I try not to pick on religion too much on this site, because I know a lot of people might see the url MonkeyBlogMonkeyDo and think, “Hey, they might have the answers I’m looking for!” And I’d be all like, “Yes, I do. It’s up in the Theory Sheet.”
So I’ll leave to the always wonderful Everything is Terrible to mock religion… particularly, a religious film starring none other than Kirk Cameron, Gary Busey, and the Lawnmower Man himself, Jeff Fahey (Jeff, you’ll always be The Marshal to me). Oh yeah. It’s about the rapture.
Some of my favorite quotes from the behind the scenes making of Left Behind:
It’s not a real movie until you blow something up!
You see a camel on sand… it says desert.
I think the success of this film really depends on a lot of people going to see it. [Producer’s emphasis, not mine, unlike at the top of the post… that emphasis was all mine – Ed.]
This is unspeakably insanely awesome. Watch it and guess what year it was made…
Is that a giant onion in his diaper?
If you guessed anything but 1999, you’re an idiot!
For a second, I thought that bridge was the same one that was in Silver Bullet (at the 2:oo minute mark), but I was wrong. Who’s the idiot now?!
(via Everything is Great Terrible, as per usual)
Well, actually yesterday was the 18th birthday of the song Voices That Care, and it is quite the time capsule. Made originally to raise money for the Red Cross during Operation Desert Storm, it has now, well, let’s reflect on the highlights:
- Gotta love the flag opening. Reminds me of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crap. Unfortunately.
- Celine Dion was just a baby. I wonder if her creepy-old-manager/husband-to-be was tapping that yet. (Also, she has kind of that Amy Grant vibe going. Much better than the future Vegas chest thumping.)
- Peter Cetera! Why isn’t he making music anymore? Am I the only one that wonders where he went? (Maybe he’s hanging out with Steve Perry.)
- See Bobby Brown. See Bobby Brown sing. See Bobby Brown not get high and smack a ho.
- Is that dude in the cowboy hat from Warrant? Yes. Yes, he is.
- Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson’s singing voices mesh perfectly with Luther Vandross. (Actually, all the sports stars have wonderful pipes.)
- Who’s singing with Garth Brooks – Amy Grant or Celine Dion? Was hair really that big back then?
- BONUS: More Warrant! Nope. It’s just Nelson. Why is everyone wearing cowboy hats, yet Garth Brooks did not (a true rarity)?
- Michael Bolton was pretty good in Office Space, doncha think?
- Will Smith even got to rap. That tickles my soul. Isn’t it weird he got his start “rapping,” but now it seems weird to see him rap?
- One good thing about the arrival of CGI – no more neon coloring on B&W footage (hopefully).
- The Chorus. You gotta love the Chorus. I can’t even begin to dive into the Chorus. All I have to say is this: Michelle Pfeiffer AND Jon Lovitz. No? Fred Savage AND Meryl Streep? Not enough? Gary Busey AND Chevy Chase? Yes. That awesome.
- Wait was Mike Tyson’s arm around Debbie Gibson? (She was my first concert – at the Sea World in Orlando.)
In my research, I stumbled on this must-see Where Are They Now video. Check it out.
There’s a forum on SomethingAwful that has all kinds of Photoshopped madness. Click here to check it out.
The thread began with the idea of replacing regular folks in home photos with the mugs of celebs. Example:
Lilo and Stitch
But it’s since evolved into a Buseypalooza. There’s not much on there, but to post them all on here would ruin the surprise. I don’t think it’s active anymore, either, unfortunately, but it still makes me G.R.I.N. (Gotta Recommend It Now… see, Buseyisms aren’t that tough).
The towel with which he wiped his face left this image
As the wise and sage-like Gary Busey once said, “Son of a bitch everything’s real,” I too spent my eve teetotaling, and realized there is much to learn while the mind is clean and the thoughts are clear. Namely, I have to write in a pretentious tone, and make use of odd phrasings and word choices.
