Awesome Battle… He-Man Vs. She-Ra

Sibling Rivalry

Recently, on the Hub or some channel like that, I happened to catch back-to-back episodes of both shows, and I’ve already decided that there is a clear winner in the Awesome Battle between He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and She-Ra: The Princess of Power.  This post will illustrate my process.

  • ROUND 1 – THEME SONGS

Each of these are classics in their own right, but one stands out as a more advanced arrangement.  One could even imagine its back beat being lifted for an artist such as Nicki Minaj:

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 2 – ROGUE GALLERY

Let’s take a look at She-Ra’s enemies – The Evil Horde, lead by Hordak:

They were so bad-ass, they didn’t even sell them as part of the She-Ra toyline.

And howzabout He-Man’s baddies, lead by Skeletor:

I kid, I kid… Or should I say “I baby…” (pun!)

(Click here for the real pic.)

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 3 – SEXUAL OVERTONES

Sexual overtones are in all cartoons… especially in ones that phocus on fysique focus on physique.  So in He-Man, you have Prince Adam who dresses like this:

Um… yup.

And this is him as He-Man with his merry crew:

Despite furry loin clothes and boots, plus Ram Man’s skirt, this is a bit better.

With She-Ra, well, here’s the whole kitten-caboodle:

Hello ladies…

Even if you excuse the rainbow for the times, on the episode of She-Ra that I watched, at the start of the show, she emerged from one of the other ladies’ tents after spending the night.  Remember, this is pre-Brokeback Mountain, too, but mixed messages are mixed messages for a reason.

WINNER: TIE WITH SLIGHT EDGE TO SHE-RA (NOT TO BE INSENSITIVE, BUT I’LL CHOOSE LESBIANS EVERY TIME)

  • ROUND 4 – COMIC RELIEF

On MOTU, you have Orko:

“Here’s today’s lesson… if you try to be funny, you’re probably not…”

On POP, you have Madame Razz:

Get it! She has a talking broom! (I don’t get it…)

WINNER: TIE… NEITHER ARE THAT FUNNY

  • ROUND 5 – ACCEPTABLE WEIRDNESS

Here are some weird things on He-Man:

They fight by shoving, not punching.

Need more proof?

Who’s this guy?

A dragon wearing a horned helmet?

This takes the cake.

No weird pictures for She-Ra because all that shit’s acceptable.

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 6 – HIDDEN CHARACTERS

In every episode of She-Ra, you had to watch extra hard to find Loo-Kee hidden somewhere in a scene:

He hid better than this.

The only thing hiding in episodes of He-Man was common sense.

WINNER: SHE-RA

  • ROUND 7 – OVERALL TOYLINE

WINNER: HE-MAN

OVERALL WINNER: HE-MAN

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InASense, Lost… Create A Character Contest Strikes Back!

In 1985, this happened:

This was from the back of the funny pages, and it was serious.

So I decided to enter the contest, and at age ten, I created these characters:

I entered all of the above except for CARRYVAN, and the one I didn't even like called PUPPY HOG.

For entering so many characters (I guess), I won this playset:

My mom offered to take it back to the store to get something else. I refused. I played with it once.

These ended up being the finalists:

What the fuck?

Fearless Photog won the vote, but no toy was ever made.  At this year’s San Diego Comic-Con, it was announced that there would finally be a toy:

You're still kidding me, right?

But there was one bit of satisfaction I was always able to maintain.  Mattel ripped off my Elephantom!

They gave him a robot head and dubbed him Snout Spout.

But now, there’s this:

Victory will be mine!

I will keep you posted on my final entries.  Yes, there will be many.

————————————————————————————————————-

In case you were interested, here are each of the character’s write ups as they were when I was ten:

C.A.R.’s a small, weak wimp that can be Crushed And Restored. But every time he’s crushed by Evil, he gets mad, and when he gets mad, he gets bigger and stronger and wants revenge.  Only He-Man can talk him out of this vengeance he want.  But every time he’s crushed by Good, he gets courageous.

I guess I didn’t like that idea.  Why would good guys crush him?

When Ill-Yusion sways his hands illusions appear.  Anything he thinks of at the time will become an illusion.  Also, he is always ill.  So anytime he coughs or sneezes, an illusion will appear or disappear.

He was always ill?  Who saw that coming?

Ticklon has four arms.  The two upper arms tickle a victim and the two lower arms grab the weapons.  So there is no need for a weapon of his own with arms like this.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Kangaruin (then named Kangaroo Man) has a pouch to keep things hidden.  Can jump to the length of 50 feet and can jump as high as 20 feet.  His hands and feet are very powerful.  He can punch or kick through any solid material.

Liquid materials, forget it.

