In My Brain While Sleeping… It Has To Be Better Than Crystal Pepsi, Right?

This dream happened to be a spanning, time looping dream à la Timecrimes, an interesting if not perfect Spanish film involving, um, time looping.

I was on a college campus trying to kill my other selves, contemplating the dynamics of it.  Am I the proper incarnation?  Can all the versions coexist?  Am I committing suicide if I exterminate an alternate me?  (Heavy stuff for a sleeping noggin.)

Anyexistentialism, the entire episode finished at the student center bookstore which had a McDonald’s in it.  The banner above the Golden Arches read, “Now serving Subway subs and Pepsi Golden!”

I was excited to order a Pepsi Golden, thinking it was beer.  It was just yellow Pepsi.

And in case you were wondering what it tasted like – carbonated cake batter.


DREAM INGREDIENTS: Back-to-back soccer games… and four pints of Guinness

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Fire From The Past (Michael Jackson) Meet Fire Now (I-75)

Let me know if I’m crazy or not for catching this coincidence…

The video of Michael Jackson’s hair catching on fire is released the same day that a bridge catches on fire in Hazel Park, Michigan.

Video for those out of the loop:

  • MJ’s hair caught on fire in 1984 while filming a Pepsi commercial. 
  • The fire in Hazel Park occurred at I-75 and 9 Mile. 
  • 75+9=84


Here’s Some Tasty Competition, Taco Bell! (I Still <3 U)

La Shish kabob-bye!

La Shish kabob-bye!

I always pass closed La Shish restaurants in my travels, and it makes me sad that shady underpinnings (a euphemism for alleged terrorist funding if there ever was one) forced them to go, um, under.  Although I’d eaten at one of the original restaurants more than once (I assume that either of the Michigan Avenue locations in Dearborn was the first), I always thought it would be great that a local Arab cuisine could go national as a chain.

Oh well.  C’est la shish…  Other versions of La Shish have popped up in its place, even stealing its logo design, but they don’t have the same momentum as the original.  That is why I suggest going another route and follow My Taco Bell Plan.

In only one weekend, I can train any entrepreneur how to climb that mountain of creating a monster franchise and ring that bell at the top!

  • Step 1)  You need a catchy name.  Witness how Taco Bell rolls off the tongue.  Taaaaco Bell, Taaacooo Belllll.  La Shish worked well, but it name is tarnished.  My suggestion: Kebob Stop.  My other client, Dim Sum Gong, is already achieving some success.
  • Step 2) Ah, not so fast… you’re going to have to subscribe to my program to learn the rest.  For a flat fee of $20,000, I will teach you details to secrets like these: Lego style food design (Taco Bell makes, like, 30 dishes out of, like, eight items), signing a deal with PepsiCo (you have to get Mt. Dew, I promise you), and After Hours marketing (drinking and fast food go hand-in-hand… as does anonymous sex).

I’m also looking for developers for my Pierogi To Go and Taka Sushi restaurants.  Act now!

JusWondering… Can “Demolition Man” Be Right About Taco Bell?

Tacotacotacotacotacotacotaco Bell, Ding Ding!

Tacotacotacotacotacotacotaco Bell, Ding Ding!

For some people, getting recognized at any local establishment might be embarrassing.  For me, it’s something I strive for.  I like being a regular.  I enjoy the “Norm”-factor. On the bar scene, it’s great.  At a Taco Bell?  I might have to admit that I have a spicy meat and waxy cheese problem.

It occurred this past week when I got to the window.  The attendant remembered me and joked that my soda had “extra ice, just how you like it.”  Simply because I always order a #8 soft shell with a Mt. Dew no ice, and I have my four dollars and two cents in exact change, that doesn’t make me an addict.  And even if it does, it’s not my fault.  It’s because all those other asshole places don’t have as winning a strategy as my beloved Taco Bell.

  • First off: very few joints have my Spruce Juice.  It’s a Pepsi product, and since Coke is uber-global, the only other place I can Do the Dew is at KFC or Quizno’s. 
  • Second off: it’s a matter of price.  If I don’t go the soda route at the drive-thru (because I’m already packing), how can you beat $2.52 for a meal?  Well, except for a double dose of Mickey D’s double-cheeseburgers.  (Really, they should be cheese doubleburgers, right?)  Still, a meal and a drink for $4.02?  Zno’s and KuFCa are like MC Hammer in that “They do want they wanna do, say what they wanna say, live how they wanna live, play how they wanna play, dance how they wanna dance, kick and they slap a friend…” (Oh!  You thought it was going to be “They can’t touch this!”  That would have been better.)
  • Third off (a.k.a. the Bra-Layer, whereas the first would be shirt, and the second would be pants): the meat is a crap shoot.  Wait – that sounds terrible.  What I mean is, sometimes you might get jacked on the amount of beef or cheese you get, and sometimes you get hooked the f up.  It mixes gambling and eating and I like it!

All in all, I’m down with TB.  And I don’t care if I’m a regular.  I’ll be happy if it wins the “Franchise Wars.”  Now if you’ll excuse me – I just finished eating some Grande Soft Tacos and I have to go poop.

Noooo! Don’t Dew It! Or Dew It, Who Cares

As an avid drinker of Mountain Dew (which I have previously shorthanded as Mt. Dew), I’m… not really beside myself on this logo change:

...I got nothing
…I got nothing

(From Brand New)

It’s kinda dumb.  The image makes me think of a less x-treme Surge:


So instead of a rant, I’ll fill you in on how I came to drink the antifreeze of the soda pop world.

My friend, Jay, used to be an avid drinker of Mt. Dew, but he always used to complain about how much it made him have to go pee.  I didn’t believe that it could dew that, so I traded in my Faygo Cola for the green stuff, and I’ve never looked back (and my urinating patterns have never suffered nor changed either)…

It just turned out Jay was hypoglycemic, or hyper.  It was one of those.