Fuck that. Here’s some things I learned the night I decided not to drink and still hit four bars. (Maybe that’s how I lasted for four bars… I can get sleepy when I do the brew.) (Image from Drawastar)
Chapter One – Buffalo Wild Wings
- Sarcasm doesn’t work in text messages. I knew this was the case with emails, but for some reason that didn’t translate in my brain. Basically, I hurt sumbuwy’s feewings.
- Edith Bunker was the first TV character to experience menopause, and not Maude. Who knew that Norman Lear spread the wealth of taboo around? (FYI: Maude was the first to have an abortion.)
- “Rolling Stone” magazine changed its size. They went smaller and quite frankly it looks wrong.
Chapter Two – One Under Bar and Grill
- Paying cover for a band sucks when you show up right before their set ends, and the group decides to leave before the next set starts because the overall scene is lame. Even if it’s $3. And even though you didn’t pay it (thanks Doctor J).
- The Trivia Jockey from my usual Wednesday stop hits this bar after leaving the other bar. Not a big deal. Just if I was a couple pillow cases to the wind I wouldn’t have noticed.
- Everybody knows a dude that looks like Al Pacino.
Chapter Three – Kickers Complex (I just learned that’s what it’s called!)
- It’s equally nice and sad to be recognized by bartenders.
- You never want to hear a man sing Sara Bareilles’ “Love Song.” Not even in an ironic way. Trust me.
- This song is supposedly popular, although I’ve never heard of it. I know it’s country, but I’m familiar with the biggies. This one? I never even heard of its name. Also, the two dudes singing David Allen Coe no favors.
- Karaoke in an empty bar sucks.
Chapter Four – Plymouth Roadhouse
- It’s equally nice and sad to be recognized by the bartender and the waitress.
- When big screen projection TV’s are on their last legs, they look like crooked bootleg DVD’s of movies, minus people walking in front.
- In theory, nobody knows shit about what’s going to happen to the Big Three Automakers. The proof (as if you need it) is in the fact that everybody heard and knows something different. Some of my favorite speculations: Ford will be picking up Jeep from GM, Chrysler will go bye-bye, GM will absorb Chrysler’s minivan division and make Dodge Ram their only truck, and Ford will get bought out by the Chinese but will keep the family name as part of the agreement.
- And in closing, I learned that what Cerebus did in securing Chrysler was a lot like what Richard Gere’s character did in “Pretty Woman.” They both bought a product at a reduced cost solely to strip it down and liquidate it for profit. In essence – treat it like a whore (a regular one though… not Julia Roberts).
Dr. Drew used to be somewhat of a hero of mine. Along with Adam Carolla and the beautiful Diane Farr, he hosted one of the rare shows I used to watch on MTV called “Loveline.” The two nuggets of knowledge dropped on me that have stuck are:
1) If you’re prone to lockjaw ladies (presumably from stepping on rusty nails?), then there’s always the side slide. (Thanks to Julie Benz for that one, and her unforgetable pantomimed presentation! You know Julie currently from Showtime’s “Dexter” and “Rambo,” formerly from “Jawbreaker,” and always from my memories.)
2) If a girl talks with a squeaky voice as an adult, she was molested as a kid. Hilarious!
(SIDENOTE: Whatever happened to “BuzzKill,” MTV? Just because Dave, Frank, and Travis disrupted the beach house, it doesn’t mean they never existed!)
Dr. Drew’s latest endeavor is the second season of Celebrity Rehab on VH1. Gary Busey’s in it, and he R.O.C.K.S. (Really Opens Cans of Kickass Seriously)
Here’s a sneak peek at the wisdom he’s there to share (a Busey-ism, if you will… cuz he does):
The word S.O.B.E.R… that stands for Son Of a Bitch, Everything’s Real
Click here for video. (From VH1)
If that’s not working, this is an equal treat: