My Bloody Valentine’s Day Weekend (A Friday The 13th Review)

I’ve finally seen the new Friday the 13th movie, and though my hopes weren’t set that high (well, they were set at least hurdle length off the ground), it sort of disappointed.

The opening sequence showed promise.  It even included a dude singing this song while listening to his iPod.  It showed some of the mechanics of Jason Voorhees tactics, but from there, not much else surprised.  I wasn’t looking for them to reinvent the wheel… just tweak it a bit.

I love the original Dawn of the Dead, but the new one enhances its story.  The same goes for The Hills Have Eyes.  This one falls in with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake – they both could have been worse, but they could have been better.  (Haven’t seen either Halloween or My Bloody Valentine, so no comment.)

I thought Jason was too powerful and menacing without showing any origin for his alleged supernatural abilities.  In the earliest films (2-4), he was vulnerable and clumsy, and in effect made him scarier.  He could be defeated, but no one was doing it.  Starting with Part 6, he was brought back to life and became zombie-like, and that worked for most of the remaining films.  The best in the series is still Freddy Vs. Jason, because it follows all the rules of both series, with tongue firmly planted in cheek.

SPOILERS: What’s with the Tom Cruise lookalike’s unwarranted hostility in the film?  Also, when did Jason ever keep somebody locked up and alive (a problem slightly hinted at in Part 4)?  And how do you show a bug zapper twice and not use it to dispense anybody!  (At least I called the wood chipper…)

Hail, hail, the gangs all GAHHHHHH!

Hail, hail, the gangs all GAHHHHHH!

(via this dude’s site)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Friday The 13th Reboot (My Version)

Hello.  Sean here.  (So am I.)

Oh yeah, that’s my brain.  Say hi.  (Hi.)

In the midst of my many snoozes, it occurred to me that the new Friday the 13th remake isn’t sticking to its source material.  (How’s that?) 

In the original film, Jason Voorhees was not the killer.  His mother was.  (Should you have put a spoiler alert?  Someone may not have wanted to know this.)  She avenged his alleged drowning while in the hands of irresponsible, sex-crazed teens.  Starting withthe second film, he avenged the death of his mother.  In the third film, he starts wearing the hockey goalie mask (it’s based on one from the 50’s Detroit Red Wings).

If this film is a sequel, it’s ignoring the last few films in the series, whereas if it’s a remake, it’s ignoring the first film.  If it’s a reboot, then how does Jason come to be?  Well my dreams may have found the answer.

He's such a cut up.

He's such a cut up.

  • The first dream between snoozes involved a golf cart on a log raft that tipped over and sunk into Crystal Lake.
  • The second dream involved a girl crossing the lake with a boy, and then boy jumped out and swam to shore.  More ridiculous versions of this continued until my conscious (and subconscious) met…
  • (NOTE: I was going to reference as many versions of the dream as there were sequels, but quite frankly, they were pretty repetitive… just like the films!)
  • In the final dream that woke me up, Jason Voorhees came to be like this:

On one side of Crystal Lake was a fat camp, and on the other side was a sports camp.  A chubbier girl would meet with one of the guys and they would get it on in the sports camp.  The guy was a real dick and he’d laugh to all his friends about how she keeps coming back for more.  Through the summer, she loses no weight, and in fact puts on more… because she’s pregnant.  When she reveals this to the boy, he breaks up with her.  All his friends sabotage her boat while they argue.  She asks him for a keepsake and he gives her one.  At the center of Crystal Lake, her boat becomes waterlogged.  As she sinks, welcoming her death, she clings to her keepsake – the boy’s goalie mask.  Jason is the supernatural son she never had (?) and he seeks revenge against anyone who visits his lake, while wearing his daddy’s face mask.  The end.  (Or is it the beginning?)

Tah dah!  (Tah dah!)

What a weird dream, btw.  (Any time!)

JusWondering… Why Has Hollywood Never Thought Of This?

"It's not a tumah!"

In all the (hundred or so) years of movie making, I’m surprised that not one film took advantage of this gimmick:

Calling the sequel to a film – ORIGINAL TITLE, JR.