Walrusaur (then named Walrus Man) has stun rays in his teeth. His teeth can also eat through 3/5 of any material except lime stone, like the walls of Castle Grayskull.  His flipper hands and feet make him a good swimmer (and slapper).

There should have been more slapping in He-Man cartoons.

Elephantom – The ghostly elephant whose trunk can stretch miles until the enemy’s caught. Weighs nothing with unbelievable strength.

Snout Spout was only shown in the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special, and some She-Ra episodes, although I never saw those.

She-Yuld – Her shields create invisible force fields that keeps gathering around.  Once finished, ricochets anything that hits them.  Her shields have magnetic forces under them, too.

I don’t get what any of that means.

Clustor (Tartor, Ropego, and Gluestick together) – Tartor alone shakes his leg and gooky tar flies; Ropego alone has a rope arm and buzzsaw spurs on his heels; Gluestick alone spits glue from his mouth.  Together as Clustor they are stronger than ever: streams of glue from the mouth, a more controllable rope arm, and buckets of tar from the legs of Clustor.

Gluestick was the best I could come up with?

JusWondering… Will These Movies Ever See The Light Of Day?

It was just announced last week the Masters of the Universe movie was cancelled, and although the version in the works sounded craptastic, it pains me a bit to know that a live action version is further away.  But given the track record with cartoons about toys being given their due on the silver screen, I think a lot of those dues haven’t been paid, nor will they.  Sure, in ten years Transformers or G.I. Joe may or may not get rebooted, but will I care?  (Odds are yes.  Because technically, this MOTU a reboot, and I do care.)

I apologize for the fact that I posted this video almost a year ago, but it’s too awesome and helpful in imagining what a He-Man movie could be like:

And how bad ass would this Thundercats movie be:

Plus, with the fate of the third Batman film from director Christopher Nolan up in the air, does this whet your appetite?

Batman 3

I'm not drooling, am I?

Finally, and this is definitely off-topic but in line with the post’s title, has anyone ever seen this movie?

The secret of his suck-cess

The secret of his suck-cess

In My Brain While Waking Up… Sweet Jehovah! A Demon Dog Is In My Hallway!

I’m not sure exactly why I do this, but I think it had something to do with me staying up too late and not waking up for work to get money so I could stay out too late or something, but I keep my alarm clock in the bathroom.

Now the only reason I’m mentioning this is because this morning, on my stumbling walk from my bedroom to the bathroom to hit snooze (as per my snooze addiction – the only reason I set my alarm for a Saturday morning), my t-shirt scared the piss out of me.

As I bumped the doorway at an angle I usually don’t (I often bump walls and doorways because I don’t open my eyes much), I spotted the corner of my black tee from last night in the hallway and thought it was a Demon Dog from Ghostbusters.  Woke me up instantly.

37am between snoozes - yes.

At 9:37am between snoozes - yes.

Although it actually got my heart racing, I still hit the snooze bar on my alarm clock and laid back down, making sure to change the location and placement of the image-inducing cotton product.

What finally fully awakened me was my doorbell.  And the door knocking.  And the doorbell again.  Oh yeah, there it is – interior door knocking now.

It must have snowed last night, was my first thought, and the incessant attention seeking noise was my neighbor kid wanting to shovel the walk, because sure-as-shit, the area Jehovah’s just ain’t that persistent.  They politely knock, stick a pamphlet in the door handle, and move along, proselytizing.  And if it was anyone I knew, they would have called in tandem with the racket, and my cellular remained silent.  I checked out the window, and yup – two inches of snow on the ground.

Sure I could shovel it, I thought.  But it’s going to melt anyway.

Bonus Saturday morning cartoon:

Extra bonus weekday syndicated cartoon:

(via Worst Cartoons Ever)

Drunken Recollection… Boxing My Head

R U serious?

R U serious?

I’ve put ideas out into the collective unconscious before, only to have them robbed and bastardized without any input from me.  Joe Piscopo’s stinker, “Dead Heat?”  Mine first (“Harry Cadaver”).   JCVD’s “Timecop?”  I had the idea two years earlier with the same title (this one I’ll forgive because it’s not that creative).  Eddie Murphy in Eddie Murphy in “Meet Dave?”  I originally thought “Osmosis Jones” plucked my idea of having Robin Williams inside of Bill Murray’s spaceship body, but “Meet Dave” robbed us both (“The Neuron Conquest”).  Even He-Man stole (or borrowed liberally) a character I entered into a contest.  Their Snout Spout was my Elephantom.

Then I saw this commercial for Flagstar bank yesterday at the bar.  I guess it premiered in this year’s Super Bowl, but since that game was so good (Giants spanked the ButtPats), I probably hit the can during the ads and missed  it.

This reminded me of a story I wrote in high school and submitted to our literary journal called the Curio.  No wonder I never dated.

B O X I N G   Y O U R   H E A D

 

     I feel deviated like a septum.  Separated, apart from what it seems I should be a part of.  Not fitting in, a circle in a world of squares.  Here I, Lucas Pendleton, sit at the counter of Sigmund’s Soda Shop, and I watch my peers across the way, celebrating and playing by the jukebox.  And I can’t be with them.  I’ve tended to put my head in the proverbial box for years.  So now’s the time to consider it for real.

     Here’s a napkin and… here’s a pencil.  I need to write this down or I’ll forget.  If I did put a box on my head – cardboard being the only choice – it would need to have strategically placed eyeholes so I wouldn’t stumble through life (I do enough without a cube around my head). 

     As for eating, I would feed my mouth through the opening in the bottom.  I wouldn’t need to talk with anyone.  The only thing anyone cares about is your name, if even that, and I can have that printed across my forehead.  If no one was asking that question anymore, I wouldn’t need earholes.  There, the designs are finished.  And I’ll never remove my perfect separator for any reason.

     Rain.  It’s raining outside now.  I need to compensate for the dampening spirit that falls from time to time.  I’ll draw a little umbrella that could be attached to the top.

     Look at them standing over there.  Not a care about my plans of seclusion.  Will they be sorry, not at all.

They don’t know me anyway.  That’s so clear.

     Clear.  I see clear because of my contacts.  How will I remove them?  I’ll get corrective surgery done on my eyes.  That’s easy.

     What’s another problem?

     Hygiene.  Well, I’ll deal with that as it comes along.

     Sleeping comfort.  I’ll pad the walls.

     Television, movies, and music.  How can I enjoy if I can’t hear?  I’ll add earholes to the design, very small ones.

     A sneeze, I just heard a sneeze.  What if my nose runs, or I sneeze?  That could get messy.  But only I’d know, and only I-I-d–achooo!

     “God bless you.”

     –Care.  Did someone say that to me, or the other guy?  Maybe I’ll respond… just in case… to be polite.  “Thanks.”  See, it wasn’t–

     “You’re welcome.”

     Well, it’s a female voice, coming from behind me.  Should I look?  Or did the other fellow say thanks at the same time I did.  I’ll say another thing to check.  “That’s nice.  Thanks.”  Stupid, stupid…

     “Really?  You think so?”

     It’s gotta be me.  I’m gonna look.  I grabbed the counter and hand over hand I turned around to see a woman standing behind me, beautiful as could be.  She wore splashy hued shoes and a colorful box-pattern dress.  Her flowing brown hair came down past her shoulders from beneath the box she wore on her head.  I couldn’t believe it, I was in love.

     “Whatcha doing?” she asked me as she tried to peak at my napkin.  I just looked at her eyes shining through the sufficiently cut eyeholes.

     I sighed in response to her question.  She approached me, and I then noticed the earholes she had made.  Her cute ears were exposed enough to easily hear me as well as the other man sneeze, yet she chose to ask God to bless me!

     “A box, huh?  That umbrella idea will never work.  Believe me.  Oh, believe me.”

     She pointed out my flaws in design, and I didn’t care!  She tilted her head to me and smiled.  She cut out a space for her mouth… and her gorgeous smile.

     “Why do you need a box on your head, anyway?”

     “I’m thinking the same thing!” I said.  I hope she thought I meant her.  She brushed her right hand through the top of her flowing brown hair.  I didn’t even notice the top and back portion of the box were missing.

     “I mean, you’re attractive.”

     “As well as are you.”  I saw her cute nose wrinkle when I complimented her.

     “And after all, you thanked me… twice.”  She laughed an uplifting laugh.  “Quit designing that box for your head.  It’s a waste of time.  Come on and dance with me.”  Her smooth rosy cheeks lifted because of her smile.  I could see her entire face.  Her entire head. 

     She took my hand and did that twinkle thing with her eye.  There was no box on this woman’s head.

     With my free hand I crumbled the napkin.  There was no box on this man’s head either.

     I threw the napkin in a trash can – a trash can in which, as I was informed later, contained several wet pieces of cut cardboard… and a broken umbrella.  

The He-Man That May Never Be, Man

One of my favorite sites, Topless Robot, reported last week that Warner Bros. is balking at the chance to bring a revisionistist fan-centric version of “Masters of the Universe” to the big screen.  Considering what “Transformers” did for Dreamworks/Paramount, you’d think the execs would take a chance at this established childhood relic (maybe they’re still feeling the pain from “Speed Racer”).

Nonetheless, the great sci-fi/fantasy epic that could have been, may never be.  I’d give up “Transformers 2” and “G.I. Joe” for a shot to see a real world representation of this (though I’d never give up a live-action “M.A.S.K”):

For more on the fate of the movie, click here.