Humor

Coinkydink or Coinkydonk? Dude’s Name Looks Like A Lady’s

Posted on by sgottahurt


(Not So) Artistic Meeting of Artists

Ryan Star meet Ryan Starr.

One was on a reality show for singers and did not win.  There other was on a reality show for singers and did not win (well, he won a car, but not the show, Rock Star: Supernova).

But the one that won a car also has a new song on the radio (aside from a song on a movie soundtrack, the theme for a TV show, and various other sporting events):

Needless to say, I’m beginning to feel like he’s the health care plan (“They took our jobs!”), Justin Beiber, or the Kardashian sisters – he’s getting shoved down our throats… through our eardrums.

Look, I actually kind of like the song, but it could have been released by David Cook, David Archuleta, Kris Allen, or Daughtry (see where I’m going with this)… It feels mass-produced, processed, programmed.  Even the video is cloying.  But again, I had to use Shazam on my iPhone twice to figure out who sang it.  Twice.

So let’s get down to this name thing.  Ryan Star as a name sounds… derivative.  Not only because he shares it with American Idol Season 1 contestant, Ryan Starr (the extra R adds some flavorr), but also his surname with this motley crew:

Ringo Starr

Ken Starr

Captain Lone Starr

Rock Star

Mon*Star

BraveStarr

Patrick Star

In closing, and in Ryan Star’s defense… Star is the middle name his hippie parents gave him, but considering Tiffany Ryan Montgomery changed her name to Ryan Starr after some advice from Paula Abdul, that should speak volumes about your final choice.

And for the record Mr. Star, Ryan Kulchinsky will always be better than r.star.

Awesome Battle… Brain Characters

Posted on by sgottahurt

10) Anne Uumellmahaye from The Man with Two Brains

Steve Martin falls in love with a brain he communicates with telepathically, and throughout the end of the movie he tries to find a host body for Anne.  Sound familiar to the plot of All of Me?  The ending is close enough to keep this brain at the bottom of the list.

9) The Martians in Mars Attacks!

The way I remember it, this movie was kind of disappointing.  But it’s probably been a long enough time to give it another shot, especially since its gained steam as a cult classic.  There.  Added to my Netflix queue.  I should be getting this DVD sometime around April 2011.

8) Brainiac from Superman comics

Brainiac could have been higher if he was still in robot form, like he was in the 80’s.  Actually, I always thought he was mostly mechanical and brain-powered.  In researching this list, I discovered he’s usually like a green-skinned Lex Luthor mixed with Lobot from The Empire Strike s Back.  Fuck that.  Hence #8.

7) Brainspawn from Futurama

Futurama is a show about a guy from our time that wakes up 1000 years in the future.  Though he’s no Rip Van Winkle – and the future is no Idiocracy – Philip J. Fry is presented his true purpose, courtesy of the Brainspawn.  Due to the fact they could not dumb him down (any more than he is normally), he saved the day.  Even though they were ultimately defeated, perchance Nibbler’s elaborate plan did not work, the Brainspawn would have cleaned up house without question.

6) The Great Brain from Ugly Americans

He’s high up on this list because I really like the show, Ugly Americans.  He’s sassy like Charles Nelson Reilly, his job is to act as a sponge, and he’s a brain stem.  What’s not to love?

5) The Brain from Pinky and — I can’t quite remember…

Every night, he tried the same thing – to take over the world.  That’s not much different from a hamster running in its wheel, when you think about it.  Despite being named after a brain and not consisting primarily of one, Pinky and the Brain started as a short on Animaniacs, and then they got their own show.  That’s how he took over this spot on this list.

4) Brain from Inspector Gadget

Another “brain in name only,” this dog was no ordinary dog.  He could walk upright.  And talk (and pantomime).  And use a computer.  And wear disguises.  And solve crimes.  Let’s see your dog accomplish any two of these.  Oh, look at how your dog walks upright in a clown costume… Okay.  Make that any three of these.

