Holidays

I Am Thankful For… Victoria’s Former Secret, Candice Swanepoel

Posted on by sgottahurt

As I sit and watch my Detroit Lions blow their chance to obliterate the Dallas Cowboys (and former Lions quarterback, John Kitna) and walk away with the better record of 3-7 vs. 2-8, I’ve decided to discover and uncover the beauty that is Candice Swanepoel.

It took me a little while to figure who she was after seeing her in a Victoria’s Secret commercial, and I’ve done it!  Unlike the Lions (they didn’t do it)…

To erase the loss from my memory, here’s Candice in a cowgirl costume:

Yee-haw!

 

The rest is pure bonus:

 

She may not be a lioness, but she's close...

The Lions will be flying home for another game on Thanksgiving!

Here's to hoping they can clean up their own mess. I, on the other hand, could use Ms. Swanepoel's help.

BONUS! BONUS! VIDEO!

 

(more costumed Candice’s here)

I Am Thankful For… Not Living In Russia

Posted on by sgottahurt

I recently had a discussion with my mother about our family’s heritage, and I always thought I was 75% Polish, 12.5% Ukranian, 6.25% Lithuanian, and 6.25% Russian.  Turns out, she doesn’t think that we are part-Russian at all.  I’ve been saying that all my life, and I don’t think I made that up, but that’s neither here nor over there… which thankfully, I’m not.

I’m sure there are plenty more reasons not to want to live in Russia.  I’m basing it solely on the brashness of their rodents.

Check ’em out:

I Am Thankful For… The Ultimate Alternative To Turkey

Posted on by sgottahurt

Thanksgiving is upon us, and so it is time to begin to list the things I Am Thankful For… and I shall start with this:

Surprisingly Affordable

So I bet you’re all wondering:

Is it real?

And if you’re asking that, you might have wanted to lead up to that question with this one:

Are unicorns real?

But the long and the short of it is… it is real.

Just Sh–ty To Just Sh–tier… Political Correctness Runs (As Fast As You Can) Amuck

Posted on by sgottahurt

Gingerbread Being

This week the gingerbread man dodged a bullet in the UK.  He was thisclose to being furthermore referred to as (heaven forbid) a gingerbread person.  But this got me thinking:

Where would this kind of political correctness take us next?

  • Could we no longer go “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” since it’s insensitive to cuckoo people?

Sonny through the years, starting with a pink and white shirt, then nude, and finally whatever the current incarnation is wearing...

  • Would the Kool Aid Man become the Kool Aid Douchebag?

Too late...

  • What would become of McDonald’s beloved character, Grimace?

"Grimambiguous?"

InASense, Lost… Garfield Hates Mondays, And Veterans Apparently

Posted on by sgottahurt

Whoo, boy… you’re going to have to sit down for this one because itza doozy, lemme tell you.

Garfield creator Jim Davis recently apologized for this:

 

Talk about "Wooof" (see the last post)

 

I mean, it’s not only an affront to this nation’s veterans (you read the linked article above, right?)*, but it’s also terribly…

…not funny.

Seriously, why the fuck is this shit still being produced and published?  I’d have to harken back to a time in my youth when I looooved Garfield, but even now, I’m hard-pressed to recall if I ever thought the strip was humorous.

I think my reason for liking him stems from the fact that he was the first character I taught myself how to draw, or it’s simply because I had limited options outside of Peanuts, Blondie, and Cathy.  (This time frame falls well before the genius that was Calvin & Hobbes, and his pissed-off merchandising rip-offs.  And come to think of it, at this time in my life, I did enjoy ABC’s TGIF lineup.)

In closing, this atrocity needs to meet its end, and if he’s lucky… maybe we’ll celebrate a National Stupid Day in his honor.

*It was published on Veteran’s Day.

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Candy Name Origins Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Soda comes in candy- and bottledy-forms...

Halloween is here, and it’s time to test (or bone up on) your candy history.  Yummy!

1) Baby Ruth

    a) New York Yankee Hall of Famer, Babe Ruth
    b) President Grover Cleveland’s daughter in infant form, Ruth
    c) inventor Ruth Baby
    d) it’s really a) but b) is the cover story

2) Snickers

    a) The Mars Family’s dog
    b) The Mars Family’s cat
    c) The Mars Family’s horse
    d) The Mars Family’s hamster’s poop

3) Mike and Ike

    a) as a result of a company-wide contest
    b) after a 1937 song titled “Mike and Ike (The Twins)”
    c) after a Vaudeville act “Mike and Ike, We’re Just Alike”
    d) after the founder’s family friends named Mike Greene and Ike Johnson
    e) who knows?

4) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

    a) a former dairy farmer named Reese
    b) a former peanut farmer named Reese
    c) a former chocolatier named Reese
    d) a former wrestler named Reese

5) Everlasting Gobstoppers

    a) the film “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”
    b) the film “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”
    c) the book “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”
    d) it’s all a big Coinkydink (or Coinkydonk)

(answers after the jump) Read More

Awful Battle… Not All Candy Is Dandy

Posted on by sgottahurt

Halloween is spookily and creepily and horrifically upon us.  Boo!

Well, at least it has been ever since they pulled all the Back-to-School displays at your local Target a month ago and threw up the orange and black.  So while speaking of “throwing up,” I figured an Awful Battle featuring terrible candy would be frighteningly appropriate!

  • Candy Buttons

Who likes their sugar droppings with a bit of paper?  Perhaps the same people who thought biodegradable gum wrappers were meant for eating.

