the shit to just shitty

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–? Or At Least Some Sh–?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Also acceptable: image of organ grinder... but not like one you'd see in the "Saw" series...

I don’t know where to begin, so I’ll just say it…

THIS IS MY 1000th POST!

I didn’t know if I was going to do anything special, but I was informed of a little place on the TripleDoubleU called ValueTheWebsite, and I discovered these facts about monkeyBLOGmonkeyDO:

  • This site ranks as # 6,153,683 in the World (according to Alexa)
  • If I sold this site today, it’d be worth $4499!

That may not sound like much, but regular WordPress.com websites are valued at $67.  I started this site October 12, 2008, so in 845 days, I turned $67 into $4499!  That’s just over a 6700% increase!

If it was at all possible to keep this kind of growth up, in 2 years, 3 months, and 23 more days, mBmD would be valued at over $301,000…

…too bad money doesn’t exist in the TripleDoubleU.  That’s Just Shitty.

Good thing I do this all for the love…

…which is also Just Shitty.

Also, too bad I didn’t do something better than this for my 1000th post…

…it’s, well, you get the point.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Title, Mr.

Posted on by sgottahurt

The above video might not be the best way to have started this post, or it may be absolutely perfect.  (The band’s name is Mr. President, and their song Coco Jambo has over 38 million hits.  38,000,000!)

Basically, the title Mr. has taken quite the beating in recent years.  I’m not sure if the intent is to distant its association with its origin word, master, or if it’s mainly because we’ve lost all sense of formality.

Now what does this have to do with pop culture?  Everything.

When our fine country was founded, the most dignified and non-alienating title the founding fathers thought to bestow on our nation’s leader was Mr. President.  Nowadays, if you want a sure sign a movie or a TV show will suck, you put Mr. (or Mister) in the title.  It’s not an absolute, but the highs are definitely outnumbered by the lows.  I considered highlighting the highs, but it may be more fun for you to decide.

(SIDENOTE: I’d highly recommend playing Coco Jambo in the background while you read on.)

MOVIES

  • Mr. 3000
  • Mr. Baseball
  • Mr. Nice Guy
  • Mr. Wrong
  • Making Mr. Right
  • Mr. Brooks
  • Mr. Jones
  • Mr. North
  • Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
  • Mr. Bean’s Holiday
  • Mr. Holland’s Opus
  • Mr. Saturday Night
  • Mr. Mom
  • Mr. Nanny
  • Mr. Destiny
  • Mr. Woodcock
  • The Ghost and Mr. Chicken
  • The Incredible Mr. Limpet
  • Mr. Magoo
  • Mr. Smith Goes To Washington
  • The Talented Mr. Ripley
  • Fantastic Mr. Fox
  • Mr. and Mrs. Smith
  • Mr. and Mrs. Bridge
  • Mr. Deeds
  • Mr. Deeds Goes to Town
  • Mr. Nobody
  • Mr. Jealousy
  • Mr. Lucky
  • Mr. Wonderful
  • Mr. Accident
  • Mr. Murder
  • Mister Frost
  • Mister Lonely
  • Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
  • They Call Me Mister Tibbs!
  • Looking for Mr. Goodbar
  • Goodbye, Mr. Chips

TELEVISION

  • Mr. Ed
  • Mr. Belvedere
  • Mister T
  • Mr. Lucky
  • Mr. Magoo
  • Mr. Bean
  • Mr. & Mrs. Smith
  • Mr. Smith
  • Mr. President
  • Mr. Personality
  • Mr. Show
  • Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper
  • Mr. Sunshine (1986)
  • Mr. Sunshine (2011)

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… The Infamous Tropical Vacation Episode

Posted on by sgottahurt

Warning! Might cause Vincent Price to kidnap you!

I had to pick this right back up because… I didn’t have anything else to get to.

I recently touched upon the subject of tropical films and how they tend not to be very good.  How can you expect quality work while working in a quality place?

The same tends to happen on TV, when the infamous tropical vacation episodes occur, or at least they used to.

And why wouldn’t TV producers want to set the episode(s) in exotic locales?  They deserve a vacation more than the characters!

