In My Brain While Sleeping… Fred Armisen Gives Good Lessons

Posted on by sgottahurt

From the first time I saw Fred Armisen on Saturday Night Live, I knew he was going somewhere.  Between his times spent as topical comedian Nicholas Fehn (this is not from SNL):

As Venezuelan comedian Fericito:

And as Jasper the Parrot (transcript here), he stood out amongst the rest as somebody to watch.

Couple those initial appearances with his bit part in the underrated Eurotrip:

And I became a certified fan.

Now I’m in absolute love with his latest project, Portlandia, so it makes complete sense that I would have a dream about that show.

Essentially, he was portraying this feminist book store owner:

And she was giving a class on how to get comfortable saying the p-word.  You know, the word some women view as vulgar, but is considerably less awful than the c-word.  Okay, that still seems open to interpretation, because it could be prick and cock… I’m talking about pussy, people.  The word pussy.  Sorry I got a little cunty there.

Anyoregon, the class was a three-step process.

STEP 1

Say the word, pussy cat.  Imagine your little Nibs, or Mittens, or Bootsy, nuzzling in your lap.  Imagine your little pussy cat.

STEP 2

Now say the word, pussyfoot.  Imagine your little pussy cat pussyfooting around your tiny apartment.

STEP 3

Now imagine that in the corner of your small apartment there’s a pussy willow plant.  And your pussy cat’s highly allergic to it, but you forgot to put the allergy medication in the tuna fish breakfast you made.  And you tell your pussy cat to stop pussyfooting around your pussy willow.  Your pussy cat doesn’t listen because your words had no power behind them, and pussy cat dies.  If you can’t say pussy, how will you save Bootsy?

THE END

(I’m here all year!)

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… TV Show Diversity Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

As Seen On TV

For this edition of the So, Duh! Pop Quiz, I’m going to list shows currently running on TV, and list the ratio of main characters that are “regular white folks” to those that are different (this would include other races, sexual persuasions, and capabilities).  The shows examined are:

    a) Community
    b) Glee
    c) Detroit 1-8-7
    d) 30 Rock
    e) The Office

The ratios are as follows:

  1. 9 to 6
  2. 5 to 5
  3. 15 to 4
  4. 7 to 6
  5. 6 to 5

I hope I didn’t miss anybody; I hope I didn’t misrepresent anybody either.  Good luck!

The answers are after the jump. Read More

Awesome Battle… TV Show Destinations

Posted on by sgottahurt

TV is all about taking you to places you’ve never been, and these shows now make me want to go to these places.  Let’s go travel on this Awesome Battle…

  • Mumbai, India

Featured in NBC’s Outsourced, the cast of colorful characters make the country’s capital quite appealing.  The most populous city in India (and the second most populous in the world) as a possible vacation destination?  Why not?  Besides, I hear they have great burgers.

  • Portland, Oregon

Featured in IFC’s Portlandia, the dream of the 90’s is alive in Portland.  So is the creepy statue above called Portlandia.  It’s the second-largest copper statue in America after the Statue of Liberty.  And it’s creepy.  Just imagine looking up at that.  Creepy.

  • Pawnee, Indiana

Featured in NBC’s Parks and Recreation, this fictional city is probably more appealing because it is fictional, but with such a well-intentioned Parks and Rec department, the clueless citizens would be sure to pay me to, say, start up a marching band or build a monorail.

  • Cleveland, Ohio

Featured in TV Land’s Hot in Cleveland, it’s a place not too different from where I’m from, but I’ve always figured I should visit there.  One day.  I’ll get there.  It seems nice.

  • Bar Karma

So okay, yeah… the picture is of Australian Cassie Howarth, and she can be found on Current TV’s Bar Karma.  Bar Karma is beyond the universe and at the center of it.  It’s The Twilight Zone within The Outer Limits.  Developed by The Sims’ creator Will Wright, the show allows its viewers to plot the series.  Plus, did I mention Cassie Howarth is there?

CLOSE CALLS

  • San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua

Featured on CBS’ Survivor: Redemption Island, it exemplifies the old saying:

Life’s a beach.

  • Detroit, Michigan

Featured in ABC’s Detroit 1-8-7, the city looks pretty nice.  But in reality, it’s like that old saying:

Life’s a bitch.

Worth 1002 Words… Rubik’s Brain Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Head Games

Some alternates:

  • Peeling Lobes
  • Twisted Mind
  • Splitting Headache

(source)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Namely, Britney’s Dance Moves

Posted on by sgottahurt

To this day, I still have no idea how this video ever got released:

Britney Spears was only 17 at the time, and unless my morals have changed a shit-ton since 1999, having a (slightly) underage girl writhing about in a navel-exposing school uniform seems unlikely to fly today.

Um, guess again... (click image for video)

But that’s not what this post is about.  It’s about Britney’s dancing ability (or declining lack thereof).

Relax Chris Crocker, it's not going to be that bad...

I know she had a bad knee injury in 2004 (only because I looked it up), but the lack of moves in her new video for Hold It Against Me is tantamount to Aretha Franklin trying to dance.

At least in her (last?) video for Womanizer, she had the common sense to appear pretty much naked between dance moves.

Check out her latest, which is probably more about advertisement placement than anything else:

In closing, I guess I’m doing just like she said… I’m Holding It Against Her.

