Worth 1002 Words… I Hope This Is A Halloween Costume Edition
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Holidays
Unofficial Trilogy… Halloween Horror Oreo Edition
I’m especially proud of this Unofficial Trilogy… The Halloween Horror Oreo:
Horror films always mess with our heads, even in the posters.
It’s very possible that you haven’t heard of any of these films, and if you did, it’s probably more likely that you’ve never seen them. Watch them! And in this order. The Oreo-ness will become apparent soon enough.
This David Cronenberg film proves my theory that size matters in regard to what’s scary. I would explain what this film was about, but I fear (ha!) it would give too much away. Cronenberg is known primarily for his “body horror” films, and this one is no different. Watch it first to set the dark mood…
This goofier horror film about a dessert that turns people into zombies is the cream-filling needed to clean your palette after The Brood, and prepare you for…
This film is atmospheric as fuck. And well-written. And well-directed. And well-acted, which is weird considering Matthew McConaughey is in it. It’s about the sons of a serial killer that believes he’s carrying out God’s plans. Man, is this dark movie good… unlike my write-ups on all these films.
So in closing, when you ask me:
Trick or treat?
You’ll have to watch this Unofficial Horror Oreo Trilogy to find out!
Drunken Recollection… The Case Of Two Santa Mummies!
There’s something fishy going on here, and it begins with this guy:
Yes, that says, "Santa's all stuffing and bones."
This was one of my favorite stories from my time spent living in Los Angeles, but now, it has elevated to simply one of my favorite stories.
(SIDENOTE: As a young writer, I remember reading many how-to articles about recycling your material to different papers. At the time, I couldn’t see how that was possible. Now? Lesson learned.)
Anyhohoho, around Christmas of 1997, a pair of my friends came to visit, and they discovered an unbelievable article in New Times Los Angeles. Here’s an excerpt (the sideways PDF of the article is after the jump, as well as what TV shows were being filmed at NBC in ’97, and a BONUS strange Detroit-centric article):
“I’ve been passing by this Santa, watching him do his little wave thing since I was a kid,” one officer, who asks not to be identified, says. “It wasn’t an easy thing to take, seeing the arm with that bone coming out and thinking there’s a real person in there. Lots of us, I think, really had a lot of affection for him, and to consider having to unplug him, stop the waving, take off that nice red suit and open him up to, well . . . no one wants to think of the Slacks n’ Such Santa as human remains.”
Crazy, right? I’ve told people about this Santa Claus mummy for fourteen years. And thankfully, while drunk at a one year old’s birthday party, when this tale was brought up again, my friend revealed he kept the article! So over the next few days of all three of us emailing back and forth, a new light was shed upon the subject.
The author of The Case of the Disarming Santa, Peter Gilstrap, wrote the exact same article for New Times Phoenix one year earlier! (To read the full article easier, click here.)
All the names and places remain exactly the same, except for the specific mentions of the individual cities.
So is the story real?
If I look up Laird Avenue, which is mentioned in both stories, what do I find?
How about any history of the store in front of which the Christmas corpse was found?
That sunovabitch double-dipped. And he tricked all three of us hook, line, and chimney. Can I blame him for spreading his own urban legend? Not at all. I wasn’t local. I had no fond memories of any mechanical Santa Claus displays. But I do have to applaud the audacity it took to try to pass the same story off in two cities it likely never occurred in.
It’s a regular fucking Christmas miracle…
Happy (Blasphamous?) Easter!
Without further ado… Jesus’ take on Rebecca Black’s Friday:
Drunken Recollection… Evil Grimace
He has McDiabetes.
Okay, all you Super-Sized McFatties out there, are you ready for this?
Wait… that’s kind of the wrong way to start this post. Kind of like how McDonald’s started Grimace out as an evil, four-armed thief…
He was introduced in 1971, and made only these two appearances as a bad guy. For whatever reason, he was quickly converted into the purple gumdrop we all know and… are mildly nostalgic about? But finding out about this, one night while drinking, finally shed some light on a question I’ve long battled:
If Grimace means a sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust, why would they name the lovable oaf that?
Lovable oaf? Really?!
It’s because he started out as a… sharp contortion of the face expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust, I guess.