Sure, there’s plenty of Actors! that already employ this gimmick.  Robert Downey; Cuba Gooding; Ed Begley.  But no movie titles… aside from the 1994 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic pictured above.

Here’s a list of films that used either Part II, Part 2, or in one case, Part Deux:

  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
  • The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
  • The Hangover Part II
  • Hostel: Part II
  • The Godfather: Part II
  • Back to the Future Part II
  • Father of the Bride Part II
  • The Karate Kid, Part II
  • Hot Shots! Part Deux
  • Rambo: First Blood Part II
  • Friday the 13th Part 2
  • Fright Night Part 2
  • Return of the Living Dead Part II
  • The Toxic Avenger Part II
  • The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (1985)
  • Meatballs Part II
  • …and other worse ones…

How funny would it have been to call one of them, ORIGINAL TITLE, JR!  Well, probably not most of them, but Meatballs, Jr. sounds tasty.  Hot Shots! Jr, Return of the Living Dead, Jr, and The Toxic Avenger, Jr. might have worked, too.

The main reason studios probably haven’t taken advantage of this move is because it evokes a child version of the original, à la The Muppet Babies.  Or worse… it evokes “Son Of” entitled films:

  • Son of the Mask
  • Son of Kong
  • Son of Flubber
  • Son of the Pink Panther
  • Son of Paleface
  • Son of Frankenstein
  • Son of Dracula
  • Son of Godzilla

Along my line of thinking, Grease 2 was almost called Son of Grease, because it’s funny.  It evokes a type of movie that’s a send-up and a celebration of the original.  On the other hand, Seed of Chucky was almost called Son of Chucky, but I’d imagine “Son Of” wasn’t gross enough.

(SIDENOTE: Son of Rambow is another excellent example of my theory, as it could have also been called Rambow, Jr.  Don’t miss this incredible, heartfelt movie.)

So what can Hollywood take away from this free advice?

Give it a shot.  The next time an unoriginal film gets a sequel, slap a Jr. on it.  It’s not like Scary Movie, Jr. could suck more, and at least the title would make me smile…

InASense, Lost… Drawing Ain’t Child’s Play

If Mrs. Voorhees* had the wherewithal to give her reborn son, Jason, a box of crayons than a barn full of tools, the art he would have produced might have looked something like these:

(Very) Artistic Representation

(Very) Artistic Representation

(Very) Artistic Representation

(Very) Artistic Representation

(Very Scary) Artistic Representation

In all actuality, this is work of Dave Devries, creator of The Monster Engine.  If you can’t figure out what he does by looking at the above images (because they’re too frightening), he takes the doodles of children and enhances them.

Click on the above page link to check more out.  Oh.  He has a book, too.

* I originally started the post with a reference to Chucky since the headline mentioned Child’s Play, but Friday the 13th was a more logical choice.  For a pointless article.  From a dumb blog.

BONUS!  This one’s just plain cool…

Does anyone else hear this one screaming, "Movie!" (As opposed to regular screaming...)

BONUS BONUS!  Check out my (Not So) Artistic Representations here.

BONUS BONUS BONUS! A hilarious TripleDoubleU classic is here.

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Song Remakes Rated By Movie Remakes

Remakes are hardly better.

With all the remakes leaking out of Hollywood like – oh, I don’t know – an unstoppable oil spill, I started thinking about song remakes… how they don’t happen as often, and when they do, how they tend to be worthy updates or at least interesting spins (outdated pun!) on the original.

That’s when I decided to present a So, Duh! Pop Quiz that will have you match a song remake with a comparable film remake.

1) Anberlin’s version of New Order’s True Faith

    a) Psycho
    b) Fame
    c) Alfie
    d) Bedazzled

2) Cake’s version of Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive

    a) Friday the 13th
    b) Clash of the Titans
    c) Dawn of the Dead
    d) Nightmare on Elm Street

3) Eddie Vedder’s version of Indio’s Hard Sun

    a) The Ring
    b) The Karate Kid
    c)  The Taking of Pelham 123
    d) The Wicker Man

4) Flo Rida’s version of Dead or Alive’s You Spin Me Round (called Right Round)

    a) Who’s Your Caddy? (Caddyshack)
    b) My Baby’s Daddy (Three Men and a Baby)
    c) Soul Plane (Airplane!)
    d) All of the above

5) Shinedown’s version of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Simple Man

    a) The Fly
    b) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
    c) The Hills Have Eyes
    d) The Parent Trap

BONUS: To check out My Top Ten List of 80’s (Music) Remakes, click here.

