Musical Musings… Sir Charles = Saint Nick, At Least According To Taco Bell

Immediately upon hearing the song in this commercial, I liked it:

It’s infectious, it’s about my favorite fast food joint, and it’s… Christmas-y?

The jingling in the background of the “rap” sounds like this to me:

Happy Find… 2012 Preview Re-Edits

Some people believe that the world is going to end December 21, 2012.  I, on the other hand, think it already has.  Why else would Taco Bell have gotten rid of chili cheese burritos? (NOTE: I considered innumerable options for this “joke,” but the truth is that I really really loved their chili cheese burritos…)

Anychuro, the new movie 2012 is going to be unleashed upon us well before then.  Everyone that will see it will be seeing it because of the special effects, and not the actors or their acting.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s the trailer with all the destruction edited out:

BONUS VIDEO: A recut of the preview as if it was 70’s Grindhouse film.  Enjoy.

BONUS PLEA: If anyone out there has any pull at Taco Bell, it would give me new hope to know that they might bring chili cheese burritos back.  I mean, seriously, what did chili ever do to you, Taco Bell?  You can have potatoes and bacon, and not chili?  You can even have BellHedz and not chili?!

See, even he looks upset you don't have chili cheese burritos...

See, even these guys look upset you don't have chili cheese burritos anymore...

JusWondering… Can You Get Drunk Off Milk?

For the month of May I’ve decided to cut out some of the things that have made my life worth living… Taco Bell, Mt. Dew, beer, um, Taco Bell, Mt. Dew, and beer, yeah…

So far, four days in, I’ve managed to keep up with the plan and maintain the social habits in which my usuals are consumed.

  • Friday – MGM Casino and Detroit Tigers’ game (drunk kids behind us would have been more fun had I also been smashed)
  • Saturday – My brother’s play (totally would have drank afterwards normally, but it was actually really entertaining)
  • Sunday – My friend’s softball game (I’m the scorekeeper, usually armed with a pen in one hand and a beer in the other) 
  • Today – 80’s Night at Comerica Park (booze fest, natch)

Yet alas, here I am, prodding through with my plan, having nightmares about caving in and drinking Mt. Dew (seriously), getting tempted like crazy.

But something strange has been occurring the last few nights.  As I sit down on my couch to prepare for a late night, pre-bedtime viewing of TV shows on DVD (just finished the hilarious It’s Always Sunny in PhiladelphiaBurn Notice is next), I’ve been partaking of a glass or two of low fat organic milk.  And after drinking that second glass, I’ve been feeling a wee bit tipsy.

So I decided to investigate if this was a phenomenon, or merely something in my head.  I remember in the short-lived comic book, X-Nation 2099, the mutants would get drunk off of milk.  So why can’t I?

There are many cases of infantile beriberi (kakke) in Japan. In most instances the mother of the afflicted infant has beriberi. However, sometimes the mother is healthy (concealed beriberi). Ito observed such a case in which the mother did not have beriberi and called the condition “mother’s milk intoxication.” But he afterward changed this name to “breast milk intoxication” because he saw cases in babies who were nourished with the milk of wet-nurses.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is very provocative in its media campaign about milk, but it is correct in its message. Beer is indeed better than milk for health, as are both wine and distilled spirits.

  • Doing too many shots of milk produces the same result as too many shots of liquor:
  • Bill Murray drinks a glass of warm milk before he goes to bed.

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Drunken Recollection… Return Of The Hangover

On the taxi ride from Tom’s Restaurant back to East Village, Steve passed out quickly, and not soon after, I followed suit.  Tim bid us farewell, and I remained awake for our ride back to Midtown.  The taxi that narrowly missed crashing into the backseat where I was sitting probably helped…


Upon reaching our final destination without reaching the final destination, Steve decided he wanted some more food.  I think I agreed.  We remembered seeing a Taco Bell on our way to the pizzeria the day before, so we ambled forth in search of late night seasoned beef and cheese and tortillas and rice…

The next morning, after awakening in our dirty Snuggies, we tried recalling the run for the border.  We remembered that it was more like a regular deli that had a Taco Bell in the back.  The Taco Bell was closed, yet the front remained in business.  Weird.  Steve didn’t think he purchased any food, and I cannot confirm or deny that fact, but I do know he inquired about it.

Steve – “How much for pizza?”

Worker – “$3.50 a slice.”

Steve – “I’ll give you three for a half.”

The rest is fuzzy, and so was Steve.  He wasn’t feeling too hot on the morning of our ride home, whereas this time, I felt fine.  Upon learning of my faux pas regarding the hot dog joint/secret bar, we made the decision to seek it out properly before leaving.  We had to know if it truly did exist.

So on the way to the subway station at Times Square, we stopped at this place to get cupcakes:

"No doubt that bakery’s got all da bomb frostins/ I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling." RIP "The Notebook" Love

"No doubt that bakery’s got all da bomb frostins/ I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling." RIP "The Notebook" Love

While outside enjoying “da bomb frostins,” we bore witness to a scene straight out of Police Academy.  A short cop was surrounded by tall European women,  in their late teens to mid-twenties (with an elder or two over-seeing them), and he was posing for pictures with them. 

There were well over a dozen of them (a baker’s dozen?), and he had to make sure there was variety in his stylings.  When Steve and I walked into Magnolia, he was letting them put on his hat and hold his night stick.  When we were eating, he was fastening handcuffs on one of the girls.  I just imagined that if he was called for an emergency, he’d leave her behind locked up.

From there, we took the subway to Union Square, and met up with Tim and Mike again.  Tim was excited and had this to say:

I’ve finally made a union with someone at Union Square.

Anyhotdog, our final mission before leaving NYC was to locate this secret bar.  It was not far from our point of departure the night before, and here’s what we found:

Not too be confused with Mark's Place.

Not too be confused with Mark's Place.

Once inside, I stared at the counter of the narrow establishment seeking out the phone booth that would lead us to the bar called P.D.T. (Please Don’t Tell).  I turned left, and there it was:

Get Smart... or Superman?

Get Smart... or Superman?

I pushed open the door, and the guy behind the counter told me it didn’t open until six.  Bummer city.

Lift the receiver and wait for approval to enter the secret bar.

Lift the receiver and wait for approval to enter the secret bar.

We ordered some dogs.  I had mine made Seattle-style, in honor of this upcoming weekend’s trip.  (It’s cream cheese on a hot dog in a bun.)  From there, we made our way back to Madison Square Garden and Penn Station.  And from there back to Newark, and then back




In My Brain While Sleeping… The Rise Of Cobra (Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter)

In one of my dreams last night, I watched/participated in the new G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie.

It began rather inoccuously, meaning it didn’t seem at all like G.I. Joe.  There was a compound and the team was being built.  It was comprised of a bunch of your movie stereotypes (which I won’t go into because it doesn’t bode well for my subconscious).  I remember a moment where a group of us were in a steel-decor room and cardboard boxes full of ammo rested on the center table.  The captain or general or secretary (I don’t recall) said “Go!” and everyone lunged for the weapons like they were candy, stuffing grenades, guns, and dynamite in their pockets.

I wore a jacket comparable to this one (based on my real-life coat, also from American Eagle):

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

I also think that the compound was somehow connected to a resort, like in the old episodes of Get Smart.  The reason I bring this up is because at one point, after a member of my team falls through a concealed trap door, in searching for him, we fall through a similar hinged entrance.

We end up trapped with our fallen friend in a room on the resort side.  The windows are shatter-proof and there are no doors.  We can’t escape.  Then through the windows, we see a couple that I apparently met earlier.  They open the window from a latch outside, but they won’t let us out unless we can name who’s singing the song coming from their bedroom TV next door.

Right away, I know who it is: Shania Twain, and she’s doing a duet with Eurotrash superstar (?) Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw… (I don’t know exactly – it was some weird dream name).

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

The couple let us out, and I ran to the TV because it was one of my favorite videos.  This guy was singing the duet with Shania:

Actor: Peter Stormare!
Actor: Peter Stormare!

Anyyojoe… my team ends up getting shipped out to do battle with Cobra, and it’s at this point that I realize I watching/participating in the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie and I’m pissed!  It took this long to get to any battles?! 

There was a car chase that lead to a field with way too many chain link fences.  Bullets!  Bombs!  Explosions!

I was about to get captured/killed when I realized I had one of those hypersuits (whatever the fuck they’re wearing in this preview), and I started leaping and hopping about, between crater blasts and flimsy fences.  Something trips me and I land at the feet of a guy dressed like this:

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

As I struggle to get to my feet, he removes his mask, and lo!  Who is it?

Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw…

I walked out of the movie/woke up because I thought it was stupid.

INGREDIENTS: Working 13 hours (and until 1am), 2 Cheesy Double Beef Burritos, 1 24oz. bottle of none other than Mt. Dew

Drunken Recollection… Drinking Math Still Sucks

Math is fun (yeah, right).  And as I’ve mentioned before, drinking math is not.

So today, I’m just going to lay out some basic numbers when it comes to me and my imbibing.

  • Number of miles that I’m able to handle a hangover: 21.44
  • Maximum number of hours I can handle working: 6.5
  • Maximum number of hours I can handle drinking: 8
  • Percentage of beer left in bottle before I order next bottle: 50
  • Number of days per week I’m at the bar: 4
  • Number of days per weekend I’m at the bar: 1
  • Average time I should stay at each bar on St. Patrick’s Day: 2
  • Amount of bars I would like to visit on St. Patrick’s Day: 6
  • Amount of bars I will actually visit on St. Patrick’s Day: 3, tops

Also, here’s a chart I made based on many experiences:

Dmitri Martin eat your Taco Bell heart out!

Demetri Martin eat your Cheesy Double Beef Burrito out!

JusWondering… What Will Tomorrow/Today Bring?

My experiment for the day (the day being Tuesday, or today as you may be reading this now, or long ago on a random winter Tuesday if you find this in the future – ah, you get the idea)…

I am going to guess the events of my tomorrow tonight.

For work, I am set to go on a road trip to Ohio, and it’s been yeeeaaaarssss since I’ve been able to do this.  I have my iPod charged, my Mt. Dew and water bottles ready for the drive, the car loaded with supplies, and… okay, I know Ohio isn’t far from me in Detroit and Findlay isn’t that far into Ohio, but it’s still great to get away.  Here’s my planned/hoped itinerary:

6 am – My alarm will start going off.  It’s actually 5:42 am because I set my alarm ahead 18 minutes to get me two extra nine minute snoozes (I’m a snooze addict).

7:12 am – I will consider starting to get moving, but I’ll remember the clock is fast and I know I can get another two snoozes in.

7:30 am – I will kick on the radio, grab a Pop Tart (I’ll consider the Hot Fudge Sundae, but will go with the Chocolate Fudge considering it’s not as messy), and pore some organic milk (see Theory Sheet up above for reason why).

8:15 am– A shower, a toothbrushing, a drying, and a dressing later, I will be hitting the road, and moving off alarm clock time.

early 9 o’clock hour – I will see a Denny’s restaurant and evaluate my hunger and time frame levels.  Denny’s is supposed to be giving out free Grand Slams from 6am to 2pm.  I will suspect that I am not hungry due to the Pop Tart and will keep on trucking.


around 10 am – I’ll be arriving at the client, ready to perform the job at hand.  I’m slated for six hours of setting up equipment and running wires.

around 10:15 am – I will find out there is some catch to the wiring job, i.e. there is no ladder, no drop ceiling… something that will put a snag in the time frame.

around 10:20 am – I will come up with some workaround.

around noon – I’ll realize I haven’t eaten since 7:30 am (7:12 am real time).  I’ll consider leaving to grab a bite, but I’ll be in the middle of something and decide to work through it.

around 1 pm – I’ll call the Detroit office because the planned connection between locations will have some type of issue.

around 2 pm– Another surprise – spyware is on a pc!

around 3 pm – I’m really starving, but the end is in sight!

around 4 pm – I’ll be packing up equipment for the ride home.  I’ll be wishing I stopped at Denny’s.

around 5:30 pm – After making it through a slight traffic jam in near Bowling Green (and stopping at the Meijer store located there for no reason), I’ll see the Denny’s I should have stopped at, and stop at a Taco Bell instead.

around 7 pm– I’ll finally arrive home, and realize I didn’t get a chance to write an entry for my other blog, Old Men at the Bar, because I was too tired for it last night/right now (how meta).

around 8 pm – I’ll realize there’s nothing on TV I want to watch, and I’ll be glad that I saved the last DVD from the 3rd Season of Weeds for tonight.  I’ll hope there’s more than two episodes left, because I’m hoping that right now.  A few minutes into the show, I’ll pause it and grab my laptop and write a post to see how the day compared to my expectations.

See you again tomorrow!  (Wednesday!)  (That random winter Wednesday long ago!)

My Heart(s) All A Twitter

There’s some things that are popular that I get, and there are somethings I don’t.  Then there are some I’m afraid to look too into out of fear of never escaping.  Such a curious mind can leave you with dementied brain dents you can never straighten out (I have four – FOUR* – images burnt into my retinas that will never leave me just because I had to go poking around on the TripleDoubleU).  And then there’s always the possibility of addiction (see my Songsmith post below).