But I digress. Anyone out there remember Uncle O’Grimacy? Because for some reason, I don’t.
But this talk of Shamrock Shakes and St. Patrick’s Day gets me thinking… man, I can’t wait to do more drinking. And drinking is what lead me to this overall discovery.
It’s the circle of life. Or the Golden Arches of life. Have it your way. Oh wait, that’s the Burger King slogan, but I’m lovin’ it.
InASense, Lost… I Didn’t Even Know They Were Broken Up
Sometimes ignorance is bliss (or is it always?), and this case of ignorance is a mixed bag.
On one hand, it’s good that I didn’t know this. On the other hand, how did I not know this? If I’m supposed to be on top of pop culture, how did Barbie and Ken’s breakup fly under my pink radar?
Well apparently, toy maker Mattel is letting the fans decide if they should get back together:
Just in time for Valentine's Day!
Since they’ve broken up in 2004, these are a few of the people the iconic doll has been documented as dating:
- Blaine
*Not siblings
Alliteration is a popular device in poetry; it’s rarely regarded as all right in relationships. Blaine was introduced to the Barbie line of toys almost immediately after she and Ken broke up. Talk about moving fast. The Australian surfer was instantly popular, and Ken wasn’t even manufactured dropped off the grid for two years. A lot of people are crediting Barbie and Ken’s appearance in Toy Story 3 as the reason for the reignited romance… needless to say, Blaine has since fired his agent.
- He-Man
Master of the Universe... not his domain
After a bit of a blow-up with Blaine, Barbie was caught going on a few dates with the alter-ego of Prince Adam. The reason she cited for the short courtship:
Let’s just say every time he passed a mirror, he couldn’t help but touch his… Orko. He was a chronic Master of His Universe.
- Peter Venkman
Don't cross his stream.
Barbie was admittedly starstruck when she met the world-famous Ghostbuster. They only went on one date though, because he seemed haunted by his former lover, Dana Barrett. As all the celebrity tabloids perpetually pointed out, Dana dumped poor Peter for this guy:
Peter's been blue ever since...
- Willrow Hood
Busy running from danger, with his trusty ice cream maker
Barbie met Willrow Hood while vacationing at Bespin City. She really thought it could go somewhere, but nothing would ever come between him and his ice cream maker. After this trip, she was offered her role in Toy Story 3, so the rest, as they say, happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
(SIDENOTE: BTW, they’re back together.)
Happy New Year To New Movies Courtesy Of Old Movies!
File this one under “You’ve Probably Seen It Already,” but for me, I’ll never get sick of it. It’s an amazing testament to music and editing, and how much beauty can be found in even crappy movies.
You do realize Vampires Suck was one of the flicks included, right? (#116)
Enjoy it again – or hopefully for the first time!
Scary/Hairy Christmas!
Hopefully you haven’t seen either of these already, but if you have, I’ve included the gift receipt.
Something naughty:
Something nice (and a weird mix of funny and sad):
All I Want For Christmas Is… This Song To Really Be About What I Hope It’s About!
Mostly everyone nowadays knows Clarence Carter for his song, Strokin’. If the blind blues singer is known for anything else, it should be at least for the hook from his song, Backdoor Santa. Run-DMC “borrowed” the back beat for their better-known Christmas in Hollis, but here’s the original:
Awesome, right? It’s definitely sexual in nature, butt am I wrong to think it could be about a little something extra under the tree? I known the TripleDoubleU has been around for quite some time and my purest thoughts are no different from yellow snow, butt I don’t think I’m reading too much into these lyrics:
I’m your
Backdoor Santa
I make my run
At the break of day
“The break of day” is also known as “the crack of dawn.”
I ain’t like
Old Saint Nick
He don’t come
But once a year
That part is obviously sexual, and the concept was stolen by Pierce Brosnan’s James Bond. Here’s where it gets really interesting…
I kept that door open
In case anyone
Smelled a mouse
No comment.
All I Want For Christmas Is… To Live In Japan!
It’s not like there aren’t enough other reasons to live in Japan, but because things like Japanese Bug Fights exist, it continues to give me hope about one day opening an exotic animal battle center of my own!
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