A Handful Of… Characters That Fear Water

Water… is life.

Water… is cleansing.

Water… is wet.  What else can I say?

For these characters in TV and film, water is only wet.  Lame opening?  Waterever.

Here are A Handful Of characters that fear H2O.

  • Mogwai named Gizmo

This poor little guy can’t even drink beer without spawning bastard siblings.

Yes, I've used that joke before.

  • The Wicked Witch of the West

I wonder if Glenda the Good Witch could get wet.  Maybe that came out wrong.  That was still a bad choice of words…

"I really like Arby Meltings, I'm Meltings..."

  • Pigpen

Water would only turn this Peanuts character into Muddy.

The Muddy pun would have went better if his name was Dusty.

  • Aliens

When you’re an alien that has acid blood, you avoid getting open wounds around water.

"I'd rather have ice in my veins..."

When you’re an alien that’s skin is so sensitive to water that it’s like acid, you avoid planets and creatures composed mostly of water.  Or so you’d think…

"If I had ice in my veins, I'd die... Waah..."

  • Jason Voorhees

Maybe he didn’t fear water so much before… you know…

"Hey mom, look at me! I'm splashing!"

  • Tim Burton’s version of evolved Apes

Take it guy from this blog post:

Apes, for some reason, are deathly afraid of water, because in all their evolving they have never learned to swim. In fact, they are so afraid of water that when Mark Wahlberg is running away from them, across a river, he is literally only a few steps into the water when the apes stop pursuing them. The idea seems to be that they are afraid of drowning, but apparently they are afraid of getting wet at all. Ummm… okay.

"Orangutan I didn't say banana? Get it?"

  • Ringwraiths

I guess there’s a bunch of debating about the portrayal of these characters in the Lord of the Ring films, but by my summation, they’re afraid of water.  It’s an elemental thing.

"It's also a horse-shaped tidal wave drowning us thing..."

  • 6th Graders

This video will prove it once and for all:

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Musical Musings… How Could I Have Mixed These Bands Up?

It’s funny that I was confusing this band

hedley

called Hedley with this band

deadsy

called Deadsy when I heard this song by Hedley (seriously fuck Universal Music Group and their disabled embedding!) and confused it with the stylings of this song by Deadsy:

At least I didn’t confuse either band with this group

faith1

or these odd orange guys (if you only watch one video on this page, make it this one):

INTERESTING FACTS

  • Deadsy’s lead singer, P. Exeter Blue I, is Cher’s son, Elijah Blue Allman
  • Hedley’s lead singer, Jacob Hoggard, placed third on Canadian Idol.
  • Faith+1’s debut album sold one million copies and “went myrrh.”
  • Deadsy’s album Commencement is still the only CD that I bought and gave away.  Prong’s Cleansing is the only cassette tape to share that honor.
  • Hedley, British Columbia was once for sale at a price tag of $346,000.  Not sure if that’s in US or Canadian dollars, but the band was named for the city.
  • b4-4 is also from Canada, and they have to be like totally gay, eh?  When the trio broke up, two stayed together and formed the band, RyanDan.  It’s named after themselves, for Faith+1’s sake!  (Okay, I guess they’re twins, but still…)

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Michael Jackson Cartoon Clips

Tact is not in my boss Paul’s vocabulary.  It wasn’t even when while we are friends.  In memory of Michael Jackson, here’s some of his favorite depictions… from two shows.

Top 5 Michael Jackson Cartoon Clips

5. South Park
Blanket can fly, “That’s ignorant,” and who has whose nose?

4. Family Guy
The dancer, the legend, and his crotch.

3. Family Guy
Captain EO is “coming right at me!”

2. South Park
“I’d like to show you my wishing tree!”

1. South Park
“You’re so awesome, Mr. Jefferson!  I’ve got time, do you?”

(My Boss) Paul’s Top Five List… Punk Covers Of 80’s Songs

99 Red Bowling Shirts

99 Red Bowling Shirts

Aaah, the 80’s.  They’re definitely Generation X (and sometimes Y)’s version of our parents and their nostalgic-laden 60’s.  And since my boss, Paul, and I are huge fans of living in the past, Paul thought he’d double-dip in the ethers of remember-when, and present this list:

Top 5 Punk Covers of 80’s Songs

5. Smooth Criminal – Alien Ant Farm
“I was never a big Michael Jackson fan, especially his late 80’s work, but this version makes this song listenable.”

4. Boys of Summer – The Ataris
“While Don Henley’s original has some 80’s nostalgia to it, this is by far a better version.”

3. Come On Eileen – Save Ferris
“Awesome remake by this ska band wit the lead vocal hottie. I can actually understand Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ lyrics with this version.” [Ed. – When I saw saw them in concert, “vocal hottie” Monique Powell had this joke to say:]

What’s worse than Grease on Olivia Newton-JohnCome on Eileen!

2. Take On Me – Reel Big Fish
“One of the best ska bands from the 90’s doing the #1 80’s Hit from A-Ha.  Also, it was featured in the South Park creators’ movie, Baseketball.” [For those stuck more in the 80’s than us, those creators would be none other than Trey Parker and Matt Stone, natch. – Ed.]

1. 99 Red Balloons – Goldfinger
“One of my favorite punk bands doing one the the better songs from the 80’s by Nena.”

JusWondering… What Do Hackman, Rudd, The Gute, And The Mac Guy Have In Common?

In response to the post title’s inquiry:  they’re all… Actors!

Here’s a couple things I’ve been JusWondering about each.

1) Gene Hackman

"Men at Work 2: Trash Tweens"

"Men at Work 2: Trash Tweens"

Whatever happened to Gene “Hack Man” Hackman?  Why hasn’t he been acting lately?  The last film he appeared in was Welcome to Mooseport, and heaven forbid something happens to him, but does an actor of his caliber really want his swan song to be a co-starring vehicle with the guy that played a CGI mammoth?  Personally, I think he’s better than most of the Actors! of his generation… mostly because he was Lex Luthor and Popeye Doyle.  And of course, Royal Tenenbaum.

2) Paul Rudd/Steve Guttenberg

The Rudd meets the Gute, and it was "Grute"

The Rudd meets the Gute, and it was "Grute"

Paul Rudd reminds my mother of Steve Guttenberg, for some reason.  Though I would have to admit that if they when they remake Police AcademyRudd would make a great Mahoney

I also think he would make a great Krull, if that’s what the main character’s name was.  If Krull is the blue guy, the chick, or the kick-ass weapon, then no.  All I remember about Krull is that kick-ass weapon.

I should have Photoshopped Rudd into this, but I'm lazy.

I should have Photoshopped Rudd into this, but I'm lazy.

3) Justin Long

justin_long

He Longs for a major hit.

How about this guy and his scene stealing?  I don’t think he works as well as a lead (Accepted or Waiting…), or as well as an assistant lead (Live Free or Die Hard), but in bit parts… he shines.  Since I was initially amused by him in Galaxy Quest, he’s eaten the scenery (and his co-stars) in The Break Up, Idiocracy, Walk Hard, and Zack and Miri Make a PornoWill Ferrell started off the same way, in the background out loud, and now he slays in (most of) his films.  Maybe the same will happen Justin time so he won’t have to wait for too Long.

InASense, Lost… “Hi, My Name Is Sean, And I’m A Webaholic”

In deciding between calling myself a netaholic or a webaholic, it was only then that I realized the similarities between a “net” and a “web,” and I wondered if such naming was on purpose, but I digress…

Allow me to reiterate.  I.  Am.  Addicted.  To the TripleDoubleU.  (I was tired of using these “.” for a moment.)

I’d like to blame it on the stock market crashing and I will.

