InASense, Lost… Superpowers We Lost – And The Ones We Gain

Posted on by sgottahurt

Diaper Man is one of the scariest thinks to look for on Google Image Search.

Let me begin by saying this: Cracked Magazine might have always been #2 to Mad Magazine when I was still watching Mighty Heroes and Deputy Dawg on Channel 20, but these days, Cracked.com has some of the best comedy lists around.

Having said that, a recent list they presented covered 5 Superpowers We All Had as Babies (According to Science), and it at first made me sad.  Look at what we (InASense) lost:

  1. Mega Mind
  2. Mutant Metabolism
  3. Hyper Hearing
  4. Extreme Eyesight
  5. Tiny Telepathy

If babies didn’t creep you out already, next time you see one, remind yourself that the little bald-headed mini-human is not too different from an infantile Professor X (kinda mixed with X-Force’s Warpath).

Then I got to thinking… what powers do we get when we get older?  Let’s begin the countdown.

5. Enhanced Mobility

Never frowned upon.

We all aspire to be lazy.  And I’m not calling old people who use mobile assistance lazy.  I’m merely stating that no one gives old people dirty looks for being lazy if they’re riding in a Little Rascal.  Because they’re old.

4. Living in the Past

Back in his day, laptops were where kids bent over to get the belt.

Change is a-comin’, and there ain’t no rest for the wicked.  Of course, I’m mixing my Metamucils, but my point is this: the future sucks.  Now kind of sucks.  The best way to escape all of that – remember the good ol’ days.  And talk about them constantly.

3. Mind Control

"Oh if I could only have some crumpets to go with my tea. Oh, you can get me some crumpets too? Bless you."

Sure, it might be out of guilt.  It might even be out pity.  But the elderly have a way of getting young people to do their bidding.  And the young person might even get a few dollars for their trouble, but the young person will probably give it back.  Mind control!

2. You Get to Say Whatever You Want

Game. Set. Match.

Loose lips used to sink ships.  Now loose lips are expected.  Be inappropriate.  Flirt.  Be rude.  Be sexist.  Hell, be racist.  You’re old.  All is forgiven.

1. Unlimited Drug Access

"Grams" could have more than one meaning.

Everybody thought it was funny when Grandma said she wanted to get a license for medicinal marijuana.  Now everybody’s jealous.

A Handful Of… Show’s Not Given A Fair Shake On TV (And “Too Bad It’s Cancelled” Lists)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This little list came to light courtesy of my pal Chris lamenting a few shows that have come to pass.  Two of them I had watched and whole-heartedly agreed with; one I had not watched but have since picked up on DVD for $14.99.

The one I will soon be watching: Life On Mars.  What’s there not to like about a cop getting hit by a car in 2008, waking up in 1973, and calling himself Luke Skywalker?  Add Harvey Keitel and bring to a hard-boiled pulp fiction.

Apparently I'm so out of the loop on this show, Rachel Lefevre and Colm Meaney (both on the right) never made it past the pilot.

The two I actually enjoyed quite a bit: Miss Guided and Kath & Kim.

Not pictured: Chris Parnell... He must have been at a viewing of "The Chronic-what!-cles of Narnia."

Miss Guided (not to be confused with Alicia Silverstone’s Miss Match) was about a high school counselor working at her alma mater with other former classmates.  That wasn’t used as a source of tomfoolery or chicanery; it just happened to be.  But they were entertaining characters in spite the “high-(school)-concept,” and I wish it couldn’t have been given more time.

Not pictured: dignity.

Kath & Kim was fairly unique for a couple of reasons:

  1. Its retro (?) gauche look.
  2. Its odd comic timing.
  3. It predates Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz’s new movie – Knight & Day – by two years.  (See… Kath’s last name is Day, and her beau’s last name is Knight.)
  4. I hate Selma Blair normally and I liked her on this show.

Though it took two episodes for me to get into this Australian remake, once I did, I appreciated the strange universe that Kath & Kim lived in.

It's like you don't know any of these people.

It’s Like, You Know… was another show that came to mind that never got a fair shake.  I watched it mainly because I was a fan of Chris Eigeman, king of the indie films I watched in college (most notably Kicking and Screaming – not the Will Ferrell version), and A.J. Langer (because she was cute).

It was about a guy (Eigeman) from New York that moved to Los Angeles and couldn’t get the lifestyle.  It premiered after I had moved back from L.A., so I had an extra appreciation for it maybe.  The best gag I remember from the show – nobody could recognize Jennifer Grey (who played herself) because she had a nose job.  It sounds mean, but it wasn’t.

"Yes, Dear," that is the second chick to babysit "Monk."

To me, this next show shares a distinct privilege with only one other show.  I must have watched the pilot for Boston Common more than five times before the next episode premiered (Pushing Daisies holds the paired seat).

What I remember enjoying so much about it was the perfect rhythm of its story mixed so well with natural humor. Anthony Clark was sincere (which was never attained ever on Yes, Dear); Traylor Howard was sassy (which she was able to showcase in the next show on my list, as well as Monk); and oh, I don’t know… it was charming.

Somebody lost count, apparently. And the pizza.