3) Mother Brain from Metroid

She might be solely riding on the coattails of the famous female protagonist, Samus Aran.  All right, I’ll admit it.  Mother Brain is completely riding on Samus’ coattails.

2) Wayne “The Main Brain” McClain from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

My curiosity in live bar trivia was piqued primarily because of the episode he appeared in.  Many years later, I still participate in the brainy drinking game.  Watch ATHF, I do not.

1) Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Who else was going to be number one, really?  Shredder was supposed to be a bad-ass, and even he kowtowed to this piece of bubble gum wrapped in a weird robot suit.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

The Fiend from Fiend Without a Face

I only heard about this movie via researching the Brainspawn from Futurama.  This movie was the inspiration for their creation, and it looks like it probably inspired a few more up above.  Furthermore, this title has gotten Billy Idol’s Eyes Without a Face stuck in my head, so no spot on the list for you…  Thanks.

Abby Normal from Young Frankenstein

It was not as much of a character as it was a bad pun.

Drunken Recollection… Upchuck Answer Round! With Photos!

Posted on by sgottahurt

These are some things I’ve been meaning to look up after a night of drinking.  I don’t remember much else but the note from my phone.

NOTE 1: trve kvlt

The answer lies no further than this picture:

The bear is definitely not "trve kvlt."

It also lies no further than this definition on Urban Dictionary.

Or no further than replacing the V’s with U’s… (and the K with a C if you’re still stumped)…

BONUS TRVE KVLT:

NOTE 2: DILLIGAF

"Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck?"

‘Nuff said.

NOTE 3: Incorruptibles

Not that kind of "incorruptible."

This is a Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox belief that I, as a Roaming Catholic, have never heard mentioned.  Apparently, the Incorruptibles are the saints whose bodies don’t decompose.  Hence the picture of Mandy Moore as opposed to a pic of an old dead dude… in a robe… in a box.

Poppycock?  You decide.  Personally, I wouldn’t want to be incorruptible.  I’d rather be like Cain in Robocop 2.

NOTE 4: “Dirty Jeans Dungarees”

What "NOTE 4" says...

This is a common misheard lyric.  The song – AC/DC’s Dirty Deeds.  The lyric – if you don’t already know the song, I don’t think you get most things on this site.

Musical Musings… Attack Of The 80’s!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Is it just me, or does this song sound about thirty years too late?

Considering that’s the goal of singer La Roux, then job well done.  I was going to write more about them (they are a duo under the guise of a solo act), but I digress…

I wanted to shine some light on a memory this current song drudged up… ever hear of Swing Out Sister?

They don’t sound the same.  Usually when I post about two songs like this, I state that.  But in this situation I’ll admit that the synapses were bridged, and nothing more.

May either one or both get stuck in your head today.

So long.  Farewell.  Auf weidersehen.  Goodnight.  (How about that little ear worm for you?)

Worth 1002 Words… Well, I Wasted My Time, So Why Not Yours Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Big Oil

Some alternates:

  • Ebony Coast
  • Black Plague
  • Top That!
  • How Crude!

SIDENOTE WORTH LESS THAN 1002 WORDS: Apparently I didn’t have the foresight to double check if anybody else had made this image yet, so I’ve spent a good portion of time (compared to what usually makes it onto this site) to make this.

For what it’s worth (about 1002 words), I think mine looks better.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Should We Have Rules Against Hollywood Nepotism?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Mr. Me-Oh-My and the Meh Men

Not every generation is the greatest.  It could be argued that not any generation is, but who am I to say.

What I want to evaluate today are the Actors! that either breed other Actors!, pull their sibling(s) into the biz, or make it to Hollywood courtesy of extended family or heritage, and if the next of kin is up to snuff.

