This is a weird situation for me. I consider myself fairly savvy about 80’s pop culture. I can pull nuggets of recollections (drunken or otherwise) that would put search engines to shame.
Equally as strange as knowing the lyrics to Pole Position is knowing (most) of the words to Punky Brewster’s cartoon theme:
But this is where I dropped the ball. I saw some write-up about 80’s cartoons, and the show Turbo Teen was mentioned. I DON’T REMEMBER TURBO TEEN. That is until I saw this:
*hangs head in shame*
SIDENOTE: If you type Turbo Teen in Google, you get no results.
This is one of those dreams that I shouldn’t share because, quite frankly, it made no sense. So here we go! (With pictures! (And videos!))
I was a writer on Saturday Night Live.
And I was proud about a skit I wrote in which adults were trying to pass each other holding on the top pole of a swing set.
But then they ended up having Krazy Glue hard hats on and stayed in place.
I ran into President Obama at a shopping mall and told him the skit’s premise. He did not find it funny.
Oh yeah… did I mention it was Lingerie Day? All over the mall, women were only wearing lingerie.
And how could I forget to tell you it was coincidentally also Free Ice Cream Day?
But to get free ice cream, you needed a ticket from a sponsor. Every sponsor I checked in with ran out.
I decided I was going to eat ice cream anyway since there was so much leftover. As I moved in, a friend that was working gave me permission to pig out.
That’s when I shared my theory on food portions:
When free food is provided, you should take a fair portion first. Once everyone has gone through the line, you can take a second helping of a higher portion. This does not apply to pizza. More pizza can only be taken in the third round.
That’s about when I overheard a man tell his wife: “You told me not to think!”
My punchline: “She had to tell you not to do that?”
I’d like to think if he was still there, this was his response.
Then I awakened to this song playing on the radio:
TBS might not be the benchmark of great television, and even though its slogan is “Very Funny,” that doesn’t mean it’s true. Case in point – how did this show make it to TV?
The point of a preview is to show funny things if it’s a comedy, right? Then why do promos for Men at Work show anything but?
Unfortunately, I was unable to find any more extensive previews, so allow me to transcribe some of the “jokes”…
In one exchange, a douche from this show is mad at the guy from NBC’s Las Vegas for banging his cleaning lady. They go back and forth repeating the word bang a lot. Which prompts the punchline: “I don’t believe how many times you guys said the word bang.”
In another scene, the guy from Fox’s That 70’s Show asks a woman on a date. The three other jackasses dance using lewd sex moves in the background. Her response: “They know I can see them right?” His punchline: “Yeah, they don’t care.”
And for my last bit of torture, the guy from NBC’s Las Vegas tells the guy from Fox’s That 70’s Show to not dwell on his break-up forever. Setup: “It’s been like an hour.” Punch-in-the-throat-line: “Yet we’re still talking about it.”
I can’t recall any others, and I don’t care to.
You want comedy? I don’t know if it will satiate you, but it’s light years better than Men at Work:
The song [Rebecca Black’s Friday] is about the JFK assassination. The name of the driver of the car he was assassinated in was Samuel Kicken (Kickin’ in the front seat, sittin’ in the back seat…)
The assassination occurred on a Friday, and when he was shot, the Secret Service yelled at Jackie Kennedy to “get down” (Gotta get down on Friday…)
Parts about the Cold War and the spread of Communism are referenced (Everybody’s rushin’ = Everybody’s Russian…)
And to top it all off, in the hotel that morning, JFK declined a breakfast of sausage, eggs, and toast for a bowl of Bran Flakes instead (Gotta have my bowl/ Gotta have cereal…)
Also, the following Monday, JFK was supposed to sign a bill into law requiring all public schools to provide bus transportation for their students (Gotta catch my bus…)
Now, I’d like to believe this is all true, but the very first item I cross-referenced (JFK’s driver was Sam Kinney, not Sam Kicken) came up as a negative, so rather than destroy the beauty of its lunacy, I’m gonna stop there.
Recently, on the Hub or some channel like that, I happened to catch back-to-back episodes of both shows, and I’ve already decided that there is a clear winner in the Awesome Battle between He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and She-Ra: The Princess of Power. This post will illustrate my process.
ROUND 1 – THEME SONGS
Each of these are classics in their own right, but one stands out as a more advanced arrangement. One could even imagine its back beat being lifted for an artist such as Nicki Minaj:
WINNER: SHE-RA
ROUND 2 – ROGUE GALLERY
Let’s take a look at She-Ra’s enemies – The Evil Horde, lead by Hordak:
They were so bad-ass, they didn’t even sell them as part of the She-Ra toyline.
Sexual overtones are in all cartoons… especially in ones that phocus on fysique focus on physique. So in He-Man, you have Prince Adam who dresses like this:
Um… yup.
And this is him as He-Man with his merry crew:
Despite furry loin clothes and boots, plus Ram Man’s skirt, this is a bit better.
Even if you excuse the rainbow for the times, on the episode of She-Ra that I watched, at the start of the show, she emerged from one of the other ladies’ tents after spending the night. Remember, this is pre-Brokeback Mountain, too, but mixed messages are mixed messages for a reason.
WINNER: TIE WITH SLIGHT EDGE TO SHE-RA (NOT TO BE INSENSITIVE, BUT I’LL CHOOSE LESBIANS EVERY TIME)
ROUND 4 – COMIC RELIEF
On MOTU, you have Orko:
“Here’s today’s lesson… if you try to be funny, you’re probably not…”
On POP, you have Madame Razz:
Get it! She has a talking broom! (I don’t get it…)
WINNER: TIE… NEITHER ARE THAT FUNNY
ROUND 5 – ACCEPTABLE WEIRDNESS
Here are some weird things on He-Man:
They fight by shoving, not punching.
Need more proof?
Who’s this guy?
A dragon wearing a horned helmet?
This takes the cake.
No weird pictures for She-Ra because all that shit’s acceptable.
WINNER: SHE-RA
ROUND 6 – HIDDEN CHARACTERS
In every episode of She-Ra, you had to watch extra hard to find Loo-Kee hidden somewhere in a scene:
He hid better than this.
The only thing hiding in episodes of He-Man was common sense.
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