"Candy Buttons" sounds like a cute porn star name.

  • Orange and Black Taffy(?)

I don’t know what this candy really is, but it was cheap to give out  so I used to get plenty when out trick-or-treating.  I’d much prefer Smarties, thank you.

What were these called? Cheapies? Dummies?

  • Bit-O-Honey

Honey is not candy.  Not now.  Not ever.  Well maybe in the 20’s…

My grandma always had Bit-O-Honey, and I always ate them. Butterscotch, too.

  • Circus Peanuts

Orange marshmallows pressed into peanuts may sound like a win at the circus, but in the real world, normal men do put on face paint and cram into Mini Coopers (that often).  Draw your own conclusions.

I once dared my brother to pack a ton of these into his mouth when he was a kid. Wasn't one of my tougher dares, but the results were funny.

  • Wax Lips

I don’t know how many times I tried chewing on these like they were gum, but they were not gum.  Wax is not gum no matter what anyone tells you!

Not gum!

  • Boston Baked Beans

I don’t think I could even eat these if I was the middle word.

Beans, beans, they're good for nothing.

  • Almond Joy / Mounds

Not a fan of coconut.  That will probably never change, even if I ended up on Survivor.  But if my alternative was rat meat…

Sometimes you feel like a nut, because frankly, you're nuts.

  • Tootsie Fruit Rolls

A perfect example of “if it’s not broke, don’t give it a fruit flavor when chocolate is perfectly fine.”

I have heard the vanilla flavor is pretty good, though.

  • Apple-Flavored Jolly Ranchers

I like Jolly Ranchers otherwise.  This adverse reaction to one particular flavor probably deals with the fact we had an apple tree when I was a child, and I hated picking up the fallen, rotten, worm-invested symbols of the Fall of Man.  Mjusayin’.

I don't like apple juice, candy apples, applesauce, apple fritters, apple cider, nor Apl.De.Ap.

  • Runts Bananas

Why are there so many bananas in a bag or box of Runts?!  And why are they so hard?!

Case closed.

A Handful Of… Sort Of Obscure Films Watched Over And Over

Posted on by sgottahurt

They say youth is wasted on the youth.  Well I say, adulthood is a waste if adults aren’t wasted.  (See what I did there?)

Today I present to you A Handful Of flicks (as opposed to a fistful of punches) that I have seen way too many times growing up, wasting my youth as a youth.

  • Summer School (1987)

This movie lead to me discovering (what I consider) the greatest horror film of all time: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Without this film, it would have taken me longer to discover who Carl Reiner (the director and Rob’s dad) was, but it might have spared me from seeing Mark Harmon’s Worth Winning (going into my Netflix queue… right now).  Also, it may be a contender for starting the “dogs wearing sunglasses” genre of movie posters.

And not speaking of (big red) dogs, but of grown men portraying obnoxious children, there’s…

  • Clifford (1994)

Okay, I might not have been so young when I watched this film over and over and over again.  But I mean, come on!  Martin Short is playing a ten-year-old boy!  Hijinks and hilarity ensue!

Now back to dogs (and films made in 1987)…

  • Walk Like a Man (1987)

Howie Mandel – of America’s Got Talent, Deal or No Deal, Bobby’s World, Good Grief, and blowing up rubber gloves over his head – was raised by dogs.  ‘Nuff said.

  • Moving (1988)

Without this Richard Pryor vehicle, the world would never have met Stacey Dash (where has she been, by the way?)… but it would have also been spared Dana Carvey and Randy Quaid… moving on…

  • Cloak & Dagger (1984)

Elliott wasn’t good in this movie, E.T... Henry Thomas’ character shot and killed a bad guy in the end of this movie!  Try to fit something like that in the next Alvin and the Chipmunks Squeakuel, Hollywood!

  • Can’t Buy Me Love (1987)

I’ve already professed my love for Amanda Peterson long ago on this site, so let’s leave it at that.  Well, that post and this quote:

There’s only one other titty, quite this pretty…

How’s this for a segue…

What can money buy, if not love?  Ho, ho, ho’s!

  • Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)

This is the first movie I ever remember reading a review about.  I recall some comment about producer Alexander Salkind’s obsession with origin stories.  You see, this film dealt with Santa’s humble beginnings (unlike Tim Allen’s punderful The Santa Clause), and Salkind’s previous productions included The Three Musketeers (1973) and Superman (1978).  Three films = obsession, I guess.

And this last cinematic masterpiece just screams REMAKE WITH TRACY MORGAN!  (Not really…)

  • The Toy (1982)

As a youth, I didn’t waste time pondering the logistics of a film about a rich white man buying his spoiled son a black man as a toy… so why start now!

Onto being an adult, and getting wasted!

Musical Musings… This Has To Be The Worst Song Of All Time

Posted on by sgottahurt

This song has been stalking me, and if it had any lyrics, it would quickly make my Kamikaze Karaoke list.  It’s already a contender to supplant a tune in my Unholy Trilogy (these are the three songs that will make me leave a bar).

And as much as I loathe Eric Johnson’s Cliffs of Dover because of this smug fucking kid (to be honest, I probably would have hated the riffs without his shit-eating grin), this song is unforgivable for being… yeah, I’m going to just go with being.

Ever have a song follow you?

Worth 1002 Words… Easter Candy Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Exotic Treat

Some alternaughties:

  • Chicks, Man
  • Marshmellow Out
  • Candy Delights
  • Sugar Tits
  • Happy Easter!