(Answers… or opinions, I guess… after the jump…) Read More

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Movie Themes

(I apologize for the slow load on this page, but I decided to collect the clips for easier access.  And sorry the list is so long, but I wanted to prove a point.)

When talking about a movie’s score, modern audiences probably think it has something to do with how much it made at the box office on opening weekend, or what it’s rated on Rotten Tomatoes.  In actuality, the movie’s score – primarily the theme song – should be more than a cue to what you’re supposed to feel throughout watching the flick.  It should capture the spirit of the story in a melody… one that you can carry with you in a hum.

As a child, all my favorites had excellent theme songs (you can hum them without a hint):

  • Star Wars
  • Indiana Jones
  • Superman
  • Back to the Future
  • E.T.
  • Jaws
  • James Bond
  • Rocky
  • Batman (Michael Keaton)

(the rest of the list is continued after the jump) Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… Housecleaning Pucks And Hamburger Docs

I had to verify what my subconscious created in this doozy of a dream, because in another one, my subconscious got it completely all wrong.  It works in the second dream because it makes it kinda funny.  But the fact that I knew a certain fact in the first one so matter-of-, um, -factly kinda impresses me (humility is soooo overrated).

DREAM SCENARIO ONE

I was playing hockey.  It wasn’t a professional game, but professionals were there.  (This entire dream happened out of guilt for skipping pick-up hockey last night.  In my defense, two friends were not going… I just hope they had enough people… curse you guilt!)  Anyhattrick, one of the pros approached me at the end and said, “I heard your house could use a good spring cleaning.”  I told him, “Yeah, it could,” and then wondered who he’d been talking to.  That’s when he dropped this deal, “I’d do it.  For five bucks.”  How could I resist?  So I handed him five bucks and made arrangements, not even thinking he could be scamming me for five bucks.  And he showed up!  To clean!  The player in question:

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

Martin Brodeur, goalkeeper for the New Jersey Devils.  I didn’t know I knew him, or his position, or that he was Canadian, yet my subconscious did (I’m not 100% on whether I knew he was a Devil, but I want to say he was wearing their color scheme).  In double-checking my brain, some tidbits I learned about him:

  • He’s played for the New Jersey Devils his entire NHL career. (I like franchise guys, and the NHL is full of them.)
  • He’s three shutouts short of breaking Detroit Red Wing Terry Sawchuck’s record of 103 games. (FYI – Sawchuck’s mask was the basis for Jason’s mask in Friday the 13th.)
  • He holds the second place record (behind Patrick Roy) for the most wins, which he’ll inevitably pass provided he stays healthy.
  • He holds the record for the most wins in a regular season (48, in 2006-7).
  • He’s the only NHL goalie to score a game winning goal.

There are many more.  And I might have to add that I could be a fan now.  What?  Don’t look at me like that.  I’m not saying I like him better than my beloved Red Wings… well, maybe Chris Osgood if he doesn’t start picking up.

DREAM SCENARIO TWO

I was eating at a McDonald’s (like I often do?) when a commotion started at the register.  The friends with me initially ignored it, but when the buzz of excitement started spreading, people were rushing to the front counter.  I overheard a girl say, “The stars of Top Gun are here doing a promotion!”  So the group I was with got mixed up in the glee and followed.  I distinctly remember not even thinking Tom Cruise would be there.  I knew it would be Iceman (Val Kilmer) and Goose (Anthony Edwards).  Turned out the rumors were wrong.  Instead of getting this duo:

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I got this duo:

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

 Except they looked like this:

Uh... yeah...

Uh... yeah...

 Of course, everyone was excited to see George Clooney, and under normal circumstances I would have been, too.  But Anthony Edwards?  How often is he out in public?  This was my chance to pitch a script in which he would have the starring role.  The script entitled “Continuum” was based on a dream I once had that featured Anthony Edwards (how meta).  I told it to him while Clooney took orders from dining room patrons, but I figured he was listening to our conversation and would possibly produce/direct the film.  The only catch – the script wasn’t written.  Edwards would be in town for two more days, so I’d have to write it in that time.  That’s when Clooney chimed in, “It could be the greatest script of all time… or the crappiest.”  (I knew he was eavesdropping!)

