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Punch Drunken Recollection… Honey Badger Don’t Care!

Posted on October 15, 2011 by sgottahurt

On my recent trip to New York to watch the Yankees get rained out before beating the Detroit Tigers the next day, we stopped in DuBois, Pennsylvania for the night. We were so over-tired and wired from the drive, we decided we needed to get some drinks to relax us enough to get some sleep.

Anybooze, we stopped at Eastside Sports Bar…

They were playing Reel Big Fish's "Beer" so it felt like a safe place to be... at least the beer was cheap.

…and purchased as many beers as we could on site, as well as plenty to go.

What does that have to do with anything? Well, it was on this night that I saw this video for the first time:

And now the badass honey badger has gone mainstream:

Oh, and for the record… a fight broke out within fifteen minutes of us being at that bar, and like the honey badger, I didn’t give a shit.

In Defense Of… The NBA Staying On Strike

Posted on September 28, 2011 by sgottahurt

I might be writing this completely prematurely, but I hope the NBA never comes back… this year. And I’ll tell you why.

REASON 1 – THESE THREE PRICKS

Crybaby 1- Crybaby 2 - Crybaby Who?

When LeBron James and Chris Bosh met secretly with Dwyane Wade to discuss plans to join the Miami Heat, they essentially spit in the face of basketball. And they didn’t even win the championship! The tarnish they left on the game is comparable to the corked bat and steroid scandals in Major League Baseball – it changed everything, and definitely not for the better. (Well, in the case of baseball, the game is improving with those cheats removed. That’s why there have been more no-hitters the last few years.)

Now couple their brazen attitude with them pushing for a shortened season. They think they can win if it doesn’t take as long to get to the finals, but doesn’t that mean there would always be an asterisk next the their victory? The thing is – they don’t care. And therefore, neither do I NBA…

REASON 2 – OUTGROWING THE GAME

Son to mother: "Look Ma, I'm slam dunking!" Mother to son: "You should be able to do that, dear."

As humans, we’re all getting bigger, and not just in the positive ways. Whereas basketball courts and rims have stayed the same size. In no other sport do I see this as of much as an issue, except perhaps one day in hockey. Does this mean the sport should never come back? No. But while they’re on strike, I think they should take a look at this.

REASON 3 – THE TRUE REASON

Okay, this is pretty cool.

(image via)

No offense to the Detroit Pistons, but the last time all three Detroit teams won championships in the same year was 1935 – when the Pistons weren’t around! (For the record, we’re the only city to do that.)

The Lions won the NFL Championship (no Super Bowl until 1967); The Tigers won the World Series; and the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup!

Other cities like New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Pittsburgh (!) and Baltimore (!!) have had multiple championships in one year. We deserve another one.

SIDENOTE: I don’t count the Drive and the Shock match-ups with the Pistons and the Red Wings ~~dis~~respectively. And in 1952, the Lions and Wings won, but the Pistons were around by then. I want all three! (Check out the list here.)

A Handful Of… Different Kinds Of Different Kinds Of Love

Posted on September 9, 2011 by sgottahurt

Even muskrats do the dog.

Love is a lot like Santa Claus… they’re both fat, fond of red velvet with fuzzy white accents, and prefer to live where it’s ice-cold. But maybe that’s just me.

I was originally just going to highlight strangle love types in songs, but then I couldn’t stop myself. Aren’t you lucky?

Here’s A Handful Of Different Kinds Of Different Kinds Of Love (the asterisked songs I listened to a little longer than the rest):

STRANGE LOVE

puppy love – jungle love – radar love* – gun love – muskrat love – hula love

SPECIFIC LOVE

tainted love – dumb love – crazy love – real love – secret love – true love – sweet love – cool love – tender love* – big love – sexy love

TIME-FRAME LOVE

endless love* – april love – baby love – summer love – young love

NO-THANK-YOU LOVE

burning love* – butta love – bleeding love

PERSONAL LOVE

your love* – my love – our love

WEED LOVE

higher love* – california love*

(a lot of these via)

In Defense Of… Stick Figure Family Window Decals

Posted on August 30, 2011 by sgottahurt

This might be my most difficult In Defense Of yet. Out of everything I’ve defended, I’ve found a silver lining. But these things – I hate these things:

Revenge of the Son of the "Baby On Board" Signs, Part 2

And that’s just what it is, right? It’s the latest parental fad, like those old Baby on Board signs:

Baby, I'm Bored...

