TV

Drunken Recollection… More Or Less Than Jake

Posted on by sgottahurt

Let me begin with this: last night I saw Less Than Jake in concert at St. Andrew’s Hall in Detroit, and I.  Had.  A.  Blast.

It was quite possibly one of the best concerts I’ve been to in a long time, and I’m pretty sure it can be attributed to going with my brother, Scott, and my cousin, Steve, the fact that I’ve been a fan of LTJ since their Losing Streak album came out in 1996, and lots and lots of draft beer.

I swore to try to remember as much of the highlights as possible.  So here I go:

  • We started at the casino.  Scott and Steve had been drinking prior to, and I was playing catch-up (I think Steve was playing mustard).  Scott was recounting how at one concert he was hit in the head with a full water bottle and got knocked out for a bit.  This will play out later.
  • Having only one phone between us, we decided we should make our way to the show so as not to miss LTJ.  We got there in time to see the Flatliners (not the Julia Roberts/Kiefer Sutherland pic).  We were glad not to miss any of the main act, but we wished we could have gambled more.  Especially once I realized they had Star Wars penny slots.  May the force be with the 30-line spin!
  • We laughed at a woman wearing Mom Jeans and her man that looked like Tom Cruise circa The Firm.  Steve would end up befriending them and giving them high fives later, but still…
  • I thought of a pickup line.  Then I thought it might work as a pickup line to ask if the pickup line would work as a pickup line.  I was going to ask one girl but her man came back.  So I turned to another girl who was way too crossed-eyed to be so snotty in my opinion, and I said, “I heard your brother’s the drummer in the band.”  Her response, “If my brother was in the band, I’d be backstage, duh.  But nice try on the pickup line.”  Steve returned from the restroom or a beer run, and he heard the ending.  He thought I asked about the line, but I informed him that I just used it as is.
  • A gaggle of older dudes (my age) started moshing at the back during the second opening act, which was the more more accessible band called the Expendables.  One dude bumped me more than once which caused me to spill beer on Scott’s phone.  I turned to face them and the dude’s friend apologized.  What I said to appease him, I want to put on t-shirts:

Like this but better... not much better, though.
Like this, but better… not much better, though.
  • Also, the dude that made me spill my beer wanted to get punched in the face… he told me so.  I said I would, but he had to punch me too, kinda like a Rocky/Apollo Creed freeze frame kind of thing.  His friend told us to wait until after the concert.  I agreed.
  • Once LTJ started, the mosh pit was incredible.  Being one of the taller guys, I’m usually asked to lift people to body surf, but not as many people were willing to for some reason.  At the end of the regular show, I decided to go.  The bouncer that flipped me over told me I was too big to be doing this.  I agreed.
  • When the encore was in full swing, some of the kids that helped me up before wanted me to do it again.  I told them I was yelled at last time, which only spurned them on more.  So I went up again, and the bouncer repeated the fact that I was too big to be doing this.  If I did it again, I was going to get kicked out.  I didn’t go back by those other kids again.
  • It was about this time that Steve was high-fiving Tom Cruise and Mom Jeans.  Scott had been hit in the head, but by something other than a water bottle.  This little kid appeared out of nowhere as the main floor cleared, and he was picking up who-knows-what off the floor.  I saw the friends of the dude I was supposed to punch, but they lost him.  They informed me that if I saw him, I should swing for his right eye, because his left eye was already bruised.  I agreed.
  • Scott was going to sleep in the car while Steve and I would gamble more.  We parted ways at the garage.  As we were wandering around in the casino, we ran into Scott.  He couldn’t find the car.  It was amazing to stumble across each other because only Scott had a phone.  Lucky!
  • I lost ten bucks in the Star Wars penny slots.  I would have only lost five, but a woman asked me to watch her spot so she could run to the restroom.  I only had thirty cents left, so I threw in another five.  More or Less Than Jake, it was a good night.

JusWondering… Is Josh Groban Cool?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This has been something creeping in the back of my mind for awhile now.  I mean, if you have a voice like he does, you have to use it in the genre it works best (makes you shitloads of money earns you a living).  But ever since his appearance in Jimmy Kimmel’s “I’m F’n Ben Affleck,” the case study has been building.

