TV

In My Brain While Sleeping… Only in My Dreams

Posted on by sgottahurt

None of these were full dreams, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t share.

In one dream, I got to meet Debbie Gibson.  She lived in a dangerous town, and she almost sent me to my doom, but when I was sitting next to her, our knees touched.  Knees!

Sorry. This is Deborah Gibson.

Another dream featured the return of Olivia Munn to G4’s Attack of the Show.  They kicked her replacement, Candace Bailey, to the curb, because what else has Munn been up to?

Attack of the Show, indeed.

The last tidbit in my sleeping noggin was about Pauly D and his new hairstyle:

"Call me DJ Mullet."

Awesome Battle… Little Boppers Vs. Pocket Rockers

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve decided to refocus on what these Awful/Awesome Battles are supposed to be… battles between things that are awful or awesome or both.

In this case, it’s Little Boppers vs. Pocket Rockers.  Which was the better musical toy of the 80’s?

I would declare portable music the winner because it’s functional (and fashionable), but then you have to take into account these were the bands available, things kind of change:

What I find (or declare) interesting is the background music in each of the commercials is twenty years older than the product they’re selling.  For the Little Boppers, the song is from 1965:

  • The Gentrys – Keep on Dancing

As for the Pocket Rockers, the song is from 1969, and it couldn’t have any more of a different sound:

  • Creedence Clearwater Revival – Down on the Corner

Based upon the theme songs alone, I would have chosen CCR and therefore, Pocket Rockers, the winner.  But the ad company behind them changed the lyrics, whereas those mad men behind Little Boppers did not fuss with The Gentrys.

So after careful deliberation, I still declare Pocket Rockers the champ.  What can I say, I love songs with changed lyrics!  Except, of course, in this case:

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… First Toy In Each Collection

Posted on by sgottahurt

Omigodomigodomigodomigod!  This post imagines what my blog might have looked like if I had one when certain things happened.  This edition takes us way back to 1995…

Omigodomigodomigodomigod!

I am loath to admit this, but I’ve literally dreamed of this day for years.  Or at least for the years that there were no new Star Wars action figures on the shelves of stores.

THERE ARE NEW STAR WARS ACTION FIGURES ON STORE SHELVES… er, I mean… HOOKS!

This is the first one I’ve purchased:

Imagine James Earl Jones saying: "This... is Chewbacca."

This got me recollecting (ha!) about the first toys in each of my collections.  Join me as I walk down memory lane…

  • 1985 – M.A.S.K.

Secret raiders working overtime fighting crime!

Let’s be honest – it’s not really been ten years since I’ve purchased toys.  Having a little brother to spoil means never having to stop.  But this is definitely the last collection I had that was my own, and it all started with Condor.  I remember asking for this, not even really knowing what it was.

  • 1984 – The Transformers

More than meets the eye!

I was dying to get any Transformer for what seemed like forever.  I really wanted Optimus Prime, but he cost twenty bucks!  Having read the giant-sized coloring book long before these figures were released, I really took a shine to Jazzz (he had three Z‘s in the coloring book).  The trick was this – my mom wasn’t too keen on me starting new collections that were similar to other one’s I started.  I already had Gobots, so Transformers were kind of off the radar… until my aunt took my sisters and I shopping.  I had the eight dollars it cost, and I begged her to let me buy it.  She used the payphone to double-check, and my mom relented.

  • 1983 – Gobots

We came out before Transformers!

Memories are fuzzy, and so it goes with this.  The way I recall it all, there were animated commercials advertising Transformers long before they came out.  AND THOSE COMMERCIALS BLEW MY EIGHT YEAR OLD MIND.  Robots that transformed into cars and planes and guns?  Sign me up!  Well, they were nowhere in sight, so the Gobots had to do.  And they did.  Until I got Jazz.  I still think Leader-1 was one of the best, but Gobots could never overcome their horrible names (Scooter the Scooter, Tank the Tank, Cop-Tur the Helicopter, Loco the Locomotive…)

  • 1980 (?) – LEGO

My first set

I don’t remember exactly when I started getting “big kid” LEGOS, but I know this was my first set.  The reason I say, “big kid,” is because when I first saw the LEGO spacemen at one of my parents’ friend’s houses prior to getting this set, that’s what I was told.

  • 1979 – Star Wars

Obviously, my figure said "Star Wars" - not ROTJ.