Bonus video after the jump… it’s about her tongue. Read More

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Is Robocop The Right Choice?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This has been pretty much everywhere lately, and I’m fine with it because it’s funny rather than tragic (well, maybe it is tragic).  But as it stands, it looks like Detroit is going to get this:

"The Spirit of OCP"

Here’s the catch, though… Robocop was not filmed in Detroit (there are only aerial shots).  It takes place in a future hell-hole version of this, um, hell-hole. The Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk comes into play because half of the funding for the strange project ($25,000 of the necessary $50,000) came from a donor out of state.  So a movie about Detroit that wasn’t filmed in Detroit is getting a statue in Detroit funded mostly by someone not from Detroit.

To borrow from another 80’s film – if you build it, they will come.  I guess.  But why quit there?

Here are some other cops that should be memorialized in statue form because their movies took place AND were filmed in Detroit (at least more than aerial shots):

  • Nick Tellis (Jason Patric)

The Long Shot

  • Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy)

Could Be Likely

  • Action Jackson (Carl Weathers)

Build This Instead

Hibbidy-Wah?! Hibbidy-Wowza!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Me: "I wanna be in a Modern Family." *stomps foot*

Sofia Vergara has proven herself quite the comedienne on ABC’s Modern Family.   This commercial proves she’s also quite the salesperson when it comes to Pepsi:

I didn’t get the joke at first.  That’s why I watched it twelve times.

Drunken Recollection… Portlandia’s Theme

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you are not watching this show, you haven't seen it.

Friday’s are the one day of the week I’m most likely to spiral out of control.  It used to be Mondays and Tuesdays.  And Thursdays.  And Wednesdays.  And sometimes Sundays.  Rarely Saturdays because that’s amateur hour.  But yeah, these days, I’m lame and go the extra mile on Fridays.

Now don’t you go and worry that I don’t drink any of the other days.  Because I do.  Each day.  Almost exclusively.  (Yes, I know what exclusively means.)

Anyputabirdonit, the shows theme song reminded my friends and I of an 80’s song.  Here’s the theme (and not the awesome premise theme):

  • Feel It All Around by Washed Out

I initially thought it was:

  • Baby I Love Your Way by Peter Frampton

But I was on the wrong side of that emotion.  It actually reminded me (and us?) of this:

  • I’m Not in Love by 10cc

In closing, please click on putabirdonit and premise theme.  This show is fantastic.

A Handful Of… Appealing Newscasters

Posted on by sgottahurt

It takes a lot to be a newscaster.  Unless you’re appealing.  Then it’s easy.

Of course I’m being sarcastic.  (Or am I being sarcastic by saying I’m being sarcastic?)

Regardless, here are A Handful Of newscasters that fared well in the looks department.  Call ’em appealing, call ’em attractive, call ’em hot… just don’t call ’em entitled.

First captured my attention: TV on main floor of workplace

I have to admit – I still haven’t heard Ms. Burnett in action, but she’s on the LCD monitor in our lobby everyday.  One day, I’ll hear her voice.  I hope she doesn’t sound like Miley Cyrus… (Burn!)

First captured my attention: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

She’s probably as stuck up as they come, but I can’t help my schoolboy crush on Ms. Kelly.  I’m pretty sure Jon Stewart feels the same…

First captured my attention: ???

I know she’s been in the biz for a while, but one day I just realized Ms. Curry is attractive.  Either she has always been and I’ve been too busy to notice… or I had a dirty dream about her that I don’t remember.

First captured my attention: saving the world on Onion News Network

You might not know her name, or her face, or her fake news show, but Ms. Alvarez (in reality, Suzanne Sena) is a presence unmatched by most real or fake newscasters.  She’s like the eye of a storm… that she caused.

First captured my attention: ABC's The Mole

I am only human.

InASense, Lost… I Didn’t Even Know They Were Broken Up

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sometimes ignorance is bliss (or is it always?), and this case of ignorance is a mixed bag.

On one hand, it’s good that I didn’t know this.  On the other hand, how did I not know this?  If I’m supposed to be on top of pop culture, how did Barbie and Ken’s breakup fly under my pink radar?

Well apparently, toy maker Mattel is letting the fans decide if they should get back together:

Just in time for Valentine's Day!

Since they’ve broken up in 2004, these are a few of the people the iconic doll has been documented as dating:

  • Blaine

*Not siblings

Alliteration is a popular device in poetry; it’s rarely regarded as all right in relationships.  Blaine was introduced to the Barbie line of toys almost immediately after she and Ken broke up.  Talk about moving fast.  The Australian surfer was instantly popular, and Ken wasn’t even manufactured dropped off the grid for two years.  A lot of people are crediting Barbie and Ken’s appearance in Toy Story 3 as the reason for the reignited romance… needless to say, Blaine has since fired his agent.

  • He-Man

Master of the Universe... not his domain

After a bit of a blow-up with Blaine, Barbie was caught going on a few dates with the alter-ego of Prince Adam.  The reason she cited for the short courtship:

Let’s just say every time he passed a mirror, he couldn’t help but touch his… Orko.  He was a chronic Master of His Universe.

  • Peter Venkman

 

Don't cross his stream.

 

Barbie was admittedly starstruck when she met the world-famous Ghostbuster.  They only went on one date though, because he seemed haunted by his former lover, Dana Barrett.  As all the celebrity tabloids perpetually pointed out, Dana dumped poor Peter for this guy:

 

Peter's been blue ever since...

 

  • Willrow Hood

 

Busy running from danger, with his trusty ice cream maker

 

Barbie met Willrow Hood while vacationing at Bespin City.  She really thought it could go somewhere, but nothing would ever come between him and his ice cream maker.  After this trip, she was offered her role in Toy Story 3, so the rest, as they say, happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

(SIDENOTE: BTW, they’re back together.)