Did He Just Say James “Siberius” Kirk? Don’t They Do More Than One Take?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Vodpod videos no longer available.Seeing as how I was supposed to get to see this preview attached to “Quantum of Solace” this past weekend, and seeing as how I didn’t get to see said preview for some quantum of a reason, I present it to you here.  Y’know, in case you didn’t get to see it too.  (It’s the new “Star Trek” movie, dummy!)

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Man, I seriously wanted some James (Bond) on James (Kirk) action!  O&BTW – the flick looks beautiful. 

No, no, don’t kick me in the nards for saying that! Uumph! (keels over)

(via Buzz Cuts)

Look At My Slo-Mo Pecks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Here’s a new literal video from Dusto MCNeato (his YouTube moniker).  Enjoy!

Empire To Strike Back Against Returning Jedi In Cage Match

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you ask any self-respecting “Star Wars” fan (they do exist) what their favorite film is in the trilogy, they’ll most often respond, “Empire Strikes Back.”  (There’s no need to say original trilogy because the other three flicks don’t exist – how’s that for denial?)

I used to say “Return of the Jedi,” because I was eight, and I liked the Ewoks.  But as the real-life encroached upon me like Vader’s Star Destroyer over the Tantive IV (I’ve said too much), the cynicism and hopelessness of the second film connected with me… even though I still like the Ewoks (I’ve really said too much).

Sci-fi heavy website, io9, has complied a list of the Five Major Flaws in Episode V (And How to Fix Them).  Many of the issues have the same solution, as in what follows:

The bounty hunters should have fought each other in a Bloodsport-style tournament. All those awesome characters, and all George Lucas can give us is the non-canon Tales of the Bounty Hunters, which is in book form, making it very hard to imagine how everything that happens looks. In ESB, we see Bossk sneer at Boba Fett—and that’s it. That breaks one of the cardinal rules in Robert McKee’s Story: If one character sneers at another and they don’t throw down later, the movie is ruined.
     The fix:“You are free to use any methods necessary,” Vader says, “but I want them alive. No disintegrations.”
     “As you wish,” Fett answers. He looks at the other bounty hunters. “Not that you crumbheads will have to worry about finding them anyway.”
     Dengar bristles. “Who are you calling a crumbhead?” [Note: “Crumbhead” is a total Corellian insult.] He steps to Fett.
     “Watch it,” Fett says. “My dad killed most of the Jedi.”
     There is silence. Finally, IG-88 says, “That’s quite a stretch.”
     “Enough!” Vader yells. “We will settle this in the cage.”

Check it out for some interesting complaints.  Otherwise, we’ll have to settle this… in the cage.

Lindsay’n Ya Later, Samantha!

Posted on by sgottahurt

She's the DJ, I'm the Twister

She's the DJ, I'm the Rapper (named Twista)

Oops!

Natural disaster and “Mean Girls” actress, Lindsay Lohan, is about to one up the title of the film that made her a star-on-the-verge-of-something-more.  You know… she’ll be the Meanest Girl.

Samantha Ronson, the DJ-on-the-vag-of-someone-more-famous, has expressed her desire to marry the love of her life, LiLo.

But as all the tabs and blogs have said all along (not verbatim) – you can take the penis out of the white trash, but you really can’t.

From IMDB (b/c I couldn’t find it on NotW):

A source tells British newspaper the News of the World, “Linds is on the brink because Sam won’t leave her side. Whenever she does, Lindsay’s on the phone telling her mates she’s decided she’s not a lesbian.

“Of course she still has feelings for Sam – but she also feels like she has to escape.”

Currently going down in Lindsay’s leggings (from her 6126 clothing line, duh!):

Vagina: L, I’m lonely.
Lindsay: Whatever do you mean?  Sammy’s always been good to you.
Vagina: But L, she’s not enough.
Lindsay: Sammy knows you inside and out.  She understands you and takes care of you.
Vagina: I know…
Lindsay: What’s the problem then?
Anus: Okay, you got me!  It’s not the Vagina, all right!  You know Sammy’s disgusted by me.  But the boys… the boys are really into me…
Lindsay: You’re right.  You win.  You should have told me it was you all along.
Anus: Amen to that, sister!  Emphasis on men.
Lindsay: Mm-hmm.

Finis.

Happy Find… Abby Elliott And The Upright Citizens Brigade!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Since the video on my other post about Abby Elliott got pulled, here’s a new one.  It’s from the Upright Citizens Brigade Midnight Show (that’s the YouTube channel it’s from, ‘natch), and it also stars Steve Agee (from “The Sarah Silverman Program”) and Jeff Sloniker.  It’s safe!

Here’s Some Tasty Competition, Taco Bell! (I Still <3 U)

Posted on by sgottahurt

La Shish kabob-bye!

La Shish kabob-bye!

I always pass closed La Shish restaurants in my travels, and it makes me sad that shady underpinnings (a euphemism for alleged terrorist funding if there ever was one) forced them to go, um, under.  Although I’d eaten at one of the original restaurants more than once (I assume that either of the Michigan Avenue locations in Dearborn was the first), I always thought it would be great that a local Arab cuisine could go national as a chain.

Oh well.  C’est la shish…  Other versions of La Shish have popped up in its place, even stealing its logo design, but they don’t have the same momentum as the original.  That is why I suggest going another route and follow My Taco Bell Plan.

In only one weekend, I can train any entrepreneur how to climb that mountain of creating a monster franchise and ring that bell at the top!

  • Step 1)  You need a catchy name.  Witness how Taco Bell rolls off the tongue.  Taaaaco Bell, Taaacooo Belllll.  La Shish worked well, but it name is tarnished.  My suggestion: Kebob Stop.  My other client, Dim Sum Gong, is already achieving some success.
  • Step 2) Ah, not so fast… you’re going to have to subscribe to my program to learn the rest.  For a flat fee of $20,000, I will teach you details to secrets like these: Lego style food design (Taco Bell makes, like, 30 dishes out of, like, eight items), signing a deal with PepsiCo (you have to get Mt. Dew, I promise you), and After Hours marketing (drinking and fast food go hand-in-hand… as does anonymous sex).

I’m also looking for developers for my Pierogi To Go and Taka Sushi restaurants.  Act now!

In My Brain While Sleeping… Perry Como Torture

Posted on by sgottahurt

I woke up this morning with this lyric stuck in my head: “Gee, the traffic is…”

I couldn’t remember the other word.  “The traffic is delicious.”  “The traffic is ridiculous.”  “The traffic is… delicious.”  I felt like Andy Bernard in “The Office” when he could remember the end of “Break me off a piece of that-duh-duh-duh!”

So first thing I do is turn on my pc to Google search the lyric, and found that “Gee, the traffic is terrific.”  Leave it to Perry Como to be happy about it!  And no wonder I couldn’t think of it!

Anywaterunderthebridge, I also dreamt an idea for “Hard Rain 2,” which may come in handy since Christian Slater’s once again out of work.  Although, in my version, Seth Rogan was one of the guys, and I think I had Nicholson Lite’s role.  I would detail it here, but it is actually pretty cool (IMHO) so I’m holding onto it for now.  If I change my mind, you’ll be the first to know (after any person I know in real life that will pretend to listen to me, i.e. my siblings).

(Some Andy Bernard highlights after the jump… and some bonus Creed.)

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Yippee Tracy Morgan! Boooo Kathie Lee!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Vodpod videos no longer available.Isn’t Kathie Lee Gifford such a scrumptious piece of heavenly delight?  Is not her sense of humor unmatched by the kings and queens and paupers of comedy?  Her comedic timing with Regis Philbin was impeccable, and often, she outshone him!  Even Tracy Morgan can’t keep up with her!  Amazing!

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(I pray that was a sufficient amount of sarcasm… I don’t have all day.)

(via Best Week Ever)

Happy Find… The Muppet Whatnot Workshop

Posted on by sgottahurt

Ever see something you didn’t know you wanted because you didn’t know it existed and then when you finally saw that it existed you knew you really wanted it?  **deepbreath**  Well, I just found something I really want that I didn’t know existed.

I can design my own Muppet Whatnot.  What’s a Whatnot, you ask?  So did I!

Apparently, a Whatnot is to the Muppets what a Redshirt is to “Star Trek” – in other words, a stock character, that’s usually lifeless in the end (‘cuz Muppets ain’t real… right?)

I don’t know to what extent the personalizations can go when there are only three body types (the samples they show are fairly unique), but starting in February, it sounds like you should be able to design the Muppet online at FAO Schwarz’s site.

SIDENOTES: I designed a “South Park” version of me.  And here’s a Redshirt Whatnot.

JusWondering… Can “Demolition Man” Be Right About Taco Bell?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Tacotacotacotacotacotacotaco Bell, Ding Ding!

Tacotacotacotacotacotacotaco Bell, Ding Ding!

For some people, getting recognized at any local establishment might be embarrassing.  For me, it’s something I strive for.  I like being a regular.  I enjoy the “Norm”-factor. On the bar scene, it’s great.  At a Taco Bell?  I might have to admit that I have a spicy meat and waxy cheese problem.

It occurred this past week when I got to the window.  The attendant remembered me and joked that my soda had “extra ice, just how you like it.”  Simply because I always order a #8 soft shell with a Mt. Dew no ice, and I have my four dollars and two cents in exact change, that doesn’t make me an addict.  And even if it does, it’s not my fault.  It’s because all those other asshole places don’t have as winning a strategy as my beloved Taco Bell.

  • First off: very few joints have my Spruce Juice.  It’s a Pepsi product, and since Coke is uber-global, the only other place I can Do the Dew is at KFC or Quizno’s. 
  • Second off: it’s a matter of price.  If I don’t go the soda route at the drive-thru (because I’m already packing), how can you beat $2.52 for a meal?  Well, except for a double dose of Mickey D’s double-cheeseburgers.  (Really, they should be cheese doubleburgers, right?)  Still, a meal and a drink for $4.02?  Zno’s and KuFCa are like MC Hammer in that “They do want they wanna do, say what they wanna say, live how they wanna live, play how they wanna play, dance how they wanna dance, kick and they slap a friend…” (Oh!  You thought it was going to be “They can’t touch this!”  That would have been better.)
  • Third off (a.k.a. the Bra-Layer, whereas the first would be shirt, and the second would be pants): the meat is a crap shoot.  Wait – that sounds terrible.  What I mean is, sometimes you might get jacked on the amount of beef or cheese you get, and sometimes you get hooked the f up.  It mixes gambling and eating and I like it!

All in all, I’m down with TB.  And I don’t care if I’m a regular.  I’ll be happy if it wins the “Franchise Wars.”  Now if you’ll excuse me – I just finished eating some Grande Soft Tacos and I have to go poop.