They’re pointless and annoying. All this coming from the guy that’s defended the ~~dis~~likes of Justin Beiber!

So where do I begin?

Really?

They’re pointless.

So I’m going to have to dig deep within and point out a point.

Got it!

They’re ripe for comedy. Check out this (possibly tasteless) video:

If people used these for comedic purposes rather than boastful, we might see the likes of this:

Could be a single lady's possible future...

Or maybe celebrities could get in on the trend ~~to kill it~~:

Neil Patrick Harris' Family

Octomom (less the rest of her brood) or Kate Gosselin

Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus

I fear I’ve failed this In Defense Of, and this is what I should get:

InASense, Lost… Push, Push, Pushing The Envelope

Posted on August 25, 2011 by sgottahurt

I recently found out there once was ~~quite a bit of~~ some controversy over the cover of one of my favorite comics as a kid.

It was Issue #48 of ALF (yes, he had his own comic, and yes again, 48 issues equal four years)…

Here’s the cover:

No problem.

People took issue (“Ha! I kill me!”) with it because it appears that good ol’ ALF is having his way with the seal.

So for comparison, this ALF incident happened in 1991.

A way more controversial thing happened in 1986, in Issue #9 of Miracleman:

Innocent enough, right?

Well, I’m not going to post what happens inside this issue. You’ll just have to click here if curiosity has gotten the best of you. It’s not bad, but it’s certainly graphic, and definitely NSFW or comics.

I have not much else to say due to shock. And surprisingly, the shock isn’t from an alien fucking a seal…

(via)

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Two Films, Too Similar?

Posted on August 15, 2011 by sgottahurt

I was about to get all serious on you guys, and talk about how similar (although the writers “claim” they barely remember the true incident) 30 Minutes or Less is to the Brian Douglas Wells case. Both involve a pizza driver getting a bomb strapped to them, and there’s a plot of collecting an inheritance, yada yada… I’ll let you look into the horrible story. (Oh, and don’t bother with the movie either… it’s as pointless as Oreo Cakesters.)

The only thing worse I could write about would be how Up Close & Personal was originally based on the sad life of reporter Jessica Savitch, but then it suddenly wasn’t. (Yes, I’m bringing up the crappy Michelle Pfeiffer/Robert Redford vehicle as an example.)

So instead I will do this:

It’s weird that the last two movies I saw (30 Minutes or Less and Rise of the Planet of the Apes) had unexpected things in common…

1) Apes (played by people) in the poster.

That's a whole lotta frightening there.

2) Apes (played by people) attacking people.

Apes love raising their fist, apparently...

3) Our hero is probably a pothead in real life.

They have to be, right?

4) Our probable real life pothead hero has a hot Indian girlfriend.

Dilshad Vadasria and Freida Pinto, just so you can Google more pics of them...

(More Than) A Handful Of… The Last Creative Aliens Of The Silver Screen

Posted on August 11, 2011 by sgottahurt

Has Cowboys & Aliens let you down?
Did Battle: Los Angeles and Skyline give you déjà who cares?
Still feeling blue after Green Lantern?
In Thor, the Norse gods are aliens, right?
Did you find Super 8 not so super great?
Did Transformers transform your apathy into a car?
What about Paul? Did anyone see Paul?

So why am I asking about these films, you may be, um, asking? They are the latest science fiction fare that brought aliens to the big screen. And all of them suck.

