Christmas time is here, and so are mother fucking annoying commercials.
To begrudgingly begin, this ad from Verizon is way more annoying in its condensed radio form, but you can get the gist of it from this tube promo. Whoever thought of taking Madness’ Our House and turning it into a hybrid holiday ditty featuring British-sounding hooligans should be run over by Santa’s sleigh. That rusty ol’ magical blade right over their carotid artery would make my mistletoes tingle:
This one isn’t as holiday apparent, but it’s still hawking phones. Who gives telecommunication devices as gifts? Who puts some song that sounds like it’s sung by Lisa Simpson in their ad?
This one is off the radio, and it boils my blood like I’d been in a microwave. It makes absolutely no sense, because not one bit of it ties together. I’m sorry that I can’t get any angrier. I feel dead inside:
I also wanted to mention that although I don’t mind Doug Benson most of the time, commercials for his new show, The Benson Interruption, drive me up the wall. There are no videos online for me to share, so I made this instead:
This dream happened to be a spanning, time looping dream à la Timecrimes, an interesting if not perfect Spanish film involving, um, time looping.
I was on a college campus trying to kill my other selves, contemplating the dynamics of it. Am I the proper incarnation? Can all the versions coexist? Am I committing suicide if I exterminate an alternate me? (Heavy stuff for a sleeping noggin.)
Anyexistentialism, the entire episode finished at the student center bookstore which had a McDonald’s in it. The banner above the Golden Arches read, “Now serving Subway subs and Pepsi Golden!”
I was excited to order a Pepsi Golden, thinking it was beer. It was just yellow Pepsi.
And in case you were wondering what it tasted like – carbonated cake batter.
DREAM INGREDIENTS: Back-to-back soccer games… and four pints of Guinness
This one was a doozy. It started with Jerry Mathers having his own talk show, named after the remake/update of his old show. Problems were occurring on set between him and the crew, so they replaced him with Willie Aames.
Insert: Buddy... is in charge now bitch!
Things weren’t going that well for him once he took over either. He had all kinds of demands and rage fits (in retrospect, I’m beginning to think the crew was the problem).
How they decided to sabotage Willie was to have Subway sponsor a fund raiser he was hosting at a cancer center. The catch: Subway canned their $5 Foot Long campaign for a new one…
There Willie Aames is... get him!
Seriously… this was my dream.
INGREDIENTS: Peanut butter on a bagel, way too much blog reading