Answer: only the first season.

Why I wanted to know is because I never watched the show (because I was too young… srsly), and I wondered if it was any good.

There were only two things I knew about the show:

  • Howie Mandel was on the show.  I knew of him because he’d put a rubber glove over his head and blow it up with his nose.  He was famous for this.
howie_mandel_double

Howie Does It

What I learned after researching the existence of the DVD:

  • Mark Harmon (the main dude from NCIS) was on it.  His character died from AIDS, and was one of the first major characters to contract HIV (heterosexually, of course… it was the 80’s).
  • Denzel Washington also got his start on the show.  Denzel!  That just blows my mind.  Next you’ll be telling me Will Smith or George Clooney got started on TV.  Or 30 Rock’s Alec Baldwin got started in film.  Crazy!

3) “What was the name of that famous midget little person from the 80’s?”

This inquiry arose out of a terribly written trivia question that confused Tiptoe Through the Tulips’ Tiny Tim with a little person.  Come on.  You’ve got to know Tiny Tim (not the “God bless us, every one” one).  He was like the Marilyn Manson of the 60’s and 70’s, in that was as shocking as he was able to be.

Anyukulele, I knew there was a little person that was so beloved in my youth that even as I child, I knew his name, but it escaped me.  I knew he was in a Wizard of Oz spoof I had never fully seen.  So I started with that and found:

under_the_rainbow

Young Chevy Chase AND Carrie Fisher? Must See!

And that lead me to the recesses of my memory.  Without further research, it hit me!  Billy Barty!

billy_barty

Verne Troyer, take notes...

And on that note, I shall pour out some of my next drink in your honor, Gwildor