Drunken Recollection

Drunken Recollection… Bluff My Call

Posted on by sgottahurt

Don’t get me wrong… I love my iPhone, but sometimes things come up that make me wish I had an Android phone.

Case in point – without jailbreaking my cell, Apple will not allow me to download and use the incredibly evil app called:

Bluff My Phone (available here) is a handy little tool in creating havoc, and it works like this:

  1. Download and install the app.  Of course.
  2. Program the phone number you want to call and the number you want to show up on the caller’s display.
  3. Choose to modulate your voice more masculine or feminine.
  4. Set the call to record or not.
  5. And scare the living shit out of somebody.

We didn’t try anything at the bar, but the next day at work, we had a good time pranking a few co-workers, acting as clients.  Alas, we did not record them (we forgot in the excitement).  But my boss/friend Paul devised the darkest prank of all (I helped).

While his wife was at home sleeping after working the night shift at the hospital, he called her mother (his mother-in-law) from his wife’s cellphone as she watched their kids downstairs.  I suggested this phrasing:

Is this “Mom”?  I wouldn’t suggest coming upstairs.  I’m standing over your daughter!

Or something like that.

We laughed.
He tried it.
He was sent to his mother-in-law’s voicemail.
So he tried directly spooking his wife.
Still half-asleep, she recognized his voice immediately.
Prank over.

Maybe next time.

(SIDENOTE: I’ve come a long way since this.)

Drunken Recollection… An Incendiary Idea To Combat Incendiary Ideas

Posted on by sgottahurt

Travelling by plane used to be fun.  Well, I still enjoy it, but it used to be more fun.  (I really, really hate taking off my shoes.)

But all the increased security does, in my opinion, is increase frustration.  So one day while I was drinking, I was thinking:

If the authorities are looking for religious zealots, why not single them out by showing offensive posters?

I mean, if someone is that religious that they’re willing to blow themselves up for their beliefs, their reaction to a questionable image would definitely be a tell, right?

Take for instance, this poster:

I know, right?  And how about this particularly nasty one:

Well that should be enough to give you a good idea of what I’m talking about.  Now excuse me… after making those, I’ve got some vomiting to do.

No, it’s not from making those pictures…

…it’s from drinking!

Drunken Recollection… How This Happened I’ll Never Know

Posted on by sgottahurt

As I mentioned in the title… how this happened, I’ll never know.  And besides that, I wish it was a much more exciting mixup than what it is.

Now please keep in mind – this conversation happened extremely late into an evening of drinking, but for some reason, this song was brought up:

  • Amy Grant’s That’s What Love is For

And for some reason, there was a great confusion between that song and this one:

  • Vanessa Williams and Brian McKnight’s Love Is

The mental state was so deteriorated that night, it was believed for a considerable amount of the discussion that they might have even been remakes of each other.  At times, they even sounded the same.

Like I said, the brews were bruising synapses that night.

Confusing those two songs (although their titles are similar) was almost as bad as confusing these two songs (which have a similar back beat):

  • The Beach Boys’ Kokomo
  • Sade’s Smooth Operator

Drunken Recollection… Whose Film Catalog Could You Get Stuck With?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Does this tree get HBO?

This has been a question pondered by my friends and I for a while now.  If you were stuck on a deserted island, what Actor!’s film catalog would you want to have with you?

A few fine names were thrown around – DeNiro, Nicholson, Pacino, Dreyfuss…

Of course there was talk of Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, and Hayden Christensen, but my choice came down to two people:

1) Bill Murray
2) Harrison Ford

"I don't see my name down there anywhere!"

With Bill, you get the (my) likes of these:

  • Ghostbusters
  • Little Shop of Horrors
  • Scrooged
  • Quick Change
  • What About Bob?
  • Groundhog Day
  • The Man Who Knew Too Little
  • The Royal Tenebaums
  • Lost in Translation
  • Broken Flowers
  • Get Smart
  • Fantastic Mr. Fox
  • Zombieland

Not to mention his earlier works like Meatballs, Caddyshack, and Stripes, plus in between works like Ed Wood, Kingpin, Wild Things, Rushmore, The Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou, and Get Low!  And there’s even more if you get sick of these!  That’s quite a filmography!

"I don't see your name up there either, Garfield. I wonder if my earring is listed down below."

With Harrison, on the other hand, you get two of the Great Trilogy of Trilogies – Star Wars and Indiana Jones… (Back to the Future is the third, and don’t get your knickers in a twist – nobody counts Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)…

Here’s (my) Harrison’s list:

  • American Graffiti
  • Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
  • Apocalypse Now
  • The Frisco Kid
  • Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
  • Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • Blade Runner
  • Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi
  • Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
  • Witness
  • The Mosquito Coast
  • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
  • Patriot Games
  • The Fugitive
  • Clear and Present Danger
  • Air Force One
  • and, uh, Brüno

Okay, so he sort of fizzles out, but even still… that’s a bunch of flicks I could repeatedly view.

But then, a new person showed up to the proceedings, and suggested we consider character Actors! (turned leads) instead of leads:

I thought that was a pretty good idea, so I changed my answer and picked an up and coming star, Sasha Grey:

"I starred in Steven Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience, and you didn't. Hey Harrison, I think I found your earring."

Drunken Recollection… They Sure Don’t Make Cartoons Like They Used To (Plus My Opinion On Donald Duck Finally Revealed!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This seemed to come out nowhere, as opposed to the alcohol that kept being provided by the prompt wait staff.

We had finished a soccer game.  We were playing music trivia.  And this old Walt Disney cartoon popped in my head.  My friends remembered it, and we laughed about how it could never get made these days… not in the slightest.  (Well, maybe in the slightest.)

Watch and revel at a child’s cartoon from 1949:

What I think surprises me the most is what a dick Donald Duck used to be.

Was he always that way?  Yes. Yes. And oh god no, yes.

That’s probably why he was my favorite Disney character…

Drunken Recollection… Why Men Do Anything (Plus Swamping!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

While camping last weekend, this happened:

Why is the song "Lump" suddenly stuck in my head?

That is my cousin Steve, whom most recently discovered this for me, or should I say us.  He put on his waders and decided to go swamping, which in other words means…

Hunting for frogs.

Passersby were confused at us boggy marsh gawkers, until they realized we were watching Steve mucking through the muck.  Every last one of them smiled.  Only one of them rubbed my shoulders.

In other Drunken Recollecting, while around the campfire, I proposed that there are only three reasons men do anything in this world (in no particular order):

Oh, and there is the unofficial fourth reason – survival.

So the question that remains – why did Steve go swamping?

I already told you it was to hunt for frogs!

Drunken Recollection… “Swipe It Like A Credit Card” (AKA “You Might Scream 4 This”)

Posted on by sgottahurt

(Photo courtesy of Amy's quickness with the clicks)

Scream 4 is filming (for some reason) in Plymouth, Michigan (for some reason), and I had no idea as I made my way to the bar to play trivia (for some reason).

Anydewey, as I passed the set piece above, I didn’t pay too much mind since I was being trailed by a Plymouth cop (I had to hide my cell phone courtesy of a new law).  While at trivia, the team I was playing with consisted of some new members, so job talk was brought up, and the birth of this phrase was born (I think it makes a great rap song hook):

Swipe it like a credit card…

The job it referenced:

Border Patrol Agent

Well, one specific act:

I let you connect the dots.

So back to trivia…  talk of Scream 4 began, and I connected the dots.  So after the game, a group of us headed over to the Woodsboro Police Station, and I readied to snap a photo.  But then some teen rent-a-cops yelled that I couldn’t.  And for some reason, I listened.  Afterward, I wished I had said something like:

I’m using Google Goggles to see what this place used to be.

But I didn’t.

And it’s not like they had any authority to swipe it like a credit card…

Drunken Recollection… Kids, Kidney Stones, And American Pie

Posted on by sgottahurt

Truer words never spoken... on a t-shirt.

As per uzhe (I don’t know how to shorten usual phonetically), I have a few things to attend to in this Drunken Recollection.

ITEM #1

  • The above shirt idea. Looks good, doesn’t it?

ITEM #2

  • “Does chewing Styrofoam cause kidney stones?” There are no Yahoo! Answers in regard to this, but I finally have this question answered:

ITEM #3

Drunken Recollection… Perfect Strangers: The Movie

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you can believe it, some of my friends (whether sober or in this case, drunk) really want their to be a movie version of Perfect Strangers.

No, the one with two strangers.

We started discussing casting, and this was the resounding consensus:

Ben Stiller as Cousin Larry Appleton and Adrian Brody as Balki Bartokomous

They don’t look too excited, though, and the way Hollywood operates, they might prefer to skew for a younger cast.  Our suggestion:

Michael Cera and Shia LaBeouf are getting big heads about this project.

I can admit I wasn’t too keen on a movie version of the T.G.I.F. classic (?) before this discussion or this post.  But after some photo editing, either version might catch my interest and $15 (because I’m sure it will be in 3-D).

Drunken Recollection… Upchuck Answer Round! With Photos!

Posted on by sgottahurt

These are some things I’ve been meaning to look up after a night of drinking.  I don’t remember much else but the note from my phone.

NOTE 1: trve kvlt

The answer lies no further than this picture:

The bear is definitely not "trve kvlt."

It also lies no further than this definition on Urban Dictionary.

Or no further than replacing the V’s with U’s… (and the K with a C if you’re still stumped)…

BONUS TRVE KVLT:

NOTE 2: DILLIGAF

"Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck?"

‘Nuff said.

NOTE 3: Incorruptibles

Not that kind of "incorruptible."

This is a Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox belief that I, as a Roaming Catholic, have never heard mentioned.  Apparently, the Incorruptibles are the saints whose bodies don’t decompose.  Hence the picture of Mandy Moore as opposed to a pic of an old dead dude… in a robe… in a box.

Poppycock?  You decide.  Personally, I wouldn’t want to be incorruptible.  I’d rather be like Cain in Robocop 2.

NOTE 4: “Dirty Jeans Dungarees”

What "NOTE 4" says...

This is a common misheard lyric.  The song – AC/DC’s Dirty Deeds.  The lyric – if you don’t already know the song, I don’t think you get most things on this site.