Hibbidy-Wah?! Amazon Banana Slicer Amazingness!

Initially, I was going to write about this bath salts warning video, but upon finding out about this, I couldn’t resist…

THE HUTZLER 571 BANANA SLICER

This is the original picture. Wait for the "original pictures."

This is the original picture. Wait for the “original pictures.”

Apparently, many people have taken great joy in usurping this product’s listing on Amazon.  You can check it all out here, but these are some highlights:

CUSTOMER IMAGES

All my bananas curve the wrong way to use the slicer. (CAPTION FROM SITE)

All my bananas curve the wrong way to use the slicer. (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Minds blown... (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Minds blown… (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Great product, but don't get it mixed up with the banana! (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Great product, but don’t get it mixed up with the banana! (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

CUSTOMER REVIEWS

Mine didn’t come with instructions, so I’m returning it. Also, call me when they make one that gives you smaller slices. -Pen Name

No more winning for you, Mr. Banana! For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story. Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon. -SW3K

I’m SO glad Hutzler came out with a plastic, dishwasher-safe version with this model (571). Finally! A banana slicer that’s TSA approved for airline travel in your carry-on luggage. With baggage-check fees being so high, I try to avoid checking bags whenever possible, but I just couldn’t travel without my (360-series) stainless steel banana slicer. But now, problem solved!!!! Travel with the plastic 571 version and no checked-baggage fees! No more having to use coffee stirrers from the hotel coffee service to slice my breakfast banana! You can even use it in-flight if you remember to buy a banana from Starbucks before you board. This will be perfect for our trip to Ecuador this summer!!!! Would have gotten 5 stars if it came with a carrying case to keep it clean. -Chryssa Jones

Waiting for 671 to buy. Need one of these *very badly* but anxious that as soon as I buy one… the next model will be out, what with all the new features and such. Don’t know if it is worth the wait, or if I will be disappointed with my 571 when all my friends have the 671? any thoughts? -rrrabbitt “rrrabbitt”

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Hibbidy-Wah?! How Much Bacteria Is In Us?!

Want to be grossed out?  Guess how much bacteria exists in the average human body?

The human body carries more than 100 trillion bacteria – up to five pounds of the tiny single-celled organisms.

Together, all of the bacteria in the body would be the size of a large liver, and in many ways, scientists say, the microbiome behaves as another organ in the human body.
(via)

So… the amount of bacteria in EACH OF OUR BODIES roughly equals this:

Too abstract?

Too abstract?

How about this?

Too tasty?

Too tasty?

Perchance this?

Too tempting?

Too tempting?

Maybe this will bring it home:

Too obsolete?

Too obsolete?

Hibbidy-Wah?! OMFG! There’s No F—in’ Way This Could Ever Happen!!

This show looks like absolute vodka shit.

It is called… Made in Jersey, and it will air on See B.S.… I mean, CBS.

The premise is stupid simple.  A girl woman from New Jersey becomes – wait for it – a lawyer!  Crazy, right?

Check out these awful promos.  As a bonus, they’re extra confusing because one introduces the actress playing the character, whereas the other just introduces the character.  Why do we need to know the actress?  This show won’t last.  And her dreams will be unceremoniously dashed against the Jersey shore…

Introducing Janet Montgomery (the actress):

Meet Martina Garretti (the character):

Nice timing, too, because every body is sooooo into New Jersey right now…

Hibbidy-Wah?! Handball Is A Thing?

Apparently, the facility at which I play indoor soccer is going to start offering handball.  Also apparently, I’m joining a handball team.

What is handball, you ask?

It’s like whirlyball without bumper cars and jai alai scoops.

No, it’s more like lacrosse without sticks (whatever they’re called) and helmets.

No, it’s definitely basketball without any rules and you shoot at a tall hockey net instead of a basket.  Yeah, that’s exactly it.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Those Are Some Good Questions About “Prometheus” (SPOILERS)

If you haven’t seen Ridley Scott’s Prometheus and you’re planning to, don’t watch this video.

If you’ve already seen it, and didn’t even ask yourself a few of these questions, heaven (which apparently is full of Space Jockeys) help you.

I applaud sci-fi films that take a less-is-more stance.  My biggest problem with this film was all the on-the-nose dialogue.  But I have to admit, it sure was pretty… unlike the above reviewers.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Don’t They Realize This Song Is About A One Night Stand?

I always imagined that Bruno Mars wrote Marry You as a tongue-planted-firmly-in-cheek ditty, as if to say:

Girl, I want you so bad, I’ll even marry you…

Am I wrong?  Here are the lyrics.  With a line like:

If we wake up and you
Wanna break up, that’s cool

Maybe I’m old-fashioned… or it means something different in Portland:

(via)