Humor

A Handful Of… Decidedly 90’s Ditties

Posted on by sgottahurt

To refer to these tunes as ditties might imply that they’re gipper chipper, but come on… it was the 90’s.  Nothing was chipper.

What’s interesting about this A Handful Of is that I don’t think they could have been made at any time other than that dreary decade.

(SIDENOTE: Okay, two of them are kind of chipper.)

 

  • Sponge’s Molly (16 Candles Down the Drain) – 1995
  • Tripping Daisy’s I Got a Girl – 1995
  • Seven Mary Three’s Cumbersome – 1996
  • Nada Surf’s Popular – 1996
  • Butthole Surfer’s Pepper – 1996
  • Cornershop’s Brimful of Asha – 1997

Happy Find… Art Of My Mind

Posted on by sgottahurt

Art, via the billionaires over at Instagram

This is actually an old Happy Find, in the traditional sense, but I’m happy to find that my sister is keeping it up again.

It’s an odd little art blog called Art of My Mind, and she very well may be what the pun is a pun of, but I enjoy it, so I hope you would, too.  I find myself laughing more than I thought I would at her insights.

Check it out by clicking here.

Awful Battle… These Commercials Can’t Be Real (Or Can They?)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is really one of the weirdest groupings of commercials I’ve ever seen.

This first one doesn’t seem like a real ad on TV, but oh yes – it is:

Does this one feature Legos?  Legos?!  Who’s watching this?!

This one might (?) be (?) racist (?), but the scariest thing is the concept of a communal chocolate fondue…

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… What A Tees

Posted on by sgottahurt

This post is an imaginary post that I might have written in the 90’s.  Hence the monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK, minus the monkeys…

T-shirts are definition in cloth form.  They’re not only brand labels, but personality labels.

When I wore Rude Dog shirts, I wanted to be seen as a Rude Dog:

I was usually more in the mood to be annoying.

When I wanted to be as bad as Bart Simpson, I’d get out my slingshot and this shirt:

Somebody ate my shorts.

When I wanted people to think I was stuck up and well-traveled (and well fed), I’d wear something from my Hard Rock Cafe collection:

(Insert city name above... and Ray-Bans)

And then there was one shirt I always considered wearing because they were punny, but never did because they were, well, you be the judge:

Additional phrase: "Something-something-something up-stares."

In My Brain While Sleeping… A New Novelty Scale

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s time again for that age-old question:

Could this novelty scale I dreamed about ever exist, and if it did, would it sell?

In a nutshell, the novelty scale is like a combination of these two items:

Ooh... colors.

Essentially, it would work like this:

  1. There would be a pool table with a mathematically defined set of numbered balls on the table.
  2. You’d step on a scale at the end of the table.
  3. The balls would scramble to the nearest pockets (courtesy of magnets?), leaving behind the balls that added up to your weight.  Kind of like how the above thermometer works (courtesy of magnets?).

There are plenty of weird people out there with money to burn.  So… any takers?

Hibbidy-Wah?! Pink Slime, Bugs In Coffee, And Now This!

Posted on by sgottahurt

By now, everyone’s heard about pink slime.  boring.  (It’s so boring I didn’t even feel like capitalizing the B.)

And you may or may not have heard that a bug called the Polish cochineal (insert joke here)is used as a food and drink color dye called carmine.  The bug looks like this:

The drawing is easier to stomach... so to speak.

The big reveal was that Starbucks (heavens!) was using the dead beetle dye to color one of their strawberry drinks.

I told you so.

So what’s the next thing that’s going to shock us?  It’d have to be big.  Big like finding out Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, who have been happily married for 23 years, are – I don’t know – related.

They are "The Closer" than they thought. (<----Much better than a "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" joke.)

“The Shot” To Just Sh–ty… NBC’s Up All Night

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve mentioned my television viewing rules before, but here I go again.

TV DRAMAS RULE: I will not watch a new drama in its first year (because it might get cancelled).

I followed that rule with Justified (WIN!) and LOST (fuck LOST), but not American Horror Story (fuck AHS… but not as much as LOST).  With sitcoms, the rule is even simpler:

TV COMEDIES RULE: Watch… if funny, repeat.

So that brings us to this show:

This show is not following the promise of its premise. (<----writer's lingo)

WHY I GAVE THIS  SHOW “THE SHOT”

Well, to begin:

  1. Will Arnett
  2. Christina Applegate
  3. …

Both of them deserve a chance to be on another decent show, and I thought the “cool couple have to adjust to be cool parents” wasn’t the stupidest idea out there.  So why not?  The remainder of the cast didn’t hurt/help either (Maya Rudolph’s okay, and Scientologist former skateboarder Jason Lee showed up for a while).

WHY I DECLARE THIS SHOW AS “JUST SHITTY”

Applegate’s Reagan isn’t likeable.  And I’m not saying likeable is required.  The casts of Seinfeld, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Arrested Development, and even Friends featured some unlikable members.  But you still liked them despite the distaste they left in your mouth.  And I don’t think it’s Applegate’s fault.  (Well one thing is… I hate her stupid baby name necklace.)

Ick.

No, I blame show creator Emily Spivey.  They always say “write what you know,” so to me, this former SNL scribe fancies herself quite the privileged producer that’s entitled to have it all – just like Reagan.

The biggest moment that turned me off the show was an episode in which they were flying to a wedding with the baby.  They had a plan that involved them sitting together, and upon finding out they couldn’t, she threw a fit and hassled the woman at the reservation guest because she didn’t get her way.  As she walked off, she disconnected the retractable straps that compose the queue.  Was I supposed to be on her side?!  Because all I thought was fuck her,  Even the neighbors they hate that we’re supposed to hate makes them look callous.

In closing, I wish the show this premiered along with lasted.  Free Agents was way more interesting… and adult.

Drunken Recollection… Condiment Machines Full Of

Posted on by sgottahurt

Let’s face it.  Pick-up lines suck.  I recently asked a waitress at one of the gang’s usual spots what she thought of them.  My friend had a poor one that involved a vulgar nickname, whereas I tested the classic stolen by the movie Hall Pass:

How much does a polar bear weigh?  Enough to break the ice.

Cheesy as hell?  Yes.  Good?  Not really… but it’s nowhere near offensive is my point.

At this point, the waitress shared what she thought was a cute pick-up line.  I don’t know if it happened to her, and if it did, whether it worked, but here it goes… a guy hurries up to a girl holding something in his hand, and he says:

You dropped your name tag.

And he gives her this:

 

Stunned, we were.  (Talked like Yoda, we didn’t.)  Once she walked away, and the spirited conversation began.

Here are some alternates (WARNING! BY DEFAULT, THEY ARE NOT GOOD!):

SAY:

I did this to my courage to talk to you.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I’m glad I was able to do this to you.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I’ll do this to the time we spend together.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I view you as this.

HAND OVER:

(SIDENOTE: This was our favorite from the night.)

SAY WHILE HANDING OVER:

ACCEPTABLE FOLLOW-UP ITEM TO HAND OVER AS YOUR RESPONSE:

UNACCEPTABLE FOLLOW-UP ITEM TO HAND OVER AS YOUR RESPONSE:

The Silver Lining… Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Aliens

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve come to Michael Bay’s defense once before.  I’m not going to do it again.

But I might have to find The Silver Lining in his decision to reboot the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as aliens.

These are not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

What good might I find in the seemingly asinine idea to change the beloved oozy origin of our pizza-loving, sewer-dwelling crime fighters?  Midi-chlorians, anyone?

These are not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Sometimes such changes work.  In the Sam Raimi Spider-Man series, didn’t a genetically altered spider make a lot more sense than a radioactive one?  (Maybe not enough.  Part 3 did suck, and the new film is abandoning that concept.)

This might be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

I think the best part is that we might finally get to see this guy: Krang.

Okay, he's technically from Dimension X, but isn't that alien enough?

Four movies in, and the best baddies we’ve seen are these two?

Tokka and Rahzar. Why not Bebop and Rocksteady?

That’s at least my hope.  I can’t take any more Shredder nonsense…

Worth 1002 Words… Where Is My Chair? Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Seriously, though.

(via @whereismychair on Twitter.  Apparently some douchey teacher always complains about someone taking his chair.  In reality, the chair has a life of its own…)