Author: sgottahurt

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Can’t Believe Billy Joel Sang About That

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These monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK entries are examples of posts I might have written in the past had there been any technology other than corded remote controls, microfiche, and record players available.  This one is about a Billy Joel song I’ve only recently heard for the first time that deals with the topic of phone sex, a.k.a. not mastering your domain.

I also need add the fact that I was a good Catholic kid.  As proof of my lunacy reverence, I remember listening to Beck’s Odelay! on my Walkman for the first time, and literally throwing the headphones off because I thought it was devil music.

It’s not like my parents were super-religious or anything either… although I do remember my dad not being too happy with Olivia Newton-John’s Physical and Huey Lewis and the News’ I Want a New Drug.  But that was just a father looking out for his kid.  It’s not like any parents let their offspring listen to artists like Nicki Minaj or Flo Rida these days…

I’m a huge fan of Billy Joel.  I grew up listening to An Innocent Man on LP, and his greatest hits collection on cassette.  Can you imagine my surprise when I heard a new old song by him playing overhead at Kmart?  I figured out it’s called Sometimes a Fantasy, and it goes a bit something like this:

While at Kmart, I looked through all the cassettes trying to find which album it was on.  I finally figured out it was on Glass Houses which came out in 1980.  That’s the record You May Be Right, Don’t Ask Me Why, and It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me were all on.  I asked my mom if I could get it, but she said I already had enough of those songs on the greatest hits collection.  It would be like throwing money away.  I begged and begged, and finally she let me get it.

As soon as I got home, I ripped open the plastic, cracked open the cassette, and popped the tape in my boombox.  I was going to fast forward past You May Be Right, but I waited through it.  I listened to it once, then rewound it to get the lyrics.  I paused it after every line so I could write it down.  And you know what it was about?

Using your imagination!  I play by myself all the time using my imagination, and now my favorite musician has sung a song about it!  What a great day!  May 13, 2002 will live on in history!

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

In My Brain While Sleeping… Celebrity Wake Up Call!

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I looked up wake up call. This picture of Charlize Theron was on it. I used it. Welcome to my train of thought.

I Googled wake up call. This picture of Charlize Theron showed up as a result. I used it. Welcome to my train of thought.

I know Thanksgiving is far behind us, but I wasn’t writing this blog actively then, so I need to say this now: I’m thankful for my job.  Now, I could be big about it, and be thankful mostly that I have a job, but let me be small.  I’m thankful for my job because I pretty much start whenever I want (I try to be there before 10am), and I can find time to work on this – my master-of-stolen-minutes-work.

That having been said, sometimes I do have to be responsible and wake up early.  On occasion, I’ve even had to be at a client by 7am!  The night of this dream, that was the case.

So in this dream, there was a study that was conducted, and I was privy to the results.  The study’s tagline:

Who has the most recognizable voice in the world?

I’ll save the results for after the jump…  Read More

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Higher The Number – The Lamer The Song

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s this: lists are easy.  So today – a list!  Butt it’s a special kind of list.  Today I shall rank songs according to the number they chose to focus on.  I say, the higher the number – the lamer the song.  For our first turtle head poking out:

THE SHIT

  • The Proclaimers’ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)

This song isn’t the worst on the list, so that makes it best, or The Shit, by comparison.  Think of this song as the elusive “No-Wiper” we hope for after our morning coffees and Mountain Dews.

THE TURD EYE BLIND

  • Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles

Ms. Carleton supposedly dated the lead singer of Third Eye Blind, but not before releasing this turd.  Lucky for The Proclaimers, it took twice the walking distance to turn Stephan Jenkins on.

THE BROWN NOTE

  • 525,600 Minutes from Rent

I enjoy the South Park reference much more than my original ranking title – THE MUSICAL FRUIT.  I was of course making a pun out beans and Rent being a musical!  Nothing else!

THE JAR OF FARTS

  • Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years

I ranked time frames above distance because 1000 years is a hell of a lot more to deal with than 1000 miles!  Fart!

JUST SHITTY

  • Jason Mraz’s 93 Million Miles

Ah yes, the inspiration for this list.  Singing about the sun is so laaaaame.  Unless you’re The Beatles.  Then it’s okay.  So stick this one where the, um, sun don’t shine!

THE DOOKIE ANOMOLY

  • Green Day’s 2000 Light Years Away

This song kinds of falls into the camp of how some geniuses are such geniuses they tip over the edge and become stupid (is that a thing?)… Well, this distance is so far that the lameness resets to zero.

(SIDENOTE: Okay, the higher number/lameness factor only works when song titles involve measurements of time and distance.  Otherwise,

Nena’s 99 Luftballons and

U2’s One would prove the converse.  Simply put – all songs with numbers suck.  Except 2000 Light Years Away, ‘natch.)

Awful Battle… Out Of Ideas NBC?

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Don’t ask me how it happened, but I watched the ending of Howie Mandel’s new game show, Take It All.  (And Michael Bublé’s Home for the Holidays.  No excuses for that either.  Actually, Elmo was going to be on it, and I wondered if there were going to be any tasteless puns.  I got to hand it to them – there weren’t.)

Anyhowie, the end of Take It All was a hell of a lot (and by hell of a lot, I mean exactly) like an old Game Show Network, um, game show called Friend or Foe? (hosted by the MTV VJ that vocalized keeping her the V-card, Kennedy).

Greed Or Greater Good?

Nothing like a new game show for the holidays.

Essentially, at the game’s end, both players much choose between A or B.  For Take It All, A equaled “Keep Mine” and B equaled “Take It All,” and on Friend or Foe?, A equaled “Friend” and B equaled… I can’t recall.  If both people choose A, both people win.  If both people choose B, both people lose.  If only one chooses A, they win everything.

So apparently, NBC is running with this Take It All mentality with some upcoming shows.

Deception looks a lot like ABC’s Revenge to me.

A girl infiltrates a group pretending to be someone else to get revenge... I mean deceive them.

A girl infiltrates a group pretending to be someone else to get revenge… I mean deceive them. Why? Because rich people are assholes.

Even better, NBC is ripping off their own failed projects, because Do No Harm Done seems a lot like Awake.  Did they just have a bunch of leftover scripts?  (And art department files?)

A guy is living two lives. One splits a twelve hour shift; the other waking and sleeping hours. Which for a pothead is twelve hours. Neither of these is about a pothead.

Each one is about a guy is living two lives. One splits a twelve-hour shift between his dual lives; the other splits waking and sleeping hours. Which for a pothead is twelve hours each. Neither of these is about a pothead.

Hibbidy-Wah?! How Much Bacteria Is In Us?!

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Want to be grossed out?  Guess how much bacteria exists in the average human body?

The human body carries more than 100 trillion bacteria – up to five pounds of the tiny single-celled organisms.

Together, all of the bacteria in the body would be the size of a large liver, and in many ways, scientists say, the microbiome behaves as another organ in the human body.
(via)

So… the amount of bacteria in EACH OF OUR BODIES roughly equals this:

Too abstract?

Too abstract?

How about this?

Too tasty?

Too tasty?

Perchance this?

Too tempting?

Too tempting?

Maybe this will bring it home:

Too obsolete?

Too obsolete?

Yes Or No, Y’Know… Upcoming Movie Projects Edition

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If this was an article produced by a robot, it would be buttons with a 1 or 0. Or would a robot use YES and NO buttons to not seem like a robot?

I’m not a robot; otherwise the buttons would be marked with 1 or 0. Or would a robot use YES and NO buttons to not seem like a robot? Negative! Abort! Abort!

Hey y’all, let’s check out my simplest feelings about some upcoming film announcements.

YES!
Kevin Smith has decided to go ahead and make Clerks III.  It’s a little sooner than his “every ten years” speculation (Clerks II was released in 2006), but he must have some good ideas about what Dante and Randall have been up to.  I’m guessing that at least one of them has started a family.  I’m hoping it doesn’t become Clerks 3D. (article)

YES!
Because nobody was asking for it, Edward Woodward’s 1985 TV series, The Equalizer, is getting adapted for the big screen.  It’s basically about a one-man A-Team that equalizes situations for the underdogs… that pay him.  Denzell Washington is set to star; even better, Drive’s director Nicholas Winding Refn will helm. (article)

NO!
Why in the world would anyone want to remake Jumanji?  Sure, the special effects weren’t the greatest, but it was 1995 after all.  How about just a Special Edition re-release? (article)

NO!
I might be more excited about a Fantastic Four reboot if Disney/Marvel was in charge instead of 20th Century Fox.  Well, maybe not.  It is just the Fantastic Bore Four. (article)

NO!
Didn’t see the first live-action, Johnny Depp weird-fest, Alice in Wonderland; won’t see the second live-action, Johnny Depp weird-fest, Alice in Wonderland II. (article)

HELL YES!
God has apparently changed his mind.  Ghostbusters III is a go! (article)

HELL NO!
The Bill Murray story was a hoax! (article)

True Facts I Made Up… The Truth Behind Billie Jean

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Every once in a while on this great planet a person with no discernible talent rises like a comet toward the outskirts of fame, and instead crashes like a meteor toward infamy.  This was the trajectory Kim Kardashian and George W. Bush were destined to follow, but our modern media changed their outcomes.

The same can’t be said about Billie Jean.  (Thanks modern media.)

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz, circa 1980

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz, circa 1980, imitating the practice that would make her a legend

Wilhelmina Jeanette Mousekewitz*, better known only as Billie Jean, was born some time in the 60’s to a mother and father that named her.  She always had dreams of making it big in Hollywood, and once she got too big for Hollywood, Ohio, she moved to Los Angeles to chase bigger dreams… and the stuff of legend.

At the ripe age of legal, she found her way into many celebrity circles, and more specifically, into many celebrities’ beds… some of which happened to be circle in shape.  Many Two singers sang about their exploits involving Ms. Mousekewitz:

Some even suggest that Tommy Tutone’s scandalous Jenny was one of her pet names (Billy Jenny):

A movie was made based on The Legend of Billie Jean, but it was a tongue-in-cheek reference to her true story:

You can't make a movie about

Nobody would sign off on it.