I distinctly (and weirdly) recall receiving this from Santa, and I was fascinated by this strange action figure.  Was he a space policeman?  He had a gun and a helmet.  Was he a space fireman?  He was wearing orange.  All I know is that I hadn’t seen the original film yet, and I was hooked.

I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE PREQUELS!

Drunken Recollection… The Big Potato

Posted on by sgottahurt

It was a strange day…

To begin, it was a Wednesday, and I was supposed to work.  How this differs from any other day, I’m not sure.

On Tuesday, my boss/friend Paul mentioned that our TripleDoubleU provider invited us to the Detroit Tigers’ afternoon game against the Kansas City Royals, but I’d have to go pick them up from our contact’s office.  When I arrived within the allotted fifteen minute window he gave for me to collect them, the guy that answered the door never heard of my contact.  Turns out, there were two different departments, and our contact was running late.  Once I met with him, his boss didn’t leave him enough tickets.

So on Wednesday, I’m supposed to meet someone outside of– good gravy this is boring.  Let me jump to the chase chance.

For some reason, I was compelled to take this picture at the end of the game while closer Jose Valverde was pitching:

We were seated near the bullpen and foul pole in left field.

Chris (my friend and coworker) asked why I took the picture, and I told him I didn’t know.

That night, I wasn’t going to play trivia, but another friend begged me so I went.  In the midst of the quizfest, it was announced Jose Valverde would be arriving at the bar soon for autographs.  I thought:

Too bad I didn’t have anything for him to sign.

Then I remembered that I kept my game ticket, which I usually throw out after the game unless I’m going to a strip club.  They were replaying the game at the same time as he arrived (this outing happened to be his 40th consecutive save without a loss… he’s currently at 41).  So this is what followed:

(P.S. We also won $30 at trivia…)

In Defense Of… Stick Figure Family Window Decals

Posted on by sgottahurt

This might be my most difficult In Defense Of yet.  Out of everything I’ve defended, I’ve found a silver lining.  But these things – I hate these things:

Revenge of the Son of the "Baby On Board" Signs, Part 2

And that’s just what it is, right?  It’s the latest parental fad, like those old Baby on Board signs:

Baby, I'm Bored...

They’re pointless and annoying.  All this coming from the guy that’s defended the dislikes of Justin Beiber!

So where do I begin?

Really?

They’re pointless.

So I’m going to have to dig deep within and point out a point.

Got it!

They’re ripe for comedy.  Check out this (possibly tasteless) video:

If people used these for comedic purposes rather than boastful, we might see the likes of this:

Could be a single lady's possible future...

Or maybe celebrities could get in on the trend to kill it:

Neil Patrick Harris' Family

Octomom (less the rest of her brood) or Kate Gosselin

Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus

I fear I’ve failed this In Defense Of, and this is what I should get:

InASense, Lost… Push, Push, Pushing The Envelope

Posted on by sgottahurt

I recently found out there once was quite a bit of some controversy over the cover of one of my favorite comics as a kid.

It was Issue #48 of ALF (yes, he had his own comic, and yes again, 48 issues equal four years)…

Here’s the cover:

No problem.

People took issue (“Ha! I kill me!”) with it because it appears that good ol’ ALF is having his way with the seal.

So for comparison, this ALF incident happened in 1991.

A way more controversial thing happened in 1986, in Issue #9 of Miracleman:

Innocent enough, right?

Well, I’m not going to post what happens inside this issue.  You’ll just have to click here if curiosity has gotten the best of you.  It’s not bad, but it’s certainly graphic, and definitely NSFW or comics.

I have not much else to say due to shock.  And surprisingly, the shock isn’t from an alien fucking a seal…

(via)

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… That Hits The Spock!

Posted on by sgottahurt

This series of posts imagine “what if I had a blog back then?”  I originally was not ever going to use YouTube videos if the post took place before the site’s inception, but– it’s my blog, so I can change my own rules.  You could presuppose that if there was a forum to blog within back in 1981, there would have been a version of YouTube… and I would have been six years old…

It reminds me of CBS' Special Presentation logo.

According to the dictionary, Magnavox translates to “great voice” in Latin.  I think it should translate into “great products.”  First, they invented home video game machines, with the Odyssey.  Then they came out with neato-peato 19-inch color TV’s.  Then they made the Odyssey 2!

