Musical Musings… Monkees Blog Monkees Do

Posted on by sgottahurt

"Hey, Hey..." is for horses...

"Hey, Hey..." is for horses...

This edition of Musical Musings is the beginning of something beautiful.  No, they’re not going to all be about The (phenomenal) Monkees (you/I wish).  Moving forward, I’m hoping and planning that they will be more coherent and thought-provoking than they’ve been, and much less pot-headed sounding (not that I was ever high when I wrote them… it’s simply reminiscent of my babble state, possibly brought on by my love of music and vast amounts of sugar-laced products).

AnyTheWho, here are some factoids (robotic-sounding facts that are in no way robotic) I just learned about The Monkees:

  • Glam rocker David Bowie was born David Robert Hayward-Jones and originally performed under the name Davy Jones.  Due to the rising popularity of the lead singer of this post’s headliner, he took the same last name as the Alamo hero, Jim Bowie, and his knife, which ironically shared the same name.
  • Michael Nesmith’s mother, Bette Nesmith Graham, invented Liquid Paper.  She originally called it Mistake Out; we mistakenly call it, White Out (which by the way looks like a horrible movie).
  • JazzSinger/songwriter Neil Diamond wrote four songs for them: “I’m a Believer,” “A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You,” “Lookout, Here Comes Tomorrow,” and “Love to Love,” and not “Last Train to Clarksville” or “Daydream Believer” as previously thought (by me).
  • None of these factoids have anything to do with The Monkees specifically…

(thank you Helle1981, Veness, and WendyLAnderson!)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Algebra(s) And Calculus(t)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Not to brag, but I was quite the whipper-snapper at math in high school.  In the honors program, A’s were the norm (there was one errant B in the third quarter of trigonometry), and I found out after graduation that my peers had a bet going if the valedictorian or I would score higher on the advanced placement test (more of them picked me than her… I earned a 5 out of 5, and I assume she did, too… but still… me > her).

Boasting does not become me, and since I’ve painted myself Just Sh–ty after claiming I was The Sh–, it’s time for me to deflect, quick!

So, yeah, math.  It used to be pretty cool to “know” and “understand” how to solve problems without calculators, to me at least.  It’s like history in that way – if you don’t learn from it, you’re doomed to repeat it.  Well, maybe not, but my point is this:

Kids today have it easy. 

Too easy?  I wouldn’t go that far.  In reality, does anyone really need to know how to _____ without computers?  In reality, kids today need to know more about the birds and the bees, than tangents and cosines, or in other words, more about f—ing than functions.

Over the past year, there has not been 1, nor 2, nor 3, nor 4, nor 5, but at least 6 (!) math (!) teachers that have been found guilty of becoming involved with their students.  That doesn’t add up.  (Sorry, had to.)

(Keep in mind the St. in front of each prof’s name represents Sex teacher, not Saint.  Did you buy it?)

BONUS!

Worth 1002 Words… Seinfeld Art Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

seinfeld-in-one-image

About Nothing

Some alternates:

(via BuzzFeed)

Click here for the chart of all the items in the image.

InASense, Lost… Dolls That Get Breastfed? Whatever Happened To Dolls That Just Pooped?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I suppose on some level, this was inevitable:

Mattel and Hasbro are chomping at the bit

Mattel and Hasbro are chomping at the tit, I mean, bit

Spain has introduced the world to Bebé Glotón (Gluttonous Baby), the, um, world’s first breastfeeding doll.  Sold in Europe for 44 Euros (about $63 here), it’s priced at almost double that amount on eBay, and that got me wondering… would Americans be willing to pay so much for such a product?  Who better to check in with than some Texans (because everything’s bigger there and we’ve been repeatedly told not to mess with them):

Hrm… that was fairly balanced and forthright.  But I like my stirring pot a bit meatier, so take it away Fox News (and very low-cut bloused, healthily-bosomed lady right there at the 0:04 mark… her genius is further exposed at the 1:54 mark):

YES!  Feel the uproariousness amidst the silliness!  I’ve already been “outraged” by stripper shoes for babies!  What’s next?  Umbilical cord piercings?  Toddler thongs?!  (Can I even type these things?)

If I’m gone tomorrow, know that I couldn’t type those things.  Or I started an umbilical cord piercing business…

(via Feministing)

Happy Find… STFU, Parents

Posted on by sgottahurt

Okay, I hate to have to subject y’all to another Happy Find so fast, but this is truly a sooper-dooper-mega-wega-Happy-Wappy-Find, um, -Mind…

That having been said, allow me to introduce to a collection of the most annoying ‘rents in the world on… drum roll please… you can’t?… okay, never mind…

STFU, Parents!

(For those of you uninitiated, and most likely it’s the parents that end up on the site, STFU = Shut The Fuck Up, thus adding it to my list of fucking Happy Finds.)

Required sample:

A Gold Star Winner per the site, and I agree

A Gold Star Winner per the site, and I agree

 With that, I bid you adieu!