And that, dear friends, is why I avoid things like Facebook and Twitter.  This WordPress blog is consuming enough.  One of my friends, Aaron, just started a Facebook profile and he’s spiraling down the drain like a dead goldfish in a toilet.

What I decided to do was test out the concept of Twitter, which is mini-blog you maintain through out the day.  How about you better explain it, Mr. Wiki:

Twitter is a free social networking and micro-blogging service that allows its users to send and read other users’ updates (otherwise known as tweets), which are text-based posts of up to 140 characters in length.

Okay, so pretty much what I said, not counting that mini vs. micro prefix.  So to illustrate how busy I am on a random day at work, allow me to present my Twitter test run.

10:35amI’m at a client cleaning spyware.  Hearts kicked my ass, but not bad enough for me to quit.  Is it bad that I quit when I’m losing?

11:27am – I answered questions after figuring out what was asked.  I held a door for a woman and she said there are still gentlemen in this world.

11:45amI was going to let a semi merge in front of me on freeway.  I used to battle truckers.  Since I’m nice now I think they look out for me.

12:02pmAt office, a minivan took its sweet time parking so I cut it off for the good spot.  So much for being a gentleman.  I had 2 pc’s to carry.

12:21pmProper restroom etiquette occurred whilst kids dropped off at pool.  Cannot linger when another is in the stall… it’s just not cool.

12:38pmHave to upgrade my copy of Quickbooks, but CD is in another pc.  Too lazy to get up.  Remoting in to share drive and install.  Win!

1:06pmAt Taco Bell (‘natch) some dude stole my cheesy double beef burritos from counter!  Was it a scam or coincidence?  I’m thinking scam.

1:39pmAt Best Buy wrestled with buying Prince of Persia for $40.  Prince of Persia won.

2:13pmMeaning to look into Drunken Recollection from last night.  Does blood thin in summer and thicken in winter?  Nurse/cousin Liz says no.

2:15pm –  Nurse/cousin Liz is right:

2:31pmDave at work asks if I’d rather see Donkey Punch (again) or Street Fighter Chun Li.  I pick Donkey Punch.

2:32pmDave then asks if I’d rather see Donkey Punch or Tyler Perry movie.  I say Family that Preys got good reviews, so that, but not Madea.

2:33pmDave then asks if I’d rather see Street Fighter or Pink Panther 2.  I say Pink Panther… barely.

2:54 pmA brand new pc’s Windows is missing so I run the restore.  While it’s restoring, I work on this entry.  I think I might like Twitter.

*Some may say “Just four?” but these four are enough for me.

Mr. Roarke Is No Moare

Ricardo Montalban, aged 88, has passed away.  He is best known for portraying Mr. Roarke on “Fantasy Island” and Khan in the second “Star Trek” film (and, of course, the original series, duh).

My lasting memory of him will remain in the form of this commercial that mixes two of my favorite things – Taco Bell and talented lions (which Detroit is in great need of):

If I had known you were still around recently, you would be greatly missed.  May you please settle for moderately missed.
Hopefully that's what's awaiting you big guy... not another you... ah, forget it

Hopefully, that's what's awaiting you, big guy... no, not another you... ah, forget it

All I Want For Christmas Is… A New Fast Food Joint

How about Pasta La Feasta's instead?

How about Pasta La Feasta's instead?

About a month ago, when I realized I had become a drive-thru regular at Taco Bell, I created a post that gave a few ideas to entrepreneurs for new restaurant chains (Kabob Stop, Dim Sum Gong, Pierogi To Go, and Taka Sushi).

After having some time to think, and after getting sick of my same old options (Wendy’s, KFC, Arby’s, the aforementioned Bell, Culver’s, Burger King, Quizno’s, Jimmy Johns, Potbelly, Qdoba, National Coney Island, Kerby Coney Island, CiCi’s, A&W, Mickey D’s, and Hungry Howies), I’m really craving a change.

They tried putting in a Del Taco nearby my work (ugh) and the nearest Sonic is still a good 40 miles away.

What I think is missing (besides the places I created) is a fast food Italian cuisine.  Fazoli’s was the closest thing we had to that, and although it wasn’t the absolute greatest, it worked.  Too bad they shut ’em all down in Michigan.

If anyone wants to take me up on my ideas, go for the Polish one first.  I probably won’t eat at the other places anyway.