Food

Musical Musings… My Favorite Lonely At The Bar Songs (Not That I Ever Go To The Bar Alone)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was really trying to buy more time to think of more songs like these, but I needed to share what I have now.  I’ll add more later one day, but these are the songs that make me feel like:

  1. I’m sitting alone at a bar
  2. on a rainy day
  3. feeling introspective
  4. not in a self-loathing type of way
  5. but in a how did I get here and where do I go next type of way
  6. and there’s a band playing one of these songs
  7. regardless of the song’s content
  8. and nobody’s really listening
  9. except me
  • Bob Seger’s Mainstreet
  • The Jeff Healey Band’s Angel Eyes
  • Billy Vera and the Beater’s At This Moment
  • Dan Fogelberg’s Same Old Lang’s Syne

That’s enough of me being cheesy today.  You’re probably thinking:

Thank Gouda…

Worth 1002 Words… Fast Food America Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Good gravy.

Hey Marshmallow Treats, what do you think about that?

Yikes, peep!

Awful Battle… These Commercials Can’t Be Real (Or Can They?)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is really one of the weirdest groupings of commercials I’ve ever seen.

This first one doesn’t seem like a real ad on TV, but oh yes – it is:

Does this one feature Legos?  Legos?!  Who’s watching this?!

This one might (?) be (?) racist (?), but the scariest thing is the concept of a communal chocolate fondue…

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… What A Tees

Posted on by sgottahurt

This post is an imaginary post that I might have written in the 90’s.  Hence the monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK, minus the monkeys…

T-shirts are definition in cloth form.  They’re not only brand labels, but personality labels.

When I wore Rude Dog shirts, I wanted to be seen as a Rude Dog:

I was usually more in the mood to be annoying.

When I wanted to be as bad as Bart Simpson, I’d get out my slingshot and this shirt:

Somebody ate my shorts.

When I wanted people to think I was stuck up and well-traveled (and well fed), I’d wear something from my Hard Rock Cafe collection:

(Insert city name above... and Ray-Bans)

And then there was one shirt I always considered wearing because they were punny, but never did because they were, well, you be the judge:

Additional phrase: "Something-something-something up-stares."

Hibbidy-Wah?! Pink Slime, Bugs In Coffee, And Now This!

Posted on by sgottahurt

By now, everyone’s heard about pink slime.  boring.  (It’s so boring I didn’t even feel like capitalizing the B.)

And you may or may not have heard that a bug called the Polish cochineal (insert joke here)is used as a food and drink color dye called carmine.  The bug looks like this:

The drawing is easier to stomach... so to speak.

The big reveal was that Starbucks (heavens!) was using the dead beetle dye to color one of their strawberry drinks.

I told you so.

So what’s the next thing that’s going to shock us?  It’d have to be big.  Big like finding out Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, who have been happily married for 23 years, are – I don’t know – related.

They are "The Closer" than they thought. (<----Much better than a "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" joke.)

Drunken Recollection… Condiment Machines Full Of

Posted on by sgottahurt

Let’s face it.  Pick-up lines suck.  I recently asked a waitress at one of the gang’s usual spots what she thought of them.  My friend had a poor one that involved a vulgar nickname, whereas I tested the classic stolen by the movie Hall Pass:

How much does a polar bear weigh?  Enough to break the ice.

Cheesy as hell?  Yes.  Good?  Not really… but it’s nowhere near offensive is my point.

At this point, the waitress shared what she thought was a cute pick-up line.  I don’t know if it happened to her, and if it did, whether it worked, but here it goes… a guy hurries up to a girl holding something in his hand, and he says:

You dropped your name tag.

And he gives her this:

 

Stunned, we were.  (Talked like Yoda, we didn’t.)  Once she walked away, and the spirited conversation began.

Here are some alternates (WARNING! BY DEFAULT, THEY ARE NOT GOOD!):

SAY:

I did this to my courage to talk to you.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I’m glad I was able to do this to you.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I’ll do this to the time we spend together.

HAND OVER:

SAY:

I view you as this.

HAND OVER:

(SIDENOTE: This was our favorite from the night.)

SAY WHILE HANDING OVER:

ACCEPTABLE FOLLOW-UP ITEM TO HAND OVER AS YOUR RESPONSE:

UNACCEPTABLE FOLLOW-UP ITEM TO HAND OVER AS YOUR RESPONSE:

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? L.I.B.E.R.A.L. Borrowing (Strikes Again!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s been awhile since I’ve had to combat liberal borrowing.  (Definition here.)  But this one goes deeper than you’d think (that’s not a preview pun)…

Have you ever heard of this song by João Brasil (featuring Lovefoxxx)?

As you have seen/heard, it’s called L.O.V.E. Banana.  Sound familiar?  (This post might even give you déjà vu.)

Madonna one-ups João Brasil by featuring two additional singers (I guess she two-ups him) – Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. (whom the kids nowadays L.U.V.)…

Anychiquita, did João Brasil find his inspiration somewhere else?

So did it happen on accident (Coinkydink?) or on purpose (Coinkydonk?)…

Either way, that shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

JusWondering… Why Do I Hate These Commercials So?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Luckily, I have a DVR.  But sometimes, I catch commercials anyway.  These two drive me up the wall when I see them.  I’ll try to explain why in a minute:

Wanna know the simplest reason?  They’re not marketed to me.  Not in the slightest.

The Citi Thank You Premier credit card spot called Accessories plays up the angle that women usually buy things like belts, nylons, and shoes… except in this case, these “accessories” are climbing gear.  And the “rock” she wants isn’t in a ring – it’s in a canyon.  You might think the unconventional lady stuff is what annoys me, but it’s not.  It’s the rock climbing!  I don’t see the purpose!  She gets to the top, and then what?  You climb back down?  No Thank You, Citi.

As for the iPhone campaign, sometimes they hit.  This teen-targeted one is a miss.  To begin, I hate Siri.  She’s virtual and virtually useless.  To continue, when the kid says “I got to get a guitar,” Siri pulls up this screen:

First surprise - Siri worked?!

Where in the world are there twelve musical stores that close to you?!  Call this one rock bottom.

(SIDENOTE: Here’s a crazy Reese’s Pieces advertisement in the style of crazy Skittles commercials that erases the above two migraine-inducers…)

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Diva Diets

Posted on by sgottahurt

Here’s a riddle:

Which came first?  The diva or the diet?

It’s pretty weird that Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, and Janet Jackson all happen to be in ads for Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and NutriSystem respectively.  I wonder which one inspired the remainder of the campaigns (Coinkydonk), or did they all happen to happen at the same time (Coinkydink)?

(SIDENOTE: It’s no Coinkydink that Mariah’s is the most annoying commercial of all time.)

BUT WAIT!  These musical divas aren’t the only ones chiming in.

You also have Charles Barkley (for Weight Watchers) and Terry Bradshaw (for NutriSystem):

The only riddle that remains:

When will this athlete do ads for Jenny Craig?

That's called a (calorie) burn, Tom Brady.

JusWondering… Might I Drive To Ohio For This?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve dreamed of this day.  I mean it, I’ve literally dreamed of this day.  And did I call when it would roll out or what?  I’m going all caps (and bold and underline and centered) for this.

TACO BELL 

WILL BE SERVING BREAKFAST

IN 800 LOCATIONS!

Does that come in a Big Box or as a Meal Deal, please?

I can’t believe the day is just about here…

The only problem I see is that it’s not happening here… in Michigan.

I can’t say that I won’t be driving to Toledo as soon as I find out if they’re already serving it there.

I’ve already contemplated driving back to Kentucky for some chili cheese burritos…

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