How in the heckster did this guy:
Become this guy:
He once used to say, "Finish it."
I guess it’s kind of like how this happened:
"It's spelled like 'tomato' except no 'to' and and it ends with an 'er' rather than 'o'..."
Come on. It’s inevitable. We’re reaching the bottom of the fish barrel (in which we like to shoot) when it comes to properties from the 80’s (and earlier). With The A-Team hitting the big screen this summer, there aren’t too many shows left to adapt.
So what about the 90’s? They happened like ten years ago, right?
I know television has tried several reboots of 90’s shows (namely 90210 and Melrose Place), and a few programs have made the leap to film (The Simpsons, South Park, Strangers With Candy, The X-Files, Sex and the City… you know, all cartoons). But there are plenty of hits that scream big screen, and today, I’m going to focus on casting one of them:
"(Grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)..." because I don't know how to spell the (grunt).
"Tim, don't even think about touching the dishwasher. Her name is Consuela."
It's a Disney production, and so are they.
"I don't think. Tim."
"Forget everybody else. Do you know what time it is?"
"Howdy neighbor... by the way, where's Jill?"
BONUS: Preview for Roland Emmerich’s Full House
Homey don't... work anymore "My Wife & Kids" went off the air.
One day at lunch, a discussion occurred that revolved around how Saturday Night Live characters had their own movies, but In Living Color did not. We threw around Actor! names and characters, and it was decided that Damon Wayans’ Homey D. Clown might have the best shot at a movie.
But I disagreed.
Clown movies have never done well at the box office (by my summation). Here are the ones I could think of…
1) Vulgar the Clown – Vulgar
Howard Stern was repulsed by this movie.
Adam Sandler's the clown in blue.
3) Escaped mental patient – Clownhouse
Creepy much?
4) Killer Klowns from Outer Space
I'm not afraid of clowns, per se, but aliens - yikes!
5) Drunk birthday party clown – Uncle Buck
Deleted line, so I heard - "Buck off, bucko!"
6) The Violator a.k.a. Clown – Spawn
Apropos of nothing, John Leguizamo also starred in "The Pest"
7) Pennywise the Dancing Clown – IT
The source of my brother's Coulrophobia.
Beverly Marsh has sex with the other members of the Losers Club (all six of them, one after the other, in a sewer) in order to re-forge the connection between them after defeating IT as pre-teens. It’s supposed to be a metaphor for moving from childhood to adulthood, but triggered many readers’ Squick.
8) Clown doll – Poltergeist
This one... it kinda gets me. Not a fan of ghosts.
9) Lou Craddock & crew – A Boy and His Dog
Don Johnson played the boy. I don't know who played his dog.
10) Captain Spaulding – House of 1000 Corpses & The Devil’s Rejects
He's as patriotic as he is psychotic.
11) Clowning around, though not quite clowns – The Joker, Jigsaw, & Beetlejuice
Fairly successful as Not-Clowns
These guys are arguable as clowns. Why? Well Jigsaw’s a marionette, Beetlejuice is the self-proclaimed “ghost with the most,” and The Joker… well… yeah, he’s a clown.
BONUS FRIGHT:
BONUS HUMOROUS FRIGHT:
Should it be pronounced Shawn Bawn?
There’s a common misconception on the TripleDoubleU about Actor! Sean Bean:
He dies in like 85% of his movies!
Another misconception - this is his brother.
The fact of the matter (according to my limited research) is that he’s died in hardly any of his films:
I believe it’s the 1-2-3 punch of his higher profile roles leading up to LOTR. Not many knew who he was when he played the bad guy in the second Jack Ryan film, but that lead to him getting recognized as Agent 006 in the successful James Bond reboot, and then of course, Boromir – the most noble of his deaths. And the seed was officially planted.
There are plenty of Actors! that have died more in the movies (Robert DeNiro has 14 times, Bruce Willis has 11, Johnny Depp has 9 1/2… the article that explains the 1/2, and lists more can be found here).
The Sean Bean Effect is alive and well for those guys, and he may one day catch up and surpass them, but what about Actors! that die in television shows?
I’m going to name that effect after this guy:
Jeffrey Dean Morgan, of the Jeffrey Dean Morgan Effect
Not only did Jeffery Dean Morgan have high-profile deaths in Watchmen and P.S. I Love You, he died or was dead or was a ghost in these shows:
(BONUS: A victim of both The SB and JDM Effects – Alan Tudyk. He played Wash in the awesome show Firefly, and died in the theatrically released Serenity. He also died in the reboot of V.)
