My friends have a friend that lives in a world the likes of which none of us has ever seen.
In this world, she looks like Drew Barrymore (she does not), I look like Christian Slater (I do not), and everyone around her is lucky to be around her.
Why this diatribe now when I’ve despised her for so long? Because she may have cost my Trivia Team instant entry into our seasonal tournament. (More on that nerdery to follow.)
There’s a things about Jerkica you need to know (I disguised her name for her protection, although she might still find this post flattering). My last extended encounter with her occurred at her wedding. These are some highlights:
- She invited the woman she allowed her husband to have an affair with to her wedding. This woman hung all over her husband the entire night. Uncomfortable: check! Strange: double-check!
- People weren’t really dancing to her music selection. Once the crowd started getting into it, they put in requests to the DJ for things like Elvis and the Beatles. This kept them on the dance floor, but the bride was sure to put a stop to it. “Those songs were not on my play list! That’s not what I’m paying you to play!” Coincidentally, people stopped dancing.
- It was that special time of the month for her, which is no excuse for her behavior. But the fact-of-the-matter is she made her bridesmaid change out her tampon – the same bridesmaid she forbade to drink because she was making her drive the groom and her home, and otherwise bossed around the entire night. Ironically, the DJ played old rag time music while this occurred.
- The camera man came around to ask our table to say a few things. I commented that none of them would be nice, and he lost it. He simply cracked up. I told him to talk to the DJ.
- Some random people wandered into the reception to dance, as guests happen to do when halls are connected. Like the place had trip wires, she shot across the dance floor and kicked them out. Later, I heard her complaining to a member of the staff. “My party was so great, I had to get rid of strangers that were trying to enter.”
- She took nude pictures of herself and mixed them in with her wedding pictures, which she then sent out to EVERYBODY.
Deep breaths and relax. Simply put – I can’t stand her. I’ve been happy to not hear or see from her in a very long time. It’s not that she has ever done anything directly to me; it’s what she’s said and done to my friends. But now she’s broken that fourth wall. She stopped by my friends’ house and prevented them from going to trivia, thus hindering them from getting precious points we need to secure our spot in the tournament.
I’d still dry-hump the hell out of her though.
(More people I’ve been told I look like after the jump.)