TV

Awful Battle… ‘R-Words’ On Film (Psst – The ‘R’ Stands For ‘R-Word’)

Posted on by sgottahurt

How r-worded is it that we can’t say the r-word anymore?  To me, it implies that those people who are mentally challenged are r-worded when I don’t think of them that way.  R-worded people that do f-wording stupid things are r-worded!  Does this logic make any sense?  Or am I being completely r-worded on this one…

In the name of satire (according to Sarah Palin’s definition <– please check out the embedded video), I’ve collected a list of items that I consider r-worded, in relation to Actors! who played r-words on film.

Pretend that they’re the R-Word A-Wards:

BONUS: My unexplainable crush on Meghan McCain might have regained some steam after I realized her opinion of Sarah Palin’s opinion complements my opinion.  Video here.

InASense, Lost… Smurfs Get Smurfed The Smurf Up!

Posted on by sgottahurt

If anyone is holding their breath for a live-action Smurfs film, keep holding your breath.  Not so much because the movie isn’t happening, but because we need to strengthen the gene pool.

That being said, next year marks the release of Avatar 2, er, I mean, The Smurfs, and this is sample CGI rendering of one:

You've seen one Smurf, you've seen one hundred...

It’s supposed to take place in New York’s Central Park (for some reason), and a live Actor! will portray Gargamel (although one would guess that Azrael would also be animated… you know, because a good cat Actor! is hard to come by these days).

Anyblue, the movie will most likely be horrible.  Unless – and this is bigger than three apples high “unless” – the film has a twist ending like this 2005 Belgium ad for UNICEF.  I don’t know if it’s supposed to make me happy or sad, but I willing to let you guess which emotion it elicits from me:

If you’re wondering what the last message’s translation happens to be, it’s this:

Don’t let war affect the lives of children.

Geez.  Thanks for taking all the fun out of the video Babel Fish.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Cutting Edge

Posted on by sgottahurt

a.k.a. "Clash of the Olympians"

In honor of the upcoming Winter Olympics, I thought it was my place to present a film I consider to be The Shit and all the Just Shitty things that followed.

Not enough people know about this film, in my opinion.  The Cutting Edge would be, what I consider, the perfect gateway romantic comedy.  It’s like marijuana in the form of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

What I always liked about it was that Kate (Moira Kelly) was ‘the bad boy’ and Doug (D.B. Sweeney) had to win her over.  Yet Doug was still enough of ‘a bad boy’… oh, I’m not going to go into this any further.  Just know that it’s fun and funny and will provide you with the secret passphrase amongst us “Cutting Edgers” (not to be confused with “cutters”).  HINT: It has to deal with a part of an ice skate blade.

Now, I was going to go on to explain how the TV movie/direct-to-DVD sequels were Just Shitty, but in all fairness, I haven’t seen them.  I still assume they’re Just Shitty, of course, considering their plot synopses:

The Cutting Edge 2: Going for the Gold

  • Kate and Doug’s daughter, Jackie Dorsey, wants a Gold Medal of her own.
  • She gets hurt.
  • She get teamed with a non-figure skater named Alex (he’s a surfer/in-line skater).
  • They don’t get along.
  • They secretly fall in love.
  • They have a falling out.
  • They admit their mutual love.
  • They win!

The Cutting Edge 3: Chasing the Dream

  • Zach (who?) and Celeste (?!?) want a Gold Medal of their own.
  • Celeste gets hurt.
  • Zach gets teamed with a non-figure skater named Alex (seriously – her full name is Alejandra, and she’s a hockey player… CALLBACK!)
  • They don’t get along (and get trained by Jackie Dorsey… CONTINUITY!)
  • They secretly fall in love.
  • They have a falling out.
  • They admit their mutual love.
  • They win!
  • (What happened to Celeste?  Do I smell The Cutting Edge 4: On a Slippery Slope?)

Creative, huh?

Well, I figure that’s Just Shitty enough.  I going to go on and analyze D.B. Sweeney and Moira Kelly’s lackluster careers beyond this film, but both have gotten a pretty fair shake.

I liked her better when she was younger. Whodathunk?

To be honest, I was surprised at Moira’s success in recent years (she had a decent stint on The West Wing and is still (?) on One Tree Hill which is still (?) on (?)).

As for D.B., he’s kept busy, but as far as having a fruitful roll, does Brother Bear count?  How about Spike Lee’s Miracle at St. Anna?  He’s guest starred in a lot of TV shows, though.

I bet it has to deal with his initials…

Just go by Daniel Bernard, man...

Happy Find… The Last Airbender Preview

Posted on by sgottahurt

I don’t have anything else to say.

I just really cannot wait for this movie.

I drool in anticipation.  (<— I was going to go with a few options other than drool, but they bordered on inappropriate.)

The Nickelodeon cartoon this adaptation is based on is one of the best I’ve fully enjoyed, and it’s a shame James Cameron beat M. Night Shyamalan to the film naming pool.  (The show was on in 2005.  But I guess Titanic earns you more weight for that cannonball than The Happening.)

Anywind, Aang is the Avatar.  Fuck Jake Sully.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Loco Local Kids Show

Posted on by sgottahurt

Not the picture I set out to find, but a joy nonetheless.

I’ve searched, and I’ve searched, and I’ve searched for some things on the web that I thought I would never find.

Two such misses, and one hit:

1) There was a radio ad for Orange Crush that was so ridiculous it would be redonkulous.  In it, two terrible voice actors try to sound like hip high-schoolers, and these things happen:

  • They both talk about watching one of their moms work out
  • They refer to Orange Crush as OC
  • The friend hints that he wants to bang his friend’s mom

And that’s just the tip of the slimy iceberg, written in the corporate Poochie kind of thinking.  Fitness MILF’s – check.  Slang terms – check.  Dumb sounding high schoolers – check…  

Pick your Poochie

Every time I heard it, I wished I had a quicker record feature on my phone, or that my blog was famous so I could sic my fans on the TripleDoubleU to track this down.  

2) There’s a local plastic surgeon that had a fantastic commercial on TV for a while.  In it, the announcer explained all the feats he was capable of performing, and the camera zoomed in and swirled around him and his folded arms.  He nodded his head at each accomplishment in complete amazement and agreement.  The best part – he was floating in the sky.But alas, he has one TV ad on his website, and this one it ain’t.

3) This one I found.  Even though it’s heart is in the right place, the show’s format would make Tim and Eric jealous.  It’s entitled K.E.Y.S. Kids, and it is a low-budget trip fest.  To begin, K.E.Y.S. is an acronym for Kids Enjoy Your Selves, which basically makes the full title Kids Enjoy Your Selves Kids.

Is anyone else terrified?

You must check out the opening of the show, available at the bottom of this page.  When I was a kid, this was the local offering:

Well, I guess that’s just as trippy…

(Orange Crush doodle via The Jlog)

Happy Finds… Confusion Abounds

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sometimes I find too many websites that make me happy.  Today, I found four.

1) WTF Comcast – Who writes these summaries?  Who cares?  They’re hilarious and strange, and collected on this website.

Damn interns.

2) Boozecats – Here’s the math behind this website:

party photo – booze + cats = win

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" they all chanted. Because Chug was the cat's name, you see.

3) Sexy People – This picture says it all.  But if you need to hear more (if this portrait didn’t, in fact, “say it all”), check out this website.

I think I used to have the same wallpaper...

4) 100 Things I Learned – Films have a lot to teach us.  For example, here are some things people learned from watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen…

#1 – Don’t let your mom eat environmentally friendly brownies served by white kids in dreadlocks.

#6 – Michael Bay will always stress that when teleporting from America to Egypt, it will still be the middle of the afternoon.

#13 – If a Transformer saves your life from an incredibly dangerous situation, instead of thanking him, tell him you’re completely safe now and that you don’t need him anymore.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Cash-Ins, Tie-Ins, Sell Outs, And Bailouts

Posted on by sgottahurt

Let’s examine for one second which car companies sponsored which, um, sponsorees…

Frothy the Snow Cowell

Eight years ago, Ford Motor Company decided to back a show that was not much more than a flashier Star Search. 

  • Was it Coca Cola’s shared involvement? 
  • Was it a long standing crush on Paula Adbul?
  • Or was it amazing foresight from a company that renamed the Taurus the Five Hundred, and then redubbed it the Taurus again?

Turns out it doesn’t matter.  Once Kelly Clarkson happened, American Idol legitimized and therefore blew up.

Speaking of blowing up, let’s remind ourselves which guys GM got behind (or as in the case of this image – between):

"Stuck between two loose screws" - GM's new slogan

  • GM decided to back Tiger Woods through its Cadillac brand, and that was a good investment for a long time. 
  • They also paid a fair amount of cash to have their fleet of cars featured in both horrible Transformers movies, and those flicks made My Little Ponies pretty pennies.

And in the end, which car company required money from the government bailout?

"Um, Toyota?"

Nope.

"Oh hi... I didn't see you back there."

In My Brain While Sleeping… Fictional Character’s Children Don’t Share

Posted on by sgottahurt

30 Rock, oh 30 Rock, how much do I love thee?  Apparently enough to dream about you on more than one occasion.

Or at least this guy:

Tracy Morgan and Tracy Jordan

In this particular brain drain, I was spending Christmas with the Jordan family.  I had bought Tracy Jr. a guitar, and I couldn’t wait for him to open it up so I could play it.

Once dinner was finished, he opened it and I helped put the guitar together (because for some reason, assembly was required).

Somebody 30 Rocked this guitar.

Once I tuned the six-stringer, I readied to strum.  But he wouldn’t let me.  Even after I reminded him that I bought it for him, and that I put it together, he still shook his head, arms outreached.

I handed it over, sort of peeved, and woke up.

DREAM INGREDIENTS: A late night helping of pizza sticks… and an episode of 30 Rock.

Drunken Recollection… Five Ways Jersey Shore Is Like Greenland Sharks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Drinking with friends is getting to be a problem common again, and ye of the TripleDoubleU get to reap the benefits.  

This time around, another blog’s post was brought to my attention.  Namely, this headline from IGN:  

Five Ways Jersey Shore Is Just Like Final Fantasy

Here’s one example shared by both the MTV reality show and the classic RPG:  

Shared Trait 4: Spiky Hair

 

But I’ll let you read the remainder of the list by clicking here.  You don’t have to be a huge fan of both to get it, but you should be a fan of at least one.  

Now that same night, another major item (because Jersey Shore and Final Fantasy are like huge deals) brought to my attention was that these existed:  

It's a "Somniosus microcephalus," duh.

 

Or in other words – the Greenland shark.  

Now I’d like to list some facts about the Greenland shark, and how they too are similar to the cast of Jersey Shore.  

1) Alternate names  

The extra "W" is for "WTF?"

 

  •  On the Jersey Shore, everybody has an alias, like they’re X-Men or something: Jenni is J-Woww, Nicole is Snooki, Sammi is Sweatheart, and Mike is The Situation. 
  • The Greenland shark has more even more nicknames: sleeper shark, gurry shark, ground shark, grey shark, or the Inuit name, Eqalussuaq.

2) Parasites  

Microscopic crustaceans ain't just for the beach!

 

  • I’m not saying that any of the cast members on Jersey Shore do have crabs, but I’m also not saying that they don’t… You just got double-negatived, which is another way of saying positive. BTW, I’m sure positive is a result this group has seen as on innumerable tests.
  • Meanwhile, the Greenland sharks play host to the creature in the picture above (the one on the right, of course).  It feasts on the shark’s eye, causing partial blindness.  Like syphilis.

3) Scavengers  

Yes. Her hat does read, "Porn Star In Training."

 

  • Snooki sure loves her pickles.
  • Greenland sharks sure their love fish, seals, reindeer, horses, and polar bears.

4) Toxic skin  

Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.

Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.

 

  • I don’t know components go into fake tan sprays or tan accelerators, and I especially don’t know how much alcohol the cast members of Jersey Shore can actually consume, but if I happened to be on a plane with them and it crash landed in the Alps – I wouldn’t eat them.
  • The flesh of the Greenland sharks, on the other fin hand, is officially poisonous.  I repeat – THIS SHARK IS POISONOUS.  Next you’ll be telling me they have razor-sharp skin, too.  (Let it be known, the toxin in their skin does produce an effect akin to extreme drunkenness, so maybe I would eat a Jersey Shore cast member in the Alps.) 

5) Legends  

They could be friends, doncha think?

 

  • Everyone loves a good story, and sometimes the shorter the better.  As for Mike of the Jersey Shore, his legend is straight to the point:

He is The Situation.  

  • Greenland sharks legends aren’t as concise:

Sedna was a girl whose father cut off her fingers while drowning her. Each finger was said to have become a sea creature, including the Greenland shark.  (via Wikipedia)  

Now that’s quite a situation.  

BONUS THING NOT HELD IN COMMON:  

  • Greenland sharks can live for up to 200 years long.  The cast of Jersey Shore will be forgotten about in five.

JusWondering… Casting The Home Improvement Movie

Posted on by sgottahurt

Come on.  It’s inevitable.  We’re reaching the bottom of the fish barrel (in which we like to shoot) when it comes to properties from the 80’s (and earlier).  With The A-Team hitting the big screen this summer, there aren’t too many shows left to adapt.

So what about the 90’s?  They happened like ten years ago, right?

I know television has tried several reboots of 90’s shows (namely 90210 and Melrose Place), and a few programs have made the leap to film (The Simpsons, South Park, Strangers With Candy, The X-Files, Sex and the City… you know, all cartoons).  But there are plenty of hits that scream big screen, and today, I’m going to focus on casting one of them:

Home Improvement: The Movie

  • Tim Taylor – Although Tim Allen isn’t doing much else these days (besides directing Crazy on the Outside and voicing Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story 3), this is a reboot of a franchise after all, so who do you go with?  Mr. Reboot incarnate, Chris Pine.

"(Grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)-(grunt)..." because I don't know how to spell the (grunt).

  • Jill Taylor – If you’ve ever watched Attack of the Show on G4, Ms. Olivia Munn has proven time and time again that she’s one tough cookie, just like Jill Taylor.

"Tim, don't even think about touching the dishwasher. Her name is Consuela."

  • Brad, Randy, and Mark Taylor – Who else but the Jonas Brothers?  If Zack & Cody only had another brother…

It's a Disney production, and so are they.

  • Al Borland – Fresh in my mind courtesy of his performance as a CTU agent in 24, Freddie Prinze, Jr. would make a great sidekick.  Just like he does with Sarah Michelle Gellar Jack Bauer.

"I don't think. Tim."

  • Lisa / Heidi (Tool Time Girl) – Rosie Jones.  Google Image Search her.  You’ll understand.

"Forget everybody else. Do you know what time it is?"

  • Wilson Wilson, Jr. – The notoriously hidden Tiger Woods would be great as the vessel of sagely advice.  Plus, he’d introduce diversity into a show that supposedly took place in Detroit.

"Howdy neighbor... by the way, where's Jill?"

BONUS: Preview for Roland Emmerich’s Full House