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monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Didn’t Know That Song Was About Strippers!

Posted on June 21, 2012 by sgottahurt

This is a post that I might have written back in 2006 is I had a blog. Man, I’d be worth thousands if I had a blog back then…

I haven’t heard this song in quite a long time, and I knew so little about it, I always thought it was by Chicago. I also considered it a love song about a special “one-in-a-million” girl since I heard it originally back in 1983.

The song in question – The Tubes’ She’s a Beauty:

But just like how my reality was shattered in high school when I realized two things that took me way too long to figure out:

There’s no way gum can stick to your ribs if you swallow it!
When Mommy was caught kissing Santa Claus, that was Daddy dressed as Santa Claus!

I just realized this song is about strippers! Or at least a girl in a peep show. Two key lyrics I didn’t catch until now:

She’s right here behind the glass/
And you’re gonna like her ’cause she’s got class.

She’ll give you every penny’s worth/
But it will cost you a dollar first.

WEIRD THINGS ABOUT THE VIDEO

There’s more than one kid in the video for a song about soliciting illicit women.
The drums look more like boobs than eyes, if that’s what they were trying to pretend the boobs were.
The boy trapped on the ride is Robert Arquette… who would grow up to become Alexis Arquette.

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Kitchen Sink

Posted on June 20, 2012 by sgottahurt

This is one of those dreams that I shouldn’t share because, quite frankly, it made no sense. So here we go! (With pictures! (And videos!))

I was a writer on Saturday Night Live.

And I was proud about a skit I wrote in which adults were trying to pass each other holding on the top pole of a swing set.

But then they ended up having Krazy Glue hard hats on and stayed in place.

I ran into President Obama at a shopping mall and told him the skit’s premise. He did not find it funny.

Oh yeah… did I mention it was Lingerie Day? All over the mall, women were only wearing lingerie.

And how could I forget to tell you it was coincidentally also Free Ice Cream Day?

But to get free ice cream, you needed a ticket from a sponsor. Every sponsor I checked in with ran out.

I decided I was going to eat ice cream anyway since there was so much leftover. As I moved in, a friend that was working gave me permission to pig out.

That’s when I shared my theory on food portions:

When free food is provided, you should take a fair portion first. Once everyone has gone through the line, you can take a second helping of a higher portion. This does not apply to pizza. More pizza can only be taken in the third round.

That’s about when I overheard a man tell his wife: “You told me not to think!”

My punchline: “She had to tell you not to do that?”

I’d like to think if he was still there, this was his response.

Then I awakened to this song playing on the radio:

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–… Songs About The Number One

Posted on June 19, 2012 by sgottahurt

ALTERNATE TITLE: Just #2-y To The #2

Where do I began to express my love of the number one?

It’s always first.
It’s the least of anything you can have.
It’s the exact amount of people I care about in this world.
I am always looking out for it.

With that having been said, here’s how I rank various musicians takes on the number that goes best with the letter A:

JUST SHITTY – METALLICA’S ONE

Metallica sucks except for one song, and mostly because of Lars Ulrich’s battle against Napster.

BIG POO – FAT JOE’S ONE, FEATURING AKON

Fat Joe’s normally tolerable, but by involving scumbag Akon, this song drops like a deuce.

MORE CRAP, INDEED – U2’S ONE

I should like more songs by U2, but there’s an air of pretension in their music. Or is that just gas?

ROYAL TURD – ELTON JOHN’S THE ONE

This was released during Sir Elton John’s renaissance years (the 90’s), and since he’s a respected musician (except for those stupid Pepsi commercials with that chick who won X-Factor that no one knows), you knew he’d doo-doo well.

DISCO CACA – BEE GEE’S ONE

Another renaissance song from renowned musicians. I’m doing my best to not use diarrhea in some pun.

#2 – NELLY’S #1

Nelly’s had a fair share of shits, but they’ve been hits and misses when it comes to me. This one hits.

TIM AND ERIC’S I SIT DOWN WHEN I PEE

*bows*
(exits stage left)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Those Are Some Good Questions About “Prometheus” (SPOILERS)

Posted on June 18, 2012 by sgottahurt

If you haven’t seen Ridley Scott’s Prometheus and you’re planning to, don’t watch this video.

If you’ve already seen it, and didn’t even ask yourself a few of these questions, heaven (which apparently is full of Space Jockeys) help you.

I applaud sci-fi films that take a less-is-more stance. My biggest problem with this film was all the on-the-nose dialogue. But I have to admit, it sure was pretty… unlike the above reviewers.

The Silver Lining… Sometimes Watching Commercials Can Bring Surprises

Posted on June 13, 2012 by sgottahurt

The other day, I was a little lax on my DVR commercial skipping, and this commercial came on:

What the fuck is this movie?! Branded! It’s not even on Wikipedia (all hail Wikipedia). It’s barely on IMDb…

It looks like it could be a kick-ass movie; it also looks like it could dumb as hell.