He did not die in Dodgeball.
(UPDATE: I feel like I shortchanged the comparison. See the nickel’s worth improvement below.)
From Night Clubs to Sports Pubs to Corner Bars
The older you get, the more your tastes change. Whereas you once lived and breathed for laser lights, booming bass, and whatever is in those smoke machines (I like to imagine nerdy children are in the basement clapping erasers in front of fans), one day you couldn’t.
So then you hit up the deal bars (the theme bars, chain restaurants, and sports pubs) because it was still counted as “going out” and “being social” and you were still “getting yo’ drink on” (does anyone say that anymore?), but then it was too far to travel.
So then you just go to the bar closest to home. You know… those places where the nicotine absorbed by the ceilings and the walls are the only things holding it together.
Here’s a brief history of John Travolta film options that illustrate the de-evolution of the bar scene the older we get:
From Saturday Night Fever to Look Who's Talking to Wild Hogs
Saturday Night Club Fever – There are no limits to the unexplained popularity of something that’s not quite so good.
Look Who’s Talking On The TV – The possibility that you are dancing at a sports bar is directly proportionate to the possibility that a baby thinks in Bruce Willis’ voice. Also relatable – beer prices and John Travolta’s paycheck.
Swill’d Hogs – Ever hear of the phrase, phoning it in when referring to something that’s easy? Well, walking to the corner tavern and starring in a lame film are synonyms. If phrases can have synonyms…
It’s hard to believe that the man who created this, once upon a time a long time ago created this:
(SIDENOTE, BUT I”M SURE YOU DON’T CARE, BECAUSE YOU’LL NEVER MAKE IT DOWN TO THIS PART DUE TO BEING TOO BUSY CLICKING ON ALL THE ABOVE THUMBNAIL IMAGES: George Lucas didn’t necessarily create the look, but he did want it based upon Frank Frazetta’s paintings.)
Well, El Guapo, though I may not really know what a plethora is, I do know when I’ve cracked one open and it’s spilling candy (oh – that’s a piñata).
Anyway, in all my perusing of the TripleDoubleU, I find so many videos that make me chuckle, it makes me weep.
So today, I’m sort of going for broke and offering up not ONE… not TWO… not THREE… not FOUR… not FIVE… video collections!
This has popped up on more than a few of the other websites I frequent, and I’ve watched it every time. I didn’t expect much from a simple, outdated premise, but it still makes me laugh.
I mean, the blatant racism disturbs me deeply.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
BONUS HIDDEN RACISM: This perfectly explains “the underwhelming meh” I felt after watching Avatar.
(SIDENOTE: This is one whopper of a CoC, and I fear it is my greatest discovery.)
I love you, television.
There, I said it. Are you happy now? Be it that I’m an idiot for staring into your warming glow (if that’s how you want to take the term “boob tube”) or because I suckle your glass nipple (if that’s how you want to take the term “boob tube”), please know this – you complete me.
Now that that’s out of my system, onto business! I’m sorry baby, but I’ve got work to do.
Two of my favorites shows on television had “mergers” a couple of seasons ago: Lost and The Office.
Lost had this happen in their second season, and the reason why, as producers explained, was to extend the show’s storyline if needed by adding more characters with new flashbacks (I know this from memory, and I’m paraphrasing because I’m too lazy to look it up). The “merger” involved having the survivors in the tail section of the crashed airplane join the remaining survivors. At the start of the third season, the season commitment contract was locked up, and almost all of the new cast members introduced the year prior were eliminated. Almost.
As for The Office, the third season had two branches “merging,” à la the UK (original) version’s second series (that’s what they call “seasons” across the pond). Unlike the British version, almost every new character quit out frustration with their new boss. Almost.
So by now, several seasons later, only two cheeses stood, um, alone.
Actor! Sam Anderson as Bernard Nadler
Actor! Ed Helms as Andy Bernard
So to recap… the two characters that survived massive cast “mergers” were both named Bernard. Do I smell a Coinkydink or is that a tinge of Coinkydonk?
BONUS COINKYDINK OR COINKYDONK: An Actor! by the combined name of Andy Nadler played a character named Barnard (sp?) in the independent film, The Guatemalan Handshake. Consider your mind blown.
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