When I’m sleeping, I don’t particularly enjoy being in my own mind.
I’ve recently dreamt…
my alarm clock was yelling at me
I was on trial for drug possession in Jamaica
I was in an old Kmart eatery with a bunch of stuffed shirts discussing how fantastic the original British version of The Office was
This has nothing to do with the picture, but I used to think Martinizing was pronounced Martini-Zing!
What I would like to know is why am I having other people’s dreams lately?
Not that kind of client. Thank Tron.
It’s been completely from another person’s perspective, and not in the way that “it’s me/not me.” I’ve been other people I know interacting with me – my family, my friends. The strangest, by far, was when I was one of my clients.
None of this is particular fascinating, I’ll admit, but it reminded me of the opening scene of Richard Linklater’s Slacker. He’s actually the guy in the cab explaining his theory on dreams and where they come from. It’s more in relation to the regular “it’s me/not me” flights of the subconscious, than of the “completely being someone else” variety. Maybe if he ever gets to Slacker 2: The Awakening, he’ll have my answers then.
Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem. What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…
In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake
Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:
"I'm Rock Bottom."
Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One
My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes. We debuted them last week at my brother’s party. It was a blast. The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus. Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…
Musical Musings… How Do You Kill The Gill Man?
Is this a good song? No. But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)
Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?
PB Max... PB Twix... hmm...
I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990. It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday. (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later. You can do the math.)
Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone. A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candyC see).
Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings? The night’s supposed to be scary for kids. It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.
Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition
Boxing Match
(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)
Back in the last century, a song arrived on the scene that captivated audiences for like, weeks. That song: Lou Bega’s Mambo No. 5. Here’s the backstory about how it entered my life…
I was backpacking through Europe with one of my sisters, and I met up with my other sister in Italy. She told me above this crazy song she kept hearing everywhere, and I didn’t encounter it until arriving in Amsterdam. As a joke, I bought the single to give to her upon returning home, but little did I know that while we were travelling, our place of employment (Circuit Shitty) started playing Mambo No. 5 on the in-house TV network. Joke ruined.
Exciting, I know. It’s taken me many, many years, but I might have found the predecessor to Bega’s catchy minor hit, but I’m not sure which one lives up to it more. The options:
Michael Franti and Spearhead may have saved the day by stopping by to Say Hey.
Or maybe Pitbull (seriously, that’s his name) got a bite on the competition, and pooped out the earwormI Know You Want Me.
As I learned somewhere a long time ago, if you can’t figure something out, just make a chart. Was it a friend? A parent? Or a math teacher? We’ll never know.
When these commercials first came out, I loved them. I’ve worked in IT for almost ten years, and the lowest moment for me was the release of Windows Vista.
Which is why the Mac Vs. PC commercials always made me smile – they had a point. In reality, if I had to deal with issues involving Vista any more than I did, I would have switched to Apple’s operating system (and more expensive equipment) in a heartbeat.
But now, with the release of Windows 7, which is getting reviewed way higher than its predecessor, are these commercials going to be obsolete:
Will they be like The Daily Show with John Stewart in a post-Bush era? (Still funny, but not as biting…) Or will Windows 7 fail to impress in the long run, thus providing continual fodder for the mocking ads?
I think the jump ship mentality that Vista wrought has come to an end, and I have had limited interaction with 7 so far. I have another friend that works at a different level of IT than I do, and he claims to love it (out of 700 pc’s he’s worked on at clients, less than 2% used Vista… or at least thereabout).
So is the campaign still ripe with humor? Or has something that was The Shit become Just Shitty? I’m inclined to think Apple’s advertising team needs to go back to the drawing board or whatever high-end technology they have, despite how funny I think John Hodgman is, or how funny Justin Long arguably may be.
One question remains though. How did they count to Windows 7?
By my count:
Windows 3.1
Windows 95
Windows 98
Windows Me
Windows XP
Windows Vista
Windows 7
But Windows 3.1 was Version Three-Point-One. And what about this Windows 2 that’s mentioned in the commercial above? That’s either Just Shitty writing, or it’s flat-out Just Shitty.
Self-help videos may be a thing of the past (YouTube anyone?), but they were vital to making me the me I am today. I’m the best kisser anyone knows, and I can take down the biggest bullies just long enough to run away in a hurry. Want to know what I know? Check these videos out!
Cartoons, just like toys, aren’t only for kids anymore. We might be able to think the Japanese for that, but it might also be this current generation of man-children at fault.
The following videos are proof of that (only one Japanese one in the bunch… try and guess which one). Why else would there be:
a woman licking a horse and being offended by its erection
Jesus turning water into whiskey at a rave and space monkey angels
a gaggle of panties flying in the V-formation (not sure if it’s meant to be ironic)
selfish children getting devoured by cockroaches
Despite all being well-done, they burnt my brain. Which is the worst?
This got me thinking… what other foregone technologies would I like to see return?
1) Spindle
In fairy tales, they were able to spin straw into gold. They also acted as GHB when it came to princesses. So maybe they shouldn’t come back.
