Month: June 2009

Drunken Recollection… Going For The Goldfish?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I wouldn’t exactly say that I’ve been around the block (although technically, as a child, I rode my bike around the block a ton… I don’t know what I want this metaphor to mean!).

Let me begin instead with this: I’m for all intents and purposes (or is it “intensive purposes?”)…

I’m a bar frequenter.  An aficionado of affordable alcohol.  If you have drink specials, considered a seat filled.  It’s been this way for me for quite awhile, as I haven’t been tied down by much of anything.  Tumbling tumbleweed is how I often refer to my life.

So it’s safe to assume I’ve seen a fair amount of oddities in my bar days.  I went to New York City to participate in a Snuggie Pub Crawl for Pabst’s sake!

But now I’ve discovered this:

Yup.  Goldfish racing.  In the bar.  For prizes.

It's better than swallowing goldfish when drunk. Barely.
It’s better than swallowing goldfish when drunk. Barely.

Apparently, this is not a new practice either.  It (seems to have) started back  in Utah, as long ago as 2004 (whooohoooo), and it’s been a subject of controversy since it’s inception.  A press release by the Humane Society:

Words, words, words...

Words, words, words...

 There are a few styles practiced.  There’s the squirt gun style, as seen in the above video.  Some people use straws, and they blow above or below the water, depending on the arena.  And of course, some guy in Japan’s turned it into an art form… not unlike NASCAR:

Why do I bring this all up, you ask?  As we were leaving one of the bars I frequent, a friend mentioned he saw a sign saying something about goldfish racing.  I laughed and thought he was making it up, yet here’s this post.

Now if I can just remember which bar we were at…

JusWondering… Does Beer Make Me Smarter?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sure… during my month of not boozing, I might have woke up each morning with an extra bounce in my step, but at work, more mistakes were made and more things were forgotten.  Yeah, it’s possible I slept better or longer (courtesy of passing out) during the many sauced months that came before, or that the heaped upon hours I spent in front of the boob tube boobed out my noggin and rendered my work performance lackluster.

So I started to wonder… maybe I’m smarter under the influence.  I do play a lot of trivia at the bar, and maybe that’s like running with ankle-weights for my brain.  Research ensued and I discovered this headline:

Whuuuuhhh?!

Whuuuuhhh?!

Dost thine eyes deceive, um, me?

From the BBC article:

Mice fed moderate quantities of alcohol grew extra brain cells, but also showed a preference for alcohol over water.

Lead researcher Professor Stefan Brene said: “We believe that the increased production of new nerve cells during moderate alcohol consumption can be important for the development of alcohol addiction and other long-term effects of alcohol on the brain.”

Okay, maybe it doesn’t sound perfectly fantastic – or does it?  

Alternatively, the extra cells might help with learning and memory, [Brene] said.  Another theory, according to the researchers, is that the tranquilising effect of alcohol triggers the growth.  All of the new cells developed normally.

My favorite line:

A spokeswoman from the Campaign for Real Ale said: “It is well known that alcohol in moderation is good for your body so it’s no surprise it’s also good for your mind.  “Maybe that is why lots of pub quiz teams are so bright.”

Some other favorite lines… from The Legend of Bagger Vance:

Rannulph Junnah: Now, the question on the table is how drunk is drunk enough? And the answer is that it’s all a matter of brain cells
Hardy Greaves: Brain cells?
Rannulph Junnah: That’s right Hardy. You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That’s ok, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.

And then there’s always Cliff Clavin’s take:

Well you see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

InASense, Lost… Zack Morris And I Used To Be Friends… Were To!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had several idols growing up…

  • From the Detroit Tigers, there were Champ Summers and Lance Parrish
  • From the movies, there were Luke Skywalker and Han Solo Indiana Jones
  • And from TV, there were Alex P. Keaton, Mike Seaver, and Zack Morris

Because of my heroes from the Tigers, I’ve always felt at home in the outfield or behind home plate.  Because of Luke and Indy, I learned to stand up for what’s right, and still do, whether if it’s my friends (and the galaxy far, far away) that are in trouble or if there’s an artifact that belongs in a museum. 

But with TV – that glorious, nuturing glass nipple – I’m not sure if everything’s the same. 

I was a Conservative Republican in my youth because of Marty McFly Alex P. Keaton.  Not only was President Reagan keeping us “safe” from global nuclear disaster, Michael J. Fox’s character on Family Ties knew a thing or two about money… and what kid doesn’t like money?  Since then, I’ve become more of a political moderate, and money is not the end all I thought it once was (I can get candy and toys whenever I want, you see).

Not a mug shot... Although he's in court...

Not a mug shot... Although he's in court...

While I looked up to Mike Seaver, I never got into The Boss or harassed either of my sisters into anorexia like he did.  I’m not sure what I admired him for except for his confidence (and his MILF… and his WILF), but it sure as hell wasn’t his beliefs…

When it comes to Zack Morris, it’s a little bit different, though.  We were both in high school at the same time.  He was a likable kid that couldn’t quite get the cool and pretty Kelly Kapowski.  I was going through the same thing in my mind life with a girl I had a crush on. 

But how is he different from Ferris Bueller or Parker Lewis, one might ask?  My response: he was believable.  Zack Morris, even with his time-outs and asides, seemed like a kid you could know, and the credit for that goes to Mark-Paul Gosselaar.  That’s why whenever he gets more chances to move on in his career, I applaud him, like when he was in NYPD Blue or in Raising the Bar, or last night on…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

 

 

Never mind.

