In My Brain While Sleeping… My Job As A David E. Kelley Show

fyvushfinkel

The second job I ever had was at a medical center for a major hospital (my first job was at a toy store).  I worked there just over six years, and the staff saw me through two graduations and a move from Detroit to L.A.  In this dream, I had returned to the facility (which no longer exists in real-life).  It was in the same location but major remodeling updates had occurred, such as having wood floors throughout, an updated kitchen, and forest green walls with better than average art hanging on them.

I remember walking through as if it was filmed, and it felt like a David E. Kelley show (“Boston Legal,” “Ally McBeal,” the awesome “Chicago Hope,” “Picket Fences,” “L.A. Law,” home sex movies with wife Michelle Pfeiffer).

I was the generic perspective guy through whom the viewers relate.  I kept checking out the new looking digs, expecting a big homecoming, trying to run into people that might have remembered me.  I saw a few doctors and medical assistants I knew, but they were busy heading between rooms.  Otherwise, through the back hallways, I encountered new faces that were basically upgrades of people that came before.

The show jumped into action once I reached the front desk where I worked as a customer service rep.  My uncles, Fred and Richard, were doctors for some reason, and Danny Glover (pictured below) was a special guest star.

The scene went like this: Doctor Uncle Fred brought me the billing sheet for one of his patients.  The patient had a co-pay of $5 which my uncle knocked down to $3.  Doctor Uncle Richard stepped in to pay the remainder, to help the guy out.  I guess he was an old friend of the pair that had fallen on hard times.  The man also had his two moppet sons with him.

Danny Glover, a fellow CSR, took issue with it.  “I don’t care if it’s hard times or not!  You have to do what you must!  You stop buying the fancy things you don’t need.  You make bread instead of going out and buying it.  You fish instead of going on vacation!”  After the patient left, someone informed Danny that the man lived in a car with his sons.

Cut to: Fyvush Finkel (pictured above – a Kelley recurring player).  He’s an older doctor that’s just been told his wife of 50 years is leaving him when we meet him.  Also, she’s stolen all his belongings and money.  He clutches a forest green wall in disbelief.  The hallway he’s in seem to converge and narrow as he stumbles down it toward his office.

Cut to: me at the front desk trying to remember how to do things.  When I was there before, it was all on paper.  Now everything was digital.  A patient came in that had a specimen to deliver with a message.  As I looked for the old forms we took messages on, the patient revealed the specimen was anthrax.

Then I woke up.  The end.

INGREDIENTS: Late night Taco Bell run, for sure.

danny_glover

I Am Thankful For… Hard Salami

Is it so wrong that I want to stuff you in my mouth?

Is it so wrong that I want to stuff you in my mouth?

To begin, turkey has somehow become the big brother of Thanksgiving feasts (ham is the little brother).  I’m sure there’s a very good folk tale/reason why turkeys have taken the head spot despite having no head, but I don’t really feel like looking into it. 

(Okay, I did look into it, but it’s a little boring.  It involves some queen of England eating a goose and the Pilgrims finding turkeys in America easier… blah, blah, blah.  I did learn that wild turkeys can run up to 55 miles an hour, though.)

If there could be a middle brother, though, allow me to suggest this – hard salami. 

You may wonder, “Why hard salami?”  I say, “Because.”  If you’re lucky to already have hard salami as a part of your holiday meal, then you can stop reading.  For those that don’t understand… here is my back up response to because:

  • Even though it thinks it’s hard, it’ s really easy.
  • It’s like giant pepperonis, but better.  (And I sure love me some pepperoni.)
  • I don’t know what they put in it, and I don’t want to know.  It keeps it mysterious.
  • I could eat it every single day, even if faced against something from Taco Bell.  (Only if either item was free, though.  If I had to pay, I’m sure the Taco Bell would be cheaper and thus win.)
  • It’s great with mozzarella on a plain bagel.  Trust me.
  • I bet it would be Jack Bauer’s favorite food.

