Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? The Best Name To Survive With

Posted on January 3, 2010 by sgottahurt

(SIDENOTE: This is one whopper of a CoC, and I fear it is my greatest discovery.)

I love you, television.

There, I said it. Are you happy now? Be it that I’m an idiot for staring into your warming glow (if that’s how you want to take the term “boob tube”) or because I suckle your glass nipple (if that’s how you want to take the term “boob tube”), please know this – you complete me.

Now that that’s out of my system, onto business! I’m sorry baby, but I’ve got work to do.

Two of my favorites shows on television had “mergers” a couple of seasons ago: Lost and The Office.

Lost had this happen in their second season, and the reason why, as producers explained, was to extend the show’s storyline if needed by adding more characters with new flashbacks (I know this from memory, and I’m paraphrasing because I’m too lazy to look it up). The “merger” involved having the survivors in the tail section of the crashed airplane join the remaining survivors. At the start of the third season, the season commitment contract was locked up, and almost all of the new cast members introduced the year prior were eliminated. Almost.

As for The Office, the third season had two branches “merging,” à la the UK (original) version’s second series (that’s what they call “seasons” across the pond). Unlike the British version, almost every new character quit out frustration with their new boss. Almost.

So by now, several seasons later, only two cheeses stood, um, alone.

On Lost, it was Bernard Nadler, “tailie” and husband to Rose Henderson:

Actor! Sam Anderson as Bernard Nadler

On The Office, it was anger-prone Andy Bernard, a.k.a. The Nard-Dog, alumnus of Cornell University:

Actor! Ed Helms as Andy Bernard

So to recap… the two characters that survived massive cast “mergers” were both named Bernard. Do I smell a Coinkydink or is that a tinge of Coinkydonk?

BONUS COINKYDINK OR COINKYDONK: An Actor! by the combined name of Andy Nadler played a character named Barnard (sp?) in the independent film, The Guatemalan Handshake. Consider your mind blown.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Betty White As A Bad Guy

Posted on January 2, 2010 by sgottahurt

I’ve had a plethora of strange dreams leading up to the new year, but just as the memories of yesteryear have faded, so did those dreams by the time I (finally) woke up. This one stuck with me.

"Welcome to My 'Ool - Notice There's No... Room"

There was a party going on at a castle, and I was keeping the free drinks coming (of course). A volleyball game was starting in the pool, but it was packed to the gills (pun!), and my interest in playing was circling down the drain (pun?).

Sure, it was only over-filled to volley for complete pool possession (the winning side got to play), but I’d already made my way indoors. I found a doorway that lead to a small underground city. It was kind of like the old game Doom…

With less monsters, and better graphics

…but more medieval, like a Renaissance Festival.

That's about the right amount of monsters

I was creeped out by the panhandlers and the merchants, so I returned upstairs to hit the free bar again (of course). It was upon reaching the inner sanctum of the castle that I stumbled upon an authentic pub. Or at least it was like a hotel version of one.

Aaron Eckhart and Anne Hathaway were there... for some reason

All of the sudden, from a hidden door behind the bar, Betty White emerged, looking like a (foreign) assassin. Or I guess it could have been a foreign assassin disguised to look like Betty White.

"Thank you for being a fiend..."

She grabbed Anne Hathaway and ducked back into the door. As Aaron Eckhart pursued, I finished my drink and followed. We were back in the caverns, but they looked more like the tunnel that bridges (pun!) Detroit and Windsor, than the dingy dungeon from before.

This is an old photo.

Except there were copious amounts of bees and rats.

This is a doctored photo.

Aaron was terrified of the bees and rats and was ready to turn back, when a chain of shopping carts started to roll at him. He held onto a bar above us as long as possible, but then he gave in a rode on top of them. I ended up doing the same because I wanted to recreate the only good scene my favorite scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

"It's mine cart now!" - dialogue cut from the final film

I caught up with Aaron and we decided to look for Anne. Then I woke up.

DREAM INGREDIENTS: I’m not sure. But this is the second dream I’ve recently had involving one of the last surviving Golden Girls…

“The Reflex” Rewrite (A Drunken Recollection/Musical Musings Joint)

Posted on January 1, 2010 by sgottahurt

Intel was years ahead of its time... (Happy New Year!)

Sorry for the graphic nature of this post. But it’s reality. And reality is graphic.