EXHIBIT A – “I’m F’n Ben Affleck”

This is a TripleDoubleU phenom and a played out meme, but as a refresher, check out the 7:40 mark:

EXHIBIT B – “2008 Emmy TV Theme Song Medley”

By no means or stretch of the imagination is any of this good.  But the fact that he willingly participated in it speaks volumes (to me at least).  I’d like to think he knew those theme songs by heart before this idea was ever a twinkle sty in anyone’s eye:

XZIBIT C – “You Don’t Know Me” by Ben Folds and Regina Spektor

Directed by the awesome Tim and Eric (of “Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show, Great Job!“), Josh Groban makes a guest appearance twice in Ben Folds‘ video, while for some reason, Regina Spektor does not.  Check him out at the 2:46 and 3:07 marks:

In closing, you’ll have to judge whether Josh Groban is cool or not, but based on the above samples, I think he is cool. 

If you want to judge my judging, I used to think this was cool:

InASense, Lost… Herpes On The Rise Due To Game?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t want to be naive , but apparently cold sores – not better known as lip herpes, and definitely not known as liperpes (though it should be) – is spreading like wild fire amongst college students.  The culprit blamed for the spreading: beer pong.

From Asylum:

But beer pong could be nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex in terms of spreading diseases, according to a recent article in the University of Massachusetts’ student newspaper — which links the rise of herpes on campus to the popularity of beer pong. Because the game involves multiple people drinking from the same cups, the herpes virus — which can be transmitted via saliva — can be spread to everyone who is playing through the course of a game. The virus is up 230 percent since 2007 in people between ages 17 and 21.

And here I foolishly thought it was because college students are generally sluts (and I’m talking about both genders when I say that).

This got me thinking about what other STD’s might not be ST’d (sexually transmitted), and in fact may be BP’d (beer ponged).

  • Gonorrhea – From clapping near someone else who is clapping.  This is why it’s also known as the Clap.
  • Chlamydia–  From getting sodas out dispensers outside of Walmart stores.
  • Genital Warts – From playing with toads before using the restroom.  The same applies to Crabs.  Not to be confused with Gentile Warts, common amongst Christians.
  • Syphilis – Was created by Alexander Fleming in order to sell his new discovery, penicillin.  Transmitted via playing catch with Frisbees, and sometimes Nerf Boomerangs.

A pubic public service announcement from the 80’s:

In My Brain While Sleeping… Housecleaning Pucks And Hamburger Docs

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had to verify what my subconscious created in this doozy of a dream, because in another one, my subconscious got it completely all wrong.  It works in the second dream because it makes it kinda funny.  But the fact that I knew a certain fact in the first one so matter-of-, um, -factly kinda impresses me (humility is soooo overrated).

DREAM SCENARIO ONE

I was playing hockey.  It wasn’t a professional game, but professionals were there.  (This entire dream happened out of guilt for skipping pick-up hockey last night.  In my defense, two friends were not going… I just hope they had enough people… curse you guilt!)  Anyhattrick, one of the pros approached me at the end and said, “I heard your house could use a good spring cleaning.”  I told him, “Yeah, it could,” and then wondered who he’d been talking to.  That’s when he dropped this deal, “I’d do it.  For five bucks.”  How could I resist?  So I handed him five bucks and made arrangements, not even thinking he could be scamming me for five bucks.  And he showed up!  To clean!  The player in question:

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

"Pretend the puck is dust, and the stick is a broom... that's how I'm gonna sweep, eh."

Martin Brodeur, goalkeeper for the New Jersey Devils.  I didn’t know I knew him, or his position, or that he was Canadian, yet my subconscious did (I’m not 100% on whether I knew he was a Devil, but I want to say he was wearing their color scheme).  In double-checking my brain, some tidbits I learned about him:

  • He’s played for the New Jersey Devils his entire NHL career. (I like franchise guys, and the NHL is full of them.)
  • He’s three shutouts short of breaking Detroit Red Wing Terry Sawchuck’s record of 103 games. (FYI – Sawchuck’s mask was the basis for Jason’s mask in Friday the 13th.)
  • He holds the second place record (behind Patrick Roy) for the most wins, which he’ll inevitably pass provided he stays healthy.
  • He holds the record for the most wins in a regular season (48, in 2006-7).
  • He’s the only NHL goalie to score a game winning goal.