And that was that.  To sum up: Martin Brodeur cleaned my house for five bucks, and I had two days to write a script for Anthony Edwards to star in.  I have no idea what any of that means.

Drunken Recollection… Bible Thumping, Veggie Trumping, And Movie Pumping

Some of the conversations the crew and I have had over brews lately make me feel like I should be running my sister’s sister-site, SomethingKnew.  On her page, she goes over all the new things she learns every day – mine are things I learn over every beer.

  • Which Testament of the Bible has more books (at least according to what us Roamin’ Catholics were taught)?  We honestly had no idea, but courtesy of the TripleDoubleU on my new iPhone, there are 46 books in the Old Testament vs. 27 books in the New Testament.  The number I have heard of from both?  Maybe 30 (I didn’t feel like counting).  The number I have read?  Zero.
  • Carotene is found in carrots.  Carotene?  Carrots!  Is there bananatene in bananas?  Does Ovaltine come from ovals (sorry about the Seinfeld rip)?  Perhaps teenatene is what causes youngsters to turn emo (because it’s like the stuff in onions that makes you cry)?  Okay, I’m done.

    Teenatene was first discovered by German scientists.

    Teenatene was first discovered by German scientists.

  • What is the longest running film series?  I didn’t want to include James Bond because I figured it was automatically the longest at 22 films.  Research lead me to this: a lot people argue about this.  Some consider the length to start from the first in the series; some count every incarnation.  Many webheads reference different foreign film series that are unknown to me, so I’ve decided the second longest series is this:
    Part 14 will be "roaring" into stores this year.
    Part 14 will be “roaring” into stores this year.

    And the third longest is this:

    Part 10 will be "pulling your strings" soon!
    Part 10 will be “pulling your strings” soon!

    (Friday the 13th could be argued for hitting 12 films, but that series is dead to me.)

InASense, Lost… No To Boobs, But Blood’s Okay?

This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for awhile.  When I recently went to the theater to see the wretched Friday the 13th remake/revision/re-fried beans, there was a father behind me with his 8-10 year old son.  I had a major ass-id flashback when I overheard him telling his son, “Cover your eyes!” whenever nudity was shown.

“Cover your eyes!”  The adage of the forbidden.  The phrase my parents often demanded of me when renting schlocky horror and fantasy films (they were my dad’s favorite VHS tapes to rent) whenever there was any hint of an upcoming boobs, butts, or both.

In fact, at the showing of F13, there were a fair amount of kids.  My favorite was a dumpy looking mother with her dumpy looking tween son that was wearing a Girls Gone Wild t-shirt.

What bothers me is that these parents don’t even stop to consider what these films do to their kids’ brains (if they have any, for that matter – the big dopes or their offspring).

At least the father behind me was sorta censoring his spawn’s input.

As an example of the warping that can occur, let me bring up a few things that warped my mind in the original series:

1) It made me scared of NYC.  I haven’t been sure of the origin of my fear.  This intro makes it look not-so-inviting:

2) It made me scared of loud random noises.  In the middle of the night one time, I kept hearing this scary uggh type noise.  I thought the devil was speaking through my TV or something.  Ended up being a spider in the fire alarm, but whew!  I flipped the fuck out.  Now listen to the crap noise they call “music” that plays through the opening of Jason Goes to Hell: The Final (hah!) Friday:

3) It made me scared of getting naked, et. al.  People die, folks.  People die!  That’s why I shower in my bathing suit.  Just in case.

Happy Find… How To Dance: The Final Chapter

I think my brain melted over the weekend. 

During my marathon of a certain horror film series that gets its reboot this Valentine’s Day weekend, I stumbled across a particular scene in The Final Chapter (not really) of Friday the 13th that I had seen once before.  While working on an older post about Back to the Future’s Crispin Glover, I had played through some videos of his career and life missteps.  This is one glaring example of a misstep if I ever saw one: