This has to be one of the best bar stories of all time, and my apologies if I don’t get this right.
Dakota (a friend of mine) knew this kid that claimed his father was a pilot during the Bay of Pigs invasion. Part one of his story:
My dad was called to active duty and was ordered to fly to Playa Girón to drop some bombs on Cuba. But the thing was… he wasn’t allowed to bring a map. But he really needed a map, so he hid it in his butt.
He couldn’t bring a map of Cuba to Cuba in case he was caught going to the place he had a map of how to get to? Moving on to paht two:
So as my dad was closing in on his target, hand ready to pull the lever, a call came in over his radio… ”Tahm, don’t drop tha bahms!’ It was President Kennedy!
So according to this kid, not only was his father one of the very few Americans involved in the invasion, but JFK was on a first name basis with him.
Hence the new phrase for you – “map in the ass.” It’s code for “a lie pulled out of your ass.”
Tah dah!
Another item of discussion – what is the layout of the office on The Office?
This is the best version I’ve found online (and it’s not 100% up-to-date):
Does Vance Refrigeration use its lease space as effectively?
With the new (first?) (only?) A-Team movie coming out, we got to talking about the cast over some beers. We decided this dream cast (not the one above) would have been quite a coup:
The Dream Team
Bruce Willis as Hannibal, Brad Pitt as Face, Jim Carrey as Murdoch, and Michael Clarke Duncan as B.A. Baracus would have been expensive as hell, and I’m not calling the current cast the B-Team (ha!), but these guys would be totally worth it.
So then we started discussing that Matthew Vaughn (the guy that made Kick-Ass independent of any studio) will be helming X-Men: First Class. It should be noted that he was set to be the original director of X-Men 3 (which he hated). Since our train of thought was already on IRF (Ideal Role Fulfillment), this was the station our one track minds arrived at:
Yes, please.
Michael Rosenbaum could replace Patrick Stewart as a younger Professor X. Rosenbaum already carries comic credentials under his belt (he plays Lex Luthor on Smallville), so he already has the experience of playing the earlier version of an icon. Plus, DC owes Marvel someone since Green Lantern took Ryan Reynolds from Deadpool. Besides, audiences don’t care if Actors! double up on beloved characters (Captain Jean-Luc Picard held his ground as Professor X, Human Torch as Captain America, Han Solo as Indiana Jones, as so on).
It's the hair that won the job.
Replacing Magneto was tough. I started with Jude Law, another Brit, taking over for Sir Ian McKellen. But then we tried thinking about perhaps an Actor! of Jewish decent, since Erik Magnus Lehnsherr happened to be, and we could think of none. So they fought Law, and Law won.
And as for Cyclops / Scott Summers, this thought popped in our head…
Now that I’m clean-shaven and no longer look like this:
The bird is the word.
Or this:
I must admit, I missed my face. I went through one day of phantom beard, but that was it. I should mention my regret for removing the season-long Red Wings hockey beard on the first day of the Stanley Cup playoffs, but in order to fly to NYC without hassle, it seemed worth the hassle. (Thank goatee they’re advancing to Round 2!)
Anysubway, I won’t bore you with the details. All the details. Just some of them.
Jay was Hitting One Liners Out of the Park
"Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd that wanted to beat up a guy for wearing a Mets' cap..."
On Friday, we headed to Yankee Stadium to see two of our beloved ex-Tigers play (Curtis Granderson and, um, Marcus Thames), and all day, my buddy Jay was calling ’em like he saw ’em.
Some of things he said that were actually documented:
I need to stop calling these trips vacations and start calling them work out retreats.
If I owned that shirt it’d be my third favorite shirt.
Hey I’m paying twenty bucks to look at empty stages tomorrow.
Steve: Who sings ‘I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone?’
Jay: Ke$ha.
What are you? A garbophobe?
It’s getting all Wendy’s up in here! [This one was mine. – Ed.]
“It’s Getting All Wendy’s Up in Here!”
I wish I had photos as proof, but Wendy’s in Midtown is, simply put, insane. I don’t think it was an isolated incident either. The show Ugly Americans even gave a shout out to it.
At any rate, the breakdown of events (this all happened within fifteen minutes):
Some one threw their filled drink in the air.
A sober girl was trying to get a trashed girl up the stairs.
Steve slipped on the spilled drink and dropped everything but his drink.
Chris tripped down some stairs while holding only the top bun covered in its toppings. (He wanted a plain one.)
Somebody left a strange package on one of the tables. (I checked what it was, damned if I remember.)
A person kept screaming about how he wanted to kill everyone, and no one reacted.
I don’t know. It seemed much crazier when I was trashed.
I’m So Proud of Myself for Something Not Proud
This photo's fuzziness doesn't even come close to my eyes' fuzziness that night.