This idea came to light courtesy of two recent “entertainment” offerings: The Karate Kid remake, and the TV show called The Good Guys.  Is it possible that Jaden Smith and Colin Hanks are worthy (eventual) replacements for their superstar Actor! parents Will Smith and Tom Hanks?  Time will tell, but my advice is this… wait until Shiloh Joile-Pitt and Suri Cruise battle for the fate of the world.

In creating these lists, I was hard pressed to find very many instances where the remakes were better than the originals (only two, as a matter of fact – check my answers at the bottom).  What do you think?

LIKE PARENT, LIKE CHILD

  • Martin Sheen -> Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez
  • Beau Bridges -> Jeff and Beau Bridges
  • Bruce Paltrow -> Gwyneth Paltrow
  • Goldie Hawn -> Kate Hudson
  • Bruce Willis->Rumor Willis
  • James Caan->Scott Caan
  • Jon Voight->Angelina Jolie
  • Dom DeLuise->Peter, Michael, and David DeLuise
  • Jerry Stiller->Ben Stiller
  • Susan Sarandon -> Eva Amurri
  • Joel Grey->Jennifer Grey

SIBLING REVERIE

  • Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal
  • Rosanna, David, Patricia, and Alexis Arquette
  • Alec, Daniel, Stephen, and William Baldwin
  • Owen, Luke, and Andrew Wilson
  • Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears
  • Eddie and Charlie Murphy
  • Bill and Joel Murray and Brian Doyle-Murray
  • Matt and Kevin Dillon
  • Hilary and Haylie Duff
  • John and Joan Cusack
  • Ben and Casey Affleck
  • Ralph and Joseph Fiennes
  • Kirk and Candace Cameron
  • Meg and Jennifer Tilly
  • John and Ellen Travolta
  • Warren Beatty and Shirley MacClaine

MULTIPLE BRANCHES

  • Ron Howard->Clint (brother) and Bryce Dallas Howard (daughter)
  • Henry Fonda->Jane (daughter), Peter (son), and Bridget Fonda (granddaughter)
  • Eric Roberts->Julia (sister) and Emma Roberts (daughter)
  • Francis Ford Coppola -> Sophia Coppola (daughter) and Nicolas Cage (nephew)

EXTENDED FAMILY

  • John Barrymore ->Drew Barrymore (grandfather)
  • Ernest Hemmingway->Margaux and Mariel Hemmingway
  • Bonnie Bedelia -> Macaulay, Kieran, and Rory Culkin (nephews)

HONORABLE MENTION

  • The Wayans Family

UNFORTUNATE COATTAILS

  • James Belushi (John)
  • Joaquin Phoenix (River)
  • Kevin Farley (Chris)
  • Jason Ritter (John)

THE CLEAR WINNERS

  • Donnie Wahlberg brought us Mark
  • Rosemary Clooney lead us to George

What?  Don’t tell me Donnie’s performance in the opening of The Sixth Sense was better then Marky Mark’s Funky Bunch of film work.  And of course, George = no contest.

(Did I miss any?)

InASense, Lost… Superpowers We Lost – And The Ones We Gain

Posted on by sgottahurt

Diaper Man is one of the scariest thinks to look for on Google Image Search.

Let me begin by saying this: Cracked Magazine might have always been #2 to Mad Magazine when I was still watching Mighty Heroes and Deputy Dawg on Channel 20, but these days, Cracked.com has some of the best comedy lists around.

Having said that, a recent list they presented covered 5 Superpowers We All Had as Babies (According to Science), and it at first made me sad.  Look at what we (InASense) lost:

  1. Mega Mind
  2. Mutant Metabolism
  3. Hyper Hearing
  4. Extreme Eyesight
  5. Tiny Telepathy

If babies didn’t creep you out already, next time you see one, remind yourself that the little bald-headed mini-human is not too different from an infantile Professor X (kinda mixed with X-Force’s Warpath).

Then I got to thinking… what powers do we get when we get older?  Let’s begin the countdown.

5. Enhanced Mobility

Never frowned upon.