But either way, I’d know nothing about it if – *gulp* – I didn’t watch the commercials.

(P.S. I guess it’s a Russian film. Could be Night Watch; could be The Darkest Hour.)

JusWondering… How Did This Make It To TV?

Posted on June 8, 2012 by sgottahurt

TBS might not be the benchmark of great television, and even though its slogan is “Very Funny,” that doesn’t mean it’s true. Case in point – how did this show make it to TV?

The point of a preview is to show funny things if it’s a comedy, right? Then why do promos for Men at Work show anything but?

Unfortunately, I was unable to find any more extensive previews, so allow me to transcribe some of the “jokes”…

In one exchange, a douche from this show is mad at the guy from NBC’s Las Vegas for banging his cleaning lady. They go back and forth repeating the word bang a lot. Which prompts the punchline: “I don’t believe how many times you guys said the word bang.”

In another scene, the guy from Fox’s That 70’s Show asks a woman on a date. The three other jackasses dance using lewd sex moves in the background. Her response: “They know I can see them right?” His punchline: “Yeah, they don’t care.”

And for my last bit of torture, the guy from NBC’s Las Vegas tells the guy from Fox’s That 70’s Show to not dwell on his break-up forever. Setup: “It’s been like an hour.” Punch-in-the-throat-line: “Yet we’re still talking about it.”

I can’t recall any others, and I don’t care to.

You want comedy? I don’t know if it will satiate you, but it’s light years better than Men at Work:

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Sometimes Titles Are Just The Same

Posted on June 7, 2012 by sgottahurt

I’ve never claimed to be hip. But then again, I’ve never claimed to be elbow either. (I should stop claiming to be funny.)

So when I recently discovered that rapper T.I. had a song called Rubber Band Man, somewhere deep in my core idiot actually hoped and thought it might be a remake (or let’s say, re-imagining) of The Spinners’ The Rubberband Man.

Needless to say, I was sorely mistaken:

You see, one’s a song that I’ve been told I loved as a baby (that’s about a fat kid); the other is about how a drug dealer uses rubber bands on his wrist to hold money. How’s that for a remake/re-imagining?

Happy Find… Fun, Fun, Fun Conspiracy Theory Of The (Last) Year

Posted on June 6, 2012 by sgottahurt

I’m very late to this, but since it was new to me and I found it enjoyable, I shall share it with you:

Sorry if it’s fuzzy… transcript below…

(via)

What the theory states:

The song [Rebecca Black’s Friday] is about the JFK assassination. The name of the driver of the car he was assassinated in was Samuel Kicken (Kickin’ in the front seat, sittin’ in the back seat…)

The assassination occurred on a Friday, and when he was shot, the Secret Service yelled at Jackie Kennedy to “get down” (Gotta get down on Friday…)

Parts about the Cold War and the spread of Communism are referenced (Everybody’s rushin’ = Everybody’s Russian…)

And to top it all off, in the hotel that morning, JFK declined a breakfast of sausage, eggs, and toast for a bowl of Bran Flakes instead (Gotta have my bowl/ Gotta have cereal…)

Also, the following Monday, JFK was supposed to sign a bill into law requiring all public schools to provide bus transportation for their students (Gotta catch my bus…)

Now, I’d like to believe this is all true, but the very first item I cross-referenced (JFK’s driver was Sam Kinney, not Sam Kicken) came up as a negative, so rather than destroy the beauty of its lunacy, I’m gonna stop there.

A Handful Of… Carly Rae Jepsen Riffs

Posted on June 5, 2012 by sgottahurt

If you haven’t heard the song Call Me Maybe by Canadian Carly Rae Jepson, consider yourself lucky… or a recluse.

In case you haven’t, here’s a refresher (the video actually made me laugh if you’re willing to put up with the teen pop… apparently, I am):

What’s interesting to note is the amount of comments attributed to mocking her chorus:

Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s my number
So call me, maybe?

Here are A Handful Of Carly Rae Jepsen Riffs (borrowed liberally from comments on YouTube):

Hey I just met you/ And this is awkward/ But here’s my number/ Cuz I’m your stalker
Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ My name is Kony/ I stole your baby
Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ I have Alzheimer’s/ Hey, I just met you
Hey, I just pet you/ Dog you’re crazy/ You just bit me/ Now I have rabies!
Hey, I just met you/ And this is crazy/ I’m a pirate/ So call me matey

And here are some pretty good visual ones as well:

Musical Musings… Another Round Of “This”…

Posted on June 4, 2012 by sgottahurt

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about songs that have unexplained “that’s” in their lyrics (here and here), or as I called it, obvious ambiguity. So this time around, I’m focusing on songs that are centered around “this.”