Enjoy the start of this new decade with a karaoke song about beer shits…

The beer shits (4x)

“You’ve gone too far this time”
But I’m sleeping on the hard cold tile
A puddle spilled out around me
Good chances it came from my inside
I’ll crawl cross the bathroom floor
There’s no way that I can stand oh oh
Last night I had a hard time deciding
To have one or two beers in my hands oh oh

CHORUS
Budwei-yi-yi-yi-yi-ser goes right through me
Miller Li-yi-yi-yi-ght cuts right through me
Coors Li-yi-yi-yi-yi-ght spills right through me
The beer shits is the morning after, keeping my rear parked
The beer shits is the discharged treasure that can be quite dark
And leaning over the bathtub isn’t that bizarre
Every little thing the beer shits does
Leaves behind another set of skid marks

I’m on the bowl and I want to get off
Butt won’t slow down the flush roundabout
I drank the whole bar watching TV sets
Don’t want to be around when this gets out

CHORUS

Oh the beer shits what a game I’m playing with my innards
The beer shits is the discharged treasure that can be quite dark
And leaning over the bathtub isn’t that bizarre
Every little thing the beer shits does
Leaves behind another set of skid marks

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… This Decade For Me

Posted on December 31, 2009 by sgottahurt

Last year at this time, I decided to have a New Year’s Resolution Revolution and solve some problems. This year – I’m evaluating my decade. Everybody else is doin’ it, so why not me.

The end of the last decade was The Shit:

1999

Having just returned from spending a month in Europe, and ready to sell pc’s again at Circuit Shitty making very good commission money… only to learn that Y2K was keeping everyone from buying.
I took up a second job working overnight at Target where I met many of the people who would stay friends throughout the decade.

The start of this decade:

2000

After quitting both the above retailers, I was an extra in the movie 61*.
I started at my current job, and then…

Nothing much. For ten years. Awesome.

(Not So) Artistic Representation

The above graph is representative of what my sister once told me:

Most people live in the real world and dip into the fantasy world. You [“I” – Ed.] do the exact opposite.

This past year, I think I might have joined the rest of the world.

I might have grown up.

And time will only tell if that’s Just Shitty…

Musical Musings… What Have The Aughts Wrought Us?

Posted on December 30, 2009 by sgottahurt

It’s an end-of-the-year-decade evaluation of the year decade that’s come before. Long story short – there was nothing new.

The only things left to hit the mainstream were the very things that were once thought taboo, which explains Jenna Jameson’s widespread fame (no pun intended), the common knowledge of cougars and MILF‘s, and the over-sexualization of the underaged (i.e. countdown-to-age-eighteen clocks for the Olson Twins, Hayden Panettiere, Miley Cyrus, etc).

"If you like it, then you know it's got a ring to it..."

Gone are the days of truly independent filmmaking. (And BTW, I didn’t ask for 3D films to be brought back.) Hip-hop and rap break down barriers no more. Television turned game shows into reality programming, but did little else except compartmentalize audiences between channels. Everything has become corporatized to the point of homogenization.

“So what have the Aughts wrought us?”

Outside of the birth of a new medium boom of the Internet (known as the ol’ TripleDoubleU ’round hyeh), and the boon that was social networking (YouTube, Facebook, Friendster, et. al.), the web just offers another outlet for pre-existing formats.

So what rose from the ashes of the Y2K bug? One thing…

Auto-Tune

Although it technically was first heard in 1998, when Cher’s Believe* was torturing me via my alarm clock, while my face was smeared in a puddle of chunky pink Marguerita upchuck on my tiled bathroom floor (true story), it wasn’t until this decade that it took a foothold on almost everything on pop radio (list here).

She suffers from a rare case of "moonstruck."

From Faith Hill’s The Way You Love Me in 2000 all the way up to (though not including) Jay Z’s D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune), the 00’s could be remembered as the Aughto-Tune Decade (clever!), although outta-tune, auto-crooner Kanye West would probably like to think the decade belonged solely to him.

She suffers from a lack of attention.

My Prediction for the 10’s
Since Lady Gaga is the Cher of now, and IMHO she’s actually quite talented… and not to say Cher wasn’t talented… I guess what I’m saying is… keep an eye on her. She might set the next trend. Or not. Who do I look like, Phil Spector? (Don’t answer that.)

(SIDENOTE: I’m secretly rooting for Taylor Swift and her aw-shucksness to put the societal downward spiral on hold.)

*Another early auto-tuner was Kid Rock’s Only God Knows Why (1998). And it’s true – only God knows why Kid Rock hooked up with Pamela Anderson after finding out she had Hepatitis C. Perhaps he confused it with the vitamin…

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Non-Existent Cover Bands And Their Non-Existent Album Covers

Posted on December 29, 2009 by sgottahurt

It’s the week betwixt Christmas and New Year’s, so we’re slow at work.

