In My Brain While Sleeping… Don Rickles And Garry Shandling’s Top-Secret Project

As usual, what the fuck is wrong with my subconscious?

In this particular dream, I met Don Rickles and after hanging out for a few drinks, he let me in on a top-secret project he was working on.  He told me that he and Garry Shandling had an upcoming talk show set to debut on FOX called “It’s Garry!”

It would take place in a boxing ring within a smoky environment, and there would be only two chairs facing each other, like Tom Snyder’s old Late Late Show.  Rickles would man the pull-down boom mike and would act as the trainer; Garry would portray different personalities for each interview, with names like Harry, Jerry, and Barry.

I guess it might look something like this:

It’s been a while since I’ve edited me some photos…

I would totally watch this show, and not just because I invented it without trying…

(SIDENOTE: Here’s Garry in his original uncomfortable environs…)

Oh the celebs he could get!

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monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Think It’s Time To Get A Bonsai… Maybe

Normally these are posts that would have taken place in the past if I had a blog, but this post is as much about now as it is about then.

Who hasn’t seen The Karate Kid, Part III?  Well, my guess is probably a lot of you, taking into consideration you might think it’s an upcoming sequel to the Jaden Smith flick, and it’s being filmed simultaneously as The Karate Kid, Part II, just like how they did Back to the Future The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions The Lord of the Rings Trilogy The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2.

Anyiamthemanwhowillfightforyourhonor, here’s the poster with its awesome slogan:

First it was teacher to student.
Then it was father to son.
Now it’s man to man.

Fuck yeah!

So a lot of the 1989 classic (that’s right… I said classic) centers around Mr. Miyagi’s  bonsai tree shop wishes, and ever since then, I’ve sorta wanted one.

But I forgot that.

Until I got a pop-up ad reminding me.

But could I do it?  Could I actually care for one?!  They’re not the easiest (or cheapest) plants to raise.  I don’t think I’m cut out for it (no pun intended).  Or am I?  Sorry, but this post has rattled free my insecurity about many life matters.  I have to go now…

That’s a big little commitment.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Throwing Things At The Wall And See What Sticks Edition

I don’t know where to begin with this post. Which one gets the coveted title of The Shit and which gets Just Shitty.  I guess I’ll just GoJo with my gut since that’s where it’s all made…

THE SHIT (FIGURATIVELY LITERAL)

This is a real company’s website.  I only found out about it by passing a truck bearing its logo on the freeway.  I don’t care what they make.  (I don’t know what they make.)

Butt they’re ad campaign is ASS… THE ORIGINAL, and I couldn’t ass-k for more (check it out here):

Mind, meet gutter. Ass, meet end of arm tooling.

THE SHIT (LITERALLY FIGURATIVE)

Is this product a bad idea?  Or worse yet, is it a great idea?

The GoJo Hands Free seems like something out of the past.  But in this case, the past is only like three years ago…

JUST SHITTY

Speaking of (more than three) years ago, aren’t these songs horribly dated?  I didn’t like them then, so I definitely don’t like them now:

  • Sugar’s Helpless
  • Dinosaur Jr’s Feel the Pain

(SIDENOTE: Perhaps I don’t hate them as much as I thought if I chose to remember to write about how much I hate them.  That’s tantamount to writing a letter to Santa Claus to tell him you don’t believe in him.)

Awful Battle… Different Types Of Awful (In Music Videos)

This post could get quite existential.  It’s going to ask the big questions that have no real answers.

First up –

Why is Chris Brown allowed to still be making music?

I’m not even taking any of the Rihanna crap into account.  I’m basing it solely on this horrid example of modern music, Don’t Wake Me Up:

What I don’t get is that even though the kid can sing, they do the shittiest auto-tuning of his voice at the 1:11 mark (and beyond).  I thought we were done with that!

Second up –

What parent allowed their child to be tortured like this?

I’ll grant you that the video for MGMT’s Kids is amazing.  But it’s mostly amazing because it traumatizes a child throughout.  The band does explain how they made it, but I didn’t feel like watching that video too.

Third up –

If you can clearly understand the lyrics, why would you show them through the whole damn video?

Matchbox Twenty reunited this summer and released their first song in (look up how long to fill in this blank) years, She’s So Mean, and instead of a clever representation of the song, they gave a literal literal one:

They ultimately released a banned band version, but it’s too late.  The damage is already done.

Hibbidy-Wah?! OMFG! There’s No F—in’ Way This Could Ever Happen!!

This show looks like absolute vodka shit.

It is called… Made in Jersey, and it will air on See B.S.… I mean, CBS.

The premise is stupid simple.  A girl woman from New Jersey becomes – wait for it – a lawyer!  Crazy, right?

Check out these awful promos.  As a bonus, they’re extra confusing because one introduces the actress playing the character, whereas the other just introduces the character.  Why do we need to know the actress?  This show won’t last.  And her dreams will be unceremoniously dashed against the Jersey shore…

Introducing Janet Montgomery (the actress):

Meet Martina Garretti (the character):

Nice timing, too, because every body is sooooo into New Jersey right now…