See, I work in IT, and just like how a stripper doesn’t enjoy bringing her work home (maybe that was a bad example), I wasn’t too keen on doing much on the web once I got home.  I had five blogs I regularly read, and I played on the Hollywood Stock Exchange (my user name is TakeOne if interested).  Otherwise I did banking and billing (and occasional drunk purchases on Amazon or DeepDiscount).

But when the market crashed and EVERYONE panicked, my company’s clients held their breath and stopped calling, and I was suddenly left with a lot of free time on my hands.  I never got into MyBook or FaceSpace, so I started checking out this whole blogging thing.  Voila!  MonkeyBlogMonkeyDo was born.

But now I’m in a bit of a crisis.  Over the last six months, I’ve kinda developed a needto be online.  First off, I have way more than five blogs to read on a daily basis.  Plus I have two (and sometimes more if I feel like it) of my own to tend to.  Throw in my recent crippling desire to Twitter, and it’s borderline unbearable.  For example, how am I supposed to watch TV and DVD’s without a functioning laptop on top of my lap (functioning = online).

Where the major crisis stems from is the fact that the neighbor’s wifi I’ve been “borrowing” seems to have been cancelled.  I believe this started April 1st, and I’m beginning to lose my mind.

I live in Detroit, and my only option for a provider is Comcast, and I can’t stand Comcast (although I do love their new commercials).  So here I sit.  Writing this blog.  Using dial-up.

Maybe I need to get this (click here to take you to the site because I couldn’t post it via dial-up!):

The Innernette! It all fits on one CD!

The Innernette! It all fits on one CD!

 Also, I feel a kindred spirit in last season’s South Park episode, “Over Logging.”  If you haven’t seen it, check it out here.  Just be warned – there is a very gross scene that even Trey Parker couldn’t believe they got away with putting on TV.

Okay, sure, maybe I’m just being whiny, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t find it fair that no one else but Comcast has upgraded lines in my area to give us consumers some options. 

mjusayin

Drunken Recollection… Flying Bags, Trashing Toilets, Saving Bathrooms, And Other Weird Thoughts

Sometimes things you enjoy can get ruined by the mere fact that someone points out the obvious to you, well-enough is not left alone, or something becomes cliché about it.  Examples:

  • One episode of South Park lampooned Family Guy and pointed out the show makes pointless jokes that have no basis or bearing on the plot.  It sounds highbrow, but it ruined Family Guy for me.
  • Matrix 2 and 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, and Star Wars Episodes 1-3 all turned the awesome originals into tripe.  What wonders the first works brought us were repeated and retreaded until the wonder was no more.  The signs of forward thinking creativity became watered down to levels of… luck.
  • Don’t get me started on using famous songs in commercials.  Too late.  I’d give anything in the world to NOT think of KFC when I hear Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”… but alas, that’s not to be.  The classic Southern rock anthem is now an unfortunate cliché.

The reason I bring this all up is fuck American Beauty.  Especially this scene:

Why do I have such disdain for this sequence?  It’s not that I hate it… at all.  It’s that I quite actually agree with it wholeheartedly.  I’m the type of person that likes to look up at the clouds every now and again and feel small.  I enjoy remembering my minuscule place in the universe that I share with the floating grocery store bags and the tumbling cardboard containers blowing in the wind.  What makes me mad is that I liked paying attention to the things too many people ignore before the movie came out (ten whole years ago), and when I do so now, I feel like a cliché because I’m reminded of that movie.

I thought of that on the way to the bar before soccer last night, and I needed to get that off my chest.  On to the Drunken Recollection!

SIDENOTE: Does it bring anyone else extreme amounts of joy to see toilets being discarded on the curbside?  Oh, the stories they could tell.  And it looks so juxtaposed with its surroundings.  Can you imagine being the garbage man that has to hoist the porcelain throne into his compactor?   I tried to Google Image Search “toilets being thrown out” for additional laughs, but all that showed up were pictures of Lily Allen. Weird.

Once at the bar, time constrained nicely between basketball and soccer, I had to save yet another restroom from flooding.  What’s up with people not being able to turn off faucets!?!  Have we gone numb?

Anyway, a few topics of interest came up that I thought I’d share:

  • My (possibly brilliant, or perhaps stranger than I) cousin Steve brought up the suggestion that adults should start referring to their age in months as opposed to years.  It’s more specific, it sounds impressive the older you get, and it gives clues to your birthday… that is if you’re good at math and know your times table.  Just remember, you have to be older than 252 months to drink and older than 216 months to vote, see Rated R movies, and be considered “legal.”
  • I was reminded of an old daydream I used to have where people kept growing the older they got, so you’d have to have bigger homes and bigger cars and bigger clothes and bigger factories to make all those big things.  Nobody could lie about their age or get Botox or plastic surgery to stay small.  And even if you were fifty, your seventy year old parents could still pick you up if they needed to, or you had a bad day and wanted to be nuzzled.  (I’m probably stranger than Steve, hands down.)
  • Do celebrities have insurance?  Do movie stars walk around with Blue Cross cards or Medicaid, or do they simply pay cash?  Maybe they get comped like with stores and restaurants.  “Hey, guess where Angelina and Brad went when they got the flu?  Kaiser Permanente.”  “Man, I wanna go there, too!”  I could research this further, but I only really cared about it last night.

Musical Musings… Annoying Repetition

A Literal EarwormThe posts where I bitch about music never seem to go over too well, but since people aren’t always in the car with me when some annoying song comes on (and I often forget to bring it up later), I now have this forum to gripe.  And gripe I will (my apologies if you don’t care, but press on because you may agree).

The theme for this short list is Annoying Repetition.  Before you get in an uproar saying all music is repetitive, I’m talking more about the hooks that cycle throughout the song and seem to go nowhere fast.  They feel incomplete and prod at the mind and soul and I’m being melodramatic.  Songs can be super-repetitive and work.  Take Green Day’s Brain Stew as a positive example.

But some songs set out to destroy ear drums.  Mobile’s The Killer is the latest entry into the mix, and what ultimately prompted this disdainful account.  (To note: I would have embedded the video if Universal wasn’t a bunch of douchenozzles.)  Aside from the whining, winding musical arrangement, the “yeah-yeah’s” dispersed in the track make me think of Bono on “South Park” as he walks through a poor village singing “hello-hello” and “yeah-yeah” (it’s his special brand of helping).

I know there are other recent examples like Britney Spears’ Womanizer or tATu’s All the Things She Said, but they’re radio pop and to call it crap is an understatement.  On the other hand, these kinds of songs are programmed to be catchy and get stuck in your head, and they do it quite well.  Just the mere mention of the titles might cause earworms.

Before I go, I have two other odd entries: a couple songs of yesteryear that when I catch wind of them, they spiral me into a rage.  One is John Mellencamp’s Wild Night and the other is 24 Gone’s Girl of Colours (video below).  At least Shana Zadrick is in the Coug’s video.  Too bad I didn’t know about her in the 90’s (I was in love with Laetitia Casta at the time.)

Happy Find… Shawshank Redemption As 80’s Montage

I can say nothing better than what’s to follow.

Lyrics from “Team America: World Police” song, Montage:

The hours approaching, just give it your best 
You've got to reach your prime. 
That’s when you need to put yourself to the test, 
And show us a passage of time, 
We're gonna need a montage (montage) 
Oh it takes a montage (montage) 

Show a lot of things happing at once, 
Remind everyone of what’s going on (what’s going on?) 
And with every shot you show a little improvement 
To show it all would take to long 
That’s called a montage (montage) 
Oh we want montage (montage) 

And anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro, 
You need a montage (montage) 
Even Rocky had a montage (montage) 

(Montage…montage) 

Anything that we want to go from just a beginner to a pro, 
You need a montage (montage) 
Oh it takes a montage (montage) 

Always fade out in a montage, 
If you fade out, it seem like more time 
Has passed in a montage, 
Montage
Video from Funny or Die:
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