From the get-go of Two Guys and a Girl (née Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place), I knew Ryan Reynolds was going to be a big star.  It took a little longer than I expected (and a major workout regime), but I could tell his Chevy Chase-ish schtick was going to get him far.

This guy… I didn’t see it coming:

I guess he's not "that" big of a star... yet.

The last show in my A Handful of Show’s Not Given a Fair Shake on TV (and “Too Bad It’s Cancelled”) list is Stark Raving Mad, starring post-Wings Tony Shalhoub and post-Starship Troopers Neil Patrick Harris (you thought I was going to say say post-Doogie Howser, MD).

I was going to say I was stark, raving, mad this was cancelled, but I won't.

To think… if this show would have lasted, we may never have Adrian Monk and more importantly… Barney Stinson.

Beware of the Shelly Galezby area.

Happy Finds… Overdue Shout Outs To Some Nerd Sites

Posted on by sgottahurt

They might not update that often, but these are a few sites i enjoy checking up on from time to time.

Toys!

You want toys!

Then head on over to Weirdo Toys to find the likes of this!

Once upon a time, also found in my basement.

Cartoons!

You want cartoons!

Then allow me to present Worst Cartoons Ever!

Azula (from "Avatar: The Last Airbender") was picked the best villain after The Joker (from "Batman")... I can't complain about that.

Comics!

You want comics!

Well if you want comics (and TV and movies), then look no further than Atomic Gadfly!

Currently, there's a very interesting article about Don Glover's bid to play Peter Parker in the new Spider-Man reboot.

The final nerd site I’d like to recommend… this one!

JusWondering… Is It Better To Be First Or Last?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Will Ferrell would be the first to tell you, "Dunking is the last thing I'll try again."

This will be a simple study.  I’ll play it as a game of percentages whether a film is good or not, based upon reviews via Rotten Tomatoes.  Then I’ll make up some way to decide which is better – to be first… or last?

Let’s start with the “firsts,” first…

  • First Daughter – bad at 9%
  • First Sunday – bad at 14%
  • At First Sight – bad at 34%
  • The First Wives Club – bad at 42%
  • 50 First Dates – bad at 44%
  • First Knight – bad at 44%
  • Murder in the First – bad at 52%
  • First Blood – good at 86%
  • Star Trek: First Contact – good at 92%

Two out of nine films were considered good.  That means 22% of titles that include the word “first” are good.  One in about five is not a blue ribbon winner.

Maybe this kind of blue ribbon.

Last but not lease, here a the “lasts”…

  • I Know What You Did Last Summer – bad at 34%
  • The Last Action Hero – bad at 39%
  • The Last House on the Left (remake) – bad at 42%
  • The Last Boy Scout – bad at 43%
  • The Last Unicorn – bad at 50%
  • The Last Castle – bad at 52%
  • Save the Last Dance – bad at 53%
  • X-Men: The Last Stand – bad at 57%
  • The Last House on the Left (original) – good at 63%
  • The Last Samurai – good at 65%
  • The Last Station – good at 71%
  • The Last Temptation of Christ – good at 83%
  • The Last King of Scotland – good at 87%
  • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – good at 89%
  • The Last Emperor – good at 91%
  • The Last of the Mohicans– good at 97%
  • The Last Picture Show – good at 100%
  • Last Night – N/A
  • The Last Airbender – N/A

Nine of seventeen films that have been reviewed (Last Night and The Last Airbender aren’t out yet) were given good reviews.  This means that a little more than every other movie using “last” in the title (53% of them) are bound to be good.

So to answer the question nobody was asking but me, my new script called Last of the Firsts has a 75% chance at being good! Or does that mean it has a 125% chance of being bad?

No matter what, it still has to be better than First Daughter…

This is one of the worst posters I've ever seen.

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Can You Judge A Book By Its Cover?

Posted on by sgottahurt

No, it's "So, Duh! Pop Quiz"...

I contemplated going a few different ways with this quiz, but instead of having you decide the plot based on the artwork of the cover, I wondered if you could remember the title based on the artwork of the cover.  I was going to give you multiple options, but I remembered that I’m

    a) mean
    b) a jerk
    c) lazy
    d) all of the above

Good luck!  And sorry about my terrible skills as a Photoshopper on two of them (the other three were easy)!

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

BONUS QUESTION:  Three of these books have something in common (besides the being easy to edit part)… what is it?

(To check out some classic titles made sarcastic with quotation marks via College Humor, click here.)

(For the answers, check after jump…) Read More

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? South Park-tisan Politics

Posted on by sgottahurt

South Park creators (and in my opinion, geniuses) Trey Parker and Matt Stone have never taken any sides politically (via Wikipedia, of course):

Yeah, we have seen that. What we’re sick of—and it’s getting even worse—is: you either like Michael Moore or you wanna fuckin’ go overseas and shoot Iraqis. There can’t be a middle ground. Basically, if you think Michael Moore’s full of shit, then you are a super-Christian right-wing whatever. And we’re both just pretty middle-ground guys. We find just as many things to rip on the left as we do on the right. People on the far left and the far right are the same exact person to us. – Trey Parker

Okay, so they consider themselves middle-ground.  But what about their infamous foursome – Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny.  I placed them on the chart according to what I thought they represented.