On Saturday, we found a bar called No Idea and like the bar’s name, we had no idea what was in store (hee!). We stopped here after not getting to play ping-pong at Susan Sarandon’s Spin because they were closing for a private party.
BONUS JAY QUOTE!
Here I was under the impression none of us played ping-pong.
The plan was this: kick back a few cheap drinks, make our way to bar hop in East Village, and finally check out P.D.T.’s in Crif Dogs (our missed mission from last year). Let’s just say that plan’s quickly becoming an annual tradition.
As soon as the drinks kept flowing (courtesy of an all-you-can-drink party), the remainder of the night became a blur.
Oh yeah – my proud moment… I threw up and quickly returned to drink more. I never knew I had it in me to do that!
The Drunk Idea of the Trip
Andrew Dice Clay’s reality show should have been called Rollin’ with Dice. I was going to make a graphic, but fuck it (heehee!).
Ever hear about fortress games? Me neither. But my friend Jay has recently become obsessed with them. Our other friend has mocked him for purchasing so many different versions of the same game, but it should be noted that he owns dozens of first person shooters. Touché. (Or more appropriately, too lame.)
Any360, apparently I was familiar with fortress games, and in fact owned one myself:
Plants Vs. Zombies - A Battle for My Heart
It’s a fun game. And a time drainer. The concept is simple – build up your fortress to defend against invaders. In the case of Plants Vs. Zombies, you plant vegetation to battle the living dead approaching your home.
Well prior to realizing what a fortress game was, I had Jay explain them to me. He told me it was a single-player game, and I told him it’d be better as a multi-player. Then voilá! That should be a game!
A game where you get to be both the plants AND the zombies! Each player would setup their zombie line of attack prior to beginning, and then as the war waged on, you’d arrange your plants! For example. Obviously it could be anything in the _____ vs. _____ situation.
Next item! A new website!
Is any of that answer in English?
Yes, the site would be based on the above question:
uglychicksthatthinktheyrehot.com
I mentioned this idea at a Detroit Tiger’s game (hence the reason for the other mindedness), and a woman seated next to me that was attractive also liked the idea.
Next item! Exploding bats!
How awesome would it be if baseball bats exploded after every hit?
And the confusion over this fact lead to a bloody fist fight between my friends and I.
No it didn’t, but that would have been a better story. Basically, the crew was boozing, this flick came up, but everyone argued with me about the original name of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s premiere film:
The phones came out. IMDb checked. Turned out I was right. Which I knew. And they were reminded that I always know.
So then they brought up creature I did not know about… the alligator gar:
See ya later, alligator... gar.
I currently wish I did not know about the alligator gar. Along with the candiru, good job on keeping me out of the water.
The last item discussed – and it was something we agreed on – was that if Saturday Night Live wanted to make a new movie after MacGruber, then Game Time with Dave and Greg would make great option.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
It could follow Dwayne Johnson‘s character Dave as he meets Greg and helps him intermingle with society. This ultimately leads to them co-hosting the show. Hilarity ensues!
The drinking implement is not important. The speed at which you drink is. If you drink more in a shorter space of time then yes, naturally. Pretty self-explanatory really.
This one was a two-parter: 1) As a kid, did I not watch M*A*S*H* because of the theme song?
Yes. It’s terrible.
2) Would I have liked it if it had a different theme song?
I don’t see why not.
Is “The Mike Game” a fun game to play?
Yes. Once you understand the complicated rules.
Somebody told me there was a Polish dog that was saved from an iceberg…
…and there was. They named him “Baltic”… you know, after the sea Polish fisherman found him on. I named my dog the same way!
The Opposite of a Hot Dog
Find the update on the situation here (and for an update on The Situation here). Now I’m going to go grab a beer and a straw, relax, and watch an old episode of Baywatch with my dog, “Outside the Strip Club.”
While boozing with my fellow booze hounds not to long ago, a few wonderings popped in my head. These are them (is that proper English or proper drunk-speak?):
1) As a child, I was a fan of the wrong film series.
"I've made a huge mistake."
For most of my life, it’s been Star Wars all the way for me, baby. And as an (alleged) adult, I’ve paid for it dearly, both figuratively and literally.
Figuratively… in the sense that James Bond would have fostered my inner Lothario, as opposed to Luke Skywalker inspiring my inner whiny “hero.” (Granted, I could have looked to Han Solo, but he didn’t have a lightsaber and couldn’t use the Force.)
Literally… in the sense that I spent way too much fucking money on toys in a bid to recapture my lost youth.
On the other hand, if I had idolized Agent 007, I might have lived a life of danger (both in and out of the bedroom), but definitely his love of gadgetry would one day complement mine.