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Disney Channel Meets MGM Gambling

Posted on by sgottahurt

I knew that someday the decision (or should I say gamble?) to build this park…

disneymgm

For the longest time, I misread it as "Miggum."

…would one day lead to a synergistic nightmare like this…

suitelife

Gold plaque! Wood grain! It's like they're twins! Fraternal, of course...

Disney’s television productions might not be the most soul-enriching shows in the world, but I never thought I’d see the day that the MGM Grand Casino in Detroit would use such a similar logo to promote a gambling contest.  I mean, kids that still watch The Suite Life of Zack and Cody shouldn’t be cross-marketed to in this fashion.  They are nowhere near old enough to be spending that kind of dough in an adult establishment on their allowances.  I’m not saying I’m against kids partaking in poker, roulette, or craps, but– wait, huh?

They did what?  Disney and MGM are no longer partnered together at the park, and they’ve got a new name?

disneyhollywood

I preferred Phil Collins' idea of redubbing it "Disney's Stu-Stu-Studio."

So, yeah… never mind this InASense, Lost.  Let’s chalk it up to a Coinkydink (coincidence) or a Coinkydonk (on purpose), because sometimes you never know what kind of gambles executives are willing to make.

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Life And Times Of Admiral Ackbar

Posted on by sgottahurt

"I'm your host, Admiral Ollie Ackbar, and this is my sidekick, Ed McMonCalamari."

"I'm your host, Admiral Ollie Ackbar, and this is my sidekick, Ed McMonCalamari."

This was one messed up dream, and it requires a bit of back story.  I don’t know if the back story occurred in the dream, or if my subconscious naturally knew it, but here we go:

Apropos of nothing, including Star Wars, Leno, Letterman, Conan, Kimmel, and Fallon, everyone’s favorite token Mon Calamarian, Admiral Ackbar, hosted the highest-rated late night show in America (think Krusty the Clown).  He was on top of the world, until one night when a prank went bad.

Apparently, a woman was invited on stage for a skit that involved ham, bacon, and other various pork products, such as, um, pork.  She was eight months pregnant, and against the producers wishes, Ackbar went ahead with the bit.  Something about the segment startled her and caused her water to break.  Live.  On national TV.

This lead to him getting banned from everything and everywhere, and he eventually went into the witness protection program when threats on his life seemed credible.  Now back to the present day… dream.

While living under his new identity, he eventually started butting heads with his handlers.  Unable to blend in, he put on an elaborate show which exposed his location.  Soon enough, the credible threat found him.  It ended up being a mechanical pig that looked a bit like this:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

The roboswine wasn’t the only surprise… 

All along, the reason the government thought Ackbar’s life was in danger was incorrect.  They believed it was because the public was outraged that he caused his audience member to go into early labor.  The real reason?  The pigdroid was upset about the wasted pork products, bitter of the fact that he no longer consisted of pork products.

And the meatless metal meanie never intended to kill Ackbar – he only wanted an apology.  The consummate host obliged and soon was back on top of the world.

INGREDIENTS: A late night helping of regular Oreo’s and a glass of chocolate milk.

Happy Find… Lamebook

Posted on by sgottahurt

I never got into either MySpace or Facebook.  The trendiness didn’t appeal to me (and for the record, I was into Twitter before the huge Twitstorm hit… luckily, it’s subsiding).

So it wouldn’t and shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to create a comparably named forum to mock the uncouth denizens of , and it didn’t (as far as I know).

Introducing (unless you’ve already met) Lamebook, where the h8rs can h8t freely, without having a Facebook account, courtesy of h8rs that have Facebook accounts.

From the entry titled, "That Sucks"

From the entry titled, "That Sucks"

This is a mere sampling of a sampling.  I don’t know whether I dodged a bullet, or I’m missing the gunfight, but for now, I’ll stick to Lamebook (even though it’s one of the rare websites I happily found that doesn’t have the word “fuck” in the title).

Hibbidy-Wah?! The Test That Proved How Amazing It Is I Can Survive Each Day

Posted on by sgottahurt

You may or may not have taken the “Awareness Test” before, but I couldn’t suggest it more.  It was put together by this country’s forefathers’ forefathers’ (and foremothers’) decendents, over yonder, across the pond.  (I’m talkin’ ’bout the Brits, you idiot!)

Anywhosyerforedaddy, I failed the test.  Terribly.  See how well you fare:

Awful Battle… Inappropriateness, Now With Kids!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Today’s competitors aren’t exactly on level ground.  One’s a movie trailer (wait for the fart), one’s a movie scene (watch the whole thing), and one’s a re-edited masterpiece that borders on annoying until the money shot payoff (skip to the end if you can’t wait).  The latter is by my heroes over at Everything is Terrible; the formers are all real.

(BONUS!  A re-edit of Gooby as a horror film.)

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

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