Worth 1002 Words… Dolphin Uprising Edition
Evolution Revolution
Some alternates:
- Higher Porpoise
- Robo Blowhole
- Dolphin Lundgren
- See World
- Bad Mammal-Jamma
- H2 Uh-Oh
Holidays
Happy Find… Selleck Waterfall Sandwich
There’s not much more than can be said about this Happy Find than can be said by this logo:
If it doesn’t make any sense, here’s the translation: Selleck Waterfall Sandwich. And you haven’t had your fill of 80’s facial hair, beautiful flowing landscapes, and, well, meat and cheese between bread slices, here’s a tasty taste:
A submarine sandwich? How rich! (Click image if the GIF isn't working)
Feel free to think of this post as a belated Valentine’s Day present, or as a Heart Shaped Boxing Day present for our Canadian friends!
Musical Musings… Sir Charles = Saint Nick, At Least According To Taco Bell
Immediately upon hearing the song in this commercial, I liked it:
It’s infectious, it’s about my favorite fast food joint, and it’s… Christmas-y?
The jingling in the background of the “rap” sounds like this to me:
The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… This Decade For Me
Last year at this time, I decided to have a New Year’s Resolution Revolution and solve some problems. This year – I’m evaluating my decade. Everybody else is doin’ it, so why not me.
The end of the last decade was The Shit:
1999
- Having just returned from spending a month in Europe, and ready to sell pc’s again at Circuit Shitty making very good commission money… only to learn that Y2K was keeping everyone from buying.
- I took up a second job working overnight at Target where I met many of the people who would stay friends throughout the decade.
The start of this decade:
2000
- After quitting both the above retailers, I was an extra in the movie 61*.
- I started at my current job, and then…
Nothing much. For ten years. Awesome.
(Not So) Artistic Representation
The above graph is representative of what my sister once told me:
Most people live in the real world and dip into the fantasy world. You [“I” – Ed.] do the exact opposite.
This past year, I think I might have joined the rest of the world.
I might have grown up.
And time will only tell if that’s Just Shitty…
JusWondering… Have You Been Naughty Or Nice (Or A Nice Combination of Both)?
Well, well, well. It’s Christmas Day… or Boxing Day Eve for my Canadian neighbors, Friday for all you Socialist, Baby Jesus-h8ing liberals, or Day Two of my extended weekend.
For all of people celebrating the first item in the above short-list, a question commonly posed by (that pagan) Santa Claus goes, “Have you been naughty or have you been nice?”
For those that have been nice, here’s a naughty Alison Brie singing Santa Baby to Santa, the Ghost of Christmas Presents, and an adult Jesus Cowell (h8rs!):
For those of you that have been good, ol’ fashioned naughty, here’s a Krampus gallery:
And because you’ve been especially bad, here’s a video, too:
InASense, Lost… So That’s Where Santa Claus Comes From
As a kind and generous soul, I implore you – gather up your children, and together watch this origin story of Santa Claus. Revel in the triumphs and joys of his journey from his humble beginnings in the Korvatunturi Mountains, to the plush decorative throne at your local mall and local malls around the world…
But be careful. If you do not respect Father Christmas, this will be the outcome (if you’re lucky):
If any of the above has offended or scarred you, you’re welcome. If you want to take matters up with the company, please feel free to contact Rare Exports, Inc by clicking on this link.
Merry Christmas, bitches!
Hibbidy-Wah?! Give Me A F—ing (Christmas) Break
I’m running low on my Christmas spirit as I’m quickly realizing most all of my Christmas wishes are not coming true. Smack that up against with me coming across this over-indulgent greeting card that almost two-million people have already seen (speaking of smack, that kid’s mug is begging for one):
I watched the entire extravaganza, and I guess the guy that set it up used to do special effects for Disney, but still… ick. The song is even terrible.
It kind reminds me of a light show version of this:
"It's craptastic!"
(And for the record… no, I am not his neighbor…)
All I Want For Christmas Is… Parajet SkyCar – No, I Mean, BackJoy
I had a mystery that required solving (as all mysteries do) about a week ago. The situation was this:
I had awakened in the middle of the night to witness an infomercial for a product that you sat on, and it was supposed to help your spine align properly. I had no more to go on than that… well… that, and the website site that sounded something like BooYah.com.
I asked everyone around the office. I Googled as fervently as I could. I could not find anything about this thing you sit on for spine support.
That was until I stumbled upon the word “orthotic.” And indeed, the product was like a shoe insert. Very soon after I found it… BackJoy.
As Danny Glover once said, in his mid-20's, "I'm too young for this shit."
My co-workers had me thinking I dreamed it, when it was truly a reality. No longer would I be uncomfortable sitting on stools without backs at the bars – I could have BackJoy! And that’s when it hit me. I’d have to carry this thing around with me, wherever I went, because I’m sure my back would get used to it.
So then I settled upon wanting this. It was love at first glance:
An older Danny Glover was overheard saying, "I'll take ten." (Because he's rich, you see.)
Parajet SkyCar – the flying auto! A reality actually spawned in my dreams! Oh, the places– wait, what’s that? It glides? With a parachute?
Just give me the BackJoy. And make sure it comes with a carrying case…
All I Want For Christmas Is… Any Of These Toys (But Mostly MindFlex… Maybe)
I haven’t been this amazed since I’ve seen babies reading, but this MindFlex toy looks incredible.
Use your brain to move around a ball! How could any kid not want this! Well, that is unless it’s a scam…
So if that idea doesn’t fly (ha!), how about some of these Cubedudes! Who doesn’t love superheroes made out of Legos?
Something's fishy if Aquaman's included...
Oh. They’re a personal project. Thanks for getting my hopes up (Comics Alliance I’m looking at you)! You surely wouldn’t screw me twice, because if I can’t have those, I’ll gladly take one of these:
The Rocketeer got the Feds and the Mafia to work together to fight Nazis... He's a certified hero!
Okay, then just give me this… it’s available on most reputable retail sites…
I've never met a stripper named Carousel, though it seems like it could be possible.
Oh. It’s $250. That’s about $230 over our spending limit. Never mindflex.
All I Want For Christmas Is… To Live Here, Sleep Here, Or Drive This
Like any person stuck in their own life, I dream of other places to be, other things to sleep on, and other things to drive. Here are each of my wishes:
1) Habitat 67
Named so because it was built in 1967, this prefab community looks cool as whip. It’s located in Montreal, which I think is in Canada (I’m just kidding… I know it’s in Mexico). So it’s old and in another country, which would normally be two strikes against a place, yet I still would like to inhabitat it. That’s mostly because I hear there’s a lot of models there (source needed). Wait, you don’t think they mean models, like “women posing” do you? ‘Cause that’d be so much better than putting together plastic crap with glue…
This is where the new version of "The Prisoner" should have been filmed.
How cool are things that transform? The correct answer – very. Except when it comes to couches that transform into beds. But not anymore, thanks to this brilliant idea.
If only I could get somebody to sleep over...
Or would you prefer the Do Hit Chair?
This chair costs $6000. Srsly...
3) A-Team Smart Car
‘Nuff said.
B.A. Baracus pities the fool that has to ride in the back.
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