Did the original Star Wars trilogy, Alien, and E.T. use up all the imagination when it comes to inventing extra extraterrestrials? We’re talking not since 1983 here, folks! Well, 1983 brought us Ewoks. Some people don’t like Ewoks.

Here is (More Than) A Handful Of The Last Creative Aliens Of The Silver Screen (perhaps I’ll do a TV and video game one later)… and I’m not talkin’ ’bout ones that take human form, like Olivia Wilde in Cowboys & Aliens (oops – SPOILER!):

1986 – Audrey II (Little Shop of Horrors)

Okay, it’s a plant. And it’s based on a musical based on a film from 1960. But don’t try to convince me that watermelon-with-lipstick’s deep voice was expected.

1987 – The Fix-Its (*batteries not included)

This one’s not too long after the rush of 80’s dreaminess. But then again, they are basically small flying saucers. Still, no one tried it before or since (until the inevitable CGI remake).

1987 – Predators (Predator)

It took the concept of “all-things-penis” from H.R. Giger’s Alien designs, and ran with “all-things-vagina… and dreadlocks.”

1988 – Killer Klowns (Killer Klowns from Outer Space)

Once again, not too far out there thinking on the surface, but in the end, still brilliant. Shoot their noses!

1992 – Lub-Lubs (Mom and Dad Save the World)

Now we’re getting somewhere – mushroom aliens. These creatures are memorable because of their surprise. At first they look cute, but when you get closer, they get all see above picture.

1995 – Sil (Species)

Ladies and gents – our first set of alien nipples captured on celluloid!

1996 – Martians (Mars Attacks!)

I shouldn’t have included them because they originated as characters on trading cards in 1962, and because they’re CGI, but I couldn’t include Kang and Kodos since they weren’t in The Simpsons Movie, so here’s my entry for aliens whose heads are in glass helmets.

1996 – Borg Queen (Star Trek: First Contact)

Another one you could argue that I shouldn’t include, but she was new for the movie, whereas the Borg (which are awesome), were not. And that’s why the Queen gets a shout out.

1999 – Sebulba (Star Wars Episode I – The Phantom Menace)

Definitely the best alien of the new bunch from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. He’s one of the few that benefited from being CGI. Plus, he was a part of one the best sequences in the prequel trilogy (IMHO). Was he only cool because he walked on his hands, and used his feet to do everything? Shut up.

2002 – Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)

I couldn’t have ended on a better alien. Probably my favorite alien since E.T. Or at least since the one with the nipples.

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Aliens Separated At Birth

Posted on August 4, 2011 by sgottahurt

This post would have taken place back in 1985… if I had a computer… or access to the TripleDoubleU…

When I was a little kid, back in 1983, there was a movie that meant a lot to me. It was called Return of the Jedi, and it completed the Star Wars trilogy about Luke Skywalker. The whole series was about him figuring out who his family was and who his friends were. This guy was not one of his friends:

Nikto

While that was in theaters, a new TV show started about aliens coming to Earth called V. This lady was one of the visitors:

Diana

Last year, The Last Starfighter came out (which was incredible), and that film introduced us to this guy:

Grig

Doesn’t he look like he could be Nikto and Diana’s kid?

(SIDENOTE: The spaceships in The Last Starfighter were animated with computers, just like the vehicles in Tron. I don’t think it will catch on, though. The ships in Star Wars are waaaay better.)

Well, Grig might have another brother in this winter’s Enemy Mine:

Jeriba "Jerry" Shigan

All we need to do is find out Nikto or Diana’s last name… or Grig even. Why don’t more aliens have last names?

"Gorn is my last name. My first name is Leslie."

(More Than) A Handful Of… My Favorite Robot Sidekicks

Posted on July 16, 2011 by sgottahurt

Oh my circuits… this list could have went on and on and on and (you get the point).

Once, while in a very altered state, I admitted to wishing that I was a robot. I’ve since blamed it on the alteredness of my mind, but I can’t deny one thing: