Awful Battle… Dongs On Film

They appear to be well-hung, I mean, done.

SIDENOTE: Chalk this post up to one I wish I never started, but finished because I did.

We’re two months in and I’ve yet been to the theater this year.  Well, I’ve seen Avatar (ick), but I don’t remember if I saw that in the last two weeks of the last decade or not.  (I double-checked my credit card statement; I saw it December 27th.)

Anywang, I’m blaming my absence at the cinema on something other than the lack of exciting flicks that have been released so far.  I’m pointing my finger (not literally) at phallophobia.  Or in layman’s terms – the fear of dongs.

2009 was a banner year for weenies popping up in movies, so to speak.  With the trend moving towards 3D films, I hope the two never shall meat, er, I mean, meet.

Here’s a list I’ve compiled from other lists (Amazon, Salon, Slate), and I take most of them at their word.  Some of these are Peters I’ve met, and some are Dicks I hope to avoid.

  • 1980 – Blue Lagoon / Christopher Atkins
  • 1980 – American Gigolo / Richard Gere
  • 1983 – Breathless / Richard Gere
  • 1991 – At Play in the Fields of the Lord / Tom Berenger
  • 1992 – The Crying Game / Jaye Davidson
  • 1992 – Bad Lieutenant / Harvey Keitel
  • 1993 – The Piano / Harvey Kietel
  • 1994 – Color of Night / Bruce Willis
  • 1996 – The Pillow Book (and Trainspotting) / Ewan McGregor
  • 1997 – Boogie Nights / Mark Wahlberg (sort of)
  • 1998 – Wild Things / Kevin Bacon
  • 1998 – Velvet Goldmine / Ewan McGregor
  • 2001 – Super Troopers / Kevin Heffernan
  • 2003 – Young Adam / Ewan McGregor (again!)
  • 2003 – Brown Bunny / Vincent Gallo
  • 2004 – Sideways / M.C. Gainey
  • 2004 – Kinsey / Peter Sarsgaard
  • 2006 – Borat / Sacha Baron Cohen, in photo (?) and censored hotel battle
  • 2007 – Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story / Unknown and don’t care to
  • 2007 – Eastern Promises / Viggo Mortensen
  • 2007 – The Simpsons Movie / Bart Simpson
  • 2008 – Forgetting Sarah Marshall / Jason Segel
  • 2009 – Bruno / Sacha Baron Cohen (was it his talking Johnson?)
  • 2009 – Watchmen / Dr. Manhattan
  • 2009 – Observe and Report / The Flasher, also don’t care to know more
  • 2009 – The Hangover / Ken Jeong, and perhaps Zach Galifianakis

In closing, I fear this may be the most comprehensive list of filmed penises on the web, and for that reason alone it was a truly Awful Battle.

If only there was a site that detailed all the female nudity out there…

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Drunken Recollection…The Mysteries Of Mexico

While on vacation a couple weeks ago in Mehico, I picked up a few things other than the Spanish language (and The Clap… you all know The Clap… it goes with this song:

and… end parenthetical).

Anyquién, I also decided I loathe the above remake, but that’s neither here nor there.  Well, it was there, at the resort, where my dislike upgraded to loathe because they played it every day at the pool.  Now onto the mysteries!

MYSTERY 1) A fair amount of time ago, a friend was telling me about a documentary he watched on Animal Planet or Discovery that was about “cutie fish.”  He told me about how they are amongst the smartest invertebrates, and about their survival methods.  Interesting, thought I, and I preceded to look them up… and found nothing.

In Mexico, some friends went snorkeling and mentioned that they saw “cuttlefish.”  Which look like this:

cuttlefish

Neither a fish, nor cute.

And match the description given by my friend in regard to “cutie fish.”

MYSTERY – SOLVED!

MYSTERY 2) In my relaxing vacational TV viewing, I stumbled across a cartoon featuring a bunch of eggs that were battling, while some eggs were tied to a roller coaster track.  One of them was friends with a strip of bacon, and one guy looked like this:

eggdude

(Not So) Artistic Representation

It didn’t help that it was in Spanish, but I’ve not been able to find anything like it on Google image search.

BONUS MYSTERY: There was some CGI black and white movie that was in English, and it had a fairly intense shower sex scene.  The main character’s name was Don Hudson, and he was being hunted by people the woman he just slept showered with called.  There were reed accents throughout.  Google search?  Nada.

MYSTERIES – UNSOLVED

MYSTERY 3) In other TV viewing, there was some crappy Danny DeVito movie (I found out was entitled, Other People’s Money), and his character’s name was Larry Garfield.  Now that’s not much on its own (although it was weird I had just watched Stand and Deliver and the school it took place at was also named Garfield High School), but after watching Shoot ‘Em Up, I theorized Odie meant “hate.”

