In My Brain While Sleeping… Celebrity Wake Up Call!

I looked up wake up call. This picture of Charlize Theron was on it. I used it. Welcome to my train of thought.

I Googled wake up call. This picture of Charlize Theron showed up as a result. I used it. Welcome to my train of thought.

I know Thanksgiving is far behind us, but I wasn’t writing this blog actively then, so I need to say this now: I’m thankful for my job.  Now, I could be big about it, and be thankful mostly that I have a job, but let me be small.  I’m thankful for my job because I pretty much start whenever I want (I try to be there before 10am), and I can find time to work on this – my master-of-stolen-minutes-work.

That having been said, sometimes I do have to be responsible and wake up early.  On occasion, I’ve even had to be at a client by 7am!  The night of this dream, that was the case.

So in this dream, there was a study that was conducted, and I was privy to the results.  The study’s tagline:

Who has the most recognizable voice in the world?

I’ll save the results for after the jump…  Read More

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Bigger… And… Faster… Ah, Forget It

"Draw Your Own Conclusions" Edition

Jimmy Johnson is an NFL coach that demands hard work and speed on the field.  When off the field, he promotes Extenze (I refuse to make the Z a capital letter).

Jimmy John’s is a sandwich shop that demands hard work and speed in the field.  When in the stores, they promote hard work and speed in creating tasty sandwiches.

Here are the Urban Dictionary definitions of jimmy and johnson.

I believe there is a comedy bit in here somewhere, but I don’t feel like shuffling through the gutters of my twelve-year-old mind.

So here’s an excellent bit from the Onion.  It will be doing the heavy lifting.

Oh wait – I’ve got it!

Top Ten Things Overheard By Jimmy Johnson At A Jimmy John’s After Taking ExtenZe (Dammit Z, You Got Me!)

10) Go long!  Old habit…

9) So you’re fast?

8) Extra meat please!

7) No Slim for me!

6) I just took an ExtenZe pill!

5) No, I don’t own this place!

4) That was quick!

3) How much?

2) That much!?

1) This pill ain’t doing dick for me!

Awful Battle… Clowns On Film

Homey don't... work anymore "My Wife & Kids" went off the air.

One day at lunch, a discussion occurred that revolved around how Saturday Night Live characters had their own movies, but In Living Color did not.  We threw around Actor! names and characters, and it was decided that Damon Wayans’ Homey D. Clown might have the best shot at a movie.

But I disagreed.

Clown movies have never done well at the box office (by my summation).  Here are the ones I could think of…

1) Vulgar the Clown Vulgar

Howard Stern was repulsed by this movie.

  • This early production by Kevin Smith covered a lot of dark themes, such as clown stripping, clown rape, clown vengeance, and attempted clown murder.  Well, I don’t know if those are themes for sure, but they’re indeed dark.

2) Shakes the Clown

Adam Sandler's the clown in blue.

  • Actor! Bobcat Goldthwait wrote, directed, and starred in this film about an alcoholic clown.  He eventually would follow this one up with a film about a woman that had sex with her dog.  Moving on…

3) Escaped mental patient – Clownhouse

Creepy much?

  • Director Victor Salva went to prison for molesting his child star in this film.  I mean, he didn’t do it in this film.  It happened behind the scenes.  But not necessarily on the sets.  Once again, moving on…

4) Killer Klowns from Outer Space

I'm not afraid of clowns, per se, but aliens - yikes!

  • Of the first four films on this list, there’s a good chance this is the only movie you’ve seen or at least know exists.  That still doesn’t make it a success.  Everybody’s heard of Sarah Palin, too.  (BONUS PARTISAN POLITICAL BURN!)

5) Drunk birthday party clown – Uncle Buck

Deleted line, so I heard - "Buck off, bucko!"

  • Now we’re getting into some well-known movies.  This John Candy classic is on the list mainly because it possibly inspired Bobcat’s Shakes (as well as giant pancakes… why am I so hungry all of a sudden).

6) The Violator a.k.a. Clown – Spawn

Apropos of nothing, John Leguizamo also starred in "The Pest"

  • This comic book character brought to life on celluloid isn’t as scary as he is gross.  Speaking of gross, remember how gross the CGI was in this film?  Relive the horror here.

7) Pennywise the Dancing Clown – IT

The source of my brother's Coulrophobia.

  • This televised miniseries based on Stephen King’s book is well-known for being the source of many twenty-somethings fear of clowns.  Also, did you know that in the book, well, I’ll let the very cool TVtropes fill you in:

Beverly Marsh has sex with the other members of the Losers Club (all six of them, one after the other, in a sewer) in order to re-forge the connection between them after defeating IT as pre-teens. It’s supposed to be a metaphor for moving from childhood to adulthood, but triggered many readers’ Squick.

8) Clown doll – Poltergeist

This one... it kinda gets me. Not a fan of ghosts.

9) Lou Craddock & crew – A Boy and His Dog

Don Johnson played the boy. I don't know who played his dog.

  • Okay.  Even though the people who lived in underground Topeka were painted more like mimes than clowns, it was still weird.

10) Captain Spaulding – House of 1000 Corpses & The Devil’s Rejects

He's as patriotic as he is psychotic.

  • With or without makeup, the leader of his so-called family sure can give Leatherface’s brood a run for the money.  And leave me running for the hills have eyes.

11) Clowning around, though not quite clowns – The Joker, Jigsaw, & Beetlejuice

jack nicholson heath ledger michael keaton tobin bell

Fairly successful as Not-Clowns

These guys are arguable as clowns.  Why?  Well Jigsaw’s a marionette, Beetlejuice is the self-proclaimed “ghost with the most,” and The Joker… well… yeah, he’s a clown.



Oh, They Only Pick On You Because They’re Jealous – The Tom Cruise Story

Poor Tom Cruise… I think I’m growing a soft spot for the little guy.  Of late, he’s making the talk show circuit to promote his new movie, “Valkyrie,” and every time I’ve caught his interview, something inside me dies.

It’s pitiful, really, how much pandering he seems to have to go through to get back into the public’s good graces.  Back in the day, when he kept his life private – Mega Movie Star.  Since “meeting” Katie Holmes and doing that crazy interview on Oprah – not so much.

(Although I must say this: when I’m 44, if I hook up with a woman 16 years younger than me, I can’t promise I’m not jumping on some couches, too.  Hopefully, she’s hotter than Holmes.)

Watch his appearance on Letterman last night and tell me if it doesn’t feel like the sap just wants to be liked? 

He’s trying too hard, and it reeks of bad parental advice.  Imagine:

Mommy, they’re being mean to me at school.  I don’t think nobody likes me.

To which Mommy (a.k.a. Daddy Hubbard or Uncle Miscavige) replies:

They’re jealous, my boy.  You can’t let them get to you.  Just get back out there and be the best you you can be.  If they pick on you – ignore them.  Better yet… laugh with them.

A lot of good it did me, Mom.  All I have to show for being the best me I can be is an ass-kicking that left me with a head scar and a detached testicle.  Thanks for a lifetime of explaning why my nutsack hangs to my knees, and that no, I did not steal your _____!