Over this weekend, I cleared my scalp and kept my full beard. These are the select few I’ve been told I resemble, or that I instantly considered my dopplegangers.
To my sister, I took upon the visage of poet Shel Silverstein:
He looks like someone you wouldn't want to meet "Where the Sidewalk Ends"...
To my other sister, Jeff Bridges in his Iron Man baddie-mode, Obadiah Stane:
SIDENOTE: Chalk this post up to one I wish I never started, but finished because I did.
We’re two months in and I’ve yet been to the theater this year. Well, I’ve seen Avatar (ick), but I don’t remember if I saw that in the last two weeks of the last decade or not. (I double-checked my credit card statement; I saw it December 27th.)
Anywang, I’m blaming my absence at the cinema on something other than the lack of exciting flicks that have been released so far. I’m pointing my finger (not literally) at phallophobia. Or in layman’s terms – the fear of dongs.
2009 was a banner year for weenies popping up in movies, so to speak. With the trend moving towards 3D films, I hope the two never shall meat, er, I mean, meet.
Here’s a list I’ve compiled from other lists (Amazon, Salon, Slate), and I take most of them at their word. Some of these are Peters I’ve met, and some are Dicks I hope to avoid.
1980 – Blue Lagoon / Christopher Atkins
1980 – American Gigolo / Richard Gere
1983 – Breathless / Richard Gere
1991 – At Play in the Fields of the Lord / Tom Berenger
1992 – The Crying Game / Jaye Davidson
1992 – Bad Lieutenant / Harvey Keitel
1993 – The Piano / Harvey Kietel
1994 – Color of Night / Bruce Willis
1996 – The Pillow Book (and Trainspotting) / Ewan McGregor
1997 – Boogie Nights / Mark Wahlberg (sort of)
1998 – Wild Things / Kevin Bacon
1998 – Velvet Goldmine / Ewan McGregor
2001 – Super Troopers / Kevin Heffernan
2003 – Young Adam / Ewan McGregor (again!)
2003 – Brown Bunny / Vincent Gallo
2004 – Sideways / M.C. Gainey
2004 – Kinsey / Peter Sarsgaard
2006 – Borat / Sacha Baron Cohen, in photo (?) and censored hotel battle
2007 – Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story / Unknown and don’t care to
2007 – Eastern Promises / Viggo Mortensen
2007 – The Simpsons Movie / Bart Simpson
2008 – Forgetting Sarah Marshall / Jason Segel
2009 – Bruno / Sacha Baron Cohen (was it his talking Johnson?)
2009 – Watchmen / Dr. Manhattan
2009 – Observe and Report / The Flasher, also don’t care to know more
2009 – The Hangover / Ken Jeong, and perhaps Zach Galifianakis
In closing, I fear this may be the most comprehensive list of filmed penises on the web, and for that reason alone it was a truly Awful Battle.
If only there was a site that detailed all the female nudity out there…
How r-worded is it that we can’t say the r-word anymore? To me, it implies that those people who are mentally challenged are r-worded when I don’t think of them that way. R-worded people that do f-wording stupid things are r-worded! Does this logic make any sense? Or am I being completely r-worded on this one…
In the name of satire (according to Sarah Palin’s definition <– please check out the embedded video), I’ve collected a list of items that I consider r-worded, in relation to Actors! who played r-words on film.
Pretend that they’re the R-Word A-Wards:
R-WORDED COMEDY – “There’s Something About Mary” (which isn’t as bad as “The Ringer,” I guess)
R-WORDED DIRECTOR – M. Night Shyamalan (Proof – “The Village,” “Lady in the Water,” “The Happening”)
R-WORDED IDEA – Radio riding downhill in a shopping cart… unless someone’s filming it for Break.com
R-WORDED HAIRCUT – Come on Gilbert Grape, take better care of your brother.
R-WORDED USE FOR A BELT – Book Binder (AWESOME USE FOR A SLING BLADE – Murder Weapon)
R-WORDED BEATLES MOTIF – “All you need is love…” and better traction on your shoes when you’re carrying a cake
REGULAR LENNIE – He only wanted to tend the rabbits (R-WORDED LENNY – He hung out with Squiggy)
R-WORDED LOVE STORY – ‘Nuff said (“The Other Sister”)
Ben Stiller’s character in “Tropic Thunder” went full r-word in “Simple Jack”…
It’s final season is days away, and the anticipation of it is killing me. Not literally. It’s killing me kind of like how people get killed on LOST. That is, what the fuck is going on in that show?
Anywidmore, when the show began airing in 2004, only a couple of the cast members were familiar faces. If you happen to have a photographic memory, these Actors! would have been familiar as well.
This first clip is an old Old Navy ad. Keep an eye out for Fran Drescher, Oprah’s Stedman, and… Josh Holloway (Sawyer).
This second video is a commercial for the phone sex live chat line, LiveLinks. If I knew I could talk to Evangeline Lilly (Kate), I might have called. What do you mean you don’t get to talk to the girls on TV? What kind of operation based on lies are they running?
Remember the old game show, Russian Roulette? Well, Jorge Garcia (Hurley) has been trying to forget about it. (Purely my speculation based on unfounded made-up facts.)
BONUS: Besides Matthew Fox (Jack) and Dominic Monaghan (Charlie), and maybe Harold Perrineau (Michael) and Emilie de Ravin (Claire), Terry O’Quinn (Locke) should have been a familiar face, courtesy of his creepy performance in The Stepfather.
Homey don't... work anymore "My Wife & Kids" went off the air.
One day at lunch, a discussion occurred that revolved around how Saturday Night Live characters had their own movies, but In Living Color did not. We threw around Actor! names and characters, and it was decided that Damon Wayans’Homey D. Clownmight have the best shot at a movie.