There are many more.  And I might have to add that I could be a fan now.  What?  Don’t look at me like that.  I’m not saying I like him better than my beloved Red Wings… well, maybe Chris Osgood if he doesn’t start picking up.

DREAM SCENARIO TWO

I was eating at a McDonald’s (like I often do?) when a commotion started at the register.  The friends with me initially ignored it, but when the buzz of excitement started spreading, people were rushing to the front counter.  I overheard a girl say, “The stars of Top Gun are here doing a promotion!”  So the group I was with got mixed up in the glee and followed.  I distinctly remember not even thinking Tom Cruise would be there.  I knew it would be Iceman (Val Kilmer) and Goose (Anthony Edwards).  Turned out the rumors were wrong.  Instead of getting this duo:

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I could have cropped out the beer, but I enjoyed the beer being there. Existentialism for today.

I got this duo:

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

Dr. Ross and Dr. Green inda house! (But not on "House.")

 Except they looked like this:

Uh... yeah...

Uh... yeah...

 Of course, everyone was excited to see George Clooney, and under normal circumstances I would have been, too.  But Anthony Edwards?  How often is he out in public?  This was my chance to pitch a script in which he would have the starring role.  The script entitled “Continuum” was based on a dream I once had that featured Anthony Edwards (how meta).  I told it to him while Clooney took orders from dining room patrons, but I figured he was listening to our conversation and would possibly produce/direct the film.  The only catch – the script wasn’t written.  Edwards would be in town for two more days, so I’d have to write it in that time.  That’s when Clooney chimed in, “It could be the greatest script of all time… or the crappiest.”  (I knew he was eavesdropping!)

And that was that.  To sum up: Martin Brodeur cleaned my house for five bucks, and I had two days to write a script for Anthony Edwards to star in.  I have no idea what any of that means.

JusWondering… RidiculouZodiac Or SerioZodiac?

Posted on by sgottahurt

For anyone who’s willing to be delighted by lounge songs about the zodiac, coupled with some of the finest dancing this side of the Jabbawockeez, here’s a compilation of Harvey Sid Fisher informing entertaining infotaining us about what it means to be each of the signs.  If you can’t wait for yours, the breakdown goes like this:

0:00 – “I am, I am, I am the Ram.” (Aries)

0:50 – “Talk about the Taurus, talk about the bully bull bull.”

1:28 – “One twin does the making love, the other likes to watch.” (Gemini)

2:24 – “Moonchild, moonchild…” (Cancer)

3:10 – “I need more sex than most that’s just a fact not a boast.” (Leo)

3:56 – “Virgooooo, VirgoOOOoooOOOooo…”

4:42 – “Lib-Liba-Libra, Lib-Liba-Libra…”

5:29 – “I can see right through your soul and out the other end.” (Scorpio)

6:11 – “I’m a Sag’, I’m a Sag’, I’m a Sag’…” (Sag… ittarius)

6:57 – “I was born a Capra, I was born a Capra, I was born a Capricorn.”

7:48 – “Cuz’ I am in love with humanity, it’s just some people that I cannot stand.” (Aquarius)

8:36 – “Puh-Puh-Puh-Pisces,  Puh-Puh-Puh-Pisces…”

Kinda reminds me of James Quall:

JusWondering… Some Things That Kept Me Up Last Night

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had a rough go at esacaping to dreamland last night, mostly in thanks to some of these thoughts that were splashing around in my brain (I’d have been content if they were swimming).

  1. Does Gatorade freeze?  I’ve never had Gatorade around the house consistently to know for sure, but I would assume it would.  If Gatorade is chemically structured to replace “sweat,” then maybe it doesn’t (unless sweat freezes).  If it does freeze, does it taste okay when thawed (soda pop does not)?  And where can I get a stock of the 32oz. bottles so I don’t always have to stop at 7-11?  (And speaking of G…)
  2. Why is the dance group known as Jabbawockeez kinda scary?  The winners of the first season of Randy Jackson’s America’s Best Dance Crew (or RJABDC for short, or DUM for shorter), are seen at the end of this commercial. 
    They’re good dancers, don’t get me wrong, but they are equally creepy.  Here’s video of them dancing.
  3. What kind of belt should I get?  I don’t like belts.  I never have.  And since they possibly say something about you, what do I want my belt to say about me?  The problem is that the new jeans I purchased were a size too large in order to give me pocket room.
  4. What happened to red, original flavored, Plax?  Should I buy it from online from Amazon?  Did it go away because it didn’t sell well… or because it causes cancer?plax
  5. How does this Korean baby know the words to “Hey Jude” better than me?