We all aspire to be lazy.  And I’m not calling old people who use mobile assistance lazy.  I’m merely stating that no one gives old people dirty looks for being lazy if they’re riding in a Little Rascal.  Because they’re old.

4. Living in the Past

Back in his day, laptops were where kids bent over to get the belt.

Change is a-comin’, and there ain’t no rest for the wicked.  Of course, I’m mixing my Metamucils, but my point is this: the future sucks.  Now kind of sucks.  The best way to escape all of that – remember the good ol’ days.  And talk about them constantly.

3. Mind Control

"Oh if I could only have some crumpets to go with my tea. Oh, you can get me some crumpets too? Bless you."

Sure, it might be out of guilt.  It might even be out pity.  But the elderly have a way of getting young people to do their bidding.  And the young person might even get a few dollars for their trouble, but the young person will probably give it back.  Mind control!

2. You Get to Say Whatever You Want

Game. Set. Match.

Loose lips used to sink ships.  Now loose lips are expected.  Be inappropriate.  Flirt.  Be rude.  Be sexist.  Hell, be racist.  You’re old.  All is forgiven.

1. Unlimited Drug Access

"Grams" could have more than one meaning.

Everybody thought it was funny when Grandma said she wanted to get a license for medicinal marijuana.  Now everybody’s jealous.

A Handful Of… Show’s Not Given A Fair Shake On TV (And “Too Bad It’s Cancelled” Lists)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This little list came to light courtesy of my pal Chris lamenting a few shows that have come to pass.  Two of them I had watched and whole-heartedly agreed with; one I had not watched but have since picked up on DVD for $14.99.

The one I will soon be watching: Life On Mars.  What’s there not to like about a cop getting hit by a car in 2008, waking up in 1973, and calling himself Luke Skywalker?  Add Harvey Keitel and bring to a hard-boiled pulp fiction.

Apparently I'm so out of the loop on this show, Rachel Lefevre and Colm Meaney (both on the right) never made it past the pilot.

The two I actually enjoyed quite a bit: Miss Guided and Kath & Kim.

Not pictured: Chris Parnell... He must have been at a viewing of "The Chronic-what!-cles of Narnia."

Miss Guided (not to be confused with Alicia Silverstone’s Miss Match) was about a high school counselor working at her alma mater with other former classmates.  That wasn’t used as a source of tomfoolery or chicanery; it just happened to be.  But they were entertaining characters in spite the “high-(school)-concept,” and I wish it couldn’t have been given more time.

Not pictured: dignity.

Kath & Kim was fairly unique for a couple of reasons:

  1. Its retro (?) gauche look.
  2. Its odd comic timing.
  3. It predates Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz’s new movie – Knight & Day – by two years.  (See… Kath’s last name is Day, and her beau’s last name is Knight.)
  4. I hate Selma Blair normally and I liked her on this show.

Though it took two episodes for me to get into this Australian remake, once I did, I appreciated the strange universe that Kath & Kim lived in.

It's like you don't know any of these people.

It’s Like, You Know… was another show that came to mind that never got a fair shake.  I watched it mainly because I was a fan of Chris Eigeman, king of the indie films I watched in college (most notably Kicking and Screaming – not the Will Ferrell version), and A.J. Langer (because she was cute).

It was about a guy (Eigeman) from New York that moved to Los Angeles and couldn’t get the lifestyle.  It premiered after I had moved back from L.A., so I had an extra appreciation for it maybe.  The best gag I remember from the show – nobody could recognize Jennifer Grey (who played herself) because she had a nose job.  It sounds mean, but it wasn’t.

"Yes, Dear," that is the second chick to babysit "Monk."

To me, this next show shares a distinct privilege with only one other show.  I must have watched the pilot for Boston Common more than five times before the next episode premiered (Pushing Daisies holds the paired seat).

What I remember enjoying so much about it was the perfect rhythm of its story mixed so well with natural humor. Anthony Clark was sincere (which was never attained ever on Yes, Dear); Traylor Howard was sassy (which she was able to showcase in the next show on my list, as well as Monk); and oh, I don’t know… it was charming.