But I disagreed.
Clown movies have never done well at the box office (by my summation). Here are the ones I could think of…
This early production by Kevin Smith covered a lot of dark themes, such as clown stripping, clown rape, clown vengeance, and attempted clown murder. Well, I don’t know if those are themes for sure, but they’re indeed dark.
Actor!Bobcat Goldthwait wrote, directed, and starred in this film about an alcoholic clown. He eventually would follow this one up with a film about a woman that had sex with her dog. Moving on…
Director Victor Salva went to prison for molesting his child star in this film. I mean, he didn’t do it in this film. It happened behind the scenes. But not necessarily on the sets. Once again, moving on…
I'm not afraid of clowns, per se, but aliens - yikes!
Of the first four films on this list, there’s a good chance this is the only movie you’ve seen or at least know exists. That still doesn’t make it a success. Everybody’s heard of Sarah Palin, too. (BONUS PARTISAN POLITICAL BURN!)
Now we’re getting into some well-known movies. This John Candy classic is on the list mainly because it possibly inspired Bobcat’s Shakes (as well as giant pancakes… why am I so hungry all of a sudden).
Apropos of nothing, John Leguizamo also starred in "The Pest"
This comic book character brought to life on celluloid isn’t as scary as he is gross. Speaking of gross, remember how gross the CGI was in this film? Relive the horror here.
This televised miniseries based on Stephen King’s book is well-known for being the source of many twenty-somethings fear of clowns. Also, did you know that in the book, well, I’ll let the very cool TVtropes fill you in:
Beverly Marsh has sex with the other members of the Losers Club (all six of them, one after the other, in a sewer) in order to re-forge the connection between them after defeating IT as pre-teens. It’s supposed to be a metaphor for moving from childhood to adulthood, but triggered many readers’ Squick.
With or without makeup, the leader of his so-called family sure can give Leatherface’s brood a run for the money. And leave me running for the hills have eyes.
These guys are arguable as clowns. Why? Well Jigsaw’s a marionette, Beetlejuice is the self-proclaimed “ghost with the most,” and The Joker… well… yeah, he’s a clown.
It’s hard to believe that the man who created this, once upon a time a long time ago created this:
“Where’s case THX-1138?” a nerd was overheard saying.
How many Slave Leia’s does it take to… I’m not going to finish that.
This explains why Chewbacca’s palms are so hairy.
I wonder what witticism Tom Bergeron shared about this one.
Han and Leia are such a Ross and Rachel… Will they? Won’t they?
These pillows are a part of the Gamorrean Collection, at Macy’s.
She could have been named Veronica of Mars.
Chuck that guy out of the picture.
Olivia looks Munn-derful.
Adrianne certainly Curry’s my favor.
Here’s another picture of Jabba. Because you can’t have too many pictures of Jabba.
The original Leia, Carrie Fisher, suntanning alongside the real Princess Leia.
Adrianne Curry Pissed Off 2010!
(SIDENOTE, BUT I”M SURE YOU DON’T CARE, BECAUSE YOU’LL NEVER MAKE IT DOWN TO THIS PART DUE TO BEING TOO BUSY CLICKING ON ALL THE ABOVE THUMBNAIL IMAGES: George Lucas didn’t necessarily create the look, but he did want it based upon Frank Frazetta’s paintings.)
Don’t let the pectacular stud on the poster fool you, this ending is full of non-sequiturs. Apparently, this film featured like 100 characters and required as many asides, glances, and incidents of closure. Don’t believe me about the amount of reaction shots? Look out for:
the creepy coach with dentures
moustached gymnasts
a mentally-challenged (?) wolfman-ish brother (?)
an 80’s rocker girl
Ocean Spray logos
smoking hands
the bad kid from Karate Kid
a Santa Claus biker with his child sidekick
lots of thumbs-ups
the return of an absentee (possibly recovering alcoholic) father
Made for CBS in 2005, at first viewing, you would think this film was intending to be a tongue-in-cheek comedy. According to iMDB IMDb, these are the categories it falls under:
Action | Sci-Fi | Horror | Drama | Thriller
With scenes like this it’s hard to believe, but with an ending like the one below, I’m thinking IMDb is full of kidders.
What can I add to the splendor of the horror that is this inept piece of cinema. Oh yeah. R.O.T.O.R. stands for: Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research. The flick’s poster is more robotic than the robot in the film, and it’s made of paper.
This one already made it’s way around the TripleDoubleU, but it has to be included in this Awful Battle. Creepy must hang in the air around any of the Jackson family… in this case, it’s Michael’s brother, Marlon.
There are few stones left unturned in this world when it comes to new inventions and products. Until robots or nanotechnology really take off, we’re left with these bright and shiny new ideas.
AWFUL BATTLE… GO!
Tired of staring at ladies’ asses, and not feeling any real connection? Then howzabout these!
Do you wish your dog would not be such an animal, and crap all over this place in public? Then you might be interested in this for your mutt’s butt!
Tired of torturing your small yappers by forcing tight sweaters over their head? Then you’re an idiot and you’ll love this!
Today’s competitors aren’t exactly on level ground. One’s a movie trailer (wait for the fart), one’s a movie scene (watch the whole thing), and one’s a re-edited masterpiece that borders on annoying until the money shot payoff (skip to the end if you can’t wait). The latter is by my heroes over at Everything is Terrible; the formers are all real.
If I told you most people are gullible, would you believe me? Also, did you know that “gullible” is the only English word not in the Webster dictionary? And did you realize that the man in the above picture can actually turn invisible?
Anywhogoesthere, here are three pranks centered around invisibility, and I’m not sure which of the victims would most likely answer yes to any of the above questions.
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 