Simply Kaelin Some Time… (Keyboard Kato Style)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I apologize for posting another video (as if I don’t post beaucoup de vidz anyway), but the post I was working on started changing and growing from what I initially imagined (don’t worry – it will still be less than superb).  I need to be somewhere else soon, plus I want to allow the other idea to ferment a little longer, so here’s my gift to you (via Tosh.0):

Happy Find… Emo Baby Huey

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is unspeakably insanely awesome.  Watch it and guess what year it was made…

Is that a giant onion in his diaper?

Is that a giant onion in his diaper?

If you guessed anything but 1999, you’re an idiot!

For a second, I thought that bridge was the same one that was in Silver Bullet (at the 2:oo minute mark), but I was wrong.  Who’s the idiot now?!

(via Everything is Great Terrible, as per usual)

Worth 1002 Words… Chinese Art Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Rising Son
Wang Chung

(Photo: Kin Cheung/Associated Press via Doobybrain) 

Some alterntates:

  • Rising Son
  • Lookin’ Up!
  • Bolly Wood
  • Hung Kong
  • Dynasty Scene
  • Mumbai Bum-bye

And FYI – The piece is called Nude No. 2… draw (or sculpt?) your own conclusions.

In My Brain While Sleeping… So Long, Tiny Zebra And Tiny Cougar, I Will Miss You

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t know of any better way to convey this oddity of a dream that stuck with me.  So here it is chronologically.  Now with 100% more pictures!

cruisecopter

I started off on a cruise ship that went to an island (of course), and I took a helicopter out to sea.

 

 

Dramatization (not an actual plier-mouthed porpoise)

Dramatization (not an actual plier-mouthed porpoise)

And because I was afraid of heights (from being in the helicopter), I jumped into ocean, hitched on ride on tandem jet ski, and saw huge porpoises with wrench-like teeth and giant dolphins leaping  over row boats and other jet skis.

 

 

 

 

simplemathOnce I reached dry land found, I found a tiny zebra and a tiny cougar (both were pocket-sized).

 

deepimpactI carried them around we me (in my pockets, natch) until I witnessed a tsunami coming ashore from opposite directions.

 

bedpanThen it suddenly turned into “real life” and I was at one of my company’s clients that sells medical equipment.  I gave my tiny zebra and my tiny cougar to their employees, so they could be cared for.

 

 

hamburgerdressI ended up finding out that the medical supplier had started manufacturing meat products out of zebras and cougars in general, so I narc’d reported them to the authorities.  

 

 

 

roadkillI thought they were marketing the meat as ‘hamburger,’ but in fact, they were selling it as ‘wild game’ to a restaurant near my office.

 

 

INGREDIENTS: Jellybean Nerds and Mountain Dew

Musical Musings… I Don’t Wanna But I Gotta: A New Literal Video

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was just discussing with my boss Paul that there needs to be a new literal video.  Universe asked… message received… dascottjr delivered.

I loved the previous creations by Dusto McNeato.  Check out his works here and here.  Although I feel the vocals are a bit better in his takes, you have to admit that Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart is ripe for the pickin’, and pick away they do.

Awful Battle… And The Academy Award For Overacting Goes To–

Posted on by sgottahurt

In real life, most of us have been fortunate enough to avoid problems such as

  • finding out from a letter that your spouse has cheated on you with somebody else’s spouse, but somebody killed them both
  • discovering somebody was getting killed while you were fumbling with music
  • or realizing that goblins* are going to eat you after they finish eating someone else?

So the bulk of us can understand how difficult it would be to try to act out one of those very same scenarios, with so little personal experience to build on. 

Where do you go inside yourself to uncover the characters’ motivation?  Do they teach workshops at the local community college?  Are there clips on YouTube that demonstrate what it takes?

Awful battle… GO!

*the film was called Troll 2, but it was about goblins.

Drunken Recollection… I Might Be More Afraid Of Lizards Than I Thought

Posted on by sgottahurt

Drinking time with old friends usually includes a back catalog of stories we’ve all heard before. 

Last night, for example, the tale of how one of my pals and I almost burnt down an entire Boy Scout camp (it wasn’t our fault as much as it was the scoutmaster’s pyromaniac son) was brought up. 

Or how one the friend’s family seems to think some of the other guys built a new cabin one time (they didn’t).  Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned our BSA days at all, but my point is this: we’ve heard it all before.

At least that’s what I thought.

My buddy was regaling us with an episode that occurred while he was in Malaysia.  Apparently, he had rented a dirt bike and was traveling around with his girl at that time (this story was brought up most likely because his girl of this time wasn’t present).  They were planning on taking a shortcut up a dirt path on a hill, but at the top, they encountered a chainlink fence. 

On his side of the fence, a dumpster full of reeking trash.

On the opposite side – a cadre of monitor lizards clawing at the fence, hissing, and shaking it.  I imagined something like a zombie movie.  He said rather than riding the bike in a small circle, he stood up (with his girl hanging around his neck the entire time), grabbed the end of the bike, and spun in his spot.  He sped so fast down the hill he almost popped at wheelie at take-off.

Okay, it’s not a classic story, but considering what’s happened in Indonesia with the Komodo dragons, it kind of freaked me out.  Also… I was drunk, so I kind of pictured it something like this:

Dramatization of actual events

Dramatization of actual events