A Pathname Less Traveled Is Less Traveled For A Reason

Posted on by sgottahurt

So let me get this straight... you cannot even drink beer?

So let me get this straight... you cannot even drink beer?

You know what… I’m kind of digging this blog thing.  I’m thinking about asking my site if she wants to go steady.  I already have the promise ring, and my letter sweater is sure to keep her warm on cold nights when we go walking in the moonlight, my arm over her shoulder, my hand feeling her up.  And I’m serious about it too.  How can I prove it?  These are some sites I wanted to start, but I’m cutting off communication with them immediately, even though I heard they do put out on the first post:

Site: DiatribalDance.com
Slogan: Another Way of Saying Hissy Fit
Purpose: An outlet to bitch and moan about things other people quite frankly could care less about. I’ve decided that’s what this site is for.  And I’m sure you could care less.

Site: AppleJuiceStains.com
Slogan: Porn Reviews In Fifteen Minute Intervals
Purpose: To make money… and have an excuse for watching a ton of porn.  The reason why I abandoned this concept is simple – I didn’t want to embark down that path.  That path being having to watch the entire DVD.

Site: NoonAtNight.com
Slogan: Munching at Midnight like a Mischievous Mogwai
Purpose: Who the hell knows?  But isn’t Gizmo so cute?

InASense, Lost… Vodka Tampons And Butt Beer Bongs

Posted on by sgottahurt

Chalk this one up in the category of “now I’ve seen everything.”  Necessity is the mother f-er of invention, and leave it to the people of this day and age to come up with this (or the children and kids, as the lead idiot doctor puts it):

Vodpod videos no longer available.

 

 

Now, aside from the fact that this may or may not be something new to the scene, one aspect of consideration remains: Stupidly, who gave these stupid doctors a show?  (<— In reference to random ethnic lady doc’s double vag comment… hilarious!  No?  Oh, well.)

One of my friends from back in the day, John, put it best.  At a Halloween party on U of M’s campus, one of our mutual friend’s roommates – who was a space aeronautics and astrophysics student, mind you – decided to streak around the block.  John’s observation: “I guess it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to be a rocket scientist.”  Check and mate!

(via Best Week Ever)

BC Jean To Fight Beyonce Behind School At 3PM Over “A Boy”

Posted on by sgottahurt

Ohmigod is she looking at me?!

Ohmigod is she pointing at me?!

This is kind of old news, but if you haven’t heard about it – Hey!  Hot off the press!

I heard the screeching mess that is Beyonce – er, I mean  Sasha Fierce, grrrr – on the radio today, and it trudged up my Capra-esque rage on behalf of the little man. The screeching mess in question: “If I Were a Boy.” The little man in question: cutie BC Jean (pic from Crazed Hits).  

SIDENOTE: You can hear her (original, better) version of the song on that site, or on her site which has a pretty cool piano interface (hee hee, interface… I don’t know what that’s means).

The source of my fury stems from a conspiracy that goes like this: producer Toby Gad co-wrote the song with BC, then he went behind BC’s back and sold it to Beyonce (I originally wrote Bitchonce, but you could see the flop it would have been… perhaps Bitchyonce?  Buttyonce?)  And since no one involved has mentioned anything further in the press, I assume BC was either fiscally compensated or fiscally threatened (see how I did that?) by tubby’s hubby, H.O.V.A.

The thing that I think makes me maddest is it doesn’t work!  (You seriously have to listen to both versions to understand my upset) Beyonce is not a twenty-something MySpace girl!  Some might say the lyrics apply to women from all walks of life.  Others might say I just hate Beyonce.  Mostly everybody would be right… mostly.

Drunken Recollection… Drinking Math Sucks!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Now with more granite!

Now with more granite!

Okay… I feel like I’m at full steam again.  It’s not like I haven’t drank ten pounds of beer before, but at age 33, I might as well be drinking Quikrete.  Actually, I don’t even think it’s so much of an age thing, or an amount of food eaten thing.  It comes down to a timetable.

In Chicago – 12 lbs. beer / 8 hrs = ah, who cares… I was going to make a big math post about drinking and yada yada… Since it’s already boring me, I’ll shift gears and chat about dead people jewelry.

Did you know you can turn the ashes of a loved one (already deceased preferable) into a diamond?  How crazy is that?  I mean, I guess it make more sense than keeping an urn on the fireplace mantle, but still.

It may seem insensitive (probably because it is), but I wonder what other kinds of memorabilia could fashioned out of cremated remains:

Maybe a Japanese Zen Garden.  How about a fingerprinting kit (human carbon has to be a lot safer than asbestos).  Then there’s always an idea like Litter Critters…

Why Do I Get Butterflies In My Stomach Whenever I See Chris Elliott? (Some Kind Of Answer Below)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m nursing a bit of a ‘gover right now (y’know… shorthand for hangover), so I’m going to roll these out as best as I can.