(SIDENOTE: When Google image searching “hard salami,” I was afraid of what might come up.  The following was a pleasant surprise.)

Rachel Bilson... hard salami...too easy.

Rachel Bilson... hard salami...too easy.

Here’s Some Tasty Competition, Taco Bell! (I Still <3 U)

La Shish kabob-bye!

La Shish kabob-bye!

I always pass closed La Shish restaurants in my travels, and it makes me sad that shady underpinnings (a euphemism for alleged terrorist funding if there ever was one) forced them to go, um, under.  Although I’d eaten at one of the original restaurants more than once (I assume that either of the Michigan Avenue locations in Dearborn was the first), I always thought it would be great that a local Arab cuisine could go national as a chain.

Oh well.  C’est la shish…  Other versions of La Shish have popped up in its place, even stealing its logo design, but they don’t have the same momentum as the original.  That is why I suggest going another route and follow My Taco Bell Plan.

In only one weekend, I can train any entrepreneur how to climb that mountain of creating a monster franchise and ring that bell at the top!

  • Step 1)  You need a catchy name.  Witness how Taco Bell rolls off the tongue.  Taaaaco Bell, Taaacooo Belllll.  La Shish worked well, but it name is tarnished.  My suggestion: Kebob Stop.  My other client, Dim Sum Gong, is already achieving some success.
  • Step 2) Ah, not so fast… you’re going to have to subscribe to my program to learn the rest.  For a flat fee of $20,000, I will teach you details to secrets like these: Lego style food design (Taco Bell makes, like, 30 dishes out of, like, eight items), signing a deal with PepsiCo (you have to get Mt. Dew, I promise you), and After Hours marketing (drinking and fast food go hand-in-hand… as does anonymous sex).

I’m also looking for developers for my Pierogi To Go and Taka Sushi restaurants.  Act now!

JusWondering… Can “Demolition Man” Be Right About Taco Bell?

Tacotacotacotacotacotacotaco Bell, Ding Ding!

Tacotacotacotacotacotacotaco Bell, Ding Ding!

For some people, getting recognized at any local establishment might be embarrassing.  For me, it’s something I strive for.  I like being a regular.  I enjoy the “Norm”-factor. On the bar scene, it’s great.  At a Taco Bell?  I might have to admit that I have a spicy meat and waxy cheese problem.

It occurred this past week when I got to the window.  The attendant remembered me and joked that my soda had “extra ice, just how you like it.”  Simply because I always order a #8 soft shell with a Mt. Dew no ice, and I have my four dollars and two cents in exact change, that doesn’t make me an addict.  And even if it does, it’s not my fault.  It’s because all those other asshole places don’t have as winning a strategy as my beloved Taco Bell.

  • First off: very few joints have my Spruce Juice.  It’s a Pepsi product, and since Coke is uber-global, the only other place I can Do the Dew is at KFC or Quizno’s. 
  • Second off: it’s a matter of price.  If I don’t go the soda route at the drive-thru (because I’m already packing), how can you beat $2.52 for a meal?  Well, except for a double dose of Mickey D’s double-cheeseburgers.  (Really, they should be cheese doubleburgers, right?)  Still, a meal and a drink for $4.02?  Zno’s and KuFCa are like MC Hammer in that “They do want they wanna do, say what they wanna say, live how they wanna live, play how they wanna play, dance how they wanna dance, kick and they slap a friend…” (Oh!  You thought it was going to be “They can’t touch this!”  That would have been better.)
  • Third off (a.k.a. the Bra-Layer, whereas the first would be shirt, and the second would be pants): the meat is a crap shoot.  Wait – that sounds terrible.  What I mean is, sometimes you might get jacked on the amount of beef or cheese you get, and sometimes you get hooked the f up.  It mixes gambling and eating and I like it!

All in all, I’m down with TB.  And I don’t care if I’m a regular.  I’ll be happy if it wins the “Franchise Wars.”  Now if you’ll excuse me – I just finished eating some Grande Soft Tacos and I have to go poop.