I presented it in the similar movie list as Exceptions and Rules.  This time, it’s going to be Just Shitty or The Shit.  I will not include any shows set in exotic locales, although they’ll get a special mention at the end.  And I’m sticking primarily to sitcoms, because most dramas suck anyway.

JUST SHITTY

In order of release:

 THE SHIT

So why do some work, while most didn’t?  I believe it depends on the show’s take.  For most if not all of the Just Shitty’s, the travel seemed shoehorned into a story just so everybody could go to Hawaii.  It’s especially strange that the majority of episodes occur in the beginning of the third season.

Where Friends differs is that it was “just a beach.”  Plus, it kicked off or hinted at some major series events (Monica and Chandler, anyone?), plus Joey peed on Monica.  I believe that’s a first for network television.  Scrubs celebrated the show’s upcoming finale by going to the Bahamas, and it was quite aware of what a stereotype travel episodes were.  And as for Modern Family, it just happened to be another episode (in the first season).

So in closing, if it’s a gimmick, it’s going to suck.  If it just happens to be, it may not suck, but the odds are against you.  Go on vacation in the off-season.  You don’t need to film while you’re there.

And as for shows that take place (or were filmed) in Hawaii, it’s quite the opposite:

THE SHIT

  • Magnum, P.I.
  • Hawaii Five-O (original and remake)
  • Fantasy Island (original and remake)
  • Jake and the Fatman
  • Gilligan’s Island

JUST SHITTY

  • LOST

(I could not have done this without TV Tropes.  Thanks!)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… How Video Games Could Go The Way Of The Cinema

Posted on by sgottahurt

I could start this post off with a partisan political slam, but that’s not what this site is about, so I won’t.

Instead, I will hint about it and borrow Stephen Colbert’s concept of

TRUTHINESS

because this about something I can’t prove, but it just feels right.

Allow me to begin with an image:

It's better that swallowing pennies.

What you see is a computer generated image of my gut feeling that video games may soon go the way of the cinema.

By that I don’t mean they will soon become megaplexes that take over strip malls and shut down at the earliest signs of ticket sale decline.

No, instead I feel that as new games become easier and easier to produce and replicate, the quality will decrease.

As of right now, according to some random person the video game industry releases 30 major releases per year.  That’s less than one per week.

Hollywood, on the other hand, releases at least one movie per week, and usually it’s more than that.  According to another random source, in 2007, there were 453 movies made.  That’s the amount of movies produced, and not necessarily released, but you can see the vast difference.

Now back to the gaming market.  Of those alleged “truthy” 30 games – even if there were 100 – that’s not taking into account the new outlets available.  The iPhone/iPod Touch.  Android devices.  The Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft marketplaces.  Games are being released at alarming rates, and what happens when that, um, happens?

I’ll put it in movie terms.

For every Inception, you’ll get Yogi Bear, The Last Airbender, Jonah Hex, Eat Prey Love, The Killers…

I miss the old days of the anticipation for the newest Zelda game (wait we still do) or the next Super Mario (ditto).

The long and the short of it is… creative industry insiders should take their time to make one solid film/game versus ten mediocre ones.  Let’s get back to The Shit, and far away from Just Shitty.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… No Harmonica, No Foul

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had one of two pictures to begin this post with.  I chose this:

(Please ignore the bubbles)

(SIDENOTE: The other is after the jump.)

I’ve long been a fan of the ol’ mouth organ harp, probably since I first heard it in Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues.  But through all my years, use of the ol’ juicebox has been left out to dry.

Not since Blues Traveler’s Run-Around, their infinitely better song, Hook, and Alanis Morissette’s Hand in My Pocket has a song with a harmonica solo gone mainstream.  John Popper and Alanis were topping the charts with those songs in 1994 and 95.  That’s fifteen years without a prevalent Mississippi saxophone presence.  Was it merely a mid-90’s thing?