The biggest reason that Billie Jean is known among the Hollywood elite is for her coining of this phrase:

Who do I gotta blow to get a _______ around here?

She said it all the time, and she meant it, whether it was a part in a film that she wanted, or a cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr.  And that’s the untold true story behind Billie Jean.

*(It’s been said that her last name also inspired the story that became An American Tail.  The pun was on purpose.)

Punch Drunken Recollection… Laffy Taffy Ride

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My original plan for this post was to write about a collection of strangers I made up stories about while at a concert.  There was:

  • Bored Larry – this was a guy standing in front of me that would hunch over for extended periods of time, then suddenly start standing upright again… he also went by Emotional Larry because there was a chance he was moping instead of hunching
  • The Kissing Kouple – these two people couldn’t have been more mismatched… he was a Barenaked Ladies understudy; she was a less famous pin-up girl from the 40’s… and they made out the entire concert
  • Two  Jims – these two guys wouldn’t shut up behind me, bonding over the minutia of life and beer
  • Drunk Poor Man’s Parker Posey – this girl was beyond trashed and asked everybody and anybody if they were ready to leave… I believe one of the Two Jims (if not both) might have taken her up on her sad offer

But instead of doing what I just did, I decided to share some Laffy Taffy jokes my siblings and I made up while driving from Chicago to Detroit in two different cars.  Enjoy!

Not a very polite beginning, but a beginning nonetheless.

Not a very polite beginning, but a beginning nonetheless.

Too easy.

Too easy.

I was not involved in this one so I had to make color alterations.

I was not involved in this one so I had to make color alterations.

You see, my sister had this tobacco moth on her tomato plant. It was disgusting... and a terrible guess.

You see, my sister had this tobacco moth on her tomato plant. It was disgusting… and a terrible guess.

All acceptable guesses. But only one is right.

All acceptable guesses. But only one is right.

Sexist!

Sexist!

It should have been a stamp, but that Laffy Taffy joke probably exists. Hence, convention was turned on its head.

It should have been a stamp talking to an envelope, but that Laffy Taffy joke probably exists. Hence, convention was turned on its head.

Callback!

Callback!

This was in reference to me making everybody guess my favorite Wang Chung song.

This was in reference to me making everybody guess my favorite Wang Chung song.

*Head slap!* Atlantis Morrissette!

*Head slap!* Atlantis Morrissette is better!

Unofficial Trilogy… Filmic Comic Book Bookends Edition

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(OPENING SIDENOTE: I like the title of this post.)

Today’s Unofficial Trilogy is about the nails in the coffin of comic book film series (or as in one case, a stake in the heart). Spider-Man 3 was saved by a summer reboot, otherwise this would have been an Unofficial Quadrilogy.

Oh, so dark these heroes..

Oh, so dark these heroes… except maybe the last one.

This movie was, um, weird.  It barely featured Wesley Snipes as Blade (was he out of the country evading taxes when this was made?), and the scene where John Michael Higgins interrogates him is laughable.  Gay subtext in a James Bond superhero/vampire  film?  Well I never!

Two words: Brett Ratner (wow, I haven’t bashed on him in a long while).  Two more words: cobbled mess.  Four more words: I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!  Two last words on The Last Stand: whiny Wolverine.

I was really upset with the lack of purpose this one seemed to have.  And critic Chris Gore made a good point about it by stating something like this (I’m poorly paraphrasing):

His parents’ death made Bruce Wayne become Batman, but Rachel Dawes death made him not be Batman?

But then I read this article, and something happened… my opinion kinda sorta changed.  I won’t go into too much detail, but the author basically regards the third film as a contradiction to the second film, and that in turn made me realize TDKR was the answer to the TDK problem that nobody asked.  What I always enjoyed about the first film’s ending was that it agreed with my theory:

If someone figures out how to be a superhero/villain, then someone will figure out how become its opposite.

The Dark Knight answered that question perfectly.  But what question did TDK ask?

Is a lie okay if it’s for the greater good?

TDK was all about bending means to certain ends.  TDKR was about the inevitable collapse of those well-intended lies.  Too bad it just felt shoddy and shitty.

(FYI: The above Batman poster was made by this guy.)

Worth 1002 Words… Creeped Me The F— Out Edition

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Look Away!

(SIDENOTE: I don’t really want to get into how I found this on IMDb, but here I go… I was looking up horrible movies that were in the After Dark Horriblefest Horrorfest, and I didn’t realize that one I had seen was in that group.  The Graves is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, but thanks to its leads, Clare Grant (Mrs. Seth Green) and cutie Jillian Murray, I unfortunately stuck with it.  So having seen a lot of Ms. Grant on the TripleDoubleU, I thought I’d look into Ms. Murray’s C.V.  Lucky for me, she was the star of a little movie called Wild Things: Foursome.  Nonetheless, this dude named Keith Hudson had a small part in it, and his picture freaked me out.  This is a shot from another movie, just to let you know…)