Film

Drunken Recollection… More Or Less Than Jake

Posted on by sgottahurt

Let me begin with this: last night I saw Less Than Jake in concert at St. Andrew’s Hall in Detroit, and I.  Had.  A.  Blast.

It was quite possibly one of the best concerts I’ve been to in a long time, and I’m pretty sure it can be attributed to going with my brother, Scott, and my cousin, Steve, the fact that I’ve been a fan of LTJ since their Losing Streak album came out in 1996, and lots and lots of draft beer.

I swore to try to remember as much of the highlights as possible.  So here I go:

  • We started at the casino.  Scott and Steve had been drinking prior to, and I was playing catch-up (I think Steve was playing mustard).  Scott was recounting how at one concert he was hit in the head with a full water bottle and got knocked out for a bit.  This will play out later.
  • Having only one phone between us, we decided we should make our way to the show so as not to miss LTJ.  We got there in time to see the Flatliners (not the Julia Roberts/Kiefer Sutherland pic).  We were glad not to miss any of the main act, but we wished we could have gambled more.  Especially once I realized they had Star Wars penny slots.  May the force be with the 30-line spin!
  • We laughed at a woman wearing Mom Jeans and her man that looked like Tom Cruise circa The Firm.  Steve would end up befriending them and giving them high fives later, but still…
  • I thought of a pickup line.  Then I thought it might work as a pickup line to ask if the pickup line would work as a pickup line.  I was going to ask one girl but her man came back.  So I turned to another girl who was way too crossed-eyed to be so snotty in my opinion, and I said, “I heard your brother’s the drummer in the band.”  Her response, “If my brother was in the band, I’d be backstage, duh.  But nice try on the pickup line.”  Steve returned from the restroom or a beer run, and he heard the ending.  He thought I asked about the line, but I informed him that I just used it as is.
  • A gaggle of older dudes (my age) started moshing at the back during the second opening act, which was the more more accessible band called the Expendables.  One dude bumped me more than once which caused me to spill beer on Scott’s phone.  I turned to face them and the dude’s friend apologized.  What I said to appease him, I want to put on t-shirts:

Like this but better... not much better, though.
Like this, but better… not much better, though.
  • Also, the dude that made me spill my beer wanted to get punched in the face… he told me so.  I said I would, but he had to punch me too, kinda like a Rocky/Apollo Creed freeze frame kind of thing.  His friend told us to wait until after the concert.  I agreed.
  • Once LTJ started, the mosh pit was incredible.  Being one of the taller guys, I’m usually asked to lift people to body surf, but not as many people were willing to for some reason.  At the end of the regular show, I decided to go.  The bouncer that flipped me over told me I was too big to be doing this.  I agreed.
  • When the encore was in full swing, some of the kids that helped me up before wanted me to do it again.  I told them I was yelled at last time, which only spurned them on more.  So I went up again, and the bouncer repeated the fact that I was too big to be doing this.  If I did it again, I was going to get kicked out.  I didn’t go back by those other kids again.
  • It was about this time that Steve was high-fiving Tom Cruise and Mom Jeans.  Scott had been hit in the head, but by something other than a water bottle.  This little kid appeared out of nowhere as the main floor cleared, and he was picking up who-knows-what off the floor.  I saw the friends of the dude I was supposed to punch, but they lost him.  They informed me that if I saw him, I should swing for his right eye, because his left eye was already bruised.  I agreed.
  • Scott was going to sleep in the car while Steve and I would gamble more.  We parted ways at the garage.  As we were wandering around in the casino, we ran into Scott.  He couldn’t find the car.  It was amazing to stumble across each other because only Scott had a phone.  Lucky!
  • I lost ten bucks in the Star Wars penny slots.  I would have only lost five, but a woman asked me to watch her spot so she could run to the restroom.  I only had thirty cents left, so I threw in another five.  More or Less Than Jake, it was a good night.

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Rise Of Cobra (Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter)

Posted on by sgottahurt

In one of my dreams last night, I watched/participated in the new G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie.

It began rather inoccuously, meaning it didn’t seem at all like G.I. Joe.  There was a compound and the team was being built.  It was comprised of a bunch of your movie stereotypes (which I won’t go into because it doesn’t bode well for my subconscious).  I remember a moment where a group of us were in a steel-decor room and cardboard boxes full of ammo rested on the center table.  The captain or general or secretary (I don’t recall) said “Go!” and everyone lunged for the weapons like they were candy, stuffing grenades, guns, and dynamite in their pockets.

