Hibbidy-Wah?! Death First, Safety Second

This was featured in a bit on G4’s Attack of the Show, and they only showed a snippet of it.  The entirety is much worse.

According to YouTube user “eiflerb”:

This video was discovered by someone who used to work at a public library several years ago. This has not been edited in any way. This is 100% authentic.

No matter what, it’s fucked up.

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Hibbidy-Wah?! Things You Did Not (Need To) Know

This is an oldie I forgot about.  I’m not upset.  It forgot about me, too.

This was sort of like a Happy Find of the Hibbidy-Wah?! kind.  It was originally on Everything is Terrible’s website, and it caused them a world of potential hurt.  Luckily someone else finally re-posted it, and Warming Glow brought it back to my attention:

And this little factoid will never leave my noggin:

(via Zany Pickle via The Daily What)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Taylor Swift Returns To SNL (And I Suggest A Skit!)

(I had this dream before I recently revisited New York.  That trip will be an upcoming tale I’m sure you will care less about than this trip.  You most likely don’t even care about this thing that happened In My Brain While Sleeping, and I’ve already lost you.  Have I lost you?  No…?  I guess if I lost you before reading this, you would have no idea I even cared that you were gone.  Because I do.  It helps my hit counter.  But I guess it counts as a hit whether you keep reading or not, so moving on…)

*Le sigh*

In this dream, singer (and now Actor!) Taylor Swift was making her second appearance on Saturday Night Live.

I was in the audience and a participant of the Try Out as a Comedy Writer Program.

I suggested a skit, and the producers ran with it.

The concept was this: Swift was trying to sell a baby on the black market to none other than Kristen Wiig (she’s like in every skit).

The lovely chanteuse messed up line the punchline about taking the baby for one million dollars, instead of selling.

Wiig’s character finally agrees, and Swift hands the baby over.  But the catch is that the infant has a tail (like that one baby in India), but it’s more like a boa.

A little bit of this mixed with a little bit of that...

I ended up meeting the baby later and it could talk, à la Baby Herman from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

That catch was he had a beard, à la Chippy from Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show Great Job!

A little bit of this mixed with a little bit of that...

WTF is wrong with my subconscious?

Awful Battle… Clowns On Film

Homey don't... work anymore "My Wife & Kids" went off the air.

One day at lunch, a discussion occurred that revolved around how Saturday Night Live characters had their own movies, but In Living Color did not.  We threw around Actor! names and characters, and it was decided that Damon Wayans’ Homey D. Clown might have the best shot at a movie.

But I disagreed.

Clown movies have never done well at the box office (by my summation).  Here are the ones I could think of…

1) Vulgar the Clown Vulgar

Howard Stern was repulsed by this movie.

  • This early production by Kevin Smith covered a lot of dark themes, such as clown stripping, clown rape, clown vengeance, and attempted clown murder.  Well, I don’t know if those are themes for sure, but they’re indeed dark.

2) Shakes the Clown

Adam Sandler's the clown in blue.

  • Actor! Bobcat Goldthwait wrote, directed, and starred in this film about an alcoholic clown.  He eventually would follow this one up with a film about a woman that had sex with her dog.  Moving on…

3) Escaped mental patient – Clownhouse

Creepy much?

  • Director Victor Salva went to prison for molesting his child star in this film.  I mean, he didn’t do it in this film.  It happened behind the scenes.  But not necessarily on the sets.  Once again, moving on…

4) Killer Klowns from Outer Space

I'm not afraid of clowns, per se, but aliens - yikes!

  • Of the first four films on this list, there’s a good chance this is the only movie you’ve seen or at least know exists.  That still doesn’t make it a success.  Everybody’s heard of Sarah Palin, too.  (BONUS PARTISAN POLITICAL BURN!)

5) Drunk birthday party clown – Uncle Buck

Deleted line, so I heard - "Buck off, bucko!"

  • Now we’re getting into some well-known movies.  This John Candy classic is on the list mainly because it possibly inspired Bobcat’s Shakes (as well as giant pancakes… why am I so hungry all of a sudden).

6) The Violator a.k.a. Clown – Spawn

Apropos of nothing, John Leguizamo also starred in "The Pest"

  • This comic book character brought to life on celluloid isn’t as scary as he is gross.  Speaking of gross, remember how gross the CGI was in this film?  Relive the horror here.

7) Pennywise the Dancing Clown – IT

The source of my brother's Coulrophobia.

  • This televised miniseries based on Stephen King’s book is well-known for being the source of many twenty-somethings fear of clowns.  Also, did you know that in the book, well, I’ll let the very cool TVtropes fill you in:

Beverly Marsh has sex with the other members of the Losers Club (all six of them, one after the other, in a sewer) in order to re-forge the connection between them after defeating IT as pre-teens. It’s supposed to be a metaphor for moving from childhood to adulthood, but triggered many readers’ Squick.

8) Clown doll – Poltergeist

This one... it kinda gets me. Not a fan of ghosts.

9) Lou Craddock & crew – A Boy and His Dog

Don Johnson played the boy. I don't know who played his dog.

  • Okay.  Even though the people who lived in underground Topeka were painted more like mimes than clowns, it was still weird.

10) Captain Spaulding – House of 1000 Corpses & The Devil’s Rejects

He's as patriotic as he is psychotic.

  • With or without makeup, the leader of his so-called family sure can give Leatherface’s brood a run for the money.  And leave me running for the hills have eyes.

11) Clowning around, though not quite clowns – The Joker, Jigsaw, & Beetlejuice

jack nicholson heath ledger michael keaton tobin bell

Fairly successful as Not-Clowns

These guys are arguable as clowns.  Why?  Well Jigsaw’s a marionette, Beetlejuice is the self-proclaimed “ghost with the most,” and The Joker… well… yeah, he’s a clown.

BONUS FRIGHT:

BONUS HUMOROUS FRIGHT:

InASense, Lost… So That’s Where Santa Claus Comes From

As a kind and generous soul, I implore you – gather up your children, and together watch this origin story of Santa Claus.  Revel in the triumphs and joys of his journey from his humble beginnings in the Korvatunturi Mountains, to the plush decorative throne at your local mall and local malls around the world…

But be careful.  If you do not respect Father Christmas, this will be the outcome (if you’re lucky):

If any of the above has offended or scarred you, you’re welcome.  If you want to take matters up with the company, please feel free to contact Rare Exports, Inc by clicking on this link.

Merry Christmas, bitches!

Happy Find… People Of Public Transit

And I thought People of Walmart was Tralfamodorian zoo-worthy.  That’s probably because I live in Detroit, where we only have a People Mover* and not a subway.

Introducing… People of Public Transit!

It’s a world where this exists:

punk and hasidic jew

Does anyone else smell derivative sitcom?

And this:

big hungry girls

It's fun to pretend they're singing "Bohemian Rhapsody."

*A t-shirt that sums up the general consensus’ opinion of our beloved Detroit:

Alternate slogan: "Where the future chokes for survival."