Happy Find… Game Time With Dave And Greg (SNL Skit)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This past Saturday’s episode of Saturday Night Live (which aired on Saturday… I can’t stop typing Saturday!) was hosted by the charismatic Dwayne Johnson, formerly the Scorpion Stone… or something like that.  I thought this was probably the funniest skit of the night – for what it’s worth.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

 

 

Happy Find… Mad Xzibs

Posted on by sgottahurt

This may give Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling! a run for the money, and kick Heck Yeah! Taylor Swift! to the curb (please don’t touch her… she’s an angel).

It’s called Mad Xzibs, and it goes a little something like this:

SUP DAWG, WE HEARD YOU LIKE(D) ______, SO WE _______ ______ IN THE _______ (SO YOU CAN ______ WHILE YOU _____).

I guess it’s been around for awhile, so much so that there’s a controversy over using “SUP DAWG” and “YO DAWG,” but I just found about it from an old Urlesque article, so here it is.  These are two of a few that cracked me up.  The Urlesque page is the better of the two since its condensed, but the Encyclopedia Dramatica article is not without its humor in explaining more of the history.

A few of my favorites:

Alvin Joiner & Xzibit

xzibit

xzibitannefrank

Musical Musings… Happy Birthday “Voices That Care!”

Posted on by sgottahurt

Remember this?

Well, actually yesterday was the 18th birthday of the song Voices That Care, and it is quite the time capsule.  Made originally to raise money for the Red Cross during Operation Desert Storm, it has now, well, let’s reflect on the highlights:

  • Gotta love the flag opening.  Reminds me of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crap.  Unfortunately.
  • Celine Dion was just a baby.  I wonder if her creepy-old-manager/husband-to-be was tapping that yet.  (Also, she has kind of that Amy Grant vibe going.  Much better than the future Vegas chest thumping.)
  • Peter Cetera!  Why isn’t he making music anymore?  Am I the only one that wonders where he went?  (Maybe he’s hanging out with Steve Perry.)
  • See Bobby Brown.  See Bobby Brown sing.  See Bobby Brown not get high and smack a ho.
  • Is that dude in the cowboy hat from Warrant?  Yes.  Yes, he is.
  • Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson’s singing voices mesh perfectly with Luther Vandross.  (Actually, all the sports stars have wonderful pipes.)
  • Who’s singing with Garth Brooks – Amy Grant or Celine Dion?  Was hair really that big back then?
  • BONUS: More Warrant!  Nope.  It’s just Nelson.  Why is everyone wearing cowboy hats, yet Garth Brooks did not (a true rarity)?
  • Michael Bolton was pretty good in Office Space, doncha think?
  • Will Smith even got to rap.  That tickles my soul.  Isn’t it weird he got his start “rapping,” but now it seems weird to see him rap?
  • One good thing about the arrival of CGI – no more neon coloring on B&W footage (hopefully).
  • The Chorus.  You gotta love the Chorus.  I can’t even begin to dive into the Chorus.  All I have to say is this: Michelle Pfeiffer AND Jon Lovitz.  No?  Fred Savage AND Meryl Streep?  Not enough?  Gary Busey AND Chevy Chase?  Yes.  That awesome. 
  • Wait was Mike Tyson’s arm around Debbie Gibson?  (She was my first concert – at the Sea World in Orlando.)

In my research, I stumbled on this must-see Where Are They Now video.  Check it out.

Happy Find… Worst Fight Scenes Ever

Posted on by sgottahurt

You might have seen these before.  I have and I lurve them.  Watch and cringe in enjoyment!

From Undefeatable:

Things to watch for: Not So Slo Mo Punching, Greased Up Shirt Ripping, Hardly Fighting Back Attempted Knife Stabs, Towel Attack, Double Eye Loss.

From the original Star Trek TV show:

Things to watch for: Walking Attacks, Slow Reaching, Barely Ducking Behind Trees, An Almost Make-Out Session, Faked Heavy Rock Throwing.

From Zombi 2:

(Actually, this one’s pretty awesome.)