Somebody lost count, apparently. And the pizza.

From the get-go of Two Guys and a Girl (née Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place), I knew Ryan Reynolds was going to be a big star.  It took a little longer than I expected (and a major workout regime), but I could tell his Chevy Chase-ish schtick was going to get him far.

This guy… I didn’t see it coming:

I guess he's not "that" big of a star... yet.

The last show in my A Handful of Show’s Not Given a Fair Shake on TV (and “Too Bad It’s Cancelled”) list is Stark Raving Mad, starring post-Wings Tony Shalhoub and post-Starship Troopers Neil Patrick Harris (you thought I was going to say say post-Doogie Howser, MD).

I was going to say I was stark, raving, mad this was cancelled, but I won't.

To think… if this show would have lasted, we may never have Adrian Monk and more importantly… Barney Stinson.

Beware of the Shelly Galezby area.

Happy Finds… Overdue Shout Outs To Some Nerd Sites

Posted on by sgottahurt

They might not update that often, but these are a few sites i enjoy checking up on from time to time.

Toys!

You want toys!

Then head on over to Weirdo Toys to find the likes of this!

Once upon a time, also found in my basement.

Cartoons!

You want cartoons!

Then allow me to present Worst Cartoons Ever!

Azula (from "Avatar: The Last Airbender") was picked the best villain after The Joker (from "Batman")... I can't complain about that.

Comics!

You want comics!

Well if you want comics (and TV and movies), then look no further than Atomic Gadfly!

Currently, there's a very interesting article about Don Glover's bid to play Peter Parker in the new Spider-Man reboot.

The final nerd site I’d like to recommend… this one!

JusWondering… Is It Better To Be First Or Last?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Will Ferrell would be the first to tell you, "Dunking is the last thing I'll try again."

This will be a simple study.  I’ll play it as a game of percentages whether a film is good or not, based upon reviews via Rotten Tomatoes.  Then I’ll make up some way to decide which is better – to be first… or last?

Let’s start with the “firsts,” first…

  • First Daughter – bad at 9%
  • First Sunday – bad at 14%
  • At First Sight – bad at 34%
  • The First Wives Club – bad at 42%
  • 50 First Dates – bad at 44%
  • First Knight – bad at 44%
  • Murder in the First – bad at 52%
  • First Blood – good at 86%
  • Star Trek: First Contact – good at 92%

Two out of nine films were considered good.  That means 22% of titles that include the word “first” are good.  One in about five is not a blue ribbon winner.

Maybe this kind of blue ribbon.

Last but not lease, here a the “lasts”…

  • I Know What You Did Last Summer – bad at 34%
  • The Last Action Hero – bad at 39%
  • The Last House on the Left (remake) – bad at 42%
  • The Last Boy Scout – bad at 43%
  • The Last Unicorn – bad at 50%
  • The Last Castle – bad at 52%
  • Save the Last Dance – bad at 53%
  • X-Men: The Last Stand – bad at 57%
  • The Last House on the Left (original) – good at 63%
  • The Last Samurai – good at 65%
  • The Last Station – good at 71%
  • The Last Temptation of Christ – good at 83%
  • The Last King of Scotland – good at 87%
  • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – good at 89%
  • The Last Emperor – good at 91%
  • The Last of the Mohicans– good at 97%
  • The Last Picture Show – good at 100%
  • Last Night – N/A
  • The Last Airbender – N/A

Nine of seventeen films that have been reviewed (Last Night and The Last Airbender aren’t out yet) were given good reviews.  This means that a little more than every other movie using “last” in the title (53% of them) are bound to be good.

So to answer the question nobody was asking but me, my new script called Last of the Firsts has a 75% chance at being good! Or does that mean it has a 125% chance of being bad?

No matter what, it still has to be better than First Daughter…

This is one of the worst posters I've ever seen.