2) Dick Tracy Copmobile
With technology like that, kids’ imaginations had to flourish. (See the original toy commercial down below.)*
3) Top Loading VCR’s
“What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” “The VCR heads!”
Nostalgia and functionality and purpose aside… look at how easy it was to use? With all those dials and switches and buttons, you could set the clock! (Ra-tat-tat-CRASH!) Of course I want it back for nostalgic reasons (but still not functionality and purpose).
4) Libraries
The Dewey Decimal System was "thisclose" to being the Huey Whole Number System. The Louie Lottery System wasn't even close.
There’s something terribly wrong with kids today, and I stand by two reasons why:
Siblings each having their own bathroom growing up, instead of fighting to share one.
Libraries aren’t used as social gathering places anymore.
Wait, what? Libraries still exist? I thought the Internet would have surely killed them. My bad.
SIDENOTE: While we await the Instant Cameras’ re-release, why not pick up this camera that logs every moment of your life? It’s like YouTube meets Twitter!
You know you want it
*Original Dick Tracy Copmobile commercial after the jumpRead More
Harrison Fucking Ford. It’s his middle name, really. (No, not really. He has none. He did go by Harrison J. Ford early in his career as not to be confused with the silent film actor of the same name, but I digress.)
Back in the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and, um, just 2000, Ol’ Harry was at the top of his game (for the most part). Not only did he bring us the above two scoundrels with their hearts of gold (each for three movies, since there is no Crystal Skull, just as there are no prequels), he also brought us:
a cowboy in a roadster (American Graffiti)
a cowboy in a temple (The Frisco Kid)
a detective in a strange land – the future (Blade Runner)
a detective in a strange land – Amish country (Witness)
a doctor chasing after terrorists who kidnapped his wife (Frantic)
a doctor chasing a one-armed man who murdered his wife (The Fugitive)
a doctor chasing his wife to murder her (What Lies Beneath)
a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Presumed Innocent)
a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Regarding Henry)
a business man with love problems (Working Girl)
a business man with love problems (Sabrina)
a cop that shares his home (The Devil’s Own)
a cop that sells homes (Hollywood Homicide)
a politician having a problem before a plane crash (Air Force One)
a politician’s aide having a problem after a plane crash (Random Hearts)
a father in the jungle (The Mosquito Coast)
a pilot in the jungle (Six Days Seven Night)
a soldier during the Vietnam War (Apocalypse Now)
a soldier during the Cold War (K-19: The Widowmaker)
Jack Ryan (Patriot Games)
Jack Ryan (Clear and Present Danger)
a flop (Firewall)
a flop (Crossing Over)
Whew. That was easy.
Anywookiee, there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Despite the missteps in the late 90’s (Sabrina, The Devil’s Own, Six Days Seven Night), he had a good run. What changed, you might ask. I might say:
Sixty-five-year-old Harrison Ford met Calista Flockhart, 44, in 2002, when she reportedly spilled wine on him at the Golden Globes. The pair immediately started dating and have been together ever since. (via iVillage)
A-ha! Calista Fucking Flockhart happened! So if Harrison Ford wants to get back to creating iconic characters, he needs to say sayonara to Ally McBeal. I know they’re engaged and he co-adopted her adopted son, but it’s never too late to get out of it…
Harry – remember how much divorce costs? $85,000,000 ring any bells? (Notice the date of this article announcing his break from Melissa Mathison.) Don’t you see what a mistake K-19: The Widowmakerthat ridiculous Russian non-accent leaving the beloved screenwriter of E.T. did to your film career?! Here’s to hoping you lose those diamond earrings and that “television star,” and you’ll return to save the Star Wars series in Episodes 7, 8, and 9!!!1! You can even have Han Solo die in 8 and skip 9 if you’d like! Whatever it takes! Be daring like Indy used to be!
Your mother and father wanted you to steal our hearts and imaginations, but all you did was help them crash a giant flying Jiffy Pop bag. And you may not have done that…
But one thing you did for sure – you totally crashed their dreams of more exposure.*
(SIDENOTE: Disney/Pixar’s UP will be available November 10th on Blu-ray and DVD)
Arriving November 10th
So let’s make this clear. Six-year Falcon Heeneconfessed stated:
You guys said, ‘We did this for the show.’
Which show was he talking about? Another episode of ABC’s Wife Swap? (They’ve already participated in two key parties swaps.)
Oh yeah, did I mention that on the 10th of November, you can get your own copy of Disney/Pixar’s UP on Blu-ray or DVD?
Buy It November 10th
What makes me mad about this fiasco is that so much time, money, and effort was donated to and wasted on what was possibly some big publicity stunt. It definitely detracts from other miracles involving children in dangerous situations, such as this little girl in Washington:
In both of these instances, those we’re supposed to protect were not, but they luckily seemed to be protected by some higher power, call it whatever name you pull out of the hat. And though these two children faced minor injury (but maybe major trauma), their stories of survival are far more interesting than some goof played by some goofball parents and their goofball kid. And they named him Falcon? Seriously?
*Disney/Pixar’s UP is finally “landing” on Blu-ray and DVD. Look for it November 10th.
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