Top 5 Non-Existent (As Far We Know) Cover Bands & Their Non-Existent Album Covers

1) Men on Break

Known for such hits as “Who Can It Be Now?” and “Down Under,” Men at Work were hard at work in the 80’s. Nowadays, there are suspicions that their cover band, Men on Break, might really be them.

Overkill, indeed.

2) Faster Than Ezra

Some people out there might not think that Better Than Ezra deserves a cover band, but the speed metal versions of “Good” and “Desperately Wanting” leave you desperately wanting more good covers.

Ezra was overheard saying, "Those mobile carriages are waaaaay faster than me."

3) Urethra Franklin

Aretha Franklin is a legend in the music business. The fact that she’s a legend at Old Country Buffet is besides the point. This rocking cover band electrifies (Ben Franklin lightning pun!) with their versions of “Respect” and “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?” (Not to be confused with anything in the Urban Dictionary.)

Little known fact: he also invented UTI's.

4) Van Couver Meloncamp

John Mellancamp, a.k.a. The Coug, has a song catalog as long and as varied as his name(s). Van Couver Meloncamp not only does a great service to such hits as “Jack & Diane” and “Hurts So Good,” VCM also “Cuts Like a Knife” to the heart of the hits of The Coug’s northern counterpart – Bryan Adams. Take a bite of Meloncamp! (Now touring in British Columbia.)

Those are some big melons.

5) Hawaii Five-O

Cops – I can take ’em or leave ’em. The Police on the other hand – put out an APB! Hawaii Five-O takes the unique approach of covering Sting’s biting melodies with the soft plucking touch of ukuleles. You never heard “Roxanne” until you heard it plinka-plinka-plink! (Moustaches, Detroit Tigers caps, and flowered shirts are optional at their performances, but highly recommended.)

Where Magnum Meets Tantric

BONUS: Alternate Urethra Franklin cover after the jump. Read More

Awesome Battle… Which Happy Find Should Have Got Its Own Post?

Posted on December 28, 2009 by sgottahurt

I’ve had so many Happy Finds that I can’t quite keep up with, so instead of letting them get lost in the ethers of net, here’s a good ol’ fashion dump list. Don’t hate me!

1) The BossHoss

This band from Berlin mocks celebrates the stylings of country music in America by covering pop tunes from America. They refer to their versions as “Country Trash Punk Rock.” But in German, I guess. (via Dave, more BossHoss here)

2) Remember these?

Oh yeah, Lisa Skye! I forgot about, um, her...

Not the specific (wacky) strip itself, but the Hostess ads found in comic books about, oh, 25-30 years ago. Okay, you probably don’t remember them. But Seanbaby (no relation) did, and he’s collected all the food-tossing, problem-solving insanity on his site.

3) Clients From Hell

Working in IT (as I do) requires an amazing amount of patience. Don’t believe me? Click on the above link, or simply watch this video. You will believe… (via Eric)

4) Unicorn Vs. Narwhal – The Game

Ever wonder what the outcome of such a fantastic battle (but not quite Awesome) would be? Click the above link and find out! (via Urlesque)

5) Working UPC Art

Like this? I can get ya even more!

Check out 24 other functional barcodes at The Chive.

Worth 1002 Words… Millennium Falcon Bed Edition

Posted on December 27, 2009 by sgottahurt

Playa Organa

Some alternates:

Princess Size
Hand Solo
Sleeps-1

(via /film)

Happy Find… Anthony Jeselnik

Posted on December 26, 2009 by sgottahurt

This guy tells the best wrong jokes I’ve ever heard. Enjoy (and possibly be mortified) while I continue nursing this hangover…

JusWondering… Have You Been Naughty Or Nice (Or A Nice Combination of Both)?

Posted on December 25, 2009 by sgottahurt

Well, well, well. It’s Christmas Day… or Boxing Day Eve for my Canadian neighbors, Friday for all you Socialist, Baby Jesus-h8ing liberals, or Day Two of my extended weekend.

For all of people celebrating the first item in the above short-list, a question commonly posed by (that pagan) Santa Claus goes, “Have you been naughty or have you been nice?”

For those that have been nice, here’s a naughty Alison Brie singing Santa Baby to Santa, the Ghost of Christmas Presents, and an adult Jesus Cowell (h8rs!):