Let’s look at earlier performances that included the tin sandwich:

The only recent hope that the Reckless Tram has had has been courtesy of Jack White (The White Stripes’ Hello Operator) and The Helio Sequences’ aptly named Harmonica Song:

Am I missing any?  (I’m sure I am.)  Is the instrument dead to the pop music scene?  Can you imagine the likes of Katy Perry, Justin Beiber, or Ke$ha sliding a foreign metal instrument across their lips?

Maybe that’s a question for an entirely different subject…

Read More

Just Sh–ty To Just Sh–tier… Political Correctness Runs (As Fast As You Can) Amuck

Posted on by sgottahurt

Gingerbread Being

This week the gingerbread man dodged a bullet in the UK.  He was thisclose to being furthermore referred to as (heaven forbid) a gingerbread person.  But this got me thinking:

Where would this kind of political correctness take us next?

  • Could we no longer go “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” since it’s insensitive to cuckoo people?

Sonny through the years, starting with a pink and white shirt, then nude, and finally whatever the current incarnation is wearing...

  • Would the Kool Aid Man become the Kool Aid Douchebag?

Too late...

  • What would become of McDonald’s beloved character, Grimace?

"Grimambiguous?"

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty And A Hibbidy-Wah?! WTF Is Hulk Hogan Doing?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t mean to go and spoil the below video, but spoil you I must:

Hulk's showing off his real American.

What in the flying fuck is this not only doing in a promo for a stupid looking video game, but why in the flying suplex is Hulk Hogan pulling out his thumb wrestler in front of his daughter Brooke?!  Whether it’s real or not, it’s really dumb for real.

This could have also been filed under from The Shit To Just Shitty… behold:

  • The Shit
  • Just Shitty



Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… Michelle Pfeiffer, Amazingly

Posted on by sgottahurt

Before

For whatever reasons between then and now, I was never a huge Michelle Pfeiffer fan.  Audiences saw pretty and pensive Actor!; I saw someone that reminded me of someone in my life I couldn’t quite stand.

So that catches us up to now.  Having recently gotten into Netflix (as opposed to buying everything on DVD that I planned on seeing), I’ve found myself on strange viewing tangents.

Recently, I’ve gone from a documentary on Ozploition (Not Quite Hollywood) to a film featured in that doc (Dead End Drive-In) to a poster featured in that flick (Into the Night) to becoming a fan of its star and ingenue, Michelle Pfeiffer.

With that film, I was finally able to see what the American public (and People Magazine) always saw in her, and I decided to see all the early works in her filmography.  So I started with Grease 2, and that means I bore witness… to this:

Song-writing aside – and believe me, the music was completely Crisco bacon-fat in a coffee can to Grease – I’m amazed she had a career at all after, ugh, Cool Rider.

And that’s speaks volumes to her skills as an Actor! I may even be so kind as to eliminate the sarcastic italics and !

After

SIDENOTE: The only song worse than anything from Grease 2 is Everything is Food from Popeye (only watch if you hate yourself):

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Weezer, Apparently

Posted on by sgottahurt

Would you raise $10,000,000 to make this go away?

"Hurley"

Well, not the actor Jorge Garcia, per sé, but the band that produced the above CD, Weezer.

Now before I go on and on about how this guy James Burns is trying to do just that, raise ten million bucks to force Rivers Cuomo and crew to disband their band, I should let it be known that I was going to list plenty of other performers I would pay to stop:

  • Green Day
  • Blink-182
  • Creed

I was going to go as far as listing artists like Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, but other sites have done this.

So now inspired by James Burns movement, and Weezer’s latest album cover, I propose this:

How about we raise $10,000,000 to film a different finale for LOST?

Who’s with me?  That show unraveled faster than a sweater and had me screaming, “Say it ain’t so!”

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… When Life Gives You Mormons, Make (Sorta) Porn!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t think it’s particular to Mormons, but maybe adhering to its rules (beliefs?) (doctrines?) (bat-shit crazy guidelines?) is strictly Mormon.  A guy that couldn’t look at porn devised a work around dubbed bubbling.  Basically, it’s an optical illusion – and a fair effective one.

But I prefer the old Catholic way… look at real porn and feel guilty about it.

One last side prayer:

Please let these girls be legal.

(More images here)