Got home and Babel Fished it:

odietranslation

Boo-yah!  Mystery solved!  But a newer mystery remained.  Did Garfield creator Jim Davis name his yellow dog this because his feline star hated him?

Apparently, no:

Odie was based on a car dealership commercial written by Jim Davis, which featured Odie the Village Idiot.  Davis liked the name Odie and decided to use it again.

MYSTERIES – (UNSATISFACTORILY) SOLVED!

MYSTERY 4) Um, Boston Legal was called Justicia Ciega.  What did it translate to?  I figured justicia = legal, but what did ciega mean?  Well on another show or movie (I don’t recall which one), a car accident almost occurred and a woman screamed, “What are you, blind?”  Ciega flashed on the bottom.  Boston Legal = Justicia Ciega = Blind Justice.

MYSTERY – SOLVED!

MYSTERY 5) Why did I spend so much time watching TV?

MYSTERY – UNSOLVED…

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Movie About Young Lesbians In Love And Kurt Russell And Goldie Hawn

Hawn-Russell is not a character from Star Wars, Pete! I told you so!

Hawn-Russell is not a character from Star Wars, Pete! I told you so!

With a post title like that, you might start to wonder why my lead picture is Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.  Allow me to explain…

Last night, I had a dream about a movie starring these two entitled The Organization of L.  What the title referred to, I can only assume, is some subconscious reference to The L Word, due to the story of the “movie.”

SIDENOTE: I was contemplating not posting this as not to give anyone any ideas, but then I realized, “Hey, I don’t have anything else to post today.  Plus, I just thought of a funny way to end it.”

The “story” was this: Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn lived in neighboring brownstones in some major city.  Goldie was a progressive-thinking mother.  For example, she let her son – nay, encouraged him – to play with Barbie dolls as well as well as his G.I. Joe’s.  Her college age daughter was a philosopher and a dreamer… and she has been dating Kurt’s college age daughter through most of the past school year.  

Kurt, on the other hand (yet in a similar way), raised his daughter as major league sports enthusiast and a tomboy, having no other children since his wife passed away.  They’re best friends, and he doesn’t want any boy to ever take her away.

Flash forward to summer break.  Both daughters are back home for the summer, and one night, while  Goldie’s daughter stays the night at Kurt’s house, Kurt’s daughter proposes.

Goldie’s delighted; Kurt’s confused.  Hilarity, sentimentality, and maturity ensue!

I mean, it’s not like the subject of gay marriage is timely or anything?  (Miss California’s scandalous topless pic here.)

A real boob (job)

A real boob (job)

And it’s not like anyone’s interested in the heartaches and heart warmings between two college-age lesbians, right?

All right Pete... I'll give you that.  SamRo and LiLo sound like characters' names in Star Wars.

All right Pete... I'll give you that. SamRo and LiLo sound like characters' names in Star Wars.

INGREDIENTS: Two glasses of organic milk, which after drinking, made me feel oddly drunk.

In My Brain While Sleeping… An Anthology

I’ve had some doozies of dreams lately.  Alone, they probably don’t amount to much, but together… they still don’t probably amount to much.  I just think the cast has been strange of late, so here they are, collected as an anthology, separated by photos, natch.

It's a D.L.T. (Duchovny + Leoni + Travolta)

It's a D.L.T. (Duchovny + Leoni + Travolta)

In this dream, David Duchovny and Tea Leoni were still together, and they happened to be the parents of my friend/boss Paul’s kids (his lists are begrudgingly featured on this very site).  Does this mean that I subconsciously refer to them as such?  WTF do I know?  

Anytruthisoutthere, the family went to a campground where the parents and kids stayed on opposite sides. The twisted purpose of the camp was to make the parents forget about their kids as they are set off into the real world alone.  Pretty Roald Dahl-type stuff here. 

So as the weeks and months go by, the two tykes survive in the world with the help of a magical friend, played by John Travolta, looking exactly like he does above for his role in The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3.  As he helps Paul’s kids find their way back to Dave and Tea, Dave and Tea slowly remember that they have kids they need to find.  They prepare to leave the campground after six months, and the child-hating neighbors become suspicious.  When readying to leave their house (must have been a fancy campground), everyone stares through their front windows at them.  It was creepy, trust me.

See what happens when you put Charles in charge.

See what happens when you put Charles in charge.

This was kind of a quick snippet.  In the dream, the TripleDoubleU was all in a tizzy because allegedly there was a quick nude scene in an old episode of Charles in Charge, featuring Nicole Eggert.

Way to go subconscious.  Make dream nudity as geeky as possible.

"Melanie Chartoff and Neil Flynn were sitting in a tree..."

"Melanie Chartoff and Neil Flynn were sitting in a tree..."

I was back in high school in this dream, and the Principal from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose(season one coming to DVD June 30th – yay!) and the Janitor from Scrubs were my principal and janitor.   And I caught them.   Making out.   And possibly more.   I was having a bad day in the dream (of course), and after bearing witness to their deeds, I knew I had carte blanche.   I whistled as I walked the halls, long after the class bells rang.

Meet my brother.  He's a Muppet.

Meet my brother. He's a Muppet.

In this last bit, I was in a JC Penney for some reason.  Everybody was dancing around like I was in some sort of musical.  My brother appeared to me in the form of a Muppet and he lead me into the part of the store that basically was Sesame Street.  This probably has to do with what I got him as a birthday gift, but still… weird.

INGREDIENTS: Peanut butter bagels, and probably my growing Twitter addiction (don’t believe my addiction… just check out my last three posts).

InASense, Lost… No To Boobs, But Blood’s Okay?

This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for awhile.  When I recently went to the theater to see the wretched Friday the 13th remake/revision/re-fried beans, there was a father behind me with his 8-10 year old son.  I had a major ass-id flashback when I overheard him telling his son, “Cover your eyes!” whenever nudity was shown.

“Cover your eyes!”  The adage of the forbidden.  The phrase my parents often demanded of me when renting schlocky horror and fantasy films (they were my dad’s favorite VHS tapes to rent) whenever there was any hint of an upcoming boobs, butts, or both.

In fact, at the showing of F13, there were a fair amount of kids.  My favorite was a dumpy looking mother with her dumpy looking tween son that was wearing a Girls Gone Wild t-shirt.

What bothers me is that these parents don’t even stop to consider what these films do to their kids’ brains (if they have any, for that matter – the big dopes or their offspring).

At least the father behind me was sorta censoring his spawn’s input.

As an example of the warping that can occur, let me bring up a few things that warped my mind in the original series:

1) It made me scared of NYC.  I haven’t been sure of the origin of my fear.  This intro makes it look not-so-inviting:

2) It made me scared of loud random noises.  In the middle of the night one time, I kept hearing this scary uggh type noise.  I thought the devil was speaking through my TV or something.  Ended up being a spider in the fire alarm, but whew!  I flipped the fuck out.  Now listen to the crap noise they call “music” that plays through the opening of Jason Goes to Hell: The Final (hah!) Friday:

3) It made me scared of getting naked, et. al.  People die, folks.  People die!  That’s why I shower in my bathing suit.  Just in case.

Groundhogs, Explosions, And A Lack Of Clothes

It first occurred to me in Pennsylvania.  Punxsutawney, to be exact.  Some family and friends went there two winters ago for the 30th birthday of my sister, Becky.  (Sorry for letting the groundhog out of the bag…)
 
Her birthday falls on Groundhog Day, and the festivities at Gobbler’s Knob (um, yep, that’s it name) were surprisingly warm for it being so cold.  The people were nice at the Walmart we parked at and on the bus.  The grounds were cleared of fresh snow and already covered in hay which prevented soaking wet feet. 
I don’t get up at 5am for much of anything other than a flight, but I’m glad we awakened on time in order to witness this:
Catch a sparkler on your tongue!
Catch a sparkler on your tongue!

A fireworks display in the morning snow.

Normally, I’m not a big fan of the big booms on the Fourth (the mini-booms at my uncle’s house are a blast), but when they’re unexpected, they can be beautiful.  A similar feeling snuck up on me last night on Veteran’s Day.  I stayed at work a little later to avoid traffic… and read blogs.  Sometimes my wireless Internet doesn’t work at home because my neighbor turns it off, or starts fiddling with it somehow – asshole (j/k if you read this, which you probably don’t, so j/k).

On the freeway, I passed a mall presenting a full-fledged spectacular, grand finale and all (I stopped at a Best Buy – what’s wrong with me?)  I couldn’t stop smiling.  The music on the radio even seemed to mesh with the flashing and flaring chemicals (seriously, what’s wrong with me?)  It was… unexpected.

This made me realize that surprises are what it’s all about.  Like hearing Christmas music on the radio the day after Halloween.  It happens every year, but I forget that it’s going to happen and I actually enjoy it.  (Although I do grow sick of it well before Thanksgiving, and I feel sick for admitting this all – damn happy music.)

Or it’s just like going to a party where you don’t expect to meet anyone of interest (whichever path of interest you choose), and you gain an insight or catch an STD.  Regardless, it’s still a fun surprise!

In closing, it’s the same way with nudity.  If I go to the strip club, I’m paying for the fireworks and Christmas music.  But in public… on a Tuesday… in the rain – huzzah!  At a concert… when changing into another shirt – huzzah!  Or through my apartment window, into yours, across the alley.  Your lights are on.  Mine are off.  Huzzah…