I wore a jacket comparable to this one (based on my real-life coat, also from American Eagle):

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

I also think that the compound was somehow connected to a resort, like in the old episodes of Get Smart.  The reason I bring this up is because at one point, after a member of my team falls through a concealed trap door, in searching for him, we fall through a similar hinged entrance.

We end up trapped with our fallen friend in a room on the resort side.  The windows are shatter-proof and there are no doors.  We can’t escape.  Then through the windows, we see a couple that I apparently met earlier.  They open the window from a latch outside, but they won’t let us out unless we can name who’s singing the song coming from their bedroom TV next door.

Right away, I know who it is: Shania Twain, and she’s doing a duet with Eurotrash superstar (?) Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw… (I don’t know exactly – it was some weird dream name).

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

The couple let us out, and I ran to the TV because it was one of my favorite videos.  This guy was singing the duet with Shania:

Actor: Peter Stormare!
Actor: Peter Stormare!

Anyyojoe… my team ends up getting shipped out to do battle with Cobra, and it’s at this point that I realize I watching/participating in the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie and I’m pissed!  It took this long to get to any battles?! 

There was a car chase that lead to a field with way too many chain link fences.  Bullets!  Bombs!  Explosions!

I was about to get captured/killed when I realized I had one of those hypersuits (whatever the fuck they’re wearing in this preview), and I started leaping and hopping about, between crater blasts and flimsy fences.  Something trips me and I land at the feet of a guy dressed like this:

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

As I struggle to get to my feet, he removes his mask, and lo!  Who is it?

Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw…

I walked out of the movie/woke up because I thought it was stupid.

INGREDIENTS: Working 13 hours (and until 1am), 2 Cheesy Double Beef Burritos, 1 24oz. bottle of none other than Mt. Dew

Happy Find… F— You, Penguin

Posted on by sgottahurt

If I was Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry, and I said to someone, “Go ahead… make my day,” and they pulled out their mobile phone with TripleDoubleU access (carefully) to show me this site, I’d let them go (y’know, because they made my day).

The site?  Fuck You, Penguin.  The reason why?  See below.

Now I know it’s from another blogging community, and believe me, I’m not cheating on you my beloved WordPress.  But I believe it is part of my duty to go out and explore, and return like Uncle Traveling Matt with news of my discoveries.  It’s similar to how Detroit has better access to Canadian music, then shares it with the rest of the U.S.  (As a Canadian may say, “Sore-y aboot Nickelback, eh?“)

SIDENOTE: On St. Patrick’s Day, the radio station Mix 96.7 was giving away an Elmo DVD to the first caller that could name the biggest movie star to ever come out of Ireland.  Two people in row answered Mel Gibson.  (There’s so many things wrong in just two sentences.)

But I digress… back to Fuck You, Penguin.  (Not to be confused with my other Happy Find, Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling!)

Some samples:

In regard to this, the Baudet de Poitou Donkey, and there only being four hundred of them, FUP said:

baudet-donkey

"You better find a mate and start knocking boots, Donkey, so you can start sprouting up like American Apparels. I don't understand how you can be such prudes, seeing as you are French. What, are you saving yourself for the right donkey?"

 Then there’s his tirade at a Porcupine in a tree:

"Very clever, Porcupine. You want me to catch you, don't you? You might have cute little teeth and a furry belly, but you've got giant quills all over your back, and if I come any closer, I'm going to be in a world of pain unmatched even by what your little porcupine paws are doing to me."
“Very clever, Porcupine. You want me to catch you, don’t you? You might have cute little teeth and a furry belly, but you’ve got giant quills all over your back, and if I come any closer, I’m going to be in a world of pain unmatched even by what your little porcupine paws are doing to me.”

I think the stuff is funny as shit poop.  (Ever notice how most words double-o’s are funny for some reason?  Poop, boobs, food… okay maybe just poop and boobs).  You may not.  And if you don’t, I’ll just call you a penguin.

JusWondering… Is Josh Groban Cool?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This has been something creeping in the back of my mind for awhile now.  I mean, if you have a voice like he does, you have to use it in the genre it works best (makes you shitloads of money earns you a living).  But ever since his appearance in Jimmy Kimmel’s “I’m F’n Ben Affleck,” the case study has been building.

EXHIBIT A – “I’m F’n Ben Affleck”

This is a TripleDoubleU phenom and a played out meme, but as a refresher, check out the 7:40 mark:

EXHIBIT B – “2008 Emmy TV Theme Song Medley”

By no means or stretch of the imagination is any of this good.  But the fact that he willingly participated in it speaks volumes (to me at least).  I’d like to think he knew those theme songs by heart before this idea was ever a twinkle sty in anyone’s eye:

XZIBIT C – “You Don’t Know Me” by Ben Folds and Regina Spektor

Directed by the awesome Tim and Eric (of “Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show, Great Job!“), Josh Groban makes a guest appearance twice in Ben Folds‘ video, while for some reason, Regina Spektor does not.  Check him out at the 2:46 and 3:07 marks:

In closing, you’ll have to judge whether Josh Groban is cool or not, but based on the above samples, I think he is cool. 

If you want to judge my judging, I used to think this was cool:

In My Brain While Sleeping… Housecleaning Pucks And Hamburger Docs

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had to verify what my subconscious created in this doozy of a dream, because in another one, my subconscious got it completely all wrong.  It works in the second dream because it makes it kinda funny.  But the fact that I knew a certain fact in the first one so matter-of-, um, -factly kinda impresses me (humility is soooo overrated).

DREAM SCENARIO ONE

I was playing hockey.  It wasn’t a professional game, but professionals were there.  (This entire dream happened out of guilt for skipping pick-up hockey last night.  In my defense, two friends were not going… I just hope they had enough people… curse you guilt!)  Anyhattrick, one of the pros approached me at the end and said, “I heard your house could use a good spring cleaning.”  I told him, “Yeah, it could,” and then wondered who he’d been talking to.  That’s when he dropped this deal, “I’d do it.  For five bucks.”  How could I resist?  So I handed him five bucks and made arrangements, not even thinking he could be scamming me for five bucks.  And he showed up!  To clean!  The player in question:

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

Martin Brodeur, goalkeeper for the New Jersey Devils.  I didn’t know I knew him, or his position, or that he was Canadian, yet my subconscious did (I’m not 100% on whether I knew he was a Devil, but I want to say he was wearing their color scheme).  In double-checking my brain, some tidbits I learned about him:

  • He’s played for the New Jersey Devils his entire NHL career. (I like franchise guys, and the NHL is full of them.)
  • He’s three shutouts short of breaking Detroit Red Wing Terry Sawchuck’s record of 103 games. (FYI – Sawchuck’s mask was the basis for Jason’s mask in Friday the 13th.)
  • He holds the second place record (behind Patrick Roy) for the most wins, which he’ll inevitably pass provided he stays healthy.
  • He holds the record for the most wins in a regular season (48, in 2006-7).
  • He’s the only NHL goalie to score a game winning goal.

There are many more.  And I might have to add that I could be a fan now.  What?  Don’t look at me like that.  I’m not saying I like him better than my beloved Red Wings… well, maybe Chris Osgood if he doesn’t start picking up.

DREAM SCENARIO TWO

I was eating at a McDonald’s (like I often do?) when a commotion started at the register.  The friends with me initially ignored it, but when the buzz of excitement started spreading, people were rushing to the front counter.  I overheard a girl say, “The stars of Top Gun are here doing a promotion!”  So the group I was with got mixed up in the glee and followed.  I distinctly remember not even thinking Tom Cruise would be there.  I knew it would be Iceman (Val Kilmer) and Goose (Anthony Edwards).  Turned out the rumors were wrong.  Instead of getting this duo:

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I got this duo:

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

 Except they looked like this:

Uh... yeah...

Uh... yeah...

 Of course, everyone was excited to see George Clooney, and under normal circumstances I would have been, too.  But Anthony Edwards?  How often is he out in public?  This was my chance to pitch a script in which he would have the starring role.  The script entitled “Continuum” was based on a dream I once had that featured Anthony Edwards (how meta).  I told it to him while Clooney took orders from dining room patrons, but I figured he was listening to our conversation and would possibly produce/direct the film.  The only catch – the script wasn’t written.  Edwards would be in town for two more days, so I’d have to write it in that time.  That’s when Clooney chimed in, “It could be the greatest script of all time… or the crappiest.”  (I knew he was eavesdropping!)

And that was that.  To sum up: Martin Brodeur cleaned my house for five bucks, and I had two days to write a script for Anthony Edwards to star in.  I have no idea what any of that means.

Drunken Recollection… Dressed To Kill (This Is A Funny Title… Trust Me)*

Posted on by sgottahurt

At night at the bar does not always provide teachings, but last night, I learned two things:

  1. Sometimes, to get the girl, a guy’s gotta wear a zip-up fleece and corduroy khakis.  I’m not a zip-up fleece and corduroy khaki kinda guy, so I would never get the pointy shoe and $100 blue jeans girl – not that I would want to.  Introduce me to the girl in Target jeans and Keds anytime.
  2. Is this not possibly one of the greatest movies of all time?! 
    I just ordered it on DVD, so I’ll be sure to let you know.  Brian DePalma made this in 1974, a year before Sisters and two before Carrie.  It played on a background TV out of earshot, behind the couple from Hell Hell Bean.  I’m still not sure which display was more frightening.

*check out #18 on this list

Acting Chops Or Chopping Block?

Posted on by sgottahurt

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently decided to try out for a play. 

The play: The Wizard of Oz. 

The part: The Wizard. 

The reason: my brother tried out and said they haven’t found the Wizard they were looking for yet (he auditioned for the Cowardly Lion and got the Tin Man), and he told me to give it a go. 

The real reason: I wanted to say the play was all about me.

I am by not even by the slightest degree a thespian.  My sibs, fam, friends, and I used to make all kinds of stupid skit videos (which I’ve planned on putting up on YouTube for awhile now… I’ll keep you posted), but I rarely made appearances in them.  I let everyone else do all the bad-acting heavy lifting. 

In college, when my sister Becky was an assistant director for I Hate Hamlet, I skipped out of French 3 early to audition for the role of the greasy agent.  My reason at that time was that I looked like a greasy agent with my bushy goatee and a pony tail down to the middle of my back.  Gross.  (That’s the result of twelve years of Catholic education, I guess.)  I never tried it before or since – the pony tail OR the acting.

So anywiz, back the recent attempt.  I was 100% on the fence about whether I wanted to be in the play or not (or is that 50/50?).  It would interrupt my drinking plans, but it would also have given me (hopefully) great blogging stories.  (This one kind of sucks so far, so maybe it wouldn’t have.  But then again, it is community theater.)

Here’s the rundown of the night’s highlights:

  • When I received the pages I was supposed to read right off the bat, I didn’t see the Wizard’s lines anywhere.  “Who am I reading?” I asked someone else.  Apparently, the Wizard’s real-life version is Professor Marvel.
  • I realized I should have watched the movie, since I’ve never seen it in its entirety.  Oops!
  • I’m a competitive person when it comes to certain things, which is possibly everything, because I sure didn’t expect it to happen at an audition.  I was out for blood against the other old, wizardy dude going for my part.  Where are flying monkeys when you need them?
  • I learned you should try to act when you’re trying out for a part, instead of just reading lines.  No one told me that.
  • They also had me try out for Dorothy’s uncle, Henry Gale.  I didn’t really want the part, but I justified it because that was Ben Linus’ original alias on “Lost.”  Nerd!
  • I discovered that improv kills.  When I had my second shot at the Wizard, it was the part of the movie play that I knew.  The line reading went something like: “I am the Great and Powerful Oz!  Who are you?  Who are you?  Who are you?  Who are you?”  The first time I read it, I thought the repetition was lame, so during my second attempt, I turned the third one into a quick, “Srsly, who r u?”  Everyone lost it.  I just hoped the old dude who was playing the Wizard as scary lost his chance (I opted for a booming voice).

I felt confident upon leaving, and then later realized I was planning on being in Seattle during the show’s opening weekend.  They asked for conflicts prior to the auditions, but I was trying out on a lark so I hadn’t remembered.  Luckily, I was only offered the role of the Oz Doorman, which I politely turned down (after thanking them for the shot).  My brother was hoping I would have taken the part since that was his very first role in any play, but Seattle La Vie!

SIDENOTE: I probably would have cancelled the trip for Henry Gale.

Me trying out for the role of the agent in "I Hate Hamlet."

Me trying out for the role of the agent in "I Hate Hamlet."

Drunken Recollection… Bible Thumping, Veggie Trumping, And Movie Pumping

Posted on by sgottahurt

Some of the conversations the crew and I have had over brews lately make me feel like I should be running my sister’s sister-site, SomethingKnew.  On her page, she goes over all the new things she learns every day – mine are things I learn over every beer.

  • Which Testament of the Bible has more books (at least according to what us Roamin’ Catholics were taught)?  We honestly had no idea, but courtesy of the TripleDoubleU on my new iPhone, there are 46 books in the Old Testament vs. 27 books in the New Testament.  The number I have heard of from both?  Maybe 30 (I didn’t feel like counting).  The number I have read?  Zero.
  • Carotene is found in carrots.  Carotene?  Carrots!  Is there bananatene in bananas?  Does Ovaltine come from ovals (sorry about the Seinfeld rip)?  Perhaps teenatene is what causes youngsters to turn emo (because it’s like the stuff in onions that makes you cry)?  Okay, I’m done.

    Teenatene was first discovered by German scientists.

    Teenatene was first discovered by German scientists.

  • What is the longest running film series?  I didn’t want to include James Bond because I figured it was automatically the longest at 22 films.  Research lead me to this: a lot people argue about this.  Some consider the length to start from the first in the series; some count every incarnation.  Many webheads reference different foreign film series that are unknown to me, so I’ve decided the second longest series is this:
    Part 14 will be "roaring" into stores this year.
    Part 14 will be “roaring” into stores this year.

    And the third longest is this:

    Part 10 will be "pulling your strings" soon!
    Part 10 will be “pulling your strings” soon!

    (Friday the 13th could be argued for hitting 12 films, but that series is dead to me.)

Musical Musings… Happy Birthday “Voices That Care!”

Posted on by sgottahurt

Remember this?

Well, actually yesterday was the 18th birthday of the song Voices That Care, and it is quite the time capsule.  Made originally to raise money for the Red Cross during Operation Desert Storm, it has now, well, let’s reflect on the highlights:

  • Gotta love the flag opening.  Reminds me of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crap.  Unfortunately.
  • Celine Dion was just a baby.  I wonder if her creepy-old-manager/husband-to-be was tapping that yet.  (Also, she has kind of that Amy Grant vibe going.  Much better than the future Vegas chest thumping.)
  • Peter Cetera!  Why isn’t he making music anymore?  Am I the only one that wonders where he went?  (Maybe he’s hanging out with Steve Perry.)
  • See Bobby Brown.  See Bobby Brown sing.  See Bobby Brown not get high and smack a ho.
  • Is that dude in the cowboy hat from Warrant?  Yes.  Yes, he is.
  • Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson’s singing voices mesh perfectly with Luther Vandross.  (Actually, all the sports stars have wonderful pipes.)
  • Who’s singing with Garth Brooks – Amy Grant or Celine Dion?  Was hair really that big back then?
  • BONUS: More Warrant!  Nope.  It’s just Nelson.  Why is everyone wearing cowboy hats, yet Garth Brooks did not (a true rarity)?
  • Michael Bolton was pretty good in Office Space, doncha think?
  • Will Smith even got to rap.  That tickles my soul.  Isn’t it weird he got his start “rapping,” but now it seems weird to see him rap?
  • One good thing about the arrival of CGI – no more neon coloring on B&W footage (hopefully).
  • The Chorus.  You gotta love the Chorus.  I can’t even begin to dive into the Chorus.  All I have to say is this: Michelle Pfeiffer AND Jon Lovitz.  No?  Fred Savage AND Meryl Streep?  Not enough?  Gary Busey AND Chevy Chase?  Yes.  That awesome. 
  • Wait was Mike Tyson’s arm around Debbie Gibson?  (She was my first concert – at the Sea World in Orlando.)

In my research, I stumbled on this must-see Where Are They Now video.  Check it out.

InASense, Lost… No To Boobs, But Blood’s Okay?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for awhile.  When I recently went to the theater to see the wretched Friday the 13th remake/revision/re-fried beans, there was a father behind me with his 8-10 year old son.  I had a major ass-id flashback when I overheard him telling his son, “Cover your eyes!” whenever nudity was shown.

“Cover your eyes!”  The adage of the forbidden.  The phrase my parents often demanded of me when renting schlocky horror and fantasy films (they were my dad’s favorite VHS tapes to rent) whenever there was any hint of an upcoming boobs, butts, or both.

In fact, at the showing of F13, there were a fair amount of kids.  My favorite was a dumpy looking mother with her dumpy looking tween son that was wearing a Girls Gone Wild t-shirt.

What bothers me is that these parents don’t even stop to consider what these films do to their kids’ brains (if they have any, for that matter – the big dopes or their offspring).

At least the father behind me was sorta censoring his spawn’s input.

As an example of the warping that can occur, let me bring up a few things that warped my mind in the original series:

1) It made me scared of NYC.  I haven’t been sure of the origin of my fear.  This intro makes it look not-so-inviting:

2) It made me scared of loud random noises.  In the middle of the night one time, I kept hearing this scary uggh type noise.  I thought the devil was speaking through my TV or something.  Ended up being a spider in the fire alarm, but whew!  I flipped the fuck out.  Now listen to the crap noise they call “music” that plays through the opening of Jason Goes to Hell: The Final (hah!) Friday:

3) It made me scared of getting naked, et. al.  People die, folks.  People die!  That’s why I shower in my bathing suit.  Just in case.