I can’t wait for their newest product… the Laser Disc.  They look like shiny records, or something that Spock would have played Frisbee with on Star Trek.  That’s probably why they use Actor! Leonard Nimoy in the commercials.  Since he went off In Search Of new technologies, he probably never thought he’d be stopping at one place.  And that one place is MAGNAVOX!

If this is just a small sign of the wonders they can accomplish, they will be industry leaders for years – and decades – to come!

REFERENCES:

  • Odyssey Video Game System commercial
  • Odyssey 2 Video Game System commercial

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SCeTpWzpys&h=300&w=400]

  • 19″ TV commercials
  • Magnavision Laser Disc Player commercial
  • CBS Special Presentation shirt

This kind of reminds me of Magnavox's logo.

The Sh– To Getting Sh–ty? Keith Stone And His Smoothness Limits

Posted on by sgottahurt

Upon the first time seeing this Keystone Light beer commercial, I knew the ad campaign had found a hero to compare with Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man in the World.  He was sort of the anti-thesis; the everyman that any man could be… if he drank Keystone Light.

What followed, upped his “always smooth” quotient into undeniable levels:

(In this next one, his smoothness is legit as The Shit… at least as much as a roller rink provides room to be.)

But although this latest commercial originally made me laugh, it’s been bothering me more and more upon each repeated viewing:

I don’t mind Brian, or the fact he wears no arm protection. I even like the continued use of the cougar-growl since the rollerskating commercial. Because that’s all smooth. But the magical fire? It’s a shortcut and a means to an end, but it could be a dangerous sign of things to come.

The Most Interesting Man in the World works because it’s absurdly clever; The Man Your Man Could Smell Like works because it’s cleverly absurd.  Always Smooth Keith Stone exists somewhere in the middle, shy of too absurd.

Here’s an appearance in a Funny or Die video that doesn’t help the situation (mostly because it’s more Die than Funny):

In Defense Of… Heather Graham

Posted on by sgottahurt

She gets a lot of flack, so I just wanted Heather Graham to know I got her back.

As well as other parts...

I have a disclaimer to make… I’ve had a long-standing crush on Ms. Graham, ever since her early appearances in License to Drive and Diggstown (I knew both of those without looking her up on IMDb or Wikipedia, so there).  Group those roles together with her (very vital) character in Swingers, I should declare case closed.  But it’s not that simple.

DISCLAIMER #2 – I’m a sucker for big… eyes.  See: Katy Perry, Amanda Seyfried.

Anyhootersasinowlspeepers, another easy argument is she’s had a long career in distinguished comedies – Arrested Development, Scrubs (Dr. Molly Clock appeared in nine episodes), the aforementioned Swingers, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Steve Martin’s Bowfinger and The Hangover.

And yes, she’s done her share of… more questionable… appearances, but one was in a highly celebrated film (Boogie Nights, which is not to be confused with another of her films that won’t win any arguments called Boogie Woogie).  She was in the widely-respected TV show (and movie) Twin Peaks, plus, she has starred beside Will Smith (Six Degrees of Separation), Robert Downey, Jr. (Two Girls and a Guy and a Pizza Place), William Hurt (Lost in Space), and Johnny Depp (From Hell).

Most recently, she was in a family film playing an aunt.  Roller Girl.  As an aunt.

This is not the image you hoped I would use.

Mira Sorvino didn’t have this career.  Marissa Tomei has an Academy Award, and she seems to have been scraping by ever since (she was Heather’s costar in The Guru).

(SIDENOTE: I don’t know why I isolated and picked on those two Actors!, but I know why I picked my closer.)

If anyone wants to knock Heather Graham’s talents, just remember… she could have turned out like Tara Reid:

This is a "before" picture... you don't want to see any "afters."

Drunken Recollection… To Fight A Zombie

Posted on by sgottahurt

The infamous they say there’s more than one way to skin a cat.  Which is gross.  The infamous they should really say:

There’s more than one way to fight a zombie.

While drinking, many options were discussed.  It was basically like that scene in Pulp Fiction when Bruce Willis decides what tool of destruction to unleash on Zed.  From bat to chainsaw to sword to Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man, we ran the gamut.

But then I realized I would want to use the same devices on zombies that I would on idiots in this country:

A lightsaber and a jetpack

Also, it should be mentioned that this same night, I met a “local ballerina” that looked just like this:

"Would you like a dance? Or a hand up your ---?"