First order up – Chris Elliott has a daughter, Abby.  Now it’s not weird that this guy has daughter:

And it’s not weird that I’m very attracted to her (her impersonation of Kirsten Dunst):

What is weird is there is a family resemblance…  Maybe that explains why I’ve been dreaming about Chris Elliott for all these years…

Anywhopper, the point of this post is that Abby is joining the cast of Saturday Night Live, as well as Michaela Watkins.  If any of Chris Elliott’s knack for oddball comedy has rubbed off on her (wait, that sounds gross), then SNL will be that much better for having her (and much easier on the eyes… goodbye crush on Kristen Wiig!)

The only good thing to come out of five “Scary Movies”:

JusWondering… Movie Choices That Make Me Go Hmmm…

Posted on by sgottahurt

Why is it so difficult for TV stars to make a successful transition into film?  Is it that we, the viewers, the fans, the general public, have spent so much time with them, that we can’t believe them unless they’ve been typecast?

Hang ups, like a pocket full of Kryptonite!

Hang ups? More like a pocket full of Kryptonite!

...in the clearance bin at Walmart

...in the clearance bin at Walmart

Nah – I just think they have shitty agents.  Why else would “Friends” star, and former painkiller addict, Matthew Perry, be in this —>

Academy Award winner and star of the ever shitty “Mad About You,” Helen Hunt, gets to star in crap like this <—

(FYI – Cousin Ira was okay, in a Balki sort of way.)

After Prop 8, both ways are wrong

After Prop 8, both ways are wrong

As soon as you move your hand lower... lower...

As soon as you move your hand lower... lower...

Is this as good as it gets?  (Sadly for this blog – yes.)  Ask “Ellen” star, um, Ellen Degeneres if she has any regrets about this little diddy from back in the day —>

 Poor, cutesy, chipmunky Neve Campbell, formerly of “Party of Five” (and I’ll at least give her “Scream”) has something on her mind <—

And as an added bonus… who the hell knows where Leelee Sobieski came from, but she has one simple request:

Done and done.

Done and done.

Kiss My Glass (J/K… You Really Should Recycle)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Knowing my cousin, Steve, and his friends, they maaay have been drunk when they made this commercial for one of his classes.  But then again, his classmates might not be his friends, and therefore they weren’t drunk.  Either way, I think they did a smashing job.  (Ha!  It’s about recycling glass!)

They’re in a contest against other students to get the most hits on YouTube.  This is me trying to help out.  That makes me a winner!

In My Brain While Sleeping… Sabotage Live!

Posted on by sgottahurt

This one was a doozy.  It started with Jerry Mathers having his own talk show, named after the remake/update of his old show.  Problems were occurring on set between him and the crew, so they replaced him with Willie Aames.

Buddy... is in charge now bitch!

Insert: Buddy... is in charge now bitch!

Things weren’t going that well for him once he took over either.  He had all kinds of demands and rage fits (in retrospect, I’m beginning to think the crew was the problem).

How they decided to sabotage Willie was to have Subway sponsor a fund raiser he was hosting at a cancer center.  The catch: Subway canned their $5 Foot Long campaign for a new one…

There Willie Aames is... get him!

There Willie Aames is... get him!

Seriously… this was my dream.

INGREDIENTS: Peanut butter on a bagel, way too much blog reading

Drunken Recollection… Grade School Crushologue

Posted on by sgottahurt

Take a step into the barley and hops time machine with, while I recount my early crushes… in poem – I mean, rap:

Trini Alvarado in Altman’s “Rich Kids”/ 
Young Madison in “Splash” when they were just kids/
Princess Leia ridin’ on Jabba’s dirt skiff/
New Leave It to Beaver’s niece, Kaleena Kiff/
Got a little older with Mathilda May/
F-ed up in the head, crushin’ on Lady Jaye/
Jami Gertz was sure one hot Solarbaby/
Kim Cattrall was a doll from Egypt, baby/
Babysit with that babe, Elisabeth Shue/
Debbie Gibson brought love from outta the blue/
Amanda Peterson learned that love is free/
Brooke Theiss… Jamie Luner… how ’bout just us three/
Amy Dolenz is da bomb outta control/
…Still a little f-ed up for diggin’ Ariel…

(I tried to find pictures of them all, but I decided Google image searching kids might not be a smart idea.)

JusWondering… Logos And Low Blows

Posted on by sgottahurt

WTF? FTW!

WTF? FTW!

I do a hell of a lot of driving for my job, and I’m not complaining.  I consider driving sort of a past time of mine.

But every now and again, I catch the Sherwin Williams Paint trucks, and something about their logo always bothered me.

And I’m not alone in this.  A lot of other blogs have discussed that it reminds people of old lead paint lawsuits, that it can be offensive to environmentalists, and my favorite besides it looking like blood – that SWP shares its initials with the Socialist Workers Party (Gobama!)

This got me wondering… how could they adjust this image to make it better?  Turn that frown upside down and make it a fountain!  (Image after the jump.) Read More