amazon

Hibbidy-Wah?! Amazon Banana Slicer Amazingness!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Initially, I was going to write about this bath salts warning video, but upon finding out about this, I couldn’t resist…

THE HUTZLER 571 BANANA SLICER

This is the original picture. Wait for the "original pictures."

This is the original picture. Wait for the “original pictures.”

Apparently, many people have taken great joy in usurping this product’s listing on Amazon.  You can check it all out here, but these are some highlights:

CUSTOMER IMAGES

All my bananas curve the wrong way to use the slicer. (CAPTION FROM SITE)

All my bananas curve the wrong way to use the slicer. (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Minds blown... (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Minds blown… (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Great product, but don't get it mixed up with the banana! (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Great product, but don’t get it mixed up with the banana! (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

CUSTOMER REVIEWS

Mine didn’t come with instructions, so I’m returning it. Also, call me when they make one that gives you smaller slices. -Pen Name

No more winning for you, Mr. Banana! For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story. Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon. -SW3K

I’m SO glad Hutzler came out with a plastic, dishwasher-safe version with this model (571). Finally! A banana slicer that’s TSA approved for airline travel in your carry-on luggage. With baggage-check fees being so high, I try to avoid checking bags whenever possible, but I just couldn’t travel without my (360-series) stainless steel banana slicer. But now, problem solved!!!! Travel with the plastic 571 version and no checked-baggage fees! No more having to use coffee stirrers from the hotel coffee service to slice my breakfast banana! You can even use it in-flight if you remember to buy a banana from Starbucks before you board. This will be perfect for our trip to Ecuador this summer!!!! Would have gotten 5 stars if it came with a carrying case to keep it clean. -Chryssa Jones

Waiting for 671 to buy. Need one of these *very badly* but anxious that as soon as I buy one… the next model will be out, what with all the new features and such. Don’t know if it is worth the wait, or if I will be disappointed with my 571 when all my friends have the 671? any thoughts? -rrrabbitt “rrrabbitt”

JusWondering… What Are These Strawberries Doing On My Nipples?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Usually, one goes to Google to find answers. 

Sometimes in searching, the answers find you.

By merely typing “what a” on the Google search line, the following list springs up:

whatarethesestrawberries

First off, in regard to the depth and breadth of the selections: awesome. 

That these are the most common searches (swine flu symptoms – twice, primary colors, Michael Jackson’s kids’ names, and hemroids [sic]) speaks volumes about Google users.  But Number One with a Bullet is what my quest will be about.

what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for fruit salad

Well, apparently it’s the title of this book:

whatarethesestrawberriesbook

So further down the rabbit hole I go, because I don’t believe this book really exists.  Of course, I’m basing that opinion solely on the following Amazon customer reviews:

I had been trying to figure out how the strawberries got there after my frequent blackouts, and this book answered that question for me AND told me where to hide the bodies. Thanks Vanessa! – M. Thompson

I had hoped this would have advise for handling situations where one finds strawberries on various parts of their anatomy. I’ve had strawberries on my buttocks for some time now and don’t know what to do. Unfortunately this book focuses solely on the nipples. Hopefully the author will pen a followup. – Nathan Kemp

This was a good read. Very informative. However I would also like to know what the Honeybaked ham is doing on my navel. – M. Houston

Since I was already down the rabbit hole, I decided to walk through the looking glass, and I found this:

(Vanessa Feltz) often specialised in sex advice, writing for the magazine Men Only, and her sex tips for girls book called “What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!”

It’s on Wikipedia, so it must be true!  And see how specialised has been specialized?  It has an “S” in it instead of a “Z” because she’s British!  This post was written by someone across the pond, and surely they wouldn’t lie!  I’ll even double-check the citation!

Wait. 

It leads me to Amazon’s UK page and this comment:

Upon purchasing it I was dubious, but a quick scan of the first page and I was enlightened in a way that Tibetan monks train a lifetime to achieve. She tells you the whats, whys and hows of having strawberries attached to ones nipples when trying to create a delicious meal… A must have for anyone currently alive or dead… Thanks again Vanessa, you’re a literary genius and possibly the greatest asset mankind has ever had. – sert

Blueberries on Bollocks…

InASense, Lost… “Hi, My Name Is Sean, And I’m A Webaholic”

Posted on by sgottahurt

In deciding between calling myself a netaholic or a webaholic, it was only then that I realized the similarities between a “net” and a “web,” and I wondered if such naming was on purpose, but I digress…

Allow me to reiterate.  I.  Am.  Addicted.  To the TripleDoubleU.  (I was tired of using these “.” for a moment.)

I’d like to blame it on the stock market crashing and I will.

See, I work in IT, and just like how a stripper doesn’t enjoy bringing her work home (maybe that was a bad example), I wasn’t too keen on doing much on the web once I got home.  I had five blogs I regularly read, and I played on the Hollywood Stock Exchange (my user name is TakeOne if interested).  Otherwise I did banking and billing (and occasional drunk purchases on Amazon or DeepDiscount).

But when the market crashed and EVERYONE panicked, my company’s clients held their breath and stopped calling, and I was suddenly left with a lot of free time on my hands.  I never got into MyBook or FaceSpace, so I started checking out this whole blogging thing.  Voila!  MonkeyBlogMonkeyDo was born.

But now I’m in a bit of a crisis.  Over the last six months, I’ve kinda developed a needto be online.  First off, I have way more than five blogs to read on a daily basis.  Plus I have two (and sometimes more if I feel like it) of my own to tend to.  Throw in my recent crippling desire to Twitter, and it’s borderline unbearable.  For example, how am I supposed to watch TV and DVD’s without a functioning laptop on top of my lap (functioning = online).

Where the major crisis stems from is the fact that the neighbor’s wifi I’ve been “borrowing” seems to have been cancelled.  I believe this started April 1st, and I’m beginning to lose my mind.

I live in Detroit, and my only option for a provider is Comcast, and I can’t stand Comcast (although I do love their new commercials).  So here I sit.  Writing this blog.  Using dial-up.

Maybe I need to get this (click here to take you to the site because I couldn’t post it via dial-up!):

The Innernette! It all fits on one CD!

The Innernette! It all fits on one CD!

 Also, I feel a kindred spirit in last season’s South Park episode, “Over Logging.”  If you haven’t seen it, check it out here.  Just be warned – there is a very gross scene that even Trey Parker couldn’t believe they got away with putting on TV.

Okay, sure, maybe I’m just being whiny, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t find it fair that no one else but Comcast has upgraded lines in my area to give us consumers some options. 

…mjusayin…