And I thought People of Walmart was Tralfamodorian zoo-worthy. That’s probably because I live in Detroit, where we only have a People Mover* and not a subway.
"I can heat up the formula AFTER she drinks it, right?"
I am not a father. But after reading Places You Don’t Bring A Baby, I think I’m ready to be one. It’s an excellent guide for those uniformed about how to be a normal human being. You know… the type that doesn’t STICK THEIR KID IN A MICROWAVE or BRING A TODDLER TO A BACHELOR PARTY? These are just two examples. There are many more at the site.
BTW, heaven help us all…
"Man wears camouflage to hide from Child Services"
Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem. What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…
In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake
Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:
"I'm Rock Bottom."
Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One
My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes. We debuted them last week at my brother’s party. It was a blast. The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus. Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…
Musical Musings… How Do You Kill The Gill Man?
Is this a good song? No. But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)
Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?
PB Max... PB Twix... hmm...
I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990. It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday. (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later. You can do the math.)
Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone. A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candyC see).
Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings? The night’s supposed to be scary for kids. It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.
Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition
Boxing Match
(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)
For those of you uninitiated in the ways of the world wide web, ASCII (pronounced ass-KEE) stands for American Standard Code for Information Interchange.
BASICally, this encompasses all 95 printable characters on your keyboard. A term more commonly used in the early days of home computing, many pieces of arthave been created using ASCII (and summarily ink ribboned out through dot matrix printers and onto continuous sheets).
Until now, I have not witnessed a masterpiece like this:
Never upset a WOOCII...
Okay, the art is sub par, but the site is insane (click here). It’s (almost) the entire first film animated in ASCII! DOS it help erase the memory of the prequels? Not quite. But Rob Bricken of the awesomely nerdy Topless Robot has theories about what went wrong (or did everything go as planned?):
I’ll tell you my greatest nerd theory, which I’m still kind of proud of — regarding the midichlorians from Phantom Menace. Like all of you, I was aghast that the Force had suddenly turned into biology and racked my brain trying to explain it. And I did — I became convinced that (George) Lucas had put it in the movie to suck on purpose. I reasoned that Lucas was intentionally making these early Jedi shitty, to which I also ascribed Qui-Gon’s dickish refusal to un-enslave Anakin’s mom — and that Lucas was trying to tell us these Jedi had lost their way with the Force. They had turned it into a science, forbidden Jedi from loving. Had shitty committee meetings instead of doing good. They’d lost their way, and that’s why they could no longer sense the Dark Side when it was right under their fucking noses. So I figured by the third movie, there was going to be a major moment of revelation as the Jedi were getting destroyed, probably by Yoda, about how they’d screwed up, and in that sense, by destroying the corrupted Jedi, Anakin truly was bringing balance back to the Force. And when Luke restarted the Jedi order, he would embrace the spirituality and the compassion that the Prequel Jedi had forgotten, finishing the work.
Some people believe that the world is going to end December 21, 2012. I, on the other hand, think it already has. Why else would Taco Bell have gotten rid of chili cheese burritos? (NOTE: I considered innumerable options for this “joke,” but the truth is that I really really loved their chili cheese burritos…)
Anychuro, the new movie 2012 is going to be unleashed upon us well before then. Everyone that will see it will be seeing it because of the special effects, and not the actors or their acting. Don’t believe me? Here’s the trailer with all the destruction edited out:
BONUS VIDEO: A recut of the preview as if it was 70’s Grindhouse film. Enjoy.
BONUS PLEA: If anyone out there has any pull at Taco Bell, it would give me new hope to know that they might bring chili cheese burritos back. I mean, seriously, what did chili ever do to you, Taco Bell? You can have potatoes and bacon, and not chili? You can even have BellHedz and not chili?!
See, even these guys look upset you don't have chili cheese burritos anymore...
Tonight is the sixth season premiere of The Hills, and I hate to admit this but the show fascinates me.
It’s not like a car wreck or guilty pleasure kind of thing… The best analogy I can think of is that it’s hypnotic like a campfire.
You watch the flames move around without rhyme, reason, or purpose, sucking in the oxygen, destroying that from which it springs. When two logs strike each other, sparks fly. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy because you know you’re safe, and far from burning in the random pointlessness of the hot embers. You enjoy marshmallows on chocolate in between graham crackers.
And that’s the very essence that Late Night With Jimmy Fallon captures in their spoof series, 7th Floor West. So grab some mini marshmallows and a box of Teddy Grahams and click the image to link to the campyfire that is Jimmy Fallon’s 7th Floor West (all the episodes):
Jimmy and ZOMG! He's with Whitney Port from "The City"!
Well, I don’t know exactly what pop culture activity in America spurned this, but considering the hip hop, the sunglasses, and the kicking of burgers, we obviously inspired it:
BONUS: If you haven’t seen this yet, you must still be on dial-up and rabbit ears:
I’m a fan of Kurt Vonnegut’s works (I would declare huge fan, but I’ve read less than a handful of his books… oops!), but as I recall in Slaughterhouse-Five, there was a zoo on Tralfamadore that housed Earthlings.
ATTENTION ALL TRALFAMADORIANS!
If you want some fine specimen for your collection, search no further than any local Walmart. If you require samples, check out the menagerie of folks (and their vehicles) at the website People Of Walmart.
And while you’re at Walmart, bathroom cleaning supplies are in aisle five… in case you wanna build a sex toy or something…
Okay, I hate to have to subject y’all to another Happy Find so fast, but this is truly a sooper-dooper-mega-wega-Happy-Wappy-Find, um, -Mind…
That having been said, allow me to introduce to a collection of the most annoying ‘rents in the world on… drum roll please… you can’t?… okay, never mind…
(For those of you uninitiated, and most likely it’s the parents that end up on the site, STFU = Shut The Fuck Up, thus adding it to my list of fucking Happy Finds.)
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