  • Stan as Liberal/Centrist

Known for having little faith in the adults of the town, he’s supported most of the things that Democrats support: gay rights, civil liberties, and the separation of Church and State.  Having said that, he tries to distance himself from any political parties whatsoever.  And remember, this is the kid that refused to eat veal and grew vaginas all over his body.

  • Kyle as Liberal/Libertarian

Being of Jewish decent, he must be part Democrat. But otherwise, he favors limited government intervention, hence the Libertarian slant.  He’s considered the smartest of the four, and he’s least likely to fall in tow with the group’s wackier plans.

Libertarian’s worldview:

We hold that all individuals have the right to exercise sole dominion over their own lives, and have the right to live in whatever manner they choose, so long as they do not forcibly interfere with the equal right of others to live in whatever manner they choose.

Kyle’s worldview (via Wikipedia):

Either it’s all okay, or none of it is… (in regard to whether any subject should remain off-limits to satire)

Not really close to the same, but it’s something.

  • Kenny as Republican/Centrist

Aren’t all poor rednecks right-leaning heathens?  Moving on…

  • Cartman as Totalitarian/Republican/Fascist

More Totalitarian than anything else, it’s his way or the highway.  And then there’s always this:

"Respect my authoritah!"

Hibbidy-Wah?! Things You Did Not (Need To) Know

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is an oldie I forgot about.  I’m not upset.  It forgot about me, too.

This was sort of like a Happy Find of the Hibbidy-Wah?! kind.  It was originally on Everything is Terrible’s website, and it caused them a world of potential hurt.  Luckily someone else finally re-posted it, and Warming Glow brought it back to my attention:

And this little factoid will never leave my noggin:

(via Zany Pickle via The Daily What)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Preview “The Secret Of My Success 2” And “The Expendables” Twist

Posted on by sgottahurt

(Not So) Theatric Poster

Much like our friends and family (but not our nose), we can’t pick our dreams.  Sure we can influence them, but it’s still the subconscious that gets the final say.

For instance, I recently dreamed about a pair of entirely different movies and their REM-rendered interpretations were off, odd, and, quite frankly, awful.

First up to bat – the above teaser poster.  I didn’t envision the look of it (nor the amount of time it took to make it look like passable junk).  The plot of The Secret of My Success 2 came through to me like a whisper in the night.  Well, maybe not a whisper… more like a coughing hack.

The CEO of McDonald’s and his wife were having marital problems.  In stepped me/Michael J. Fox… I/he  suggested that the CEO sing this to his wife:

“Ba-da-bah-bah-bum… I’m lovin’ you.”

Boom!  I/he became a success at McDonald’s!  And it was our little (second) secret!

The other dream involved me seeing a sneak preview for a flick that hasn’t even hit theaters yet – The Expendables.

Suffice it to say, there was a switcheroo in the middle of the movie (a twist filling, if you will), and the bad guys killed off all the Expendables except for two…

Tough Guys: Topher Grace and Jay Baruchel

Musical Musings… What A Difference A Letter Makes

Posted on by sgottahurt

I'm about to turn your world upside-down, too.

I once wrote a poem entitled, “Where Do All the Deleted Letters Go?” (I considered posting it here, but that would have required me importing some old ASCII code documents into Word and performing a lot of clean up.  Needless to say, if anyone requests it, I’ll post it in the comments.)

Anywhoknowswhereallthedeletedlettersgo, one letter can make a world of difference.  Whether it’s changed out, or simply added, an entire piece can gain new meaning and influence.  Take the song Don’t You (Forget About Me) as an example (via Moviefone):

The theme song of ‘The Breakfast Club‘ was originally called ‘Won’t You Forget About Me?‘ but was changed to the more insistent ‘Don’t You (Forget About Me)‘ after the song’s writer, Keith Forsey, learned that Molly Ringwald’s and Judd Nelson’s characters wind up together in the end. The Simple Minds recording went on to become one of the biggest hits of 1985.

It’s not a huge deal, but it’s still a deal, so let’s make a deal or no deal.  Sorry about that.  I don’t know what my deal was there.

So I thought of a couple of letter changes and editions that might make a hit song not so much so…

  • Britney Spears’ Toxic becomes Tonic

Updated lyrics:

With a taste of your lips
I now did decide
You’re tonic, I’m sipping soda
With a tastelessness of a seltzer slide
I’m indifferent to you
Don’t you know that you’re tonic

  • Finger Eleven’s Paralyzer becomes Paralyzed

Updated lyrics:

Well I am paralyzed
And I seem to be stuck by you
I want to make any move
You’re also staying still
If your body matches
What my eyes can’t do
You probably won’t move left or right, too
Me in my bed by you

  • Kesha’s Tik Tok becomes Tike Toke

Updated lyrics:

Don’t stop, sip some pop
Mama, roll my doobie up
Tonight, I’mma bite
Teddy Grahams all night
Tike toke on the bong
But the blazin’ don’t stop
No No Joan
Goodnight, Moon

I would have written more, but I thought this was a funny enough ending.