2) I should have picked different friends.
"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"
Some of my friends I’ve known since I was four years old. And at times I’m left to wonder, what does a kid know? I already mentioned that I chose to make Luke Skywalker my hero and not James Bond when I was a young ‘un. The incident that triggered this thought:
A friend-that-shall-go-unnamed-(though-he-knows-who-he-is) ran around Hooters getting the entire staff to sign the calendar he purchased for his toddler son. Although one girl was clever (and inappropriate). She wrote:
May your dreams be wet, and your diapers stay dry. (Or something like that.)
To be honest, it was the gayest heterosexual thing I’ve ever witnessed.
3) Why does twelve seem like it’s a plural form of twelf, like how it is with pants and pant?
4) If going “number one” and “number two” means what they mean, what would going “number three” on up represent?
BONUS SOBER WONDERING, WHICH I GUESS SHOULD BE AJusWondering:
Why can’t I stop watching this video?
Here’s the shortened version for a maximized quick hit:
Whilst drinking, the mind tends to wander into the realm of good fortunes… and in this case, the good fortunes was a real fortune. As in, What would I do if I won the lottery?
Of course this requires me purchasing a ticket, but I do not take part in the “idiot tax” except maybe once a year.
My first expenditure – producing one of my, um, unproduced scripts (which would be all of them).
Free-serve beer spouts, like they have in fast food restaurants. You could purchase a $25 glass and have at it. The wait staff might love it or hate it, so it should be test marketed here first. Preferably at a bar close to my home.
Fountain of Booze
THE LESSON
Don’t drink Guinness through a straw. It looses the taste. Although it is cute when you make a stupid joke about doing so, and the waitress follows through by bringing your next stout with a spout.
Not to be confused with chocolate milk
THE SOBER REALIZATION
“Fountain Dew” tastes really good sometimes. That’s the Mountain Dew you get out of the fountain, if I’ve lost your attention in this complicated post. It happens most often at Taco Bell. Sometimes at KFC and Arby’s. Never at Subway. Because I hate Subway. Fuck Subway. I could make those sandwiches at home.
Here’s one example shared by both the MTV reality show and the classic RPG:
Shared Trait 4: Spiky Hair
But I’ll let you read the remainder of the list by clicking here. You don’t have to be a huge fan of both to get it, but you should be a fan of at least one.
Now that same night, another major item (because Jersey Shore and Final Fantasy are like huge deals) brought to my attention was that these existed:
Now I’d like to list some facts about the Greenland shark, and how they too are similar to the cast of Jersey Shore.
1) Alternate names
The extra "W" is for "WTF?"
On the Jersey Shore, everybody has an alias, like they’re X-Men or something: Jenni is J-Woww, Nicole is Snooki, Sammi is Sweatheart, and Mike is The Situation.
The Greenland shark has more even more nicknames: sleeper shark, gurry shark, ground shark, grey shark, or the Inuit name, Eqalussuaq.
2) Parasites
Microscopic crustaceans ain't just for the beach!
I’m not saying that any of the cast members on Jersey Shoredo have crabs, but I’m also not saying that they don’t… You just got double-negatived, which is another way of saying positive. BTW, I’m sure positive is a result this group has seen as on innumerable tests.
Meanwhile, the Greenland sharks play host to the creature in the picture above (the one on the right, of course). It feasts on the shark’s eye, causing partial blindness. Like syphilis.
3) Scavengers
Yes. Her hat does read, "Porn Star In Training."
Snooki sure loves her pickles.
Greenland sharks sure their love fish, seals, reindeer, horses, and polar bears.
4) Toxic skin
Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.
I don’t know components go into fake tan sprays or tan accelerators, and I especially don’t know how much alcohol the cast members of Jersey Shore can actually consume, but if I happened to be on a plane with them and it crash landed in the Alps – I wouldn’t eat them.
The flesh of the Greenland sharks, on the other fin hand, is officially poisonous. I repeat – THIS SHARK IS POISONOUS. Next you’ll be telling me they have razor-sharp skin, too. (Let it be known, the toxin in their skin does produce an effect akin to extreme drunkenness, so maybe I would eat a Jersey Shore cast member in the Alps.)
5) Legends
They could be friends, doncha think?
Everyone loves a good story, and sometimes the shorter the better. As for Mike of the Jersey Shore, his legend is straight to the point:
He is The Situation.
Greenland sharks legends aren’t as concise:
Sedna was a girl whose father cut off her fingers while drowning her. Each finger was said to have become a sea creature, including the Greenland shark. (via Wikipedia)
Now that’s quite a situation.
BONUS THING NOT HELD IN COMMON:
Greenland sharks can live for up to 200 years long. The cast of Jersey Shore will be forgotten about in five.
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