This dream happened to be a spanning, time looping dream à la Timecrimes, an interesting if not perfect Spanish film involving, um, time looping.
I was on a college campus trying to kill my other selves, contemplating the dynamics of it. Am I the proper incarnation? Can all the versions coexist? Am I committing suicide if I exterminate an alternate me? (Heavy stuff for a sleeping noggin.)
Anyexistentialism, the entire episode finished at the student center bookstore which had a McDonald’s in it. The banner above the Golden Arches read, “Now serving Subway subs and Pepsi Golden!”
I was excited to order a Pepsi Golden, thinking it was beer. It was just yellow Pepsi.
And in case you were wondering what it tasted like – carbonated cake batter.
DREAM INGREDIENTS: Back-to-back soccer games… and four pints of Guinness
Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem. What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…
In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake
Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:
"I'm Rock Bottom."
Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One
My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes. We debuted them last week at my brother’s party. It was a blast. The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus. Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…
Musical Musings… How Do You Kill The Gill Man?
Is this a good song? No. But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)
Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?
PB Max... PB Twix... hmm...
I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990. It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday. (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later. You can do the math.)
Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone. A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candyC see).
Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings? The night’s supposed to be scary for kids. It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.
Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition
Boxing Match
(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)
This post was originally going to be about my investigation into the ripping off of Bruce Hornsby (and the Range)’s Mandolin Rain (or is it Tupac’s Changes?) in Proactiv Acne Solutions’ commercials, but then I stumbled onto a greater conspiracy.
What do these young ladies’ have in common?
LiLo, KelCla, JeLoHew
They had stellar careers, booming out of nowhere, sky’s-the-limit…
Then they did Proactiv commercials.
How have they fared since?
LayLow - Kelly Clark Bar - Mrs. Jamie Kennedy?!
(SIDENOTE: You may have noticed Jessica Simpson was also in their commercials, but did she really ever have a career?)
My biggest concern of late is this cutie:
Julianne Hough of "Dancing With My Heart"
She’s been in Proactiv commercials, and although she’s well-known (?) amongst Dancing with the Stars, country music, and Juicy Fruit fans, I hope to see more from her in the entertainment world.
Ultimately, this comes down to whether or not I’m reading into this (Coinkydink) or I’m onto something (Coinkydonk).
Apparently, I’m a thirteen year old girl. Why else would I have a dream about princesses? Well, I could understand why I’d have a dream about princesses, but this dream… well, here it goes:
There were two Disney-esque princesses – Pink Dress and Light Blue Dress.
They were best friends since the were children, and they somehow lived in the same kingdom. So maybe they weren’t both princesses, but I digress.
In their teen years, a rift grew betwixt them (like that verbiage?), and Pink was banished. Light Blue ruled alone.
Pink went away and learned the art of telekinesis*.
When she returned to reclaim her position in the kingdom, she used her new power to easily make her way to Light Blue.
In the time Pink was gone, Light Blue had built up an army – an army of heavily armed soldiers. I’m talking like SWAT team style.
Pink stood before Light Blue, ready to make peace or make pieces (you see, she had a sword… I should have mentioned that).
The soldiers surrounded Pink, ready to fire.
Light Blue mocked Pink, stating the futility of her efforts. She wondered aloud if Pink could stop an onslaught of bullets…
Without hesitation, Pink used her telekinesis* to spin the soldiers to face each other and fire. They dropped like flies.
And I woke up. At least the princesses were bad asses…
*(What’s the difference between telekinesis and telepathy? Oh! Thanks Wikipedia!)
INGREDIENTS: A Tigers win (sniff), a Lions loss (eh), lotsa beer, a couple of burnt hot dogs, and 12 hours sleep.
If you happen to Google Image Search "Princess Peach" or "Princess Toadstool," please enable SafeSearch. You've been warned.
Some people believe that the world is going to end December 21, 2012. I, on the other hand, think it already has. Why else would Taco Bell have gotten rid of chili cheese burritos? (NOTE: I considered innumerable options for this “joke,” but the truth is that I really really loved their chili cheese burritos…)
Anychuro, the new movie 2012 is going to be unleashed upon us well before then. Everyone that will see it will be seeing it because of the special effects, and not the actors or their acting. Don’t believe me? Here’s the trailer with all the destruction edited out:
BONUS VIDEO: A recut of the preview as if it was 70’s Grindhouse film. Enjoy.
BONUS PLEA: If anyone out there has any pull at Taco Bell, it would give me new hope to know that they might bring chili cheese burritos back. I mean, seriously, what did chili ever do to you, Taco Bell? You can have potatoes and bacon, and not chili? You can even have BellHedz and not chili?!
See, even these guys look upset you don't have chili cheese burritos anymore...
By merely typing “what a” on the Google search line, the following list springs up:
First off, in regard to the depth and breadth of the selections: awesome.
That these are the most common searches (swine flu symptoms – twice, primary colors, Michael Jackson’s kids’ names, and hemroids [sic]) speaks volumes about Google users. But Number One with a Bullet is what my quest will be about.
what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for fruit salad
So further down the rabbit hole I go, because I don’t believe this book really exists. Of course, I’m basing that opinion solely on the following Amazon customer reviews:
I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa! – M. Thompson
I had hoped this would have advise for handling situations where one finds strawberries on various parts of their anatomy. I’ve had strawberries on my buttocks for some time now and don’t know what to do. Unfortunately this book focuses solely on the nipples. Hopefully the author will pen a followup. – Nathan Kemp
This was a good read. Very informative. However I would also like to know what the Honeybaked ham is doing on my navel. – M. Houston
Since I was already down the rabbit hole, I decided to walk through the looking glass, and I found this:
(Vanessa Feltz) often specialised in sex advice, writing for the magazine Men Only, and her sex tips for girls book called “What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!”
It’s on Wikipedia, so it must be true! And see how specialised has been specialized? It has an “S” in it instead of a “Z” because she’s British! This post was written by someone across the pond, and surely they wouldn’t lie! I’ll even double-check the citation!
Upon purchasing it I was dubious, but a quick scan of the first page and I was enlightened in a way that Tibetan monks train a lifetime to achieve. She tells you the whats, whys and hows of having strawberries attached to ones nipples when trying to create a delicious meal… A must have for anyone currently alive or dead… Thanks again Vanessa, you’re a literary genius and possibly the greatest asset mankind has ever had. – sert
Tonight is the sixth season premiere of The Hills, and I hate to admit this but the show fascinates me.
It’s not like a car wreck or guilty pleasure kind of thing… The best analogy I can think of is that it’s hypnotic like a campfire.
You watch the flames move around without rhyme, reason, or purpose, sucking in the oxygen, destroying that from which it springs. When two logs strike each other, sparks fly. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy because you know you’re safe, and far from burning in the random pointlessness of the hot embers. You enjoy marshmallows on chocolate in between graham crackers.
And that’s the very essence that Late Night With Jimmy Fallon captures in their spoof series, 7th Floor West. So grab some mini marshmallows and a box of Teddy Grahams and click the image to link to the campyfire that is Jimmy Fallon’s 7th Floor West (all the episodes):
Jimmy and ZOMG! He's with Whitney Port from "The City"!
Anyzaxxon, when I was a kid, the arcade games were really what it was all about. Paperboy, Tron, watching somebody else play Dragon’s Lair. These are where my memories truly remain.
So imagine my surprise (I think this is my catch phrase for all my InASense, Lost posts) when I visited Chuck E. Cheese after a long hiatus (it was my friends’ offspring’s first birthday), and this was their game selection?
It's a virtual jump rope game. And my fantasy?
The joystick placement made me feel uncomfortable. As did the Hungry Dragon's face.
"Canning Master" makes me think of "sodomy." As does "Mr. Brown."
Nothing too bad, I guess. But again with the fantasy?
For whatever reason, prior to his reappearance in the news, I had a dream that was hanging out with Brody Jenner (do I credit him as the son of Bruce Jenner, the step-brother of Kim Kardashian, or a cast member of The Hills?), but not in a Bromance sort of way, though.
As a self-described ladies’ man (I have no proof he claims this, but I have no doubt he claims this), he was acting as my dating guru. His advice:
Repeat what you do every hour.
Apparently, when you take a girl on a date, just perform a variation of your actions every hour. It was like a Philip K. Dick theory about time loops sort of thing. Believe me, the suggestion made sense in the dream, and it still carries a resonance in my noggin that’s difficult to convey.
Maybe it’s like true knowledge, in the sense that it must be learned and not taught.
Or maybe Brody Jenner can visit you in your